See the title? I forgot to tell you that that’s what the Ukranian blog thief told Bilious Pudenda about me. I have to say, I like that. It certainly is in competition with my other taglines. Let’s not forget from S, “Velvet is so hetero. Being around her makes me more hetero.” There’s another one I hatched that has the words Master Dater and Master Bater in it, but my favorite grad school professor is reading now, so I have to behave. Well, at least a little.
I still don’t have a name for Craigslister #6, but the email volley is in full force. He’s really pushing this forward. He’s insisting that Saturday is going to be a long night and that we are going to have chemistry and he just knows it. Ugh. Dating is hard. Listen up you little Craigslister #6! No one knows anything about chemistry until they are actually in the same room together. Shit, at this point, let’s bag the same room stuff and try for the same zip code.
On to cheery Velvet Family News. I’ve had the topic of marriage come up with both of my parents in the past week. First my dad got on my case.
Velvet: I’m making my yearly Roth-IRA deposit.
Dad: How much?
Velvet: The max. I’m creeping close to the salary cap and I’m not sure how much longer I have to contribute.
Dad: Well, you better get married, then you can continue contributing.
Big sigh from Velvet.
Velvet: Dad, I’m not going to get married just for the sake of getting married. He has to be everything I want and more. And if I don’t find it, I’m not going to settle.
Dad: That’s understandable. I agree with you.
Then Mom strikes. It’s obvious they had a “When-is-Velvet-going-to-get-married” conversation recently. Mom says something about getting married and I got frustrated with the oh-so-obvious fact that I’m clearly a concern for them. I said, “Mom, I told Dad the other day, it’s not that I’m not out there. Believe me, the blog keeps my ass out there. But, I’m not going to settle for someone who isn’t right for me.” Instead of letting it go, she started in on how I’m not looking in the right places.
Wait, Craigslist isn’t where I’m going to find a wholesome Greek husband? Really? What about match.com? AA? BDSM club? The Ukraine?
Then she said something about how she dated so many men before she found my dad and I was like, “Please! You were married for eight years by the time you were my age! NO ONE has dated more men than I!” At this point my brother, who had been on the extension, quietly hung up. I suppose he realized he was next on the chopping block. Smart move, older brother, smart move.
I’ve got a busy weekend planned, but parts of it are remaining off-blog for now.
Finally – a call for submissions. I’m compiling a list of the best breakup lines. If anyone has anything good, send it in. Let’s see where this takes us. Email me.