Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

But Today The Way I Play The Game Is Not The Same, No Way

Twas the first weekend in August and all through the town
Not a creature was attractive at old Chi Cha Lounge.
The lawyer limped along with her dead ugly stare,
With a skunk streak of gray right through her hair.
Her nutjob client must be off his meds
Cause visions of craziness dance in his head…
…when what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a text from a man you all know from here…

Okay, cryptic. Either I’m getting fatter, or this city is getting smaller. And I know with the time I spend at the gym, I am definitely not getting fatter. The lunacy that was my weekend is truly unbelievable. So many worlds colliding, in so many different ways.

  • Happy Hour Friday. I can’t do a recap because I suck at recaps and the pros are better at it anyway. But, I met a reader who nailed the identity of someone I discuss here. Do I not disguise these people enough? Or is D.C. really this small? Wow. Regardless, I’m glad she said something to me, because now I have a new friend who I think is going to be dangerous of the fun fun fun variety.
  • Someone I used to date decided to post his delusional account online of what he thinks transpired between us. Fucking hilarious. I wish I could wander through life with my head up my ass like that. I guess it helps when you have a couple lunatic “friends” by your side to help get your head up there. Christ you people are soooo pathetic.
  • Then, in an interesting twist of fate, half an hour after the above internet posting came to my attention, I almost ran over said person’s lawyer. You know, the one he showed up in court with because he was too chicken shit to face me alone? You know, the one who escorted him out of the courtroom so quickly, that they missed the real fireworks that occurred? You fool. You should have stuck around to hear what everyone thought of you! It’s funny to have court personnel chase you out of the courtroom to talk to you. But I digress. When I saw said lawyer, clumping along the street with her trademark limp, I said to my friend, “Lookie here. It’s the bastard’s lawyer.” Friend, who was in court with me said, “Yep. I couldn’t miss that limp anywhere.” By the way counselor, I figured he would have paid you enough in fees to die that skunk stripe of gray hair you got going on.
  • Headed out Saturday night. It was the night of the ugly at Chi Cha Lounge. Where did all these ugly people with their bad dancing come from? It was like the Geek Squad bus unloaded right on U Street. Anyway, someone very close to a disgusting piece of shit who threw their name into above court case showed up at Chi Cha. How small has this city become? Can’t you people stay in your own quadrants?
  • The night comes full circle just as I decided to go home. Out on the street, I get a text from everyone’s favorite man of last week, saying he was in Chi Cha and he hopes he didn’t run me off. Jesus Christ. It was me who introduced you to this bar, and I had no fucking idea you would make it your god damned new home, having never been there before you met me. It’s getting a little old having you “show up” places where you know I’ll be. I’ve left the rest of your maneuvers off this blog, but for some reason, you seem to be tempting me don’t you? Ok. I’ll bite. Then, I’m done. Ready? Because it’s obviously what you’ve been waiting for.

Dear Sherlock:

My last words to you were via text, “Don’t be fooled by a false sense of intimacy.” Since then, you sent three more texts on Sunday, one on Monday, sent flowers on Tuesday, sent a two page email on Wednesday, texted again Wednesday night, and called three times on Thursday, magically showed up at a bar Saturday you know I frequent, then texted me saying, “Well that was weird.” No. No it wasn’t weird. YOU FUCKING KNOW I GO THERE ALL THE TIME AND YOU HAD NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE MEETING ME JUST TWO WEEKS AGO. Is all of this above stuff your version of “laying off the intensity?” Do you not see how showing up at a concert at Nissan Pavillion or showing up at my house at 2:15 a.m. when I ask you not to, or showing up at a bar I go to enough to know the freaking staff is insane? Do you not get this?

It’s enough. I’ve had enough. I have not answered any of your attempts to contact me because, listen carefully, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Frankly, you scare the fuck out of me. Your ability to twist what I say, or blatantly disregard what I say and do what you want anyway is beyond scary. Get the fuck off this blog or I’ll block your Verizon wireless card and then you’ll have a hell of a time trying to come back.

No longer a breeding ground for psychotics,

P.S. If you want to create a blog about what a bitch I am, something about my being a crack whore URL is already taken.


  1. barbara

    This doesn’t sound nearly as positive as Friday’s post. “Raining men” was such a pleasant thought.

  2. Wicked H

    They’ll never learn Velvet. The whackjobs. Hang in there kiddo.

  3. Drunken Chud

    i’ve often wondered what life would be like as a whackaloon. i’ve known guys like that, i’ve known girls like that. i’ve often wondered what it must be like living in their world. i mean seriously, someone just called you a motherfucking idiot and told you they never wanted to talk to you again, ever, and then filed a restraining order against you and showed you the pistol they just purchased because of you, and yet, in your mind it’s love. and meant to be. heh. scary, yes. funny, yes, to the casual observer. heh.

  4. MappyB

    Ugly people who are bad dancers are the worst! Sorry you had a bad night, I know what you mean about DC becoming smaller. Everyone knows everyone else. It’s so incestious! (sp?)

  5. Red

    Bad dancers can be real fun to watch.
    It was great to meet you at the HH Friday.
    Great things are in store for you!

  6. ashburnite

    It was really great meeting you at HH. I’ll be in touch via email about that project.

  7. La Whisky

    I’m beginning to ponder a change of venue as well…

    I’m already done with this month. August sucks. I’m hibernating (well, as long as I can manage not to lock myself out of my apartment) for the rest of the month (except for next Friday as I already agreed to go out then).

  8. Sandra Dee

    Gah! Men! I’m with Barbara: Friday sounded so promising. Boo.

    Hang in there with the others!

  9. Siryn

    1. The city becomes increasingly smaller as you go out and meet more people. You can’t expect people to “stay in their quadrants.” It’s going to happen from time to time. The key to it all is to go on living life and living well. Don’t give these people your energy.

    1a. Yeah! You’re coming up soon! Good to get out of that city. 🙂

    2. As for Chi Cha. DC… Hollywood for Ugly People. end of story.

    3. Sherlock. It’s sad that it comes to this. I had such hopes for you, but you just can’t take a hint, even when it’s branded onto the inside of your eyelids. Time to move on.

  10. elvis

    You need to write a pilot for HBO. Christ, this is good stuff. Velvet In Dupont would be a hit, maybe 5 Emmys. Whenever I read your posts, I think that you live the life of Carnivale, the Sopranos, Entourage, and Deadwood altogether. “Effing dead ugly lawyer c*cksucker… pay off the cops already and I can meet you at the lounge with E and Drama.”

  11. Moni

    You go, Velvet! Love the post and the “put him in his place” final words. Love it.

  12. Jason

    Way to give him hell, Velvet. I’ve truly never known anyone to have such amazingly poor luck and yet seem to be such a wonderful(ly snarky) person. It’ll be a real shame to lose you should you go to AZ, but I think it’s important for people to follow…not their hearts as the phrase makes blood want to shoot out of my nose…but you get the idea. As long as you have a direction for your life you’ll get where you need to go. Gotta love a woman with a plan!

  13. Luck O' the Irish

    EEEK! And double EEEK. So much for the freaks come out at night. In this case, the freak is out ALL THE EFFIN’ TIME. Reminds me of the guy who I told not to come over to my house and then I answered the phone and he said “look in your driveway”, where he had parked his car and blocked me in. Not good. Very, very not good.

  14. doubleonegative

    sounds like people have “conveniently” found their way to chi-cha to “bump into you.” if i were you, i’d either find a new stomping ground or demand some commission from the good folks at chi-cha. i was at stetsons for some time that night, so i was just a hop-skip and a jump from making your world even smaller. as an aside– the ridiculous line to get into local 16 gave me a good chuckle.

  15. Velvet

    Barbara – It’s still raining men. I’ve got plans this entire week.

    Wicked H – One day…one day I’ll meet someone normal.

    Chud – I learned with an old boyfriend (TheCop!) that people really only hear what they want. I tried to make peace with him once and he says, “I’m so glad we’re back together.” I was like, “Um, what conversation were you in, we didn’t get back together!”

    MappyB – And I’m not even in that politico crowd. Shitskis. Think if I was, I’d know everyone.

    Red – Great to meet you too!

    Ash – Glad you made it out on Friday!

    La Whisky – Can I entice you into, oh, say, Phoenix?

    Sandra Dee – Oh, I’ve still got all that going on. Meeting one tonight actually. I’d tell you all where, but, you know…when my wherabouts become public, certain people seem to just “happen to show up.”

    Siryn – Ugh. I know…to all of what you said.

    Elvis – Trouble just seems to find me.

    Moni – It’s not really my style to entertain these types. I figured the best thing is to not talk about it and move on. But I was hoping in putting that entire stream of his actions out there that it would maybe, possibly click in and he would say, “Oh, yeah. I’m a little extreme. I’ll stop now.”

    Jason – Hi, and welcome. About the poor luck, I’ve never had luck this bad in my life. The last few years have been ridiculous. Funny, and blog-worthy, but still ridiculous. I was lucky to have some really good romantic situations for most of my adult life.

    Luck – I feel your pain.

    Double O – I am sad to have to find a new stomping ground, but, I told my friend that we can’t go back there for a while. You were at Stetsons? And I didn’t come over there to put my hand on your knee under the bar? Damn!!!! DAMN! Though, of course, I wouldn’t have known which one you were.

  16. KM

    Funny to bump into you here at your blog, Velvet. I had no idea you’d be here.

  17. Dancing Diva

    ugh how pathetic! it’s your city too — guess i feel this cuz i’ve been there. remember the days of lists — the ex would find my name on it and then ask if i’m going. well duh! then i wouldn’t go.

    BUT i did find some new spots, and the geek squad can keep chi cha. bleh.

  18. dc ski bunny

    Are you going to put up a link to the delusional story so we can compare it to your side (which I assume you have written about)

    A good he said/she said is always interesting!

  19. Velvet

    Um, no. I won’t be posting that. Did you not see the part about “court?” Yeah, I don’t mess around with crazies.

    Diva – email me the new spots pleeeease!

  20. mysterygirl!

    Wow. I don’t even have words. He could argue that you’ve miscontrued his intentions before, but when you list everything that’s happened in the last week, that is proof positive that he has a serious problem. I would be so creeped out.

  21. KassyK

    Sugar it was great to see you on Friday night…HH was such a good time. I am so sorry that you are still dealing with the drama of psychos…its so not right. Remember I still have your back. 🙂 Esp with pervs wanting to know about your undies. Ick.

  22. Dancing Diva

    velvet — i stopped going to chi-cha cuz i know ex took that over too, and i showed it to him 1st as well! lame-o.

    new spots i’ve been liking: cafe st ex, left bank, bossa, lima and of course you’ve been there gazuza. if you find some that are gems w/out geek squad infiltration, pls do let me know too!

    missed the HH friday, hope to make it to the next one. and i hope creepy stays the heck away!

  23. Tacoma, washington!


    That is all.

  24. DCOE

    I have never been to chi-cha lounge, but maybe that is because I know it is your bar and much like I didn’t invite you to make out with me while I got my tattoo, you do not invite me to go to your bar with you! I mean, I have cute, pour myself into them make my ass look great, 7 jeans and cute little shirts and plus, I promise that I would not stalk you by like, showing up at your apartment and wanting you to put out or anything.

    In addition, I will be quite sad if you move to Phoenix, but I lived there when I was in Kindergarten and if I weren’t tied to DC I would be tempted to live in the southwest. At least if you moved you could get a rocking bachelorette pad and I could come visit you, right? RIGHT???

  25. Washington Cube

    I’m sitting here watching bullriding. Yes, Velvet…BULLRIDING and it seems normal. I think tomorrow I’d better ring up Dr. Everything’s Gonna Be All Right (obscure reference to Velvet’s posting) and See What Condition My Condition Is In (even more obscure Playaz reference point.)

  26. QueenofPreen

    I just discovered your blog, and it’s great to read. Glad to have found you, you have an avid new reader!

  27. freckledk

    I am amazed that he hasn’t thrown in the towel and found a new woman to harass. I mean – c’mon – we all know he’s reading your blog. He HAS to know by now that you are repelled and horrified. But he’s trying HARDER? He either has huge balls or is a complete and total nutbag. Christ.

    Did you get the book yet? Good, huh?

  28. Serena

    I think “no longer a breeding ground for psychotics” was my favorite part.

  29. Velvet

    Mystery Girl – That’s why I did it. In one of his emails he insinuated I was embellishing things. I’m definitely not embellishing, and it leads me to think that he’s lost all sense of reality. Or perhaps that he never had it.

    Thanks KK!

    Diva – If I do, I’ll email you. Because I learned a hard lesson. Don’t tell people where the “cool spots” are because then they show up there.

    Tacoma – yeah yeah. Still waiting on the book.

    DCOE – If you showed up at my apartment in the middle of the night wanting me to put out, um, we’d have to start a whole new blog.

    Cubie – Got the first reference, but not the 2nd one on the Playaz.

    Queen of Preen – Welcome Welcome! Thank you for the compliment.

    FreckledK – I couldn’t agree with you more.

    Serena – HA! Thanks!

  30. CrazyGirl

    What a tool. Thats all.

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