I’m really jumping in it today, so brace yourselves. Here are two pieces of information you will need as a prelude to what is to come:
- It’s no secret that I’m in love with a man who is no longer a part of my life, never knew how I felt, has moved on, and yet, I can’t get him out of my head.
- I feel incredible anxiety in my life about many things, and I can’t always coax myself past what I’m anxious about. Just last night, for instance, I had a dream that my neighbor and I were sitting on my balcony and Sammy (one of the true loves of my life) heard a dog barking down on the street below. Instead of doing his usual jumping up on the chair and looking down at the street, he actually jumped off the balcony. It happened in slo-mo in my dream, and I screamed a blood curdling scream, then woke up with a jolt out of bed. The anxiety of something happening to my dogs is one of my constant demons.
Because of number 2 above, I started going to a social worker / therapist, whatever you would call it, about a year and a half ago. She has been incredible in helping me realize how destructive this anxiety is and is helping me not fixate on it. Well, she tries. Unfortunately I can’t accomplish this, truly, without an anti-anxiety medicine. I’m very against medicines-for-life because I can’t shake that feeling of wanting to be normal without them. I fill the prescriptions, but I never take them. Last night’s dream is another indicator that a life without some sort of anti-anxiety med might not be possible.
Anyway, in the course of my seeing the therapist, she harped on issue number 1 and me not being in the dating world. This was about a year ago. She told me to stop pining for a man who may not even be what I built him up to in my head, to stop comparing everyone to him, and to “get out there.” And with that, I followed her advice. Well, the “get out there part” anyway.
So I did the only things I could think of to immediately jump into the dating world. This included going online (UGH!) and joining It’s Just Lunch (Double UGH!) In the course of these hellacious experiences, people suggested I start writing them down, as some of the stories were too priceless to not share. With that, I created Velvet in Dupont. At the time, it was just an outlet for me and my friends to enjoy. The sheer joy and feeling of accomplishment that comes from writing was and is its own reward.