Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Take a Hold of My Hand and You’d Understand Why Love’s Worth One More Try

All right. I’m getting emails from you guys asking if I’m okay. Thanks. Yep, I’m okay. A month ago I had posted that life was knocking me around in many areas and I needed to take a blogging break. I guess that more of the same is happening right now. Though, a month ago, they were going to possibly shut my division down and I was to be out of a job. I don’t know how, but we all held on by a thread, and they have realigned some responsibilities. Now I have the equivalent of three jobs. I know I shouldn’t complain, but god damn am I busy. And keep in mind, being “busy” in my industry is compounded by the fact that I’m driving from subdivision to subdivision to get some of this work done. All that travel time in the car is basically useless. Once I get this to a more manageable workload, I should be able to breathe again. Until then, please forgive me if I’m quiet.

So, after the last post, I think that some of you seemed to be, um, how shall I say? Extra judgmental? I know that this situation isn’t exactly ideal in your eyes, but it is in mine. I know that what has been going on has been high on the drama richter scale, but there is something between Sherlock and I that just keeps bringing us back together. And this arrangement we’ve (I’ve) created works for us. At least right now.

Sunday night, I was helping a friend with her own man-drama issues that truly trump my stupid problems by at least 10 times. She said that my visit to her house, and bit of assistance in sorting some things out was very helpful to her. But, it was helpful to me too. I realized that, truly, my issues are minor compared to what they could be. I love a man. And he loves me. Why is this so hard? Anyway, Sherlock texted while I was there and said that he was in New York City for work and that he really just wanted to say hi since we hadn’t spoken a word since I left his house on Saturday.

I texted him back, and said I was at a friend’s house, but asked if we could talk in about an hour. He said okay, that he wasn’t expecting to talk, he just felt like he should tell me where he was and why he hadn’t tried to call. When I left my friend’s house, I called him. What I really wanted to talk to him about was twofold – first, the negativity of the comments with respect to my last post really bummed me out and second, the perennial “are we doing the right thing” question.

I’m not sure if we answered the above questions, but we were on the phone for 4 hours. There were a couple major points of things covered, and here is where I bust into territory that will probably get me ripped apart. Sherlock asked me point blank if I was “on something” when I went to his house on Friday and we had the big talk. I asked him why he asked that and he said, “You just seemed different. Meaner. Much darker than I’ve ever seen you.” I admitted that yes, earlier in the evening, a friend had put an old vice of mine in front of me and I dove in. He asked if I’d been doing this all along. I told him it had been at least a year, and that is the truth.

After a long silence and a deep breath, he said he couldn’t possibly have “an arrangement” with me if there was a chance that I would be partaking in extracurriculars. I started to say that this was a one time thing, but then I stopped myself because really, I don’t have to defend myself to him. I can do what I want. After several exchanges where he placed that as his “deal breaker” on the “arrangement,” I told him I fucking hated him and that he couldn’t tell me what to do. (I know, I’m childish.) His logic was that he still sees me as the woman he is going to marry and have kids with, and he doesn’t want me doing this to my body. We agreed to disagree on this one, with the idea that if we do formally get “back together,” that at that point, I will honor his request to stay away from all narcotics.

Monday. Sherlock came back to town and called me from the airport. He said he wanted to see me, and he took a cab to my house. He came in, we literally had sex for 20 minutes, then he got up to leave. Perfect. I do so love this arrangement. But we were at the door saying bye and he said, “Have you been taking your pill?” I’ve been known to forget. I said, “Yup.” Then he said, “Yeah. Like I even care. Play all the mind games you want to make yourself feel better, we both know what is going on here.” And on that, he went home.

Wednesday I had Jury Duty. I didn’t get picked and they let me go home. I hit the gym and Sherlock and I decided to have dinner and watch a movie. He picked me and the doggies up and we went to his place. He picked up dinner, then we carved a pumpkin. When I say “we,” I mean, he carved while I bossed him around and ate pumpkin seeds that I doused with salt. While he carved, we sat on the kitchen floor with the dogs between us just talking. He was talking about when he was little how they would carve pumpkins, and that Halloween is his favorite holiday. (Me too! The Velvet Family has ruined the rest of the holidays!) He asked me where I’ve traveled. And somewhere in the mundane conversation, I just got totally overwhelmed and said, “You know what?” He said “What?” I said, “I am so in love with you.” I haven’t said it since before this latest debaucle. He stopped, and looked up and said, “I am so in love with you too. You make me want to be better at everything I do.”

While I was at Jury Duty, I read about 100 pages in this book Red recommended a few months ago – Around the World in 80 Dates. I’ve been slowly reading, but yesterday was my chance to plow through. In a nutshell, this British lady ends a 5 year relationship. Feeling that her soulmate doesn’t exist in London, she decides that travel will heal her wounds. She embarks on a journey to find a soulmate on dates set up around the world by friends and acquaintances called Date Wranglers. As tricky situations arise, she will often consult these “Date Wranglers” for advice.

When I was walking home from the metro, heading to the grocery store before going home, I read something that made me stop dead in my tracks on Corcoran Street:

“It would be good to ask the Date Wranglers their opinion about all this, but comforting as the thought was, I knew this was something Garry and I had to work out for ourselves. There was a point when new lovers stopped being public property and made their own world in private (and this was especially true of our cast of thousands relationship.)”

It’s like she reached out through the book and slapped me across my face.

My therapist said it is time to stop the blog because it is destroying my life. Sherlock has asked me to stop because he also doesn’t think it is healthy. Understand please that neither my therapist nor Sherlock is aware of what the other person thinks. But these two people are perhaps the most important in my life aside from family. I really thought this blog could just go and go, especially with the support of a man who doesn’t mind. But he minds now. And I have to live with that every time I hit publish.


  1. Jill

    What can I say…how true that last part is, brutally true. I will miss your blog, but if this is what you have to do to get what you deserve in life, then so be it. I have never been judgemental of your choices, nor will I ever be. As long as you are safe, happy and loved, what more could we want for you? Everyone makes choices in life, some are good and some, not so much but, we learn from then and move on. Sounds like you are making a choice that is right for you and moving on….

  2. Scarlet

    Aw, I am so on the Velvet cheerleading team right now! I wish you only the best and everything you said totally makes sense. Sometimes I have to remind myself that “Velvet” is not just a character, but a real person. I trust you know what I mean:) If this truely is the end of Velvet In Dupont then you better effing keep in touch! Me, you and Serena need to hang out sometime.

  3. Red

    Wow! I feel you are in a happy place but I will miss you terribly.

  4. circumlocutor

    Shit! I just wrote you the longest, most flattering comment, and it got zapped when I hit submit. I’m very happy that you’re happy. The more the story of Velvet and Sherlock evoles, the more I think that you two share similar souls: free spirits who want comfort and love at all.

    Don’t stop the blog. Beyond the cathartic service to yourself, you have provided a great service to your readers by letting men and women know that the problems of love and relationship are normal. But don’t ever feel you have to pander, cater, whatever to the audience. You don’t need to ever perform. If your life becomes lovey dovey, then so be it.

    Argh… the original message was so much longer and sweeter. Now, my Tylenol PM has taken effect.

  5. bettyjoan

    “I realized that, truly, my issues are minor compared to what they could be. I love a man. And he loves me. Why is this so hard?”

    Ah, nothin’ like a healthy dose of perspective. 🙂

    I don’t know if you’ve made a final decision about the blog or not, but I will say this: while I’d miss reading your racy and poignant contributions to the blogosphere, I’d smile every day knowing that you stopped writing (at least publicly) to pursue something even better.

    Everyone reading now loves you and respects you and wants you to be happy. If Sherlock makes you happy and the blog doesn’t, then you know what to do.

    Good luck with your workload–and Happy Halloween! 🙂

  6. Ashburnite

    ohh 🙁 I’ll really miss reading your blog.
    But, like everyone else said, if it’s something you need to do for piece of mind, then I support your decision. I just hope things work out for you and Sherlock, and that he stops talking to the hags. And you better keep in touch!

  7. homeimprovementninja

    Sorry to hear you’re thinking of quitting. Here are some other possibilities:

    1) you can guest blog on my site whenever you want.

    2) you can blog about other things besides dating. There are plenty of dating blogs, but currently, my blog is the only one that has Ninja News, so you can do that on your site too if you like. THere’s always a need for timely news about the shadow warriors and I’ve been too busy to blog lately.

    3) you can have someone take over your blog and continue to write about dating. Like someone else we know who just quit and deleted her blog. She can be anon and you keep your blog going.

    4) you can outsource your blog to India or China. They can have college-educated bloggers putting out 10-12 posts a day for you at less than 50 cents an hour. You can’t beat that kinda productivity.

    5) you can turn your site into a porn site. I know there’s lot of them on the internet, but there’s no such thing as too many porn sites.

  8. KassyK

    Velv–You are a wonderful person. You have become so dear to me in this blogging world and in real life. You know what is best for you and so what if it isn’t cookie cutter perfect…if it ends up being wrong then you will get out of it…you have BEEN in long term relationships before and you are aware of when its right and when it is not.

    You have love and that is right. And I wish you only good things. 🙂

    I wish you wouldn’t leave blogging but I know you’ll find a way to still be with us 😉

  9. Barbara

    I hope the pumpkin has a big smile on its face! I too will miss your Blog and I can’t resist asking from time to time how you are doing. I am convinced you are one of those people who always lands on her feet. Bon chance!

  10. Not So Little Woman

    I agree with a lot of the above. Blogs are one wonderful tool of self-expression, but airing one’s laundry to the world has its downside. I applaud you for following your gut and doing what is best for you. After all, as I always remind myself, only YOU know what is good for you and only YOU and your beloved know what the reationship is like and therefore are the only ones who can tell when it works and when it doesn’t.

    I never meant to judge your actions, Velvet, and I think the rest of those in here who care for you didn’t either. When we love we protect and by giving you unsolicited advice we did what came naturally: tried to protect you. Now you are protecting yourself and what you love by not blogging. I applaud that. I would still keep the possibility of blogging again open. Not necessarily about dating, but about whatever. My blog is fairly new and I don’t believe it will be so much about dating but about, well, the process of finding what the heck is going on in my head and quiet the mess I’ve got. So, blogging can have its therapeutic effect. Hardly anyone reads what I write but for me it’s not about that. It’s about putting stuff out of me to gain perspective.

    Do keep in touch if you choose so. I will miss you, your writing and your insight. But I love that this brave step is taking you to a happier, better place. What more could we your friends/readers want for you?

  11. Ashburnite

    oohh…HomeI’mprovementNinja is on to something- the guest-blogging part. I, personally would love for you to guest blog on mine, and I’m sure there are quite a few of us.

  12. freckledk

    But you haven’t written a HMW post yet! I was so looking forward to that 😉

    I will miss reading of your exploits, of course. But I hope that I can continue to know you outside of your blog. I’ve got quite the platonic girl-crush on you, you know.

  13. Tacoma!

    Understood. There are some parts of a relationship you can’t explain.
    I’m sad because we won’t be compairing anal stories anymore, I’m happy because you’re happy.
    Of course I would LOVE to know what happens in the future (especially if he meets the Velvet family, the DRAMA!).
    But I’ll live.

  14. marie

    Oh, I’ll sure miss your posts..
    I was going to suggest writing about non-Sherlock things, but I don’t think it’s going to be possible to NOT write about such a big part of your life..
    I think we all understand and are 100% behind your decision..
    Keep in touch..

  15. la whisky

    I’d give my eyeteeth to be crazy about someone. Its so much better than the perpetual blah dates I’ve suffered through for the past year.

    I think it is possible to be in a relationship and be able to blog about it, but I think that sort of situation requires a little time and understanding to work. I foresee a forum in which both you and Sherlock recount certain situations and have completely different yet hilarious perspectives, and, you both get something out of it.

    Was journaling a better outlet than blogging? Maybe you just need a different and more private outlet. Maybe a break from blogging would be a good thing. But keep writing – at least for yourself and posterity.

  16. KM


    Since the group still left reading is a collection of friends, bloggers and internet acquaintances rather than strangers, I’m sure you know that everyone just wants the best for you. If that means closing the blog, go ahead and do it.

    Is the blog really the problem, though? Or is it that you’re opening yourself up to criticism from people that care about you? I mean, some of the stuff that you write on here is stuff that you may tell your friends anyway. Now that the totally public aspect of the blog has been removed, will some of the problems disappear? Maybe La Whisky is right and journaling may be a better option than blogging for the moment, but we’ll all miss you.

  17. Dan

    You always win the game you’re actually playing. Me, I totally losing the game of losing weight and getting thin, but I’m winning the game of watching tv and playing video games – which in all truth is the game I’m actually playing.

    You? Based on what you’ve achieved, I’d say you were playing the game of finding love via your blog, and perhaps it took the blog, and the drama it engendered, to make the relationship with Sherlock just fucked up enough for it to be valid for you. Cause easy, normal relationships don’t work for Velvet, I suspect.

    You wanted a fuck buddy, and you got that. 20 minutes and he gets up to leave. You also, in the grander scheme of things I assert want a man who can man-up to you, and as much as I’m not a fan of Sherlock so much, he’s clearly got the sack to be your fellow and wrangle the untameable, unconquerable Velvet.

    You won. Declare victory, take your man and go home.

    Or if you didn’t win yet, if the game aint over, then easy with the “I’m so in love with you” business. That can’t be healthy. 🙂

    I love being able to come here and pontificate on your life. Cause, you know, I’m 36 and wicked single and so clearly know everything about everything.

  18. Siryn

    As to your therapist and the blog only, I am curious to know why she thinks it’s destructive. I see the blog as the one place you can count on receiving approval (by and large) no matter what you do. Is that destructive? It can be, but not necessarily, and most definitely not all the time. But airing your thoughts out here instead of dealing with a significant other has been a constant source of problems. I think you need an outlet, and if it wasn’t online it would be in person or over the phone. I don’t see what difference the medium makes, especially now that the blog is password protected. It is not really as if you are vetting all your decisions here – we are always catching up. But it may influence you later on, so… who knows, maybe it is destructive.

    Of course, you owe us nothing, but we have come to love and care for you because we can see and feel your heart. No matter what we have expressed among ourselves, we only want what is best for you. We want you to have real happiness and a healthy life. Knowing that should serve as some encouragement.

  19. playfulinnc

    Ok, V, now you have a lot on your plate! Give yourself space and time to deal with it all. D.C. livin’ runs at break neck speed, and you know when it is time to slow down and recharge (with the man, work, etc).

    Therapy is good. Things with man can be good.
    Blog can be good, too, but you have to set the perameters, and yes, I agree that you can feel free to blog about other things any time. It’s your world, lady, so write what you want. Saddle up, and wear the the boots with spurs, cause your readers may buck at the change, but you can do it.

    I need an editor. (So called a new therapist today, so wish me luck with it!)

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