The Velvet in Dupont Summer Vocabulary List
- Annoying – When Mr. X leaves you by yourself to go get a cup of coffee and you’re standing around with your thumb up your ass and your ex-boyfriend walks by and acts like outside the pet store a block from where you live would be the last place he’d expect to see you, and has a conversation with you.
- Predictable – When your ex-boyfriend emails you after the encounter to say that it was good to see you, that it wasn’t awkward at all, and that “the dogs look good.” (Do dogs ever look different? Do they ever have a bad hair day? I mean, really.)
- Stupid – That you respond to this email because you find it mystifying that your ex-boyfriend would even be in your neighborhood and you sort of want to know why. You also decide to mention that you are happy he ran off so quickly as you were waiting on someone, knowing that will encourage him to write back to tell you that he probably replaced you seven minutes after emailing two of your closest friends asking them if they could “talk some sense into you.”
- Newsworthy – When you mention to a friend that you bumped into said ex, a person she despises, and you casually say, “WTF was he doing over here?”
- Uncomfortable – That he replies and says he “lives around the corner,” and that he is now a “we” too, as if being a “we” is the be-all, end-all to a successful life.
- Sad – That you know his need to not be alone trumps his ability to ever recognize any genuine feelings for another.
- Shocking – That you live around the corner, and now he claims he lives around the corner, so what gives?
- Crafty – That your friend manipulates google and finds out that he bought a house with his girlfriend.
- Unbe-fucking-lievable – That the address of that house is exactly 1.5 blocks away from you.
- Irritating – That he saw fit to buy a house this close to where you live.
- Coincidental – That it doesn’t take very long for him to cross your path again, at a red light, where he rolls down the window.
- Creepy – The smile on his face from ear to ear.
- Obligation – Despite the fact that you are in the midst of an x-rated text with Mr. X, you feel like this is your chance to say something about what you know.
- Grey Poupon Commercial – Where you speak to the person next to you at the red light to ask them a question.
- “Ya-got-me” shrug – What he does when you say, “So I guess you live in my neighborhood now.”
- Rolling Up Window – What you do after you say your part.
- Sorry – What you feel for his girlfriend now.
- Consolation – What you and Mr. X have, in each other, as each of you deal with your issues with exes.
- Peace – What you have in your life now, that you didn’t have during that time.
- Trash – The place where you can finally put your anxiety meds.
- A lie – What you wrote about here, because you knew that if you didn’t write otherwise, that you would really hear the shit.
- Compromise – What you had to do to your creative outlet in order to keep peace in a relationship.
- Drama – Something you no longer know anything about.
- A revelation to longtime readers – That a couple days after you wrote the above link, the two of you broke up because he threw a pile of dirt at you. That he used his key to come into your house. That you threatened, for the only time ever in your life, to call the cops. That you drove cross-country and back to finally break the tie.
- Weak – That you actually questioned your decision half way to Phoenix.
- Confirmation – That your original decision to leave was in fact, correct.
- Obvious -That you know that he has been checking this since your pet store encounter to see if you write about him.
- Satisfaction – That you are in love, really in love, and that you were probably in love with Mr. X for most of the relationship prior, that you used to think about Mr. X when you were having sex with the prior and that the ex knows that you know what he did in moving to your neighborhood, and that it’s someone else’s problem now.
I’m happy to see “satisfaction” achieved in the end.
I never liked him…..and the living so close to you? Rather creepy given how large this city is.
so wait, is it creepy if i move in to your neighborhood?
just checkin’
Is there going to be a vocab quiz? Because I think you missed a few words: stalker, codependent, restraining order…
psychological evaluation…
Busted was another one you missed. He is busted in all the ways that busted means.
GF, you hurt me this is so funny. BTW, Mr. X had me at hello. I only like the other when the door was hitting his ass on the way out.
Don’t give her any ideas, E! I can’t pass a vocabulary quiz. I can’t remember all these words.
Ex cel lent — Your life now since it’s obviously achieved the level of outstanding quality or superior happiness; extraordinary.
Bad bad bad Velvet! You never reply to the ex’s text.
well you do reply if 1) the ex was good (or alright) in bed and 2) you are in a slump and need to fuck someone you know you don’t want to date (again).
However, in this case…yes…this is definitely in the NO FLY zone.
On the next ( and there will be a next “by chance” encounter, you know there will be ) just walk up real close and say very loudly “Fuck you, stop following me, if you don’t stop I’ll tell your girlfriend” Make it loud enough that others on the street will hear. Then simply walk away.
more missed vocabulary words…
pathological – as in his pathological insecurities that prompted this whole mess.
e-happy – as in what all of your virtual freinds are feeling for you.
also, Schadenfreude.
I think you and your commenters have it covered. I’m so glad that you are happy with Mr. X and any drama is just coming from Ex’s side, not yours. That’s about the best feeling there is.
Wow. I love that you’re able to write from the other side of something like that. I can’t wait to be there.
It is a tad vindicating when exes try to recreate their new relationships… My ex dated a woman everyone nicknamed “Cylon Lemmonex”. She apparently was so much like me, it was haunting. In my dream world, he downloaded all our memories in to her and attempted to keep on living what we had. Of course he couldn’t, because she was a weak imitation.
They broke up a few weeks ago. I am glad that poor girl got out.
Seriously. WHO DOES THAT?!
I just can’t get past it. WHO DOES THAT?! WHO?!
So fucked up. SO FUCKED UP.
And he bought. Unless he goes Chapter 11 (one can hope) you have him as a neighbor for THIRTY YEARS.
I HATE HIM.
Sixes and E — hello.
After all has been said by everyone and V, I look forward to meeting Mr. Y in the ‘hood. I need to see what all the fuss is about.
Oh yeah, in case I didn’t make it clear: that is way fucked up, yo.
Peter – Me too. Sometimes it surprises you when you least expect it.
Cube – I agree. Mr. X tried to play devil’s advocate, saying maybe he liked the neighborhood and decided to move there but knowing this person, I have a really hard time believing he didn’t take into consideration that sharing the same grocery store and the same restaurants would result in a “bump-into” at some point.
Chud – No way. That’d just be hot!!!
E – codependent is a great one!
I66 – I had recommended therapy. I don’t think he followed through. The problem with therapy is that the people who really need to be there never end up there. It’s the re
st of the people around them who are on the other end of their negativity who end up going.
Sixes – He didn’t care for you much either. He said you were a “bad influence.” Yeah, and? I think you sniffed him out.
Uncle Keith – Because you weren’t around last year during this drama, I’ll let you have a cheat sheet. Deal?
Elvis – Yes, thank you.
Johnny – Well, it was an email, and while I considered not responding, I was confused as to why he was walking from 18th Street to the south, passing Doggie Style at 18th and Swann when last I knew, he lived north of there. Curiosity got the best of me. Shame – what I feel now. Damn!
Sixes – And considering the last time he and I had sex he practically forced me, yeah, uh, that’s all.
Gunn Lino – He views those things as challenges. The way he could mix what I viewed as a direct message. Take for example me saying, “You need to back off, you’re freaking me out with all this insta-closeness,” He took that to mean, “Try harder. No really, she wants you to drive by her house.”
Restaurant Refugee – Pathological is another good one!
MG! – OMG, you’re alive! How the hells are you?
MA – Mr. X is suffering from some ex-trauma too, and we were just saying that all the crap is so much easier to deal with because we do have each other. Granted, his drama is much worse than mine, but still.
Lemmonex – “It’s a tad vindicating when exes try to recreate their new relationships… That is so dead on the money. Sadly, I almost know too many people here in DC and I know how to manipulate real estate documents online. I know more than I should about this little situation, and yes, it does seem that he picked up with the new girl where he left off with me. Except she wasn’t smart enough to leave her name off the deeds to the houses. Yes. Two houses. The replacement summer house we were going to buy and the primary residence in Dupont we were going to buy. I wonder the vibrator that he bought me and never included in the returned goods fetched by one Freckled K, is now being used to massage her clit. Eau. And I wouldn’t put it past him.
Freckled K – Well, he’ll have to lose his job and go without income for some time, but perhaps he has the new girl so snowed she’ll cover the lost wages? You did hate him enough for both of us.
I do like the name Mr. Y, but I think since Y comes after X, he’d be better named Mr. W… With W and Y you might as well throw H in there and make him Mr. Why, or Mr. Why? if you want to be more accurate.
Mr. X – The people who remember that saga from 1+ years ago, absolutely hated him. I remember some of the guys commenting saying that Mr. Y made all the wrong decisions every time he hit a crossroads with me.
Lemmonex – I believe in non-instigated-by-me Karma. People always get what they deserve. He’s not a bad person, per se, just delusional and codependent, and well, really weird for thinking that living around the corner from me is normal.
I66 – Your choice of using the “H” to bridge the “w” and the “y” is impressive code.
I66 – that was the point, “Mr. Why”
V – It’s funny when you respond to me through here. So I’m doing it back.
I’m sitting here reading all of the latest comments and thinking, “Only on Velvet’s blog would “real estate documents” and “massage her clit” be in the same sentence.
Hello to Mr. X. Listen…when she said she was going to try again with that psycho…people were telling her “NO!” The girl has heart. She gives it her all.
And, again, V….random? And it’s HIM we are talking about? No. Nonono. There is no “maybe he liked the neighborhood” going on here. It’s clear as a rain puddle with an oil slick on it.
You need to be walking the streets with a cattle prod and saying “Welcome to the ‘hood, Friendo.”
My reading comprehension is terrible when my blood sugar is low. I thought you were inferring that I had kept said back massager.
I’m sure he found a decent strap-on attachment in which to bugger himself, which is essentially what he always wanted to do anyway, the freakin narcissist.
wait! we’re talking about THAT ex!?
i so want to move to dc, just to meet him. and stalk you. you know, that way you have two creepy guys lurking around.
Cube – Mmmmmm. Cattle Prod. Interesting…
FK – No no no. I didn’t mean that YOU kept it. We all know the status of that wand.
I 66 has now surpassed Wild Bill and Uncle Keith for best comment ever. Mr. WHY?! (ROTFLMAO)
He hated me? Well FUCK HIM and the whore he rode in on. Seriously I didn’t like the way he stared. And he had no idea exactly WHO was the bad influence…especially in the “sniffing” department. I should have stabbed him through the eye that time at Lauriol Plaza. I was in the mood, although didn’t have steady hands that morning.
We might need to get some of the Stoic’s new friends to go over to his place and get Medieval on his ass.
I always love a happy ending. I thought you would run out of material if your relationship became too stable, but I guess Sherlock has come through to supply many more entertaining posts! He may well regret his choice of neighborhood…
You hit the nail on the head with “It’s someone else’s problem now.” Sounds like a mantra. I’m going to borrow it.
Ya know, more people think that’s normal than you’d think. I especially enjoy the “accidental” run-ins, too!
Since there’s not much else for it, how’s about you just take these opportunities to sip an extra glass of something adult and frosty, and toast to comeuppances?
Just give me the word. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy!
How about a toast to Mr. Why [are you such a stalker, STILL]: As if it wasn’t bad enough that Velvet had to change her locks because of you (yes, they’ve been changed, in case you were thinking that now since you moved closer you could try out the keys you’ve had stashed away for almost 2 years; also, there are cameras in the lobby to make sure YOU don’t get in).
Now that you have infiltrated our dog park, you will know what it feels like to be watched and talked about. Except we won’t be thinking of ways to fuck you, not in the carnal sense at least. Cheers to Karma!
Another word missing in the vocabulary list: Pathetic – Him and his attempts to be in your life, or annoy your life or anything about you and your life. Pathetic.
Funny, I totally expected him to end up in a trailer somewhere, wearing a ripped, stained Haines ribbed tank top — under which a fat, smelly belly protrudes — while sipping Old Milwaukee and screaming at dogs chained to a tree.
Clearly, he isn’t happy with his own destiny and has to steal some of yours. Probably not a stalker… not committed enough to ever obsess or show devotion to anything. Just a boring, pathetic soul who can’t think for himself and who has to steal whatever little slivers of others’ happiness he can for himself because, you know, he just can’t make it left to his own devices.
Without knowing any of the parties involved, saying “that you used to think about Mr. X when you were having sex with the prior” seems pretty harsh, that could cut any man right to the bone. Does he really deserve something that mean? True or not, that’s not something I would personally publicize to the blogworld, especially if he still reads. Then again, I don’t know anyone involved, maybe he was deserving of it but man, you do not pull any punches.
Threw dirt at you?
Honestly, who throws dirt?
Does he really deserve something that mean?
Yes.
“Who throws dirt?” was my EXACT response. I think the only thing Velvet could’ve done after that was punch him in the sack, or something equally ludicrous—if there is an equivalent.
PS, hi Mr. X 😉
Cunning Linguist, I know who you really are!!!
So cleverly laid out and written. And so many moments of holy crap! are you fucking kidding me? along the way in reading this. Wow. Glad you are in a great place with this.
SS, is this where I get accused of being the “prior” referred to in Velvet’s post? How unoriginal. As I said, I don’t know either of them. However, as a man who has a few ex-girlfriends floating around in this city, as well as an ex-wife, I can say that reading about an ex thinking of another man while we were together would hurt, a lot. Although truthfully, it would hurt much more if it was the ex wife rather than the ex girlfriends. And I asked if he was really deserving of that?
Another poster answered very succinctly, which is all I asked for. I assume they’ve met so there’s some basis for judgement. Regardless, please keep your accusations, whatever they may be, to yourself as they are without merit.
Oh, and thank you for chiming in with an answer Mr. 66. Mr. 66? Is that how you properly address a highway?
Whatevs Cunning Linguist. I know who you are. You know who I am. We’ve met on multiple occasions and you just aren’t clever enough to disguise yourself from me. You reek of who you are, and I can smell you from here. But, so that you’ll feel better about your thinly veiled ruse, I’ll play along and act like we just met on the street. You are such a card!
Email me offline, Mr. Linguist, if you want to discuss my unmerited accusations. You’ve got my address.
Blah blah blah Sherlock sucks donkey dick blah blah…
Wow. Someone takes a little nap and you kids are still chattering away. Funny, considering E is on my couch right now.
Cunning Linguist – It’s true, it’s true and finally, it’s true. Words weren’t created to spare anyone’s feelings. Let me help you with something: If one of your ex-girlfriends who you had not so great of a relationship with bought a place a block and a half away from the place you also own, resulting in constant bump-into’s, would you still try to spare her feelings? He knows what he did, he did it partially on purpose or clearly knowing and acknowledging during the house hunting process and he deserves all the fallout. Especially considering that he unleashed a bevy of fat whores on me because he’s not selective as to who he sticks his dick into. According to mapquest, it is .2 miles from me. Two tenths of a mile. That is just utterly unbelievable. It’s a big city. Why not move to another part of it?
Sista Souljah – I don’t think Cunning Linguist is him. He wouldn’t publicly fess up to having hurt feelings either directly or by proxy with an alias. He’ll just cry in Rock Creek Park when you show up, and email you to ask you to try to get me to change my mind.
You know, it’s funny how you guys all really really hate him. One post about him and everyone comes crawling out to toss in their two cents. That should actually speak volumes, only because most of the people commenting have actually met him on more than one occasion. Sista Souljah was witness to the fallout of the dirt throwing incident. FreckledK had to go get my stuff that he hijacked and kept refusing to return, much like he didn’t return the bracelet of the girl before me. Sixes went out with us a bunch of times. I66 also met him.
I have never met the man, but I would not want to consort with a dirt-thrower.
….flame thrower…yes, Phil, but not dirt. I have to think of what Phil and his band get up to and laugh….and him declaring Blog War III on Hammer, to boot.
As for you, Miss Velvet. Yes. Isn’t it amazing? Those who met him, and those who did not, and yet….from hearing over time (or seeing) what was going on….everyone has a VERY strong opinion on this and has popped up out of their summer torper.
Way to blow my cover, Velveen.
as if blog stalking an ex isn’t enough, this guy really takes the cake.