Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’m The Cream Of The Crop, I Rise To The Top

I know, I know. I have some things to cover regarding the Craigslist guys.

CL#1Writer. Ok. I was lame and never returned his call from just after Christmas. I just didn’t feel like telling him I had no chemistry with him. I justified it with the following information which I left out of prior posts.

The first night I went to his apartment for just a glass of wine, we both knew we were squeezing it in early in the evening as I had dinner plans with BestGuyFriend-M who happens to live in the same building. Once CL#1Writer realized BestGuyFriend-M would be picking me up directly from his house, and that he wouldn’t get to say goodbye to me alone, he forced an opportunity to jam his tongue in my mouth at the most inappropriate point in the conversation. I didn’t like that he forced a kiss so soon into our meeting, but what I didn’t like more was his fingertips tracing the V in my V-neck sweater and then grazing across my tits. Not cool.

On our second date, he wanted to meet the dogs. Why I didn’t say, “I’m tired, can we call it a night” is so beyond me. I have this stupid need to be nice to people and I have to remember that I’m not in the business of being nice. (Those in the back can stop snickering now.) So when he was in my apartment, he was kissing me and his damn octopus hands were all over me. Up the back of my sweater, on top of my sweater on the girls again. Come on dude, you clearly see that I’m barely reciprocating in this kiss, why the fuck are you trying to get me in bed? Ugh.

Anyway, the whole behavior bothered me but I couldn’t really put it into words right away. So, here it is. I didn’t feel guilty about not calling him back because I think he just wanted to nail me. But now, I have a small problem. He called again as I was having dinner with my girls. Now what. I really should call him back.

Regarding CL#2BlueEyes, we’ve played phone tag, it’s his turn, and I haven’t heard squat. I’m prepared to let it go if I don’t hear from him. Too bad. He was very hot.

CL#3TextTormenter. I put the rope around the neck of this, whatever it was, all by myself. (Well, his attitude helped.) He got back to town after Christmas and oh so wanted to see me. We had the day of annoying communication that I wrote about in the blog. I won’t link to it because it’s not worth reading and I feel like an egomaniac linking to myself. But I was supposed to go meet him at a bar, I bailed, took a nap, posted another Craigslist ad, got 55 replies, didn’t feel like doing anything other than writing back to those men, called CL#3TextTormenter and said I was sorry and he was still out drinking like 11 hours later. I really don’t need someone like that in my life. I hate drunks and I hate attitude. He was/had both of those things (slander slander slander) and it isn’t worth my time for someone I am not apparently attracted to. He emailed me today but it died out when I stopped writing back. He also texted yesterday but I didn’t answer. I’m very bad at tying up loose ends, but I need to tell both of those guys that I’m not interested. They don’t get a hint and just because they would blow me off if they didn’t like me, doesn’t mean I should do it to them. See? There’s New Year’s Resolution 2003 rearing it’s head on me.

The new Craigslist ad yielded a bunch of other men, but only two have risen to the top of the heap. Now we have CL#4NewJersey and CL#5PornName.

CL#4NewJersey and I have already gone out. I had to squeeze another man in before the end of 2005 so I could keep up with Jamy. Ok, just kidding. The honest, honest, honest truth was that he asked me to go to a movie last Friday and my hair looked good so I decided to be spontaneous and just go. We met at Dupont Circle and saw Capote. He looks like Ryan Seacrest to me. So, yes, he’s hot. He has a good job and a masters degree. And he’s from New Jersey. Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding.

For some reason, when someone is from the New York Metropolitan area, I am seriously sucked in. Something appeals to me about the idea of dating someone who grew up in the same atmosphere, who understands why Frank Sinatra sang “I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps,” who knows which two towns the George Washington Bridge connect. I don’t know why I have this extra affection toward my fellow New Yorkers, but I do. I noticed that both CL#1Writer and CL#3 TextTormenter both grew up “out west” and that’s just something I can’t relate to. I guess it’s stupid because we are all technically Americans, but, it’s me and I can’t change it.

CL#5PornName and I are meeting on Wednesday. You all know I use an alias name that is basically a porn star sounding name, crafted from an old friend’s last name and a basic first name to make both names start with the same first letter. I foolishly wrote it in the blog at one point, forgetting that my Craigslist lovers can Google it and end up on my blog. It’s been deleted and seems to be gone out of Google, finally. Everyone knows that the real way to craft a porn star name is by taking your middle name and the street you grew up on. Mine ends up being stupid because I don’t have a middle name, only an initial. Why am I going on and on about this?

CL#5PornName told me his email name was his porn name and then told me his real name. I could not stop laughing and told him that my fake email is my porn name too. It’s a match made in, well, porn heaven. He sounds incredibly fun, but he’s a few years younger than me. Not sure how I feel about that, but we’ll see.

P.S. I think I might like CL#4NewJersey. I had a bunch of emails today and I giggled and opened the one from him first. Uh oh. I don’t giggle, and I don’t pick and choose email from my inbox. I open in order. Hmmph.

1 Comment

  1. Velvet

    Jo said…
    My ex-bf is 6 years younger than I. And it’s truly no big. Unless you’re talking futures and kids and such. Which, of course, you’re not, so it’s all good.

    1/04/2006 12:54:22 AM

    INTA W ANA said…
    was totally cute to read…loved every second of it…

    1/04/2006 12:55:34 AM

    I-66 said…
    I never eat pig cuz a pig is a cop…

    Okay, did you just say in a roundabout way that Ryan Seacrest is hot?

    1/04/2006 07:34:11 AM

    Mandy said…
    I hate to admit it, but I also have an affinity for men from the NYC area (maybe we *are* dating the same men…???). But given how the last few ones have worked out, maybe it’s time for me to break that habit. Those few years of living on Long Island left their mark on me, but fortunately didn’t result in big hair or acrylic nails. And I agree – selectively opening e-mails is a sign that you maybe kinda like someone, whether you want to or not.

    I, however, am back on the road again, and since the dating scene in Yemen isn’t exactly hopping, I’ll have to relive my Craigslist forays through you. Hope that CL#4 turns out to be worth your while, but the Porn Name thing totally made me laugh. A few years age difference doesn’t have to be a huge deal, after all…

    1/04/2006 07:44:56 AM

    Sharkbait said…
    Well opening email out of order is a big step. Giggling is not a bad thing. At least you are meeting new guys, albiet sometimes the very strange ones… 🙂

    And why do I feel like I did not know you were from NY- the city? I am an upstater myself(like you didn’t already know from my cuse references)… I think WE are a match made in Greek heaven….

    if there is such a place!

    1/04/2006 08:05:56 AM

    Velvet said…
    I66 – I didn’t think it was so roundabout. The man is hot. Hot hot hot. He’s also gay, but still.

    Sharkie – I’m from Conn, right on the border of NY. 30 min from the city.

    Mandy – At one point in time, I did have big hair and acrylic nails…

    1/04/2006 10:31:04 AM

    I-66 said…
    ha… I can see you with big hair.

    1/04/2006 10:35:22 AM

    chicgirl said…
    i love guys from boston! just knowing they are from there can get a foot in the door.
    i hope jersey guy proves he is worth your time:)

    1/04/2006 10:54:00 AM

    Kristin said…
    You giggled? Seriously?

    1/04/2006 11:15:53 AM

    AsianMistress said…
    Ditto Kristin. Hahaha.

    I mean, I know I giggle…but we all know I giggle at everything. 🙂

    1/04/2006 11:30:39 AM

    Larissa said…
    can’t wait hear what happens with CL#4NewJersey. you deserve to find a good one already!

    1/04/2006 11:33:53 AM

    Jamy said…
    Bring back the big hair!

    And it’s not a competition. But if it is, do I win? I want to win. 😉

    1/04/2006 12:37:08 PM

    Washington Cube said…
    Laughing at the porn name thing.

    1/04/2006 01:08:02 PM

    playfulindc said…
    There’s a Cake song in that post…something about bouncing on a leather sofa…


    You are a hoot. I need more Velvet in my world. Just over the clothes. 🙂

    1/04/2006 02:19:24 PM

    Johnny said…
    Do you, Velvet in Dupont, take this Jersey Shore Penis, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer but mostly poorer, til death do you part?


    1/04/2006 03:24:02 PM

    DC Cookie said…
    I believe that Kathryn and I can BOTH vouch that text tormenter, in a blaze of ‘whatever, you never call,’ will, in fact, take the hint eventually.

    1/04/2006 03:24:13 PM

    Sarah at Advancing the Plot said…
    No, no, no…it’s your pet’s name from childhood and the street you grew up on.

    Good read.

    1/04/2006 07:33:54 PM

    Siryn said…
    I heart metro New Yorkers.

    And not because I am one, once again… 🙂

    Seriously, Velvet, CL#1 skeeves me out. He is just like the typical CL guy, looking to get some ass. He touched you in completely inappropriate ways when there was no pretext for it. Yuck. Drop it like it’s hot! I said ‘eeew’ after reading the way he manhandled you on date 1. He’d never have gotten date 2 from me. If you want, I’ll tell him to fuck off for ya! 🙂

    CL#3: Burn that bridge. Don’t let him hang around. Just be honest and kick him to the curb. It’ll feel so much better. Be sure to block his number thereafter. 🙂

    1/04/2006 09:58:56 PM

    Sharkbait said…
    Ha, your post title makes me wanna get up and dance.


    1/04/2006 10:11:48 PM

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