Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

The Sun’s Gonna Rise On a Better Day


Velvet (to boss’ voicemail:) Hey. It’s me. Listen, two things. First, you should have come here because there’s no one here to laugh at my sarcastic jokes. Second, I’m, uh, not coming back. Can I get a transfer? Thanks. Call me.

I didn’t hear back from him yesterday. Is it possible that I could have pissed off yet another person in my life? But we talked today. Back to convo mode.

Boss: I got your message. Yeah, we can transfer you out there. But what should we do about your dogs? How can I get them out there?
Velvet: I haven’t thought that part out yet. If I don’t get them here soon, they ban animals flying into Phoenix airport for the summer.
Boss: Why?
Velvet: Too hot.
Boss: I had to leave the office. Rick was really getting on my fucking nerves.
Velvet: (This is the person in my office who hates me.) Awww. How sweet! He has you all to himself and he’s dying to play nice!
Boss: I can’t take it. I actually had to go downstairs and get a drink to cope. Then I went back upstairs and he was all in my face so I walked out with my computer and now I’m at Starbucks.
Velvet: But he can see Starbucks from his window.
Boss: So listen, can I buy your condo from you? I’ll give you $200,000.
Velvet: Um. I can see how you would think that is a fair offer in this soft market…
Boss: Ok. $202,500.
Velvet: Now you’re talkin! Now, if you can just double that number, I should be able to break even.
Boss: Hey, I heard you were really sick. How are you?
Velvet: Yeah, can you believe this shit? I’m at a Conference for building houses for people over 55, am easily the youngest person here and I’m sitting around my room coughing up my lungs while they go out, get drunk and gamble! They are all staying out until midnight, which is 3 a.m. for us!!
Boss: So you’re not out drinking?
Velvet: Hell no. Though, I do need it this week.

So, it’s Wednesday night. The work portion of this trip is finished. Golf clubs and suitcases are being loaded into vans on their way to the airport to all points out of here. Soon, this place will be a ghost town, and I’ll be the only one here sunning my Greek ass. And I don’t plan to come home until I’m 11 shades tanner and several shades saner than I am right now.

Unfortunately for me, my emotions peak and bottom at places that I never thought existed. This never used to be the case for me, but as I get older (groan,) I find that my priorities change and my attitude toward things change. For instance, tomorrow when everyone is gone, even though they are work friends, I’ll be lonely.

Last week I had a convergence of pre-flying jitters, PMS (something that never used to bother me,) and was (and still am) harboring a fantastic cold. Everything bothered me much more than it does at other times. Something as simple as people not getting along is enough to make me cry.


  1. Capt. Jack Dparroww

    I am listening to sho[[ing carts roll across a parking lot. Waiting for my partner to get home. And your blog’s conversational tone really made me smile.

    Thanks for sharing, Velvet. Good luck with your transfer! (if it happens)

  2. Elvis

    Kirk to Spock. Two thoughts. You can’t move to Phoenix. It’s in a whole ‘nother state somewhere west of the Mississippi. Second, wherever you go, there you are. You got problems now, moving isn’t going to solve them. hmmmmm, scratch that — fleeing to non-extradition country to avoid an arrest warrant will solve your problems.

    Kirk out.

  3. Velvet

    Capt Jack – carts? what? You live over a Safeway? I can’t transfer. I’m just blowing smoke out my ass or something.

    Elvis – I can’t leave. I have the best boss and the best job. But I did hatch a new idea here: buying a condo. Sooooo cheap! I’m going to look into it before this market goes nuts. They are expecting another boom. Christ. Oh, and if you ever talk to me in Trekkie speak again, I’ll be forced to talk to invite you to the next Happy Hour and then slap you.

  4. Elvis

    Velvet, you checked local condo market? My sources (Trekkies) in that area warn me that developers are watching Las Vegas condo market burn (because of unsustainable appreciation over past five years), that they closed shop and have moved to Phoenix to replicate the “build/sell” process (in some cases, “buy/flip”). They (Romulans) anticipate building boom in Phoenix, if it hasn’t already happened, but don’t know where cash to float it will come from (Wyoming and Utah, however, are getting cash-outs from great California Flight). Not a sermon, just a thought.

  5. Elvis

    Correction — I’m an idiot. True statement. Phoenix is right over the border to CA (Duh!). Still, so-called friends in Vegas tell me that developers are high-tailing it to Phoenix to build build build. I’maginary RE friends in Utah are buying in and I have no idea why.

  6. Velvet

    Condo is the dirtiest word right now in new home sales. That said, I’m all about things that are dirty. Well, what that means is that now is the time for consumers to buy. I just have to decide what I’d do. I suppose I would furnish it and try to rent it out for the “season.” Then come when it’s off season. Only thing I haven’t worked out is how to get the dogs here, because the off season is also when it’s 115 degrees and the dogs can’t fly into the airport. I’d probably fly half way and drive the rest. Who knows. More shit I’ll buy that my niece will inherit.

    I’m off to dinner with, seriously, a bunch of 80 year olds left behind who prefer to fly out tomorrow morning then take the red eye tonight.

    A slap and a call in to “P…..” to warn her what she’s getting into is in store! Ok, I would never do that. No reason for you to be as miserable as I, my dear.

  7. MellyMel

    Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I hope you are enjoying wherever it is (even though it sounds as if you’re not). Call me when you get back. Muwah!

  8. Scarlet

    I love your boss!

  9. Ellie

    OK..SO let me get this straight: some shit happens that is obviously hard for you to deal with and your reaction is to turn tail and move to a diff. state? Is this the same woman who was making all kinds of allusions to turning her blog into a novel just a short month ago? I mean, of course none of us simple readers really know EXACTLY what happened between you and BH. And my heart does go out to you, but JEEESUS. Drama queen much?

    But…I have been there. And here is a quote from a Sheryl Crow song that really gets to me (…yes…Sheryl Crow…the song is called Crash & Burn…trust me)

    “well, love might be great but why lose your head?”

  10. DCOE

    So Velvet, I was thinking. Orthodox Easter was last weekend (Christos anesti! and all that jazz), which means that I can eat desserts again. I propose us finding the most delicious dessert in DC, and hitting it up with some wine and conversation. I will drag Sharkie, even though she is personal trainer muscle woman. She loves desserts too.

    I always find that when the going gets tough, I run strait for my lady-friends. I need to laugh and gossip and drink wine and just get some stuff off my chest.

    So this is my proposition for you, upon your return, all tan and gorgeous. Just make sure your beautiful tattoo doesn’t fade!

  11. Kristin

    Enjoy the sunshine. Get tan. Feel better.

  12. cosmic shambles

    You what they say: Out of the frying pan and into… another frying pan.

  13. Johnny

    Send pics! woo

  14. Velvet

    Ellie – uh. Do you all joke around in Australia? Shit…and a novel? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never said anything like that.

    Johnny – you’d die to see the pictures on my camera…I can’t post all but will send some to you. You’ll likey. I promise.

    Cosmic Shambles – I try to like you but I really just hate you! Kidding!! Post something already, okay??

    K – Answered your email.

    DCOE – How cute are you? I’m a heathen. I’ve been eating dessert all along. You shoulda been there!

    Scarlet – I love my boss too. He’s hilarious.

  15. Siryn

    None of us need to know EXACTLY what happened, because lest we forget, it’s their business.

    Anyway, what a cool boss! But seriously… no move! No move!

  16. Siryn

    Correction – you can always move back up to the New York area. 😉

  17. CrazyGirl

    Christ on an effing cracker. Who cares how she reacts to stress and bad times? That’s her decision! If she wants to snort lines of coke off a stripper’s tits, then have at it. If she wants to eat pint after pint of Ben and Jerry’s, then have at it. And if she wants to dream about moving across country (or actually do it), then have at it. Velvet is a big girl and can do as she pleases.

    Of course I will slip in that I don’t want you moving….esp to the land of MarriedWhores. Ha.

  18. Velvet

    Oh…and “Ellie” cause I know that ain’t your real name… I hope that you are never tortured by panic and anxiety attacks in your life, and that someone calls you a Drama Queen because they can’t see you someone in trouble. And next time feel free to use your real name and link to your blog.

  19. Capt. Jack Sparrow

    Ha, ha, Velvet, I had two Dogfish Head ales that went to my head rather quickly–and I kinda drunk-commented you!

    Yep, I live right by a Giant. I was sitting there listening to shopping carts roll along, reading blogs.

    Maybe it should be a new trend in which D.C. bloggers drunk blog-comment each other.

  20. Erin

    Capt. Jack – that’s an absolutely hilarious idea. In college, people used to drunk IM each other, and that was awesome because there’s a written record of it!

    I read Velvet’s blog all the time and (don’t think) I’ve never commented. Is it sorta weird that THIS of all things was what inspired a remark? And not even that much of a comment! Sigh. I stink at being a Blogreader. 🙂

    Velvet – Hi! I hope you find a nice cowboy in Arizona! I’d trade a DC man’s oxford shirt for a cowboy hat anyday! Bring some back for us DC girls (preferably with cowboys inside them).

  21. Velvet

    Hi Erin! And hey, if it’s Capt Jacks drunken commenting statement that got you to post a comment, more power to the Captain. And welcome. Comment away new friend.

  22. Mel

    Velvet, hope all is going well while you’re visiting Phoenix.

    Take the time you need, we all should do that.

    However, I thoroughly enjoy being entertained by you so don’t stay away.

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