Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Need A Little More Of My 12 Ounce Nutrition

I can officially cross “Throw a sandwich in someone’s face” off the list of things I must accomplish in my lifetime. Keep reading.

The Favor Train is over. O-V-E-R. I am one of those people who is just a little too nice. I try to help people out, do good things and you know what? Being nice to people ALWAYS backfires like a 1979 TransAm with Jersey plates. Those of you calling in your favors to me, hire the appropriate professional to handle your woe. I ain’t doing it anymore.

I was supposed to watch Sara’s dog this weekend, but that ended up not happening. This is a favor that went so wrong in the beginning that it didn’t get its chance to play out to the end. My dog and Sara’s dog had a fight and my dog, Thora (not Sammy) bit Ginger. The whole scene was ugly. I have to say that while Sara told me I was her only option, and that I genuinely felt bad about that, there was nothing I could do. She wanted me to try it anyway. I just couldn’t. And I’m having a hard time understanding how she could selfishly want to leave her dog here in “dangerous territory” just so she could go out of town for the weekend. When man tries to control an animal, the animal in the end, has a way of showing who’s boss. The animals had spoken. Being nice gets your dog in a fight.

I went with Penny this morning to get her new car in Baltimore. I took the metro to Greenbelt and she was to pick me up and we would drive to Baltimore from there. She said she would leave when I was getting on the metro at U Street/Cardozo and we hung up as I took my seat. But, she didn’t leave and I called her when I was two stops away and she said, “Oh, I better leave the house now.” Now, I’m late everywhere too, but I try a little harder when someone is doing me a favor. And I should make a disclaimer that Penny is truly one of those friends who routinely goes out of her way for you. But, I still need this one for my story. Sorry Pen! I only ended up waiting a few minutes, Being nice leaves you waiting at the metro station.

We went directly to the DMV in Gaithersburg after leaving Baltimore. I was hungrier than Sally Struthers and damn Penny wouldn’t let me eat first. MotorcycleInstructor was there testing people with the bikes. We got to see each other for the first time since the big chill of two weeks. The DMV said Penny had to notarize her bill of sale so we left. But then I remembered that my notary stuff was in my car, not at my apartment in D.C. Since part of today’s plan was to get the car back from Helen, we left to get food and go pick up my car. MotorcycleInstructor asked me to bring him a sandwich, since we had to come back anyway, and I pleasantly obliged.

Despite the fact that we had an entire conversation last night about me picking up the car at her apartment at noon today, it turns out that Helen drove it to work instead of driving her own which she now has back in her possession. So we had to wait at the restaurant (PotBelly, yum, the highlight of my otherwise shitty day) for her to come up to Gaithersburg from Bethesda with my car. Being nice leaves you killing time at PotBelly.

Back at the DMV I give the big baby his food. Then he asks if I could drive him from one lot to another while he’s consolidating bikes etc. so he doesn’t have to walk. I agree, and he tells me to go get my car and wait at “that stop sign.” I do as told, and he wasn’t there when I got there. I wait and wait, Penny is in the car with me, and he comes up in someone’s Jeep, gets out and he’s shaking his head like I fucked up and he couldn’t wait for me. But, I did as told! Penny goes back into the DMV and he rode the motorcycle back to his truck. I find him down the street and he’s shaking his head and walking by me, and won’t stop long enough to hear me ask what the hell I did wrong. I follow him to his truck and he goes “Babe, I’m not mad, you just didn’t listen.” I said, “Fuck you, don’t you ever walk away from me when I’m talking to you.” And with that, I threw that fucking turkey sandwich at him. Being nice ends up making you throw a turkey sandwich in someones face.

Now, I’m taking MY dogs to the dog park and then I’m taking a nap and then I’m going to the gym. My first responsibility is to my job and to my dogs. I am not putting either of those two in a compromised position or in jeopardy to accommodate someone else ever again.

And with that, I’m out.


  1. D.C.

    Wow. That post has all of the venom I want to unleash after my own shitty day, and now I don’t feel like I have to do it. Rage on!

    Sorry your day was so horrible. I hope it got better for ya.

  2. Velvet

    Damian! Thank you for your kind words. And super thank you for the link on your site. I really enjoy your writing by the way.

    And who am I kidding – I’ll probably stupidly be loaning my birth control pills out tomorrow to someone. Sometimes I really think I ask for this sort of treatment!

  3. T

    Awesome! You nailed him with a turkey sandwich! I’ve been on the ‘Jeff is a Jerk’ bandwagon for a while, assuming there is one, and I’m glad to see that he suffered for his arrogance and thoughtlessness. You may not know this, but there is something emasculating about being hit in the head with a turkey sandwich. Good work!

    Sorry about the other stuff – sometimes it doesn’t feel like doing favors pays off, but if you do them for the right people, they always do…

  4. Velvet

    T – I love that you are still following the trials and tribulations that has become my life. Thanks for the support!!

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