Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Things Aren’t The Way They Were Before

I’m in Atlanta.

As I left town early Saturday morning to make the trip south, it was really quiet in my neighborhood. Probably a combination of the early hour and the holiday weekend, there were only a few people milling about. My last glimpse of Dupont Circle was a man walking up the street, flipping through the Yellow Pages. I really wonder about some other people’s worlds, you know?

I sat in hellacious traffic from Arlington to oh, Richmond. I now know why it is appropriately called “NoVa.” No va in Spanish? “Doesn’t go.” Yeah. That was me for three hours yesterday morning. I attempted to make up for lost time, doing about 90 alongside some boys in a Mercedes from Connecticut. Eventually through a traffic altercation, where they slowed down to 50, I pulled up next to them and asked them if they were okay. We ended up having a conversation at about 70 m.p.h. on the highway just north of Charlotte. Seems they lived on the same street as me in Connecticut. Since the street is about three blocks long, I’d say that yes, it is a small world.

I stopped in Charlotte for dinner. I tied the dogs up outside a restaurant and went in to order food and use the restroom. When I came back outside, someone had given Thora and Sammy their own cups of cold water. Um…wow. I forgot what it was like to be in the south again.

Then I got in the car and hauled ass to my friends house. I got there just before 10 p.m., and I was reminded instantly of why she is one of my best friends. She began to explain her theory of how she could be a waitress who telecommutes. Sigh. That chick is just too funny.

Now, the meat of this post is really about Thora. And my ex. Two and a half years ago my ex left town and left Thora with someone who was supposed to watch her. But his version of “watching her” meant opening the doggie door and letting her do whatever she wanted. After a week when he didn’t return home, she took off. He and I had a fight because he never went to look for her, I put an ad in the paper, someone called me and I drove all night with Penny to get her. That was the fateful trip where the cop pulled us over and asked if he knew why we were pulled over. Penny says no, and he says, “Because you almost hit me.” Well, shit. We were exhausted!

Okay, so it’s been 2 and a half years, and he seems to have cleaned up his act. I decided to tell him that I was coming to town. He’s asked me if he can have Thora for the time I’m here. I’m so scared to just let him have her because he’ll try to take her back. But I don’t want to deny him the chance to get to see her and play with her. So, I’m totally at a loss. The person he was a few years ago is hopefully long gone, replaced by someone more responsible and less angry. But it’s only a guess. So now I’m stuck in the position of trusting someone who swears he can’t care for the dog and won’t separate her from Sammy again. We’re supposed to meet tomorrow and all I can hope is that this doesn’t backfire. I don’t think I will be lucky enough to find her a second time if she gets lost. Damn me and my conscience. I could have come to town and not said a word. Shit.


  1. Old Lady

    Holding my breath and crossing my fingers

  2. KassyK

    I would say let him see her but NO do not let him keep her while you are not there. No way. No matter how much he has changed, she is one of your babies and she takes priority over him right now. You know? Be careful and hopefully have some fun catching up with him. Muah.

  3. scarlet

    Yikes, tough call. Can you do what Kassy said and keep it as a monitored visit?

  4. Bill

    Glad to see that you made it there safely, Velvet. Tough call on the deal with Thora and your ex. Do you think Thora might read him better than you can? With OL, I’ll be holding my breath, but I know you will be careful.

  5. Pagan Marbury

    Your dog ran away on his watch? I would never ever speak to him again.

  6. Velvet

    Okay, is the weather shitty up there? How come you kids are all reading blogs today? Hmm. Well, Old Lady is down here in Georgia, and I can attest to todays 200% humidity level, but wow! Okay, we left it that I’m supposed to call him tomorrow. He did say that he can’t handle having a dog right now with his job. I do believe that, and he said something in his text about me not trusting him even a little. I’m at a loss. Damn. I asked Thora if I could give her a cell phone and she could call me if she’s in trouble, but her paws are too fat to dial my number.

  7. Erika

    I wouldn’t. People are so careless with animals and when something happens they think it’s no big deal, it’s only a dog or cat.

  8. Red

    Tough call chica! But I agreed with Kassy. Let him see her but not keep her for any length of time.
    I know Thora is your baby but it’s not like she’s a kid and he doesn’t have any rights to her. He has proven he isn’t fit.
    *Hugs* You’ll be ok.
    Remember to have fun

  9. NR

    You could get one of those phones for kids that just have a button to call you and one to hang up. You can use that even if you only have paws. Like me.

    I’m going to agree with only supervised meetings. I don’t want to sound like a bad guy, but you have a history of trusting to much, Velvet.

  10. Washington Cube

    I’m voting for the monitored visit, not that you should give two figs what I think. If something bad happened, you’d have a hard time living with that one.

  11. bejeweled

    Girl, I wish you the best of luck. I have a naggin conscious too, so I know I would have put myself in the same delimma. I would say to have a supervised meeting, just like the rest of us are saying. There’s a reason why you still have your doubts as to why you should give up total ‘custody’ of your dog to your ex. Staying w/ Thora could be a good chance for the two of you to sit and chat for a bit? Maybe put the past finally aside? Clearing up chapters of my life always makes me feel one more step to being complete.

  12. scarlet

    US Open is on. I’m inside, glued to the tennis! It’s rare I’m not at work when this stuff is on.

  13. circumlocutor

    Have you ever seen the Sally Field film “Not Without My Daughter” or read the book? Seriously…my dogs are my babies too, and if I would test out the cleanliness of anyone’s act on the kids. On another note….Atlanta is much less fun these days, don’t you think? No more Backstreet….

  14. Rosie

    You know what I think? I think he doesn’t care as much about Thora as you do, but that he does know how much she means to you. Getting you to let him have her for a while is a way for him of asserting how much you still care for him, and of trying to flex what little hold he has over you. This is nothing to do with Thora, and all about him and you. Don’t let him have her. He’s not hers to have, and you are not his; don’t let him guilt trip you into this.

  15. Dan

    Oh my god, Velvet DON’T DO IT. I haven’t read any of the comments, I just want you to get this message asap – DON’T DO IT.

    Listen to me, please. I’m a recent dog-owner, dog lover, dog guy. Me and My Zeke were inseparable until that kidney infection accomplished what cross country moves and many other attempted interruptions could not. I say this to establish my dog-caring cred.

    That’s your dog. She’s counting on you. She’s depending on you. She is not a mechanism for the redemption of your ex. She is not a vehicle for the confirmation or refutation of the power of change or any other crap. She’s your dog, she loves you, and the risk just aint worth the reward. Big whoop, he’s grown up. And if he hasn’t, you’ve betrayed your dog’s trust and more importantly, you lose your dog and your dog loses you.

    Oh my god, Vel, my chest clenched when I read that. Please tell you me decided against that. He wants to see her, to play with her under supervision, sure. But please please please don’t leave her.

    Date Sherlock all you want. Sleep around. Do some drugs. Get a tattoo. Pierce your face and get a ubangi lip-plate and one in both ears. Spit on cops. Do whatever you want, be as creative or self-destructive as you like. Your dog doesn’t get to make those decisions though. Your dog’s counting on you to know when to scared for her safety.

    Geez, this totally reactivates me… need therapy much, Dan?

  16. barbara

    This sounds like a question of doggie visitation rights. I’m actually more worried about how you’re going to react to your ex than Thora is. It’s hard not to let 6 years of your life cloud your better judgment. Hope it all goes well for you and the dogs.

  17. Pagan Marbury

    Is this the same guy who threatened to send something incriminating to your parents?

  18. Velvet

    Red – I’m actually wondering how people share kids with exes and such. I would be changing social security numbers and liquidating bank accounts if I had to share kids with anyone else. Too scary. How do you know the kid will come back? Whooo, it gives me the chills just thinking about it.

    NR – I trust too much? Are you sure?

    Circumlocutor – I am in shock at what has become to Atlanta. Seriously. I always thought I could easily live here again, but wow. Buckhead is now the ghetto, the ghetto I used to live in is all built up and everyone I knew basically left the area. Can’t say I blame them.

    Rosie – Funny you say that Thora is not his to have. His text this morning said, “I want to spend time with MY dog.” Huh. Whose been feeding her and paying her vet bills since she ran away from you 2 and 1/2 years ago?

    Dan – Um, wait, the cross country trip did what? Kidney infection what? I feel awful, I want him to be able to spend time with her without feeling like Charlie Sheen at a Denise Richards soiree, but, I also know that if he shuffles her off somewhere and tells me to fuck off, I’ll NEVER find her again.

    Barbara – Me reacting to my ex? I don’t think there will be any reaction from me other than, “Hi.” I am so far from that point in my life. At least I think I am. I definitely still have a soft spot for him.

  19. Dan

    All I’m saying is that your committment is to your dog, not him. His needs, if they show up anywhere on the radar at all, do not supercede Thora’s need to not lose you and your need not to lose her.

    He’s already lost her once, for goodness sake!

  20. NR

    “NR – I trust too much? Are you sure?”
    That was sarcasm, right? Damn, I hate text. There should be a symbol that means: “the following is sarcasm.”

  21. Needtsza

    Just got back from outta town. Hope your trip is restful. =)

  22. upstairsneighbor 3000

    just checking in on you today…but i will say that the “seems” portion of “seems to have cleaned up his act” doesn’t bode well for him getting alone time. enjoy hotlanta.

  23. AlieMalie

    nooooooooo, Velvet! don’t do it!

    this is Thora we’re talking about. he did something stupid once, don’t trust him again. i’m not meaning to sound distrustful or spiteful or mean or rude – but this is your baby we’re talking about. THORA.

    nooooo. no. no. no.

    at the most, only supervised visitation.

  24. QueenofPreen

    Two word.s Supervised visitation.

    Have fun in ATL :)! I wish I could get out of ths dump for a few days *sigh*

  25. Amanda

    What Rosie said is right on target, Velvet. He’s attempting to assert power over you, and Thora is NOT HIS DOG. Let the ex go, and move along with your baby Thora. I would’ve told him to F off, personally.

  26. Drunken Chud

    so uhh… can i borrow thora for a few days? just wanna take her to the park to pick up ladies.

  27. Stef

    I’m with everyone else here – supervised visit only. Don’t let Thora out of your sight. Even if he is a decent guy, she’s trusting you and she’s coming home with you, so you should stay with her. Good luck!

  28. playfulinnc


    Um, he’s got a big sack to ask for that.

    I don’t care what he’s turned into…he really f-ed the first time, so…

    You can’t change ’em. Best lesson I ever learned.

    See you soon~

  29. zenchick

    I’m with Rosie: this isn’t about the dog. People do this with their kids ALL THE TIME after they split up.
    And, not that you care what *I* woulda said, but if I’d gotten that text, I’d have written back: dang SKIPPY I don’t trust you, “even a little”.
    What has he done to earn that trust, let alone in comparison to what he’s done to violate it?
    It’s your choice, but you don’t have to allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated.
    (just for the record, I’d be having similar agonizing feelings. Guilt tends to work on me-initially. *Initially*. Feelings don’t have to dictate behavior.)
    Okay. I’ll shut up now.

  30. kokonutz

    You are WAY too forgiving and trusting, IMHO. You can screw with me, my family, my friends, whatever. But you fuck with my dog and your ass is grass. Forever and ever, amen.

  31. JohnnyDC

    This one time, I let the cat out, and it died… so I had to find another black cat, and paint its tail… hahaha!

    Okay, that was Meet the Fockers, not me.

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