Here they are folks. Looking at all of yours, mine really aren’t as good as I thought they were. (Though, I did dump someone once on this blog. Do I get any points for that? Anything? How about when I threw a turkey sandwich at the MotorcycleInstructor? Ok, I’ll stop now.)
- You are out of quarters. This game is over. (Velvet. Haven’t used it. May never use it.)
- Don’t call me, don’t look at me, don’t think about me, don’t even think about trying to talk to me ever again. (Velvet, to high school boyfriend.)
- I just deleted your numbers out of my phone.
- Talking to you has become a pain in the ass. (DCOE)
- I’m gay. I’m joining the military. So I can be with men. (Requested Anonymity)
- Guess who called me today? Your wife. (My college roommate actually said this to a guy and yes it was true.)
- I was thinking, I don’t really want to be in a relationship right now. I thought I did, but I don’t. And I know you do, so it’s not fair. (Asian Mistress)
- or a similar one from: I thought I wanted a relationship, but I think I am just not the relationship type. You know, I am probably never going to get married or have kids or anything.
- Think very carefully about the next words you are going to say to me, because they are going to be your last. (Velvet. I’m dying to use this one.)
- You are an amazing girl. If the timing were any different, I know we could be together. But, the timing isn’t right.
- I have been in love once before and had my heart broken. It took me a long time to get over that. I don’t think I could ever put myself in that situation again. I think I could fall for you, so I hope you understand that it’s better to end this now.
- My ex-girlfriend is pregnant with my child.
- When we were trying to work things out, and you said, “My pizza is here, I’ll call you right back,” I knew at that moment you loved me less than that pizza and that was all I needed. (Sadly, this is me. Yes, I said it. It’s the line that ended a 6 year relationship.)
- Did you dump her yet? (MappyB heard this one from her boyfriend’s friend who was on his cell. Volume peeps. Volume.)
- “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore. Sent from my Blackberry Wireless.” (This is my joke with my boss, who when he asked me how my weekend was after the NewJersey breakup, laughed as I said the above. NJ didn’t really send it from a Blackberry, but this world is certainly coming to that. I’m sure it’s bound to happen to someone.)
- And, NotMiranda was dumped with a note on her car. He loved her but they had just hurt each other too much at the beginning of the relationship…”the time we spent apart was painful and [I am] almost physically ill from nerves right before seeing me.
Shit. And I thought an email dumping was bad.
Yikes! Glad to have never heard these come my way – but I’m stocking up for the next time I have to use something. hehehe.
The best part was the guy then said “wait, so , you mean, you want a relationship…just not with me.”
I guess he wasn’t that dumb.
Then of course I had to lie and say no that wasn’t the case.
Another guy just said “no, when you said you didn’t want a relationship, I was cool and stopped worrying about it.”
Yeah right. One week later I saw you put in your IM profile how you hated being single. Jackass.
Anyway…so, mine isn’t foolproof. 🙂
You left off my favorite one – me to my ex. “You are a bad person.”
These are fun.
I have to add in mine from my last break up:
My ex: So, what are you thinking about us?
Me: Do you really want to do this over the phone?
My ex: Yes
Me: I’m thinking that this isn’t going to work unless you and I are two completely different people.
It’s been too long to remember what I specifically said, other than maybe “I can’t do this anymore.” And then the long diatribe about feeling second-best, yadda yadda – stuff that’s too painful and particular to us to remember in vivid detail. I think my mind blocks it out or I’ve really grown to not care anymore. After as much time as has passed, I think it’s the latter.
I’m taking notes!
I want kids. Now.
Um, I have dumped people, too.. I just wanted everyone to know that. ha ha… 😉 Only, I am usually living with the ones I am dumping… which makes it a little more difficult. (boy are they surprised when they come home and I have moved out!)…
I said to a guy I was seeing in grad school “this just isn’t working for me. It’s just not what I need right now.” It was like I had fired him for inadequate performance (which it was). He just stood there with a gaping mouth.
Now that I think about it, I did tell a girlfriend that “I don’t see a future for us down the road” which caused her to instantly burst into tears.
Why can’t we just say “I’m breaking up with you” and have that be it – done and dusted – instead of having to verbalize what we’re thinking in a way we think won’t hurt them (unless we want to) and then have to give some sort of justification as to why… Oh if it were only easy.
I’ll take a really bad breakup line over finding out about a breakup from a mutual friend any day.
“You’re literally insane. I never want to hear from you again for any reason or under any circumstances. I don’t care. You need to get it through your fucking head and just go away. Six months of breaking up? For the last time, fuck off.”
After finding out my boyfriend had some extracurricular GFs on the side last month -I sent him a TEXT:
“Been thinking I don’t want to go to Hawaii with you next week. Or anywhere with you. EVER.”
Yah, well, he deserved the text break-up!
Anons is my favorite. “For the last time, Fuck off” – brilliant.
A long time ago, some jackass broke up with me on my answering machine with the following:
“I’m sleeping with Bob, so I can’t see you anymore. I’m not gay though. Don’t tell anyone I’m gay! I hope we can still be friends.”
Apparently his dying mother wanted him to date women, so I was his cover. Jesus.
I forgot to add my witty comeback – heard the ‘so, did you break up with her yet over the phone’ and then after going to IKEA with him (because he wanted to talk about it), he dropped me off, and I gave him back the knife set I had just bought, and said, ‘here you go, now that you’re done stabbing my heart with them’.
hahahahaha, how pathetic was I ?!?!
That cracks me up….
You’re a cunt! Fuck off! (said by Bilious to Velvet, repeatedly, the cunt just won’t listen!)
Bilious – I’m sorry, but who keeps bombarding whose inbox with email blathering on about one thing or another. Did you know DC Cookie was Canadian? Go bother her, she’ll kick your ass! She won’t be as nice as I. For you were SILENCED by the DC blogging community, and it is I, who gave you a voice.
I’ll crush you in a second if you don’t pipe down.
good god bilious! Dropping the C-word like that.. sorry, that’s NEVER called for.
If you want to be left alone – go comment on a different site. are ya lost?
1. Do you really enjoy banging your head against a brick wall?
2. I can’t date you, but we can keep hooking up if you want.
3. I’ll call you.
Him: “I wanna break up.”
Me (crushed and with a quivering lip): “Why?”
And that’s still all I got from him. Whateva.
I just got this one today:
My ex has cancer and I can’t leave her to die on her own.
Me: So, I’m still seeing other people, and I want to continue seeing other people.
Him: But I’m not seeing other people.
If she doesn’t crush him, I will.
“You know when people say ‘I just want to be friends’ but really it means ‘I’m deleting your number from my phone and never talking to you ever again?’ Well, I don’t mean it in *that* way…”
My 6th grade boyfriend to me, after two weeks of being bf/gf: I need to be free for the summer.
Me: Asshole. (Ok, not really, but I did curse him to his sister later on. She said, “I told you he was an asshole.” I agreed.)
The C word?!!! Thems fightin’ words. I got arrested for slapping a guy in the face for callin’ me that.
Feck it, I’ll tell mine. Disclaimer: I am no where near as whorish as I used to be. Ha.
When I was stationed in Korea, I was casually dating this one guy. Nothing serious and we weren’t committed by any means. His base was a good 2 hours away, so he’d come to visit on the weekends. He was getting really clingy in a bad way and I just didn’t want a serious relationship like he did.
Anyways, he came to visit me one fine Saturday. Capt Horndog was being unusually aggressive in the sense that he was throwing himself at me in hopes that I’d finally give in and have sex with him, which I hadn’t done yet. It was just a really pathetic act and made me disgusted with him so…………..
“Look, I have something to tell you. 12 hours ago? I had sex with someone else. He’s just a fck buddy, but I think I’d rather have sex with him than you any day. Sorry, I just wanted to be honest about it. I really don’t think this is going to work out with us.”
And on that note, he walked out of my dorm room and out of my life forever!
I actually got that “My ex is pregnant with my child” line before. Boy, that was a hurter. He was an ass.
CG: but did you actually do that?
me: “are you still my girl?”
her: “i don’t know.”
her: “fuck you, you fucking liar. when i’m not so angry i might think about talking to you again.”
me: “what i do?”
her: “i don’t want to go out with you anymore.”
me: “what i do?”
her: “do you love me?”
i should have just sent you an email. sorry.
I-66……..yes! That’s why I put that disclaimer up! Everyone knows that Air Force chicks are easy. Haha.
[snicker] Well at least you were telling him the truth 😉
Dont call me, dont look at me, dont think about me, dont even think about trying to talk to me ever again. (Velvet, to high school boyfriend.)
Okay, I dropped the…fraternal twin of this line: “Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t write me a letter. If I run into the back of your car and you see it’s me, DRIVE AWAY!”
This is a brilliant post and the comments are amazing…
i am still laughing at Princepurple’s comments …. what I do?
Kayla, you contributed so many of the break-up lines, that it occurred to me that we forgot to tell everyone you heard them all in the same week! Ha! Ok, that was mean. You know I love you.
I had a guy break up with my via email once. He emailed from work to my work email and he went on this whole shpiel about how he really wanted to fall for me but jut couldn’t (as if that was supossed to make me feel better). He wrote that he would call me when he got home from work… So not only did I have to hold it together for the next couple of hours at work but when he called me that night just to reiterate what was on the email… in the background I could hear the party he was throwing at his house and the ice cubes clinking in the background while he talked and drank at the same time. !
OK lady, enough with the diversions. back to Mr. Wheaties! What is goin on there sistah!?!?
My pizza is here, Ill call you right back
You gotta admit, bad pizza can be almost as tasty as a good relationship.
What a great thread. Painful, in a good way!
So there was the guy who told me that he’s just note ready for a long-distance relationship. He was in Alexandria; I was in Rockville.
And me to an ex: “I mean this sincerely. You need a lot of therapy.” Not particularly witty- just more blunt than I usually am.
I’m shocked no one mentioned “It’s not you, it’s me”.
It’s a classic, but still used.
I got that one in the same breakup as “I don’t think you should come for Easter. In fact, I don’t think you should come down again.”
Sorry I haven’t checked in in a while – but this was fun!
A friend of mine from HS got this from her older boyfriend once he moved away and got all weird in college. It was the first ever email break-up I’d seen:
I am a Robot.
Robots Have No Feelings.
Therefore I Have No Feelings.
I Can Not Love You.
We Must Break Up.
He and I are college student him partime and I fulltime. Lasted about a month ann half. He stoped talking to me for about a week. Then I get a phone call form him.
He said: I don’t mean to do this over the phone, but I am just so busies right now that I do not have time for a girl friend.But I’ll see see you around right?
I said: okay whatever
He was more shocked then I was.I knew it was coming. The funny thing about it all is that he has no job, 3 class, and srufs.