Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

So I Placed My Heart Under Lock and Key, To Take Some Time and Take Care of Me

It’s been a good break, but let’s admit it. You all come here to read about dating, and dating you shall get. Something occurred to me today. Ok, that’s a lie. It occurred to me several months ago but I just haven’t done anything about it.

My friends at “It’s Just Lunch” have been suspiciously quiet since our last conversation sometime in February. (Remember when I say “conversation” I’m really referring to a fight.) When I called, of course someone new picked up the phone. (Lookout sarcasm.) I’m shocked they have any turnover at all!

NewGirl: Thanks for calling It’s Just Lunch, this is Cathy.
Velvet: Hi. I am a member and I haven’t heard from you guys in a long time.
NewGirl: What’s your name?
Velvet: Velvet the Sucker.
NewGirl: Hmm. That doesn’t sound familiar.
Velvet: Well, seems you are new there.
NewGirl: Oh yes, we’re all new. You probably worked with Karla.
Velvet: Yeah, she was a real brain surgeon. Got everything wrong.
NewGirl: Well, they brought a bunch of us in to clean things up.
Velvet: Yeah, I think that’s how it works around there.
NewGirl: Can I put you on hold for a minute while I look for your file?
Velvet: Sure.
{About a minute elapses.}
NewGirl: Okay, can I get your information and call you back? I can’t seem to locate your file and I don’t want to keep you on hold.
Velvet: Sure, my phone number is 202-887-5966.
NewGirl: Great. I’ll call you back as soon as I figure out what’s going on.

How excited are you all? The ball is in play bitches! Based on the fact that they do not use computers, email or anything other than scraps of paper to record details, there are so many possibilities for how this can play out. I suspect the last chick burned my file, but we’ll see. Cathy is either not going to find my file, in which case we’ll have a big fight and I’ll either sue them to get my money back, or I’ll get a lifetime supply of dates because they have no clue what they’ve done with my information. Or she’ll find it and toss me back out there with whatever scum has schlepped into their office in the last six months. And I can ease back into the dating world with people who I don’t care about impressing. I can re-acclimate to the scene. Dates to practice! Like a scrimmage!

Spinach in the teeth? Oops, need a toothpick. Forgot to shave the legs? Oh well, better luck next time. Spill the wine in his lap? Sorry man. None of it will matter, but when it comes time to date a real man, I won’t screw it up.

Aah yes, we can thank my brother and sister-in-law for getting me into this hellacious program. And you can bet your ass that the first chance I get, I will be paying them back. I might buy an It’s Just Lunch franchise for my niece’s 18th birthday! HA!


  1. Luck O' the Irish


    My hair salon does the same thing…kinda. They have no semblence of a computer, no files on their customers and do everything with a pencil and a huge appointment book. But this is a full service spa/salon. I just don’t get it. Shouldn’t you be writing down what color/formula highlights the customer has had in the past. They’ve done a good job every time, but I’m always got some anxiety when I’m there that I’ll come out with platinum stripes in my dark brown hair. In fact, I’m going to respond to some of my work e-mails right now…now where is my pencil sharpener and my sticky notes?

  2. Bill

    Do you suppose they’re hiring the Cathys from a nearby city with a really bad school system, or cloning them in a secret lab? Wasn’t there a robotic speaking doll called Chatty Cathy?

  3. Johnny dC

    its more like the pool of decent men is low and pool of losers is high so they can only match you with losers.

    in addition to losing your file.

    im sure they’ll have you in to build another profile.

    for a small fee, of course.

  4. bejeweled

    I feel ya. EHarmony isn’t any better. “They” say they screen potential candidates based on your personal info, but first off, who the hell are they, and second, the geeks and ultra-conservative guys they said I matched up with was so way off from who I was looking for, it was pathetic. The one actual date I did go on, the guy ended up looking like Alfred E. Newman from mad comics…. red bow tie and suspenders, bright blue shirt with white cuffs and coller. No joke. Needless to say, I never poured any $$ back into my subscription. Seems you and I have tried everything to find that one real man…. sigh!

  5. Glitterati

    Welcome back, Velvet! And thrown right into the thick of things w/ IJL too! But really, what’s the point of their even finding your file if they’re just gonna make shit up like you playing volleyball? Sheesh.

  6. barbara

    It sounds to me like you should hope they permanently lost your file and never look back. There was never a good lunch special! By the time your neice is 18 you will be able to give her sage advice about dating and it won’t include this outfit!

  7. Mel

    Oooooh the prospect of dating agin… this should be interesting to hear what goes on with Cathy. Do you think she’ll screw you over??

    I don’t know what I’m anticipating more…a potential cat fight with Cathy or the first blog post after a helacious (scratch that – fantastic) date… hey, I decided to be optimistic for you!

  8. I-66

    I think they should re-name their franchise, make it “It’s Just Velvet” and devote all of their (un)creative energies toward finding you the most bloggable dates until they’ve upheld their end of the bargain.

  9. Asian Mistress

    Do we really need to go back there?

    That girl probably hung up on you because she FOUND your file hahahahah.

    Ohhhh what a scam.

  10. Chico's Bail Bonds

    How great would it be if they outsourced to India? I would LOVE to hear the post-date recap of an arranged meeting put together by someone in Bangalore.

  11. Scarlet

    Haha, I was banned from Camelot for awhile;)

    I you end up getting the lifetime of free dates try to throw in some of our names, too.

  12. KM

    With their detailed knowledge of you, Velvet, there’s no way this can go wrong!

    So, what’s their method of matching people up? Paper out of a hat? Ouija boards? Darts?

  13. Eternal Freshman

    10 bucks says they’re going to ask you to complete a new profile under the guise that the new regime wants to start fresh, when really they either lost it or it was just a jacked up mess in the first place. Regardless, I look forward to reading about this. We should do the 8 at 8 to make it even more interesting. The least we can expect is good blogging material.

  14. KassyK

    I’m with I-66 and recalling the name. “Its Just Velvet” has a much better ring to it…I cannot wait to hear these stories. Lol.

  15. Velvet

    Luck O’ The Irish – OH MY! That’s scary. My salon actually sends out email confirms and reminders, which I love!

    Bill – There was a Chatty Cathy. And a talking Tina on the Twilight Zone – which is what these people are like.

    Johnny – Shit. You might be right. I bet they want me to come back in and pay. And I still haven’t heard back from them…hmm…

    Bejeweled – EHarmony is really a Christian based dating service. Since I’m a heathen and against all things religion, I refuse to even try that site. But good luck with Alfie!

    Glitterati – Maybe I should take up Volleyball, just to help their accuracy rates.

    Barbara – That’s fine, but then they owe me some money. And I’ll go after it, because frankly, I really have nothing else better to do with my time.

    Mel – Cathy sounded somewhat competent, but we’ll see. If I have one incident of saying, “I can do it any day but Monday” and she sets me up for a Monday date, I’ll kill.

    I66 – You should call them and tell them that. But uh, don’t give them the Velvet name, give them my real name. Their phone number is 202 466 6699. And yes, that is their real number, and yes, I see the irony in the last 4 digits too.

    AM – THEM BITCHES OWE ME SOME MONEY! Or bad dates. I’ll take either. Did you see my paragraph on “practice?” I have to practice before I try for real!

    Chico’s Bail Bonds – OMG! That would be AWESOME!

    Scarlet – Okay, since you are the first person to acknowledge that the phone number listed isn’t mine, I have to ask. Do you know the number by heart or did you actually call it? Anyway, you get an A+ for effort, that was awesome. And yeah, I got tossed out of a strip bar in Baltimore. How does that happen?

    KM – I envision it as some nail filing, hairspray spraying, gum chewing, and then a very very low bell goes off in one of the Rocket Scientist’s heads and she says, “Yeah, like, Um, let’s like set Velvet up with Ted Bundy, mmmkay?”

    EF – If they do that, oh boy. I’m rubbing my hands together as we speak. I’ll go in there dressed like a WHORE and will spew out a bunch of lies. Just to see if the results are any different.

    KK – Yes, the stories were a treat. Total treat. Just you wait!

  16. hey pretty

    Yup. Welcome to my new hobby–recreational dating. I’ve chosen the vast catalogs of the on-line resources for my latest slew of victims. Objective 1: Treat it like the hobby it is and do not get offended when you don’t hear from them after the first date.

  17. Scarlet

    Haha, I do NOT know the number by heart but Google is my best friend.

    I wasn’t allowed back for awhile because we would stand outside and get the crowd too riled up. Good times. We would go to visit a friend and would order one drink and then talk to the strippers. I think the owners hated us.

  18. Raincouver

    I just googled “It’s Just Velvet” and the top three hits were (I kid you not):

    1. Something about True Love and the Black Velvet Blues
    2. Rock n Roll (elvis)
    3. Anti-depression and Anxiety (Neurontin)

    Google must’ve been wacked up today. I would’ve thought the hits should’ve been:

    1. Bloggalicious
    2. Comedy Central
    3. Haute Couture

    Maybe I should start my own search engine.

  19. Velvet

    Hey Pretty – I would like to collect all those men who disappeared after the first date and say, “HEY! I wasn’t looking to get married bitch!” Well, unless I hated them. Then I don’t want to collect them at all.

    Scarlet – Google is your friend! Awesome! I wonder how many people actually called the number. I’ve been kicked out of the Ritz in Baltimore, for taking pictures of one Brianna Banks, porn star extraordinaire. However, I have not been kicked out of Camelot, though I think based on something’s I’ve done in their bathroom, I probably should have been. Oops.

    Raincouver – I like the idea of your own search engine! Though as a woman ravaged by anxiety, I’m shocked that came up as number three. I would have expected it to fall at number two, after “inappropriately but not sexually loves her dogs.”

  20. Bill

    I’m with I-66 and KassyK: “It’s Just Velvet” = book title. Get photos. Get stories. You should tweak your profile to include something totally random then see whether they match it. Maybe more of us should sign up to test that system, except they probably wouldn’t care as long as they had our money too 🙁

    Yeah, I see the irony in the phone number, though if you think about that particular layout … well, maybe not.

  21. Reya Mellicker

    I read your blog because it’s so good, the topic isn’t the most important thing, it’s the Velvet view of the world I like to read about. Great week of blogging, by the way (i’m just catching up). Loved the Jiffy pics from Michigan!

  22. Raincouver

    Velvet, I am no fan of dogs, I gotta tell you that. But the stories about Sammy the lifeguard and Thora giving him the look and all just kill me! They’re cute dogs, no doubt about it. I think they deserve that inappropriate (non-sexual, as you put it) love after all.

    happy weekend! 🙂

  23. mappyb

    Wow, speaking of getting kicked out of strip clubs, I got the boot from Crystal City restaurant. Not so much a boot, but a ‘Please stop dancing, you’re distracting the men from the strippers’. No kidding.

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