Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Velvet’s A Maniac, Not Only In Her Work

See the title? I forgot to tell you that that’s what the Ukranian blog thief told Bilious Pudenda about me. I have to say, I like that. It certainly is in competition with my other taglines. Let’s not forget from S, “Velvet is so hetero. Being around her makes me more hetero.” There’s another one I hatched that has the words Master Dater and Master Bater in it, but my favorite grad school professor is reading now, so I have to behave. Well, at least a little.

I still don’t have a name for Craigslister #6, but the email volley is in full force. He’s really pushing this forward. He’s insisting that Saturday is going to be a long night and that we are going to have chemistry and he just knows it. Ugh. Dating is hard. Listen up you little Craigslister #6! No one knows anything about chemistry until they are actually in the same room together. Shit, at this point, let’s bag the same room stuff and try for the same zip code.

On to cheery Velvet Family News. I’ve had the topic of marriage come up with both of my parents in the past week. First my dad got on my case.

Velvet: I’m making my yearly Roth-IRA deposit.
Dad: How much?
Velvet: The max. I’m creeping close to the salary cap and I’m not sure how much longer I have to contribute.
Dad: Well, you better get married, then you can continue contributing.
Big sigh from Velvet.
Velvet: Dad, I’m not going to get married just for the sake of getting married. He has to be everything I want and more. And if I don’t find it, I’m not going to settle.
Dad: That’s understandable. I agree with you.

Then Mom strikes. It’s obvious they had a “When-is-Velvet-going-to-get-married” conversation recently. Mom says something about getting married and I got frustrated with the oh-so-obvious fact that I’m clearly a concern for them. I said, “Mom, I told Dad the other day, it’s not that I’m not out there. Believe me, the blog keeps my ass out there. But, I’m not going to settle for someone who isn’t right for me.” Instead of letting it go, she started in on how I’m not looking in the right places.

Wait, Craigslist isn’t where I’m going to find a wholesome Greek husband? Really? What about AA? BDSM club? The Ukraine?

Then she said something about how she dated so many men before she found my dad and I was like, “Please! You were married for eight years by the time you were my age! NO ONE has dated more men than I!” At this point my brother, who had been on the extension, quietly hung up. I suppose he realized he was next on the chopping block. Smart move, older brother, smart move.

I’ve got a busy weekend planned, but parts of it are remaining off-blog for now.

Finally – a call for submissions. I’m compiling a list of the best breakup lines. If anyone has anything good, send it in. Let’s see where this takes us. Email me.


  1. Kristin

    I think I’ve given you my best ones. Break up lines, that is. Not marriable Greeks. But I’ll keep thinking.

  2. Johnny

    i want to read this ukrainians guys site now. Lol. the bastard.

  3. Mr. Banana Hammmock

    #6 perhaps thinks a long gin-soaked evening will loosen your thighs. Damnit. He’s stolen my signature move!

  4. First Date Chick

    My parents eventually gave up. One of the best conversations in my life came about when I was having lunch with my mom, and she said, “I used to want for you to get married and be happy. Now I just want you to be happy.” =)

    Maybe your parents will jump on the “happiness only” bandwagon someday soon =D

  5. Sparkles Anonymous

    Is there anything you can hold over their head to get them to stop bugging you? Like, a threat to never let them visit their as-yet-unborn grandchildren if they don’t knock it off?

  6. Sandra Dee

    You’re right. Your mother has no room to talk about how many men she’s dated. Silly lady.

  7. Kayla

    Girl, I know where we need to go … Saint Sophia… get us some hot greek men.. ;)..only the hottest hang out in the greek orthodox church… Have you seen Father John?! Smokin’!!

    My father gave me a wedding present before he died… Oy. My mom who always says “I don’t envy you trying to date in this town” doesn’t dare ask anything about my “status” she just stares at babies… I have even heard a few babies ask her to stop. Ok, they have thrown cheerios at her.. one in the same.

    I have to totally agree with you.. Chemistry is a real live thing… Everyone (and I mean everyone) can sound amazing in e-mail…. Look at me! Oh, wait, I am amazing in person, too ;)…

  8. bilious pudenda

    Maybe if I say, ‘Love is a Butterfly’ my comments will not disolve.

  9. siryn

    #6 sounds like a little horndog out to get some. What’s the attraction to this one, again?

  10. Jessie

    I am trying to recall an interesting break-up line and have realized I have none. Clearly, all of my break-ups have been dull. CRAP!

  11. CrazyGirlCity

    Haha oh wow, I have a great one. I’ll email it to you later!

  12. p

    hi…new to your site (ended up here via waitterant to el guapo in dc) and just thought I’d say I like your writing style. And this has nothing to do w/the fact that I’m a half-Greek single girl. Well, maybe a little. Good luck w/the new guy!

  13. NotMiranda

    I don’t know about breakup lines, but I did get broken up with via a note on my car window.

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