My brother and I have decided not to exchange Christmas presents this year. Instead, we are going to help someone in need. You know how they have those Christmas Lists that kids write and they get printed in the paper? Well, we got way lucky. My brother found someone’s Christmas List on the Metro North, while commuting from NYC back to Connecticut! Actually, the guy who was sitting next to him forgot it when he was collecting the rest of his fancy Wall Street Investment Reports and got off the train in Mamaroneck.
I would like to propose that we all band together and get this poor girl the items from her “dream wish list.” I think this girl has really and truly embraced the spirit of Christmas. Her boyfriend already put notes next to everything so some of the legwork is even done for us!
Let’s pause for some commentary. I like how her poor, obviously long-suffering boyfriend, put a question mark next to bicycle and “whatever the newest Chanel makeup is (as long as I don’t already have it.)” What is this guy supposed to do? Look through your makeup bag, take notes, and then go to the counter and say “Give me everything newer than this?” I also love that she misspelled Kerastase and he inserted the “S.” He seems detail oriented. (I have a theory that there are two types of people in the world: Detail Oriented and Big Picture. Detail oriented are the ones who crunch the numbers, dot the I’s, cross the T’s, and make sure the bills are paid on time. They are your Assistants, Associates, Analysts, etc, and they do not typically make a lot of money. The Big Picture people are the geniuses who see the path to success, the ones who can make it all happen, the movers and shakers. A Big Picture person would dispense this nonsense list to his assistant to handle so he could go off to make more money.) I think “Ivana More Stuff” set her sights on someone who may not be able to pay for her lofty ambitions.
She also wants Louis Vuitton City Guides, which you can clearly get on the cheap by another publisher. Has she heard of Fodors? Frommers? Phonies? Okay, maybe not that last one. But, she wants classic literature cheap. In fact, that’s the only thing she is price sensitive to. Poor Dickens is rolling over in his grave right now.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
How…fitting.
Oh, and speaking of things that fit, on to the shoes!
I would love to post a picture of the Louboutins, however, those fuckers defied all previous fashion norms and managed to copyright that stupid red sole they have. I worked in Fashion for a few years and this is unprecedented! Designers just had to live with being knocked off. So, anyone who posts a picture of their shoes gets slammed with a copyright infringement notice. I will, however, give you this link.
Let’s keep going.
The purses. This bitch is so into purses. Men, please listen up. Any girl who obsesses this much over purses at this price level is wasting your time. There will always be some new, fancier, more expensive purse she needs to have – and don’t think it ends there. If $1000 purses don’t keep her appeased, she’ll be trading you like yesterday’s Louis in no time. And if she’s spending all her time making lists for you with links to all the places you can find such purses, guess what she’s not doing? Yeah that’s right big guy. You’ll have to figure out how to make that thing throw up all by yourself.
I had to check the price on the Cartier Love Bracelet. While Cartier won’t give you prices, it does appear it is $6200 according to other websites. Yowsers. Honey, I know you’re living in a bubble…a purse and Cartier filled bubble with your noise canceling ear phones on, but we’re in a recession. R E C E S S I O N. Do you know how many people will claim less than $6200 in income this year on their taxes? Probably one for each perfectly coiffed hair on your head.
Last part of the list.
My dog and I are currently sharing a chenille blankie that set me back $29. I’m warm though. I wonder how much warmer I would be if I were under the fancy Hermes Orange blanket. Would I be $1096 warmer? I dunno.
All right. So we have a plan laid out in front of us. If 150 of us can each contribute a dollar to this poor thing, we can buy her the Smythson Passport Cover.
Who’s with me?
Oh my god. You have to be kidding me. I am inshock.com.
My feelings when I read this article:
First, I felt a small twinge of jealousy.
Then, I was annoyed at the thought how ridiculous “girl” is who wants a $1000 blanket, and yet wanted classics from eBay – she will likely not even read but will want it for her library.
Next, impressed. In all areas I’m likely smarter than her, but chose love instead, and she is the one laughing to the bank.
Finally, I felt sorry for the putz. He lost the piece of paper, and now he has to do all the work of going through the list again. He’s probably going through her makeup bag as we speak.
Fark.
Well, we know what her “dream” list looks like but what’s reality?
Amazingly, none of that crap would cross my mind for a dream list. Especially the purses, I’m just not into handbags. The jewelry, maybe, but I wouldn’t dream quite that big. Maybe that’s my problem.
Excellent work, Velvet, should get picked up by the national newspapers. I thought the list had ended when you wrote “let’s pause for commentary”. It was greedy enough at that point.
Velvet,
Clearly you have no idea how this recession has hit our brethren, the previous super rich, upper classity, snooty snoots, I rinse my teeth with caviar cohorts. And then daddy got scammed out of his money by that Madoff villain (daddy’s rightfully scammed millions from the slobbering masses mind you – fair and square). If we don’t deserve our diamond encrusted Louis Vitton handbags for Christmas (and not those so-yesterday Kate Spade, yes I turn my nose down at you Kate Spade handbags)… then what do we deserve at all??
Yours Truly,
Richy Bitch in Manhattan (not the other four bottom-barrel burroughs) of NY
what. the. christ. Who gives someone a Christmas list totaling the price of a car? Or down payment on real estate? I want to know if she is expecting MORE than one of these things.
And to Anon – she may be rich in things, but how does that really translate? She’s a target for theft, probably quite bitchy, and quite vacant inside. Not to sound all cliched, but seriously. I don’t want to have a lifestyle where I need a Hermes blanket. Ugh.
That dude’s in a world of shit for losing her wishlist.
Just sayin’.
People people! Focus! I have received zero dollars to date. That passport cover ain’t gonna buy itself!!!
Rosie – I was too. My brother told me he was sending me something and didn’t say what. If he said he was sending someone’s Christmas List, I never would have believed that reading it would practically slap me in the face.
Anon – Don’t be so sure about the laughing to the bank part. An unsurprising amount of people live on credit. I don’t have any $1000 purses, but I do have credit cards with zero balances.
Siryn – You just have to dream bigger I suppose. And find a sucker to buy it all for you – or at least do painstaking amounts of research. I have told Mr. X not to buy me anything. Considering we can barely fit into my condo now without someone or something falling out a window, I believe he has complied with my wishes. We’re going to cast off our extra “stuff” as stocking stuffers. Now. Which one of you wants a sweet little chinchilla in your stocking this Saturday?
The Brit – It is very sad that there are people out there who still haven’t learned that consumption isn’t always a good thing. The more stuff someone wants, the unhappier they are.
Johnny – Bravo! But MY Kate Spade handbag was scored for a sweet $68, down from it’s original price of $395. Love those coupons.
Carrie – I’d stop with “who gives someone that list,” considering I’m never one to ask for specific things. This year when people asked me what I wanted, I said, “I want things no one can really give me. I want Sammy and Thora to live forever.” So my friend bought me pet insurance. Ha ha. Love that!
Nancy – Yes, as detail oriented as he was, I’m surprised he lost the list. Though my brother did say they were sitting in a row of three with each of them bookending it and their stuff in the middle. The boyfriend was shuffling so many things on the empty seat that the list got stuck under some of my brother’s stuff and the boyfriend didn’t notice before he got off the train.
Sometimes I look around at all the stuff that I have and I think it’s too much. But now that I’ve seen this list, I know that is the wrong reaction.
Some idiot boyfriend is going to buy this mercenary princess one or more of the things on this list. I need to find me one of them.
his wish list: blow job. And he’s probably SOL on that now that he’s lost her list.
I beg you to send it to the New York Times.
She puts the see you next Tuesday in “vacant.” Guaranteed future indefinite spousal support collector.
Ok, I grew up and live in the area from whence this list was birthed, a fairfield county woman. But this list is BEYOND hilarious!! How many purses does one desire??? And OMG, this boyfriend, with the notes, what will he do now that he lost it??
Thank you for posting! So good!
You know, I like her list. I think she has good taste (beyond the orange Hermes blanket), so I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think her boyfriend/husband/father/cousin-in-law asked her to make that list. She doesn’t make any conditions on it like “I want all of these” or “I just want one or two,” so I’m thinking the boyfriend is behind it.
Maybe I’m being kinda Rupublicanny over it, too, when I think that if that guy wants to get her that Alexa bag or pay $1200 for a leg throw, then let them.
But really? Green, navy or orange on like, everything? She has no sense of color.
Yeah but, what color do we give her? The only qualification seems to be “in not black.” Howzabout we chip in and buy her grammar lessons?
Ranellibean – the orange blanket is atrocious. I also couldn’t rag on anything Tiffany since they usually prove to be classic and tasteful. Unless your first or last name starts with “H” I can’t see wanting that blanket. Like I said – chenille: $29. Warm. I think my fleece one from Target was $20.
Spankydog – I’m a Fairfield County girl as well. But I grew up on the “other side” of the Post Road. There was no backcountry, Bentleys or $6000 watches for me. We didn’t even have Atari. We did, however, have a fleet of vehicles various people dumped off on us.
Descamp – Groan. The spousal support collector is on my list marked: lowest of lows.
Cube – Too late. Gawker got it. How are you? Where have you been?
Chris – She’s too busy looking at new purses to suck it. And it ain’t gonna suck itself…lesson of note here: If you pay more attention to your stuff than you do to your man, he will undoubtedly begin resenting you and one day he’ll start bopping his secretary. Unless, of course, she IS the secretary.
Dara – I prevent myself from having too much stuff by living in a 600 sf condo with the husband, 2 dogs, 2 fucking chinchillas now, no linen closet, and no pantry. Even when my mom wanted to dump my high school yearbooks off on me, I had to give that a ton of thought because something in its place would have to go. Hmm. Yearbooks or tampons.
Cheryl – I thought “in not black” was the color. Not saying “any color but black” but that the color is indeed called “not black.” In addition to grammar though, she also needs lessons on how to not be an asshole. The bf can order up his next gf in “not asshole” as opposed to “anything but an asshole.”
kinda wonder whether we ought to somehow hunt down the BF and get him some noise-canceling headphones. i have a feeling after losing this list, he’ll need some.
Perhaps he left the list behind on purpose?
Let’s look at this list from a different perspective: what if the guy is some super freak and makes the list-maker do ‘two girls and a cup’ every night, or dress up like his mom and bark like a dog before they make love. Or maybe the guy is like the main character from American Psycho.
Maybe this lady has “earned” everything on this list for putting up with this guy’s crazy behavior. You never know…
Okay, the list is totally over the top.
To be fair, however, I do give my husband a two or three page list of things he could buy me for my birthday every year. There’s usually nothing on it over $50, and it is generally in the form of my most recent Etsy favorites, but it is crazy long because in addition to whatever he decides to get me, his mother is going to call and ask what I want, as will his step mother and siblings. So, maybe this is so he can buy her one bag and suggest the Penguin set to his mother as a gift. Maybe he’s pricing this all out so he can pick one thing. Maybe.
Hey Chris – forget the blowjob wishlist…if i had the balls to ask for all that.. i know i would have to be prepared for at least anal…at least
Al screw ye hard.
Sher – I’ll tell my brother when he sees him on the train to give him a set!
Kengurupoika – It seemed he got distracted shuffling papers, and this list got stuck in with my brother’s newspapers and when the guy pushed his own stuff, it went further into the stack of papers and he didn’t grab it before he left.
Cassandra – Possibly, but if I were her, I would demand the gifts on the spot. “I’ll bark like a dog but not before I get my Louis!!!”
Um and Uh – Wow. Yeah, I’m learning. All I asked for was that I wanted my dogs to live forever, so my wonderful friend bought me pet insurance. Ha! My husband and I decided we’ll just go away for the weekend. We have enough stuff. In fact, does anyone want two chinchillas or some old tupperware?
Rissy – Then she should have put lube on that list. I’m sure the cheap CVS lube isn’t good enough though…
Congratulations on your breakout post!! I’m soo happy for you!!
I see why this is over-the-top, but…so what?
She probably knows that her boyfriend is in a position to buy her an expensive gift. She’s listed the things that she wants. We all have wish lists and items we’d like; just because MY “dream level” is about $100 doesn’t mean I should begrudge someone whose “dream level” is $10,000. To someone in less fortunate circumstances than I, $100 would seem over-the-top, too. It’s all about perspective.
If he is in a financial position to make an extravagant purchase, why not? It’s his money! Who are we to judge how he spends it, or what she wants as a gift?
For all we know, he’s a financial whiz and she’s a cardiologist. Who knows…who cares?
It’s a funny and surprising list, but who are we to judge how others spend their own money and what items they put on their own wish lists?
Does this mean that you will blog more frequently again?
If I had that kind of money- I wouldn’t choose these things- but sure the more presents the better! We all like pretty stuff! I would want to make an equal donation to good charities, however…karma and everything….
I can’t decide if this is hilarious or depressing! But it’s quite clearly both.
Who the hell is this chic? We need to help her, obviously. And by help I mean bring her to reality…
John (the first) Al Screw Ye Harder
Another John – Thanks! And tell the lovely wife that Rissy commented back to her.
Ella – We all have dream lists. But I think the general sentiment is that a list this over the top is, well, selfish perhaps is the right word for what is going on in the economy and world right now. Times aren’t booming. We’re not rolling in dough. And frankly, it’s this flagrant over the top spending that put so many people under water to begin with. Housing Bubble anyone? So, is it any of my business that this spoiled bitch wants all these things? No. Probably not. However, is it my business if they charge it, file bankruptcy, and expect the rest of the world to pay for their debts that were forgiven? You bet your fucking ass it is.
DC Cap – I’ve been blogging here and there, but Velvet took on a new flavor when the man and I got married. My life got…tamer.
Priest’s Wife – Agreed. I would choose to send the money to animal rescue groups. I guess someone could call me out for not saving humans, but that would be my choice. No one speaks for the animals.
Megan – Don’t know – all I know is her unfortunate boyfriend/husband sat next to my brother on the train, and there goes the list!
JenniferG – I’d propose slapping her with an uncovered passport.
Velvet, to some extent, I agree…
But how do you know he won’t be paying outright, in cash? How do you KNOW that he is charging something he can’t afford, and thereby hurting the economy?
You don’t know. You don’t have sufficient information to make the judgment you are making, at least in my opinion.
You have decided that these people are shallow, selfish, financially irresponsible…based on a found note and no context?
I think your unfounded judgment and ridicule is more harmful than her expensive taste and his willingness to fulfill her wishes.
Well, we don’t know he’s not paying cash. That’s why I said “Is it my business IF…” The truth is, few people carry that kind of cash, so I assume you are saying he’s charging it and paying it off in full.
Have I decided they are shallow and selfish? Yes. Financially irresponsible? Maybe. Jury is still out on that one. But I can tell you that if I had that kind of money (as her boyfriend,) I could find a shit ton of better things to do with it. I was born and raised in Greenwich by parents who paid cash for everything and put their extra money in the bank. It is a lesson lost on many people today. I think many people, myself included, aren’t living this life, so it’s astonishing to see how the other half lives.
Could you personally spend $6K on a watch if you walked by a ton of people on your morning commute who could use it more than you could? I couldn’t. I would get a lot more satisfaction out of spreading that money around, or saving it, than I would spending it on a watch. Shit, I was collecting unemployment when the oil spill happened in the Gulf and I figured out how to give $200 once I saw those pelicans covered in oil online.
Shit. I hope my dad doesn’t read that.
Dad! It’s deductible!!!
This just really makes me want a rich boyfriend. I assume if he could get me things like this I would have to endure a lot of ass fucking, but it is Cartier. I would just think of my pretty, pretty bracelet.
I kid, I kid.
Also, while I will never be rich, I am an assistant and my boss can barely function without me. (OK, that is an exaggeration…but not by a lot). As a result, I make a lot more money than people would expect. Just a tiny thoughts.
I just gotta say that I want THIS rich bf. Fuck the fancy gifts. Any dude that takes the time to painstakingly go down that damn ridiculous gifts, costing them out, and brainstorming which books to buy is a saint.
Just for posterity, scan this to foundmagazine.com.
Once again, brilliant writing, Velvet! Merry Christmas!
Pardon, but someone with expensive taste such as this uses words like “fancy” to describe things? And “sparkly”? Fucking bimbo.
This makes me shake my head at society. Even if I dated someone with enough money to feed America, I would feel extremely uncomfortable asking for such things. It just seems . . . I don’t know . . . gross? Gauche? Tacky? I look around my room at my shoe collection (it the one thing I’m excessive about) and even though they bring me a bit of joy, I wouldn’t be brought nearly as much joy if someone else had bought all of them simply because I demanded it. Something to be said about hard work.
It does say “dream wish list” doesn’t it? What’s wrong with shooting big – at least she had multiple price levels. As a guy, lists like this make me ecstatic – at least I know what I am dealing with. I like all the women shitting on her – you would be thrilled to get these gifts. Hypocrites.
@Ella
#1 theres a word for people like that: spoiled.
#2 being in the position to be able to spend something does not mean you should be doing it. ever heard of financial responsibility?
#3 sure it’s all about perspective, but money is relative in this economy. some people are not doing very well at all. for $10,000, you can feed a lot of people, for $100, not so much. relativity, yes?
#4 who are we to judge how others spend their money? being people who live in this society and seeing how irresponsible some people are spending their money instead of putting it to more productive use, we have every right to judge them. in fact, i’m judging you right now for your opinions.
Agree with above – just because you don’t have the means doesn’t mean you should hate. What if they have been married 30 years and this is a huge occasion? Just think you sound bitter and shrewish. Get over yourself.
@john
Hypocrites? “I love how” you’re shitting on people who don’t agree with her frivolous and extravagant spending. You’re making the assumption that the people who are scorning her for this list are not able to afford the things on the list. And you are wrong.
Lexa – Don’t get lube on the Cartier!!
Amy – Thank you!! We’re not even sure he’s rich though, he might be just barely squeaking by and she’s just going for the gold…err…Cartier.
DanglingBaby – it does seem she was at a loss for words at various points during list-making.
Aja – A-fucking-men.
John – You bring up a good point about how guys have to play the guessing game with women. I, personally, would not be thrilled to get any of these gifts, but I’m a saver. If my husband spent $5k on a watch, or $130 on a passport cover, I would feel a the pit-in-the-stomach sensation that the money should have gone toward our future.
State – Awesome. Totally and completely agree with you.
@Dave
I highly doubt that. People are just starting to pull shit out of their ass now. There’s probable and there’s possible.
For “all we know,” she could be a terminal cancer patient and these gifts are her last ones before she dies within the next two weeks. Right, Dave?
Dave – If they have been married 30 years, then he got married when he was around 5, based on the looks of him. I’ll take bitter and shrewish, I’ve been called worse. However, bitter would imply that I wanted the items in question but am too po’ to afford them. You are wrong, my friend. See, I don’t want the items at all. In fact, when my husband and I were to be engaged earlier this year, I said, “No ring.” He didn’t listen, but I still said “No Ring.”
If we all sat idly by and watched other people do whatever the fuck they wanted without regard for anyone or anything else, then we’d have nothing to talk about and we would have no housing bubble and no economic crisis. Oh. Wait. That’s exactly what DID happen and look where we are now.
I just hope he lost the list on purpose when he decided to break up with her. Please please please.
people….i think this is pretty hilarious actually. And – remember it says DREAM WISH LIST. Don’t we all have a dream wish list? Don’t be so quick to judge…I’d be more than thrilled to receive some of those things, however, I’d also be concerned that my husband spent so much…and he never would, so no biggie!
“This bitch is so into purses” that just strikes me funny and I can’t stop giggling. Thanks for the awesome read, you have a new fan!
Wait — you told Dave you said “No Ring.” I though you said “No Ring?!?!” I guess I didn’t listen. Damn.