Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’m an 8 Ball Shootin’ Double Fisted Drinking Son of a Gun

Tonight, I went drinking with Moxie and Chase. How can I put this? Okay. When you sit down at the bar with someone and they say, “I’ll have a vodka cranberry and a Bailey’s with coffee and what will you be having?” as they look your way, you know, you are going to be in for one hell of a night. Moxie displayed her Moxie, as she showed us how to chat it up with the locals. (Channeling DCOE for a second….”And by locals, I mean homeless man who stumbled in for a beer.”) Then Chase and I shared Atlanta stories, since we are both ex-Atlantans. Then I bored them to tears with my stupid stories, and there you have a night! The highlight? The story of Moxie’s mom calling her leasing office to make friends with them and work a deal on her rent increase.

Anyway, these girls are in loooooove with their respective men. It’s nice to hear their warm and fuzzies. I waltzed home, drunk off my ass, wondering what life has in store for me, vowing if I saw HotBroker at this late drunk hour I would say something direct to get a reaction. Alas, no HotBroker. I did have a present when I arrived home, however.

The watermelon I bought at Soviet Safeway yesterday exploded in my kitchen. There is watermelon juice all over the countertops, the floors, and watermelon guts all over the walls and the cabinets. How exactly does a watermelon explode? Life for the single girl, it is really such a bevy of surprises.

Gah. More drunk Velvet and an exploded watermelon. Snooooore. I’ll try harder tomorrow.


  1. Moxie

    Damn. We coulda filled that Watermelon with vodka! (with a margarita back of course)

    Don’t be nixing me from the single girl society quite yet. You know I’m still on your side of the fence despite my smitteness.

    Loved, loved, loved seeing you tonight. I’m printing your t-shirt now: “I went out with Moxie and all I got was this damn hangover.”

  2. I-66

    I want pictures of this exploded watermelon. I can blow it up (ha, get it?) and hang it in the kitchen as a warning to all fruit (and people) of what can happen if they piss me off.

  3. DCOE

    I am jealous of your drunken escapade. It sounds like fun!

    I am a little curious about the exploded watermelon. Could it have been the heat?

  4. homeimprovementninja

    Exploding melons? I have a hunch that Al Queada is responsible.

  5. Chico's Bail Bonds

    As an ATL-ien, I want to hear the Atlanta stories! Hopefully they involve traffic, the airport, and the Braves…

    If it makes you feel any better, a bottle of JD exploded in my car on a hot Atlanta summer day. You can imagine the look whenever someone got in the car and it smelled like a distillery… oh, no, YOU don’t have a problem…

  6. Tyler

    Sounds like a fun night!

    And the watermelon, that’s terrible, but I am confused as to how it happened…

  7. Scarlet

    I tried to google “exploding watermelon” but just got tips on how to make one explode. If you figure out what happened, be sure to let us know.

    (Ha, I also admit to googling “Soviet Safeway” but at least that was more successful than the watermelon.)

  8. KassyK

    It does sound like FUN!! Exploding watermelons…wow. Sounds better than my night of glass of wine and Xanax. Nights out with the girls are great and unexpected exploding fruit…Lovely. 🙂

  9. Barbara

    I never heard of an exploding watermelon. Maybe there was a listening device concealed inside that got splatted onto your wall — you’d better check! Ha-Ha-Ha!

    Seriously, I hope you have a cleaning lady…

  10. Old Lady

    Something caused that watermelon to ferment from the inside out. This rivals Dave Barry’s “Exploding Cows” columns. Maybe there is a government study on Exploding Flora as well as the government study on Exploding Bovines(there really is one)

  11. Chase

    It was fun hanging!
    A watermelon exploded, really? Damn…how does that happen?
    I’m with Moxie…get out the vodka! ha ha

  12. Siryn

    I’m baffled how a watermelon could spontaneously explode. Completely. Did the dogs eat it up?

  13. cosmic shambles

    Reading posts like this makes me think that there is more drama (read: men) right around the corner. I can’t imagine you being satisfied going home alone to a broken piece of fruit every night.

  14. Velvet

    Moxie – You are a DANGEROUS woman. I just remembered us telling Chase about the first phone call you and I had – at 2 a.m. when you got into trouble and fingered me as the one to help you out! HA!

    I66 – Everytime I moved that thing, I was dripping pink watermelon juice everywhere. My entire house is sticky. It looks like when the people get slimed in Ghostbusters. I tossed that bitch down the trash chute.

    DCOE – Possibly. I have the a/c cranked, but the door is open a bit so the dog can go through the doggie door to the balcony and yell at all the neighbors. He likes that. The neighbors, or shall I say gaybours, really like it too.

    Ninja – Hmm. Ever watch Conspiracy Theory?

    Chico’s Bail Bonds – Hooray! You are spreading your intelligence here! YAY!

    Tyler – a waste of a perfectly good watermelon.

    Scarlet – HA! I love this. Googling yielded no info, huh? Damn!

    KassyK – I don’t know…I still can’t believe it. If I was my parents I would have marched back into Safeway and yelled at them for their piss poor fruit selection, but eh. I tossed it down the chute.

    Barbara – Um. All that listening device would hear is me talking to my dogs! Boooooring!

    Old Lady – is this like the South Park where people were spontaneously combusting?

    Chase – you are one crazy girl.

    Siryn – No, it stayed on the counter, luckily. What was left of it. Maybe Gallagher came over?

    Cosmic Shambles – Ugh. Soooo not in the mood to date. Not even in the mood to try. But this is priceless: “I can’t imagine you being satisfied going home alone to a broken piece of fruit every night.” So many places I could go with that….

  15. johnny

    so your dog didn’t like eat it up?

  16. Oface

    I’mprovised explosive watermelon….Thats why I always eat cantelope

  17. El Guapo

    Exploding watermelons are sensual.


  18. Stef

    Exploding Watermelons would make a great name for a band!

    Good luck with the cleaning. I’ve found Clorox Disinfecting Wipes are a miracle.

  19. bejeweled

    Watermelon w/ vodka, ummm, good. Dripping watermelon guts…. ewww, yuck. Now, drunken nights, much better visual. I have them, more often than I should, but good God they’re fun.

  20. Drunken Chud

    old lady is right, something caused fermentation inside the watermelon which caused it to heat and expand till the flesh could no longer contain it, then as the heat and pressure the flesh was forced to expell the building pressure. it tried as long as it could to keep it in, thinking of baseball, and roseanne and all things rubiks, but alas the pressure was greater than the will of the flesh. and there you have a mess.

  21. CrazyGirl

    Sorry I couldn’t make it. I felt crampy beyond belief. Glad you girls had fun!

  22. Mel

    Sorry, I just have to laugh at the sight of a watermelon exploded all over your kitchen. I’m sure it was not a pretty sight, but your reaction made me chuckle.

    And hey – at least it wasn’t your own melons that exploded.

  23. -drm-

    Sounds like good company.

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