Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Velvet Variety Hour – Installment 1

Most of the time, I have a thought, usually when I’m driving. Sometimes when I’m in the shower, and rarely, but on occasion, just as I’m falling asleep at night. See a pattern? All places where I’m not distracted by anything else and my mind can clear. Also places where it’s totally inconvenient to write it down. But, the thought leads to another, that leads to another, that gets crafted into a post you see here. Sometimes though, thoughts pop in and out of my head. They don’t have a well thought out beginning, middle and end. They can stand on their own, sans commentary. We’re Equal Opportunity Thought Writers here at V in D, so these thoughts need a home too. I see this as the innerworkings of my mind. Or as the Queen of Quantity says, “Life really is much better inside my head.” Welcome to the Velvet Variety Show.


Dear Velvet – Please stop. You are really out of control and this behavior really hurts me. You are not living a Jimmy Buffet video. This is real life. I need a few days off…Filled with Piss, Vinegar and Yuengling, Your Liver.


After an off-site meeting in Pennsylvania:
Did you think that meeting was useful?
Velvet: I did, but I was playing the game.
Boss: What? What game?
Velvet: The “what one person would I have sex with in this room” game.
Boss: This is gonna be good. Who was it?
Velvet: Well, I narrowed it down to two actually. There was no frontrunner.
Boss: Clearly the Architect was in there.
Velvet: Damn, you’re good. How did you do that? Cause everyone else in the room was over 70?
Boss: No, because I’m think I have your type down. Ok, I have no idea who the other one was.
Velvet: I’m sort of embarrassed. The Engineer.
Boss: REALLY? I didn’t see that coming.
Velvet: Yeah. There’s something dirty about him.
Boss: He’s old.
Velvet: Maybe that’s it.


Dear Person Leaving at my friend’s Company in Health Care to pursue a career in the Art World:
I’m laughing at you. You have no idea I’m coming. You may not realize it, but I’m closer than you think. You should not try a new job in a field that relies on people having disposable income to keep you in business. Stay in Health Care. People may like art, but they always get sick. When times are tough, people are going to pay to get well, and they sure as hell won’t be paying for art. Disposable Income. Those are the words you need to remember. Art is not a necessity. Healthcare is. Love, Inflation


Chips Ahoy were much better back in the days when they had the maze on the back of the bag.


“Is it bad that I hope they are the next people to get run over by a metrobus? Would it be worse if I was driving said metrobus?”


Dear Mommy:
Tonight you took forever to get home and the rain and thunder came back. Thora was scared. She stayed in the bathtub shaking all night. Love, Sammy, the Self-Proclaimed Lifeguard of R Street

Dear Sammy:
I routinely get phone calls at work from people asking me what the hell you are doing. They said you sit on your little throne outside, barking at everyone down below on the street. All day long. You are NOT, in fact, the Lifeguard of R Street. R Street is a street, not a pool. And knowing how much you hate water, I highly doubt that anyone would hire you to be the lifeguard of anything. What would you do if someone was drowning? Call 911? Please! Tell Thora I’m sorry, but the traffic was bumper to bumper in town. Love, Mommy

Dear Mommy:
Sammy’s an asshole. I wish it was just you and me again. Love, Thora


Dear Velvet:
Tick tick tick. Do you have any plans for us? Cause there’s other places we could be yanno. Time is running out. Sincerely, Your ovaries…remember us?

Dear Ovaries:
Yes, I remember you. Once a month I find out that yet again, you’ve done a job that I really don’t give a shit about. So, I don’t need you. And knock on your cousin Uterina’s door and tell her I don’t need her either. I don’t want any of what you all are dishing out. Kids suck the life out of everyone they come in contact with. Now get out. If you all would abandon ship and exit my body, you would free up enough room for me to eat some more Samoa’s.


In a Meeting with our Advertising and Marketing Firm:
Vice President of a Marketing Firm to Velvet:
We are going to need a Marketing person up in that office in Pennsylvania. Is that going to be you?
Velvet: Ha! Speedracer barely drives outside the beltway.
VP: I think it should be you.
Velvet: Yeah, I’m not working out of that office. I can barely get to our own office in Gaithersburg.
VP: Well we need another “you” then.
Velvet thinks to self: I don’t think the world needs any more me’s running around.


Sexual harassment, as I unfortunately learned with my last employer, is rarely about sex. It’s about power. The person doing the harassing is the one who is exerting the power, real or perceived.


  1. Siryn

    The dogs are so cute.

    Where to begin!!

    I dunno, but this was great and that last point is absolutely correct. Oh, and your ovaries should have a chat with mine.

  2. AlieMalie

    Random Mondays, eh? Interesting post.


  3. Sarah Jayne

    Thora and Sammy, I miss you… you will always have my love…

    Auntie Sarah

  4. Luck O' the Irish

    Right on!

    I think my ovaries are hosting some kind of national friggin’ conference which is co-sponsored by my uterus. Dear innards: STOP ALREADY. Seriously. I can only take so much Advil. Thanks, LOTI

  5. I-66

    I dunno… with this recent weather some of the streets could be confused for pools.

  6. Reya Mellicker

    Art is necessary, as necessary as healthcare. It doesn’t pay as well, though.

  7. Buttercup

    I’m a little in love with the idea of telling one’s ovaries that they are free to leave. If only…

    And I suspect that the world would be MUCH MORE FUN with more Velvet. Just a hunch.

  8. Martin

    Man, that health care/art paragraph was one of the most depressing things you’ve ever written, Velvet.

    And being a descendant of immigrant great-grandparents myself, I’d have to say I still take Natalie Maines’ side over Bush’s any day of the week. Real patriotism demands dissent if it is to survive.

    There’s more to life than putting money in the bank and food on the table. Art, for one thing.

  9. barbara

    I love Thora and Sammy and I haven’t even met them. You would be such a good Mommy because you’ve been so many places that most mommies never go. Would you let your children eat Samoas for breakfast? I’ll be you would occasionally. My point exactly!

  10. Mel

    Freakin’ wonderful entertainment as always.

    I will say that the love note from your ovaries cracked me up.

    I do need to say that I think a Thora & Sammy segment would be hystercial, from their point of view of course.

  11. Velvet

    Siryn – My ovaries aren’t speaking to me after I asked them to leave.

    AlieMalie – It’s a random kind of day.

    SJ – Guess you arrived safe and sound? Or are you floating asea with your laptop, working off a wireless connection from an offshore Crusty Burger? Uh, inside joke. With myself. Never mind.

    Luck O’ The Irish – Straight Ibuprofin. 800 mg. It’s the Rx dose. My sis in law is a nurse. Trust me.

    I66 – Thankfully not yet in my hood. I’m on slightly higher ground.

    Reya – But when you have to choose…

    Buttercup – Yeah, but I’m a one man show. I do so like being the biggest of the mouths.

    Martin – Um. Why was it depressing? We’re on our way. I was working in retail when the last recession hit. And guess what happened? 2/3 of our staff was laid off. Certain businesses – liquor and wine sales for example hold up during all times of economic crisis. Art is not one of them.

    And Natalie can say what she wants, but it is inappropriate to do it on foreign soil. Frankly, I repeat: If she doesn’t like it she can leave. I’m really tired of people hiding behind the argument that our country is founded on the ability to be as disrespectful and tacky as she has been. You want to question things, fine. But, I think people use it as an excuse to be belligerant and anti-government, and it’s all sooooooooooooo tired. SNORE!

    Barbara – Actually, I confess that Sammy and Thora eat Thin mints with me, but I’ve never shared the Samoa’s. Too greedy and they are too gooey for the dogs anyway.

  12. doubleonegative

    while sexual HARassment is not about sex, sexual harASSment actually is. it’s all about which syllable gets the emphasis.

  13. Old Lady

    1. Natalie is a good singer/songwriter. Especially for her genre. My father, a highly decorated Marine would say, I may not agree with what you are saying, but I defend to the death your right to say it.

    2. I lived in Key West when Buffet did. Drinking was not near as popular then as it is now. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

    3. All cats are grey in the dark.

    4. It their life, their decision

    5. Weren’t they! Now they are pale and chalky.

    6. Yes & Yes

    7. Unconditional Love and sibling rivalry nothing like it!

    8. There are alternatives!

    9. Maybe Pennsylvania would be a good change.

    10. True

  14. Velvet

    Mel – Sammy and Thora need a guest post. I agree.

    Double O – You are very bad.

    Old Lady – Natalie doesn’t write. The other two do. Natalie does nada but shoot off her mouth and wail. (Long time Gone, Ready to Run – give me the shivers just thinking about them. Now, Cowboy take me away – a good song, and a good theory…) Okay, but I don’t know what you are saying about cats being grey in the dark..hmm.

  15. Old Lady

    It’s an old saying my mother used about once the lights are out and two become one-it was said in reference to the Engineer.

    Saw the news this weekend. We flood like that sometimes, it is awful!

  16. Tyler

    Love the dogs! I miss mine… can’t wait till they come back in a few weeks.

    I also like the randomness of the post.

  17. french cafe

    Dido on sexual harrassment. Ironically, it also applies in some dating situations. It’s a game of control, power and posession.

  18. Martin


    If there was ever a time to be “belligerent and anti-government,” now would be it. Your mileage may vary, but you read my LJ, so you know where I stand.

    I’m actually not a Dixie Chicks fan, as the music’s not to my taste, but why do you have to leave America if you don’t like it? I love it here–it’s the best country in the world. That’s WHY I’m so critical when things go wrong. Every time we debase ourselves with things like Gitmo and Abu Ghirab, we lose some of what makes us essentially American. I criticize my country because I want it to be better, and I work for that every day.

    Art isn’t about a business to me. I’m with Reya on that. I understand the need to focus on necessities, but part of the problem with modern American health care is that we treat it like a business, encouraging investment in sickness and treatment rather than finding cures.

    And as for the liquor industry holding itself up through thick and thin, well, I don’t drink, so they can’t count on my ill-gotten gains to keep ’em solvent. 🙂

    Oh, and the other two Dixie Chicks are hawt. Just wanted to throw that in there. 🙂

  19. KassyK

    Awww doggies. As a child of an immigrant parent I understand your feelings but I also hate Bush. 🙂 And the sexual harrassement thing is 100% correct. Although I love DoubleO’s take on harrASSment. Babycakes…no kiddies ever? We’ve never had this talk…I love kids but I am not sure either…Hmmm. A post to make me contemplate–I like it.

  20. Raincouver

    Wow! Talk about sensory overload. 🙂

    But don’t evict cousin Uterina just yet. You never know!

    P.S. Poor Thora… but Sammy’s funny, in a remedial kinda way.

  21. Scarlet

    Haha, that was hilarious. I agree about the Dixie Chicks-BLECH!

  22. Moni

    Should we start a group for our ovaries? Mine sometimes get sad, too. However, I try to tell them the story of my grandma, who had only one ovary, was told would have a difficult time having kids, and then went on to have 8. Three of them at the same time (yes, triplets) at the ripe old age of 47. So, fear not, ovaries You are full of surprises.

  23. Buggie

    Heee heee. you funny. Cute puppies. Me tired. To hard to type. Politicos are stopid. Why are we still in DC?

  24. Buggie

    Too hard to type. Geez. Tired and still need to be a grammar nazi.

  25. hedonistic

    I loved the exchange between you and your ovaries. I love my daughter to bits, but . . . right on!

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