Oh. I hurt. Who else is at work today? Damn it. This sucks. Its a shitty day here in the District – foggy, rainy and quiet. All you people are still away. And I’m here at work, pretending to work. Though, this is for the best, because if I had one more consecutive day off, I would have been in detox by Wednesday for sure. I did a lot of drinking. I mean, a LOT of drinking. And self-medicating. Combine that with not a lot of eating and well, I hurt. HURT!
The weekend is a blur of events, quotes, hangovers and sleep, but heres what I got. If anyone who I saw can contribute more or connect any of the dots, it would be much appreciated.
The Upstairs Neighbor visited. In a drunken picture taking moment, he fell on Freckled K and broke her coccyx. We think. She was whining all weekend. FK, I did some research on broken coccyxs here. It doesnt say anything about if a hot hipster boy from San Fran falls on you at The Black Cat though.
The Upstairs Neighbor came out again on Saturday night but he brought a bodyguard this time. I dont think he wanted to be alone with FreckledK and I again. Damn.
FreckledK made me go to Georgetown on Christmas Eve to go shopping. Oh, the humanity. Okay, it wasnt that bad. I did announce to everyone on the first floor in Banana Republic, This was fun but I’m going upstairs to commence shopping for myself. Merry Christmas to the rest of you though.
After trying on several pairs of pants and discovering that after all these years Banana Republic still can’t make a pair of pants with pockets that lay flat, I went back downstairs to find FK. I saw my bestest friend in line next to her. I started screaming and pointing and he did too, then we all went to eat. The waitress at Clydes asked the kitchen to make me an item off the dinner menu and they said yes and it almost made me cry because I didn’t ask her to do that. I just mentioned that I loved it and wished it was on the lunch menu. Its the little things you know. Then we gave the waitress a ridiculous tip of like $30 on an $80 bill and she almost cried. Tears all around and we werent even at a funeral. Or my familys house.
Christmas Eve I went to dinner with Sixes and Sevens, her mom, and the King of the Dog Park. At some point during dinner, Sixes and Sevens mom mentioned her collection of shopping bags. Anything with a handle she said. I was sufficiently drunk by this point in time. Then I went home and collected every shopping bag I could find in my house and brought them over to her. She literally shrieked with joy. Who knew? I was also supposed to bring my new Taki the Greek speaking Teddy Bear that my brother gave me for Christmas (Dude, you know I’m not 10 anymore, right?) but it was just too embarrassing. “Alpha beta gamma delta epsilon zeta eta theta…OPA!…Mia Orea Petaloutha…Yeia Sou!” Jesus fucking Christ. What. The. Fuck. Did you not see the rocking pink tricycle I got you people? How about your Tourist Trap DVD or that Fekkai Gift Set? I get a Greek Teddy Bear? Fuck. What am I getting next year? A gang bang from Osama Bin Ladin and friends?
I went home and was messing around online and noticed something very interesting in my stats. Verrrrry interesting. I wonder why someone from Lewis Law Firm spent 5 hours checking the google cache for mentions of someone who has proven to be quite the psychotic around here. Then, interestingly enough, later that evening, someone in some redneck state down south did the same thing for a few hours. Christmas Eve people. Christmas Eve. Do you not have anything better to do than to scour a google cache that barely exists anymore for mentions of your nutball self? Or to have someone at a law firm do it? Jesus. What a waste of space you are.
I was about to pack it in for the night. But then FK and KassyK called me from a bar. Leave it to those two to find a bar that is open on Christmas Eve. More drinking. Could I possibly drink any more? Lets see. Yep. I could.
I spent yesterday recovering and checking out rehab programs. Just in case.
Ooh! Where is the coccyx’s blog? I wanna read!
“Blog entry 1: Today that bitch fell on me and I got broken. I’ll show her for getting drunk and falling down.”
“Blog entry 2: That bitch had sex! NO RESPECT FOR THE COCCYX! I wouldn’t let her move around a lot. HA! I own you!”
“Blog entry 3: It’s nice and warm down here.”
“Blog entry 4: Can you please mash the happy pill and let me snort it? It will get into my coccyx bloodstream faster.”
Oh, the possibilities are endless.
Ha. I have enough with my own blog(s) to come up with another.
Really? Cock-six…that’s great. It practically writes itself.
Velvet, I’m sorry to say, but it’s the bad acid. Very bad.
If there is going out and drinking involved, SOMEONE CALL ME!
I miss Betty.
But, uh, coccyx can stay home.
Sorry Banana. The Coccyx is already at the bar, saving seats for the rest of us working schlubs.
Captain – acid that burns, not causes one to hallucinate? Cause if anyone has the hallucinating kind, um, call me. Oh how fun I am on acid. I actually stop talking for HOURS. Who knew I could do that? Not me certainly.
I was at work today (still am), but it’s a good opportunity to get things done without all of the absent people bugging me. Also, it’s too unpleasant out to have fun outside.
BAHAHHAHA…late in the game mother fuckahhhhhhhhhs. 🙂 I’m not at work and I feel so sad for you guys BUT Sunday night was super fun and I not only did not get any sleep but I got LAIIIID. No more dusty box for this girl.Woo hooot.
And again last night. Mama is back!!
V-Do you think I should reput up the “Trainwreck Whore Skank Whatever the Fuck they called us” banner on my site?
🙂 I love the bathroom at the bar. And I love FK’s coccyx. 🙂
Don’t hate me. It’s not my fault I was broken.
Well Velv, I didn’t know it was a thoughtful coccyx. That changes everything…
I did fairly well for Christmas day, drinking and eating-wise. I had a key lime martini cocktail before dinner, downed six Blue Point Oysters, pushed my dinner off on everyone else’s plates and had a glass of champagne.
What did you save for me, Cube?
Thought: [How can we communicate all of this in a Christmas card? There’s money to be made. Too few Christmas cards reference body parts or mention: cunt, doggie style sex, etc. Send that to Grandma with a big Merry Christmas!]
DAMN. Merry Christmas, Velvet!
JCD – I am completely unproductive when no one is around to watch. Kudos to you.
I am DYING at KassyK’s comment. “No more dusty box” OMG! I love the bathroom at the bar too. Let’s do that again. NOW!
Banana – it IS a thoughtful Coccyx. I wish I could reprogram myself in everyone’s phones to come up as “Freckled K’s Coccyx.” That would be schweet.
Cube if you drink and (not) eat like that, you should come here. That’s what I do all the time!
DRM – I wonder what artwork goes with that card? Oh, poor Grandma. Well, poor your-grandma. My Grandma’s are no longer among the living, though my mom’s mom still haunts us to this day. Damn that was a bitch on wheels.
Thanks Katie, you too!
This post and these comments are awesome to read when you’re in a hotel room in St. Louis County, sans parents for the first time in six days, and drinking bourbon and hot water out of a styrofoam cup.
I think we’re the same on that issue, Velvet. I’m famous for going out with friends, taking two bites and someone gets my dinner in a take home bag. I’m very strict about what I eat.
Don’t fear the ip hits from the State of Misery – its just me. Will you be posting such hilarity again on Thursday (when I am back in the office) so that I can participate? Is FK sitting on one of those donut pillows? I’ve bruised the hell out of my coccyx (several times – I’m a total retard when it comes to falling) before, and all I’ve gotten are some lousy anti-inflammatories and a friggin donut pillow.
The donut pillow will NEVER happen…ever. I’d rather suffer.
I’m finding that booze and pills take the pain away quite nicely. I may have to bust my ass more often…I feel as if I’m on vacation.
okay, i’m on a plane for 6 hours and this is what happens…? you guys must be bored.
oh yeah… sorry coccyx unintentional, they call it tipsy because sometimes i tip over.
I have had a Nordstrom bag in the backseat of my car since Thanksgiving. Wonder if 6’s & 7’s mom wants it.
6’s & 7’s mom is supposed to be leaving town today, and she thinks her flight is tomorrow. I told 6’s & 7’s to tell mom to double check the ticket, but, she can’t get mom to do that. Mom keeps saying, “later.”
Upstairs Neighbor – are you back on the left coast safely?
FK – Brought my camera to work. Will download the pics today.
La Whisky – I might be funnied out. But I’ll see what I can come up with.
What’s left to say?
So I guess I’ll have to find something else creative to do with the bag.
…anyone have gasoline lying around?
Chit..I am aways a day late and a dolla’ short…I saw 74 comments left and I knew I had missed the PAR-tay!Coccyxs, pills, booze, dusty boxes gettin’ the Swiffer treatment, twice in 24 hours!..Clydes,Black Cat, Georgetown on Xmas Eve!!!!…and the Greek talking teddy bear..it’s just too much. Now I need a drink…I have Betty Ford on speed dial all year, but during the holidays I double up and program the old cell too, just in case..oh wait, the law firm’s looking, just kidding, ha’..oh F* it..where’s the farkin’ Schlitz!??**!
Still bored over here. Another day at work, and no one is around. I guess I’ll bail soon. Though, more intriguing things in my stats. Seems that someone in Pakistan downloaded a picture of my Victoria’s Secret Shopping Spree in June, with Sammy laying amidst the underwear. And someone from the Islamic Republic of Iran downloaded the picture of my ass in the frilly panties. You dirty dirty Middle Easterners… Hey I66 – I bet they have gasoline! They are hoarding it I think.
Elizabeth – your recap is HILARIOUS! And I think I emailed you. Maybe not. Oh, maybe I’m in your spam box.
…annnnd Elizabeth summarizes the last 24 hours on Velvet In Dupont in a paragraph. I enjoy. I applaud. I consider going back to sleep.
Upstairs Neighbor – I want photos from you, too.
Oh, now I remember what I was going to say!
I-66 must have a deep laugh!
Ar ar ar ar ar!
Say good night Gracie
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO @ downloading the Vicky’s spree with dog amidst undies, and someone in Iran looking at your ba-donk-a-donk!It’s just so….wrong!..whahahah. Oh well cut ’em some slack I guess..as Eminem says they prolly “aint neva seen an azz like dat”…I emailed ya back chick!
…I ain’t neva seen an ass like that… Everytime I see that blog on V in D my pee-pee goes… da-doing doing doing…
and the diet coke goes.SPEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeew!
Chit!
Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.
…because I will be here all week, wanting to claw my eyes out and go home.
And don’t think I didn’t notice ‘vet saying she might be in Elizabeth’s “spam box.”
Call me crazy, but that doesn’t sound like the most appetizing box to be in.
Bah dum ching! And he’s on a roll ladies and gents.
I just printed out my whole blog for recopyrighting purposes. What a pain in the fucking ass. Stupid Library of Congress. Can’t you just take the NEW portions???
Ooh. Victoria’s secret catalog. Time to place an order…
I am so glad that my dusty box could be even the teeniest source of entertainment. What shall she be called now that she is no longer dusty?
Hmmmmm–I-66?
Hrmmm… not dusty…
lysoled? spic-and-span? spit shined?
You should call the guy “Wite-out.”
Bonus fun fact: dictionary.com lists “taintless” as a synonym for “clean.” Taintless. Hahahahaha
Something tells me I-66 would be I-69, first of all if the name weren’t taken, and secondly if it were a real HWY around here..thank god it’s not (is it?)or vice versa…oh the gamauching..Kassy,any extra Swiffers?…I feel the urge to clean my box…
There is an I-69 but not really near here.
I take what you said as a compliment.
66, you’re quick. For real.
Moreso than usual. To call things “slow” today is a massive understatement.
Only 100 minutes to go!
Vas deferens
HA. How did people pass the time at work before the internet?
And damnit my new supervisor just walked in for an informal visit.
A girlfriend of mine referred to it as her ‘shame’ because of the ‘shameful’ things that go on down there….
I 69 sure as hell goes through Indiana because John, sometimes Cougar, sometimes Mellencamp, sometimes Cougar-Mellencamp shows the I69 sign in most of his videos.
Little Pink Houses baybay, for you and me, woo hoo!
I left work. I’m home now. Though it was damn embarrassing when I had my coat on and my laptop was making the telltale shutdown music and in walks my boss. But then he told me to go because he wasn’t staying long anyway. Phew. Though I never did get that order placed with Victoria’s Secret.
30 minutes left. Must not go crazy…
That gastroenterogical hit on my blog from you I66 made me just have to take the biggest crap evah. Considering I’ve barely had a morsel of food in the last three weeks, I wonder what its original form was.
What? Come on, like you people don’t take shits!
Take? Yes.
Discuss? Ehhh… not really.
Vas deferens.
can we start a new post about what Velvet and I are going to do tomorrow after my mom (finally) leaves. (we may even invite some of you too)!
Yes?