Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Not Fair

I woke up this morning realizing that my act of checking out without an explanation isn’t fair to you. You guys have followed me through the past year and I have been nothing but an open book. I shouldn’t clam up now. I owe you an explanation.

I’ve made a couple huge mistakes in the recent past that I don’t know how to fix. I’m not sure they can be fixed, which is why I checked out the way I did.

First, I started a relationship with someone who always knew about the blog. It started as a friendship, but then it escalated and I couldn’t take back the fact that he knew the blog address. He professed that he was fine with me posting whatever I posted. He didn’t want to read it first, he was fine with my continuing as usual, posting when I had something to say. However, once I had a less than positive feeling about something that happened, and I posted it, it put him on the defensive – rightfully so I suppose. I feel it changed the nature of our communication. Normally I could vent, and “the guy” wouldn’t know, and we would all banter about it in the comments and I’d get over it. Once he knew, however, it was always out there, and he could alter his behavior because of it. Or I could perceive he was altering his behavior. In any case, I violated my own rule. I cannot present to you, my dating life, if the person I am dating is reading and responding in the comments. Colossal Mistake.

Second, allowing a guest post from him, while it seemed funny at the time, was probably another mistake. That was never the point of this blog, it’s my perspective, not someone else’s, and despite the fact that it was mostly humor and obvious embellishment, a mistake nonetheless. Immense Mistake.

Third, since this person is also an online persona, my friends and I actively participated in email exchanges with him. Of course it is all very innocent, but it is always a bad idea to be simultaneously building a relationship with your friends in the front row. I take the full blame for this, as I initiated this communication. (Interestingly enough, not only did this happen to me, but it happened with the two friends mentioned in a prior post. One person was building a relationship with the email target while others were emailing as friends.) Primo Mistake.

Couple all these problems with my panic attacks that seem to be increasing in frequency. I was at the gym last night and got the crushing chest pain and lost my breath for about 10 minutes. I had to lay down for a few minutes before I could get the energy to walk home. Nice. This morning, same problem. Woke up, rubbed my eyes, realized that my Tim McGraw sex dream was really in fact, just a dream, got up, turned on the shower and the panic set in. If I wasn’t living in “meeting hell” at work, I could probably go to the doctor and get something to fix this…anti-anxiety…morphine. Whatever.

Anyway, I’ve made these mistakes, and I don’t know how to fix them, other than stepping back for a while and letting it all settle down. I’m out of town next week, so I know I’m at least looking through a week and a half of no posting, but beyond that, I can’t make any promises. I have to figure out how to extricate myself from this mess.


  1. Washington Cube

    Very upsetting reading this, Miss. V, but I’m glad you came back to explain. I don’t like hearing of how it is affecting you, physically. I hope the time off will unknot some things for you so you can go on.

  2. DJ Flowerz

    Tim McGraw?! 🙂

    I blogged ocassionally about the last guy I dated when I knew he read the blog, and it caused problems in our relationship and communication. Of course he didn’t mind when I wrote about him if I only had good things to say, but when I posted a concern or gripe it bothered him, even though he wouldn’t always admit it. Posting about relationships in a non-anonymous blog is really tough and few people get it right, yet most of us continue to do it. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it.

    I hope the time off is helpful for you.

  3. marie

    i understand.. i was gonna suggest that you blog about non-love-life-things, but then realized it’s easier said than done.. it’s gonna be hard to write about your life without including such an important part of it..
    do whatever feels right..
    i gotta tell tou, though: i’ll sure miss your posts (i know it’s sounds weird comming from a stranger but it’s true nonetheless)..
    i hope you feel better soon and things continue going as wonderfully as they were before this little ‘oops’..

  4. jamy

    May I state the obvious and say that you are being too hard on yourself?

    What you see as big mistakes are not that big. I know it feels big and if I could take that pain from you, I would.

    Your friends, the people who care about you, will forgive you. We understand. We have all been there and we don’t expect you to be perfect.

    That said, I don’t think you’ve acted in any way unacceptable. Your heart is always in the right place and we can tell.

    Take whatever time you need, but you won’t get rid of us that easily.

  5. cosmic shambles

    Well I hope that you start blogging again after things fall apart with you Mr. BS, I mean BH. Oh, and for all of that anxiety I recommend drinking alcohol.

    Good luck.

  6. homeimprovementninja

    Option C (or d or whatever) blog about non-romantic stuff here and start a new blog. I have been thinking about that. Too many people know about my blog, I think I should start another one so I can talk bad about my co-workers and friends. Oh Yeah…

  7. Kristin

    Again, you’ve got to do what’s right for you. (I do always want to type “write” instead of “right.”) I could say that you’re being too hard on yourself but you feel what you feel and your head and your heart aren’t into the blogging right now. If you need time, take it. I hope you come back but that’s just selfishness on my part. I like your posts.

  8. Scarlet

    Totally understandable and it means a lot you came back to explain. I hope things start to ease up a bit and especially hope the panic attacks stop!

  9. Sparkles Anonymous

    Stepping away sounds like the most sanity-preserving thing you can do at this point. First and foremost, take care of yourself.


  10. Law-Rah

    I really hope you know that you owe NO ONE any explanations! This is between you and him. We are not a part of that.

  11. jennetic

    You’re in a tough spot. I hope that, since you both are bloggers, you can start with the understanding that you didn’t mean to say anything hurtful on your blog, and go from there. I don’t think you’ve said or done anything egregious. You may decide to do things differently from here on, but I agree with Jamy, all these things look fixable from the outside perspective. Good luck, and I hope eventually you can blog about how it all works out.

  12. Sweet

    Hey hun. As you know I can relate to this completely — well for the most part. That’s why I had to pause my ‘countdown.’ Writing about your dating life everyday can be an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s good that you’re wise enough to step back. Take a deep breath, get outside, and keep being your fab self. And hmmmm…my co-blogger and I are talking about opening our new and silly blog to other writers…Maybe I can snag a lil Velvet snarky contributor? 😉

  13. Johnny

    velvet, in a perfect world he would have tough skin like me and just say, i love your goddamn blog. love it. even though it slaps me in the face and calls me bitch.


    i dont know where i was going with this.

  14. MellyMel

    Oh damn. I miss reading for a couple of days and come back to this??? WTF?!?!?! You have to call me hun.

  15. Siryn

    Jamy is right: these are not huge mistakes, not as big as you think they are. These things can all be mitigated by good communication. It’s difficult, but it can be done. Sometimes the best way to know what you’re thinking is by reading what you say when it’s pure and uncensored in a non-attribution manner.

    You can’t hide who you are, since everything is out there. And you aren’t the kind of person to really hide who you are in any medium (except when you’re just fuckin’ with them, a la AngryMan).

    I understand and respect the need to take a break. You need to step back and have some perspective, so the anxiety will stop.

  16. Oface

    Ummm yeah you might wanna get those panic attacks checked out before something bad happens, maybe have one while driving on the beltway.

    But dude needs to lighten up, you let him into your world and that should be a privelige in itself.

  17. playfulindc

    In the grand scheme of things, panic attacks are your clues to how you’re doing…blog readers are much less important than your mental and physical health.

    Really, sweetie…be good to you first!

  18. chicgirl

    i have loved reading your blog miss velvet. but bh sounds great and, if there is still something going on, i would either take a small hiatus or change the focus. real chemistry is tough to find, u know??

  19. Johnny

    sing it with me velvet;

    must have been loooove
    but its over now…

  20. Tyler

    Good luck getting things all sorted out Velvet! I am sure you will be able to work through these issues. Have a good break, but I’ll be looking forward to when you come back.

  21. DRFS aka Sue


    Reading your posting reminds me of my anxiety ridden 20’s and 30’s. I have to say that what you see as huge errors on your part are not. They may be misjudgements…but they are not as bad as say…going to war with a country that has no WMD’s. Give yourself a break. And breathe. You are a tough cookie…and you should be enjoying your “love life” not flogging yourself over it. Go forth and relax…blogging will wait.

  22. Barbara

    I’m sorry you’re going through all this. The truth is that it is much easier to write about fictitious characters that never become real to anyone except you. But unfortunately that’s not the real world. I’ve had some painful experiences related to my Blog with friends and family and most of what I write about pales in comparison to your Blog. Maybe it’s time to just write a best-selling novel. I’m sure you will sooner or later.

  23. LadyDiDC

    I can relate…it’s really hard when you know the person you’re writing about reads your posts. I’ve been holding out a lot lately with what I write because I know my ex could potential read my blog (not sure if he does but he knows where it is). It’s difficult because writing is how I express myself, but I don’t want to hurt anyone either. I’m sure you will work it all out soon. 🙂

  24. I love Little D

    I heard that Faith Hill was having sex dreams about some tall good-looking Art History major in the DC.

  25. Kayla

    That’s funny.. I had a sex dream about you and Tim McGraw. I was filming. It was hot.

  26. serena

    We’re here if you need us…even if you don’t know some of us.

    In the words of one of my favorite movie quotes…”Head up, young person.”

  27. Reya Mellicker

    Mistakes are made every single day, especially by us bloggers who don’t have a clue what is appropriate and what isn’t. I don’t know a blogger who hasn’t made some kind of mistake.

    I have a theory about this shift you’re going through, it’s a very positive theory. Hint: get rid of that thing I keep asking you about. Toss it in the garbage. Move on.

    Thank you so much for telling us what’s up.

    Thinking about you!!

  28. Velvet

    Hey dickwad who keeps commenting from Nike’s Corporate office – keep going. I dare you. Your comments will never appear on this site, and if I get another one, I’ll turn your IP address in to your IT Department. And yeah, guess what. It’s the same IP every time. They will know exactly who you are. Try me.

  29. Eternal Freshman

    Panic attacks. Ugh. I wouldn’t wish panic attacks on my worst enemy. I had’em my first 2 weeks of my new job- that’s why I have scarcely posted shit since I started. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through those.

  30. Bilious Pudenda

    Nike Dickwad -I know two brothers, 8 and 10 years old who work in a Nike shoe factory in Agra, India(Home of the Taj Mahal). Together, these two unschooled boys earn 25 Rupees (1 USD = 45 Rupees) for an eight hour day, 6 days a week! Can you live with this knowledge? Cocksucker!

    Star Trek Wit? Fuck me, you are a dullard.

  31. Stef

    I hope taking a break can help you with a fresh perspective and that things start looking better soon. And that this damn allergy season ends, pronto! Feel better. 🙂

  32. Mel

    Oh man. While I understand why you need to take some time, to digest it all. I’m feeling as if the novel I checked out of the library had a crucial chapter ripped out.

    Here’s hoping your chapter is going well … and come back soon as I enjoy reading!

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