Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Wonder If You Know, How It Really Feels, To Be Left Outside Alone

Eighteen missed calls. Let me say it again. Eighteen missed calls. I went to the gym and left my phone at home. When I returned home after two hours, there were EIGHTEEN MISSED CALLS on my FUCKING phone! You know who it was, don’t pretend you don’t!

I called back, got voicemail and said, “Are you on fire? Because this is excessive.” He called back when I was blasting the new shit I just downloaded (club music, not country this time) and I didn’t hear when he called back SEVEN MORE TIMES. Who does this?? I was dialing in to check the voicemail he left, and he called again. I clicked over and said, “Funny how you painted me to be crazy to those two chicks you nailed, and you’re acting again like a complete psycho.” We proceeded to have a conversation in which he ended up hanging up on me (again.)

In the 25 minutes we spent on the phone, he said that yesterday (Monday) was the first day we haven’t spoken since we started dating. I said, “Yeah, it was fucking Monday! You know I just got ridiculously busy at work and I had a lot of shit to do.” He said that if I wanted to call him, I would have, but I chose not to. Okay, point taken. But I said, “I don’t like having to check in.” Then he accused me of pushing him away. Moi? I would never do such a thing. (Cough. I just choked on something. Was that sarcasm??) Most of the conversation was him yelling at me, telling me I’m manipulating him (interesting coming from him) and me not caring – which he called me out on. My retorts to his rundown of the last 48 hours of our “non-speaking” included gems such as, “I told you I’m not a good girlfriend” and “I hate having to answer to someone.” I should copyright that shit.

The truth is, and I did say this – sometimes I just like to disappear into my own little world. It’s not normal, but it’s what I do. Look what I did with this blog – I ripped it away from so many people and only let a fraction back in. When I feel too exposed, in any capacity, I shut down and back off. I can’t explain it, it’s just something I’ve always done. When I was in high school, I used to go up to my room, shut the door and turn off the lights and listen to music for hours. In college, I’d stay in on a weekend, when I knew everyone would be out, just so I could have the place to myself.

Trust me, I need more alone time than the average person. My latest “alone time” wave started last week. I warned him long before the weekend that I wanted to do a lot of stuff around the house and wasn’t going to want to go out. (Mail piling up, clothes need to be weeded through and donated, etc.) Friday, he was nagging me to come over and I really didn’t want to. He came over, and distracted me from the cleaning I wanted to complete. Then Saturday I saw the U Street Girlfriend in Washingtonian and it put me in a shitty place emotionally. I then forced myself to go over to Sherlock’s so I didn’t have to hear the nagging. By Sunday he pissed me off with his inability to get my sense of humor. When we had sex on Sunday it was so…boring. I knew if we didn’t have sex he would really think something was wrong. So I prance into the bedroom and we have the boring sex and I’m like, “Okay, gotta go. It’s late.” He said, “No, it’s an hour earlier, I haven’t changed the clocks.” I was like, “OH GOOD! I have shit to do at home!” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He even said it was like I was running out. I was. I didn’t want to be there anymore.

By the way, we haven’t kissed since, um, before this latest blow up. I know, how are we managing to have sex for the last week and a half without kissing? It can be done my friends, let me tell you. I’m shocked that I’ve been able to pull it off. I just don’t feel like kissing him. Every time he tries, I move away. Fucked up, I know. All this latest saga with the Travel Girl shit and her subsequent email and him following me to Citron and hiding at the bar, it did a lot of damage. A lot. I think the kissing thing is too personal. Make your jokes, I’ll fuck him but not kiss him. Yeah. So? I don’t want to hold his hand or sleep over either, so there!

When I lived with AtlantaBoy, he and I had a fight, similar to what Sherlock and I just had, where AtlantaBoy said, “I wish you knew how it felt when I get shut out.” And I said, “I wish you knew what it was like to live with black clouds EVERY DAY. You can see them coming but you can’t stop them. And all you want is to be alone.” Anyone who forces their way into my path when I’m like this will be destroyed. I may live to regret it, but I’ll still destroy it in the interim.

So Sherlock ended the conversation by saying, “I’m not giving up on you. I hate being shut out, but I’m not giving up.” Then he hung up on me.

See, the irony here is not that he’s been shut out of my world. It’s that I’ve shut myself out of his. Really, I’m the one on the outside looking in, he just doesn’t know it.


  1. freckledk

    I’m surprised that, with as much as he’s read your blog, Sherlock wouldn’t know this behavior is the fastest way to push you away. No shit, Sherlock. You are not living up to your nickname.

  2. Dan

    Velvet, I’ve not been a fan of Sherlock, so I don’t think it’ll surprise you to hear that I think this isn’t a great idea for you.

    Sherlock is like pizza – he’s the tastiest and greatest meal you can possibly have, but he’s not healthy, and eventually if you overindulge you won’t be able to poop and that’s no good for anybody.

  3. AussieEm

    See, this is where I go back to what (I think) I said in an earlier comment (which I cant double check as its since been yanked). To me Sherlock does not equal no strings-attached sex. Hes stringier than a harpsichord. You are obviously fine with the situation (I’m resisting the urge to write something about Pretty Woman here!) but Sherlock seems to create major drama.

    I get exhausted reading about it, so heaven only knows how you feel having to live through it.

    Its a balancing act. If the good outweighs the bad, then I say its time to bail. But youre the only one who can see exactly which way the scales are tipped. In true lurker style, I’m just on the outside looking in. 😉

  4. Not So Little Woman

    I know this is a serious post, but I couldn’t help but notice that you had a “conservation”, instead of a “conversation”?? OK, I know, not funny maybe, but interesting how the brain works slower than the hands type sometimes??

    In other matters… Velv darling, just do what is best for you. Shut him out, let him in, whatever. Just do what is best for you.

  5. playfulinnc

    Sometimes I wonder if you’re trying to prove to yourself that your perfect match is not in D.C.

    Seriously…sometimes we set ourselves up to prove something so that we feel vindicated enough to *gasp* change location.

    I’ll be out of town for most of the Thanksgiving holidays if you need a quiet place where the doggies can see more grass than buildings and crazy ppl on bikes.

  6. KassyK

    Oh man are we are the same wavelength–I just posted last night about alone time. I think he is a ball of drama and I think that you are able to be ok with the situation…but he isn’t. That is where the problem is ultimately. He will never accept the situation for what it is…I hope he does and I hope it works out–Drama is the worst feeling in a relationship.

    Why can’t it just be easy. Sorry sugar.

  7. la whisky

    The older I get the more alone time I need. This is why I am growing increasingly undateable/unmarriageable. Anyway. He must be used to being joined at the hip – typical of co-dependant types of relationships.

    Similar to the sense of humor thing, there may be some adjustment period.

  8. Chico's Bail Bonds

    My penis is angry with Sherlock for continuing to fuck up the no strings attached sex situation that has been offered to him no less than three (3) times now.

    We are withdrawing our (previously fervent) support and urge Velvet to vote vibrator for her sexual needs until someone a little more mature comes along.

  9. Kathryn

    I keep reading, and I keep cringing. Hope this is resolved sooner than later…

  10. marie

    I know *exacly* what you mean about needing ‘alone time’.. sometimes I try to explain it to friends but they don’t get it.. they’re like “uhhhh.. but, why?”.. and don’t even get me started on trying to make *the* guy understand.. **sigh**

    I found it kinda cute that he told you “I’m not giving up on you” but there’s nothing cute about his calling non-stop.. he needs to back off a little bit or he’s going to drive you away..

  11. Tacoma!

    Dude, cell phones have made everyone too available. Voice mail is also the devil.
    In the past you could take the phone off the hook and people would leave you alone.
    Luddites rule. I think people have to fight more to be alone because there are fewer places we can retreat.

    More seriously. You’re still getting a charge out of the stuff he does, a bad charge but still a charge and it makes shit dramatic instead of just irritating. When it starts getting boring you’ll be free to go.

  12. upstairs neighbor

    allow me to add my expertise in too many inappropriate phone calls…

    now was it 18 calls in succession or spaced out evenly over the course of two hours? not to freak you out or anything but 120 minutes divided by 18 calls equals one call every 6.66 minutes. seriously do the math.

    you deserve better, i’ve said it before…

  13. Velvet

    Upstairs Neighbor – The calls were in bouts. 7 or 8 calls around 5:15, then 7 or 8 more at 6:30, then a bunch more at 7:30.

    Tacoma – Seriously, despite the love I feel, I do want out of this. It’s been a mess from the start. All of that should have stopped me, but it didn’t because I’m waiting for exactly what you just described: the boredom to set in. If I jet out anytime before the boredom, I’ll always wonder “what if” I just tried a little harder. It’s destructive to pursue this the way I have, but trust me, it’s better.

    Marie – I consider myself driven. I didn’t even think about him today, except for when I was in a meeting and my phone went off three times in a row. But it wasn’t him. It was someone not understanding that my phone doesn’t ring, it plays a song while the ring is occurring. Verizon ringback baby!

    Kathryn – Me too.

    Chico’s Bail Bonds – Wow. You were one of the last ones on his side. Um, playing devil’s advocate against myself here for a minute, I did tell him I loved him last week.

    La Whisky – He definitely is a commitment-junkie. He’s gone from LTR to LTR over and over. I’m just a chess piece in this game. One that he’s a bit psycho over, but nonetheless, part of a game.

    KK – Semi Clones!

    Playful – I’m not doing it on purpose, though I would love to move. I can’t now, I have added job security and don’t have to worry about money anymore. I’m afraid if I move that all that would change.

    NSLW – I’ll change it! Damn critics!

    Aussie Em – I yanked the older stuff because one other psychotic is on the prowl for the password, and it’s better this way.

    Dan – I know. I need to just bite the bullet and be rid of him.

    FreckledK – Who knows with him – he could have read the whole thing and interpreted something totally different. Back during one of his stalking phases I wrote a whole post about “TheCop” and for some reason, Sherlock thought it was about him. I was like, “what??? Where did you get that from?”

  14. AussieEm

    hehe I wasnt complaining about the posts being yanked, I was just excusing myself in advance in case I started repeating myself. I have a memory like a two-day-old tadpole so it happens a lot.

    …one other psychotic is on the prowl for the password

    Um, is it just me, or does *everyone* in DC seem to be psychotic? (Excluding your fine self of course!) Your blog has made me cross off DC from my places to visit list. Too many fruit loops! 😛

  15. ashburnite

    hey, is the U Street Girlfriend the one in the red dress?? If so, what’s up with that stupid look on her face?

    And all the phone calls? yeah, that’s pretty excessive. Even when I was at my most insane (with Mark), I can’t say I ever called him that many times. Eek.

  16. Velvet

    Aussie Em – Don’t worry about that. I often repeat myself and even if you do say something to me 114 times, hopefully one of those times it will sink in.

    Ash – Page 81. Brown dress.

  17. playfulinnc

    I was speaking out of my own history, and my time in St. Louis to be exact.

    Looking back now, I wanted to leave. I orchestrated the entire “break up” of the job, etc, so that I could leave.

    You’re smart. I’ll watch.

  18. bejeweled

    “The older I get the more alone time I need. This is why I am growing increasingly undateable/unmarriageable…” Amen La Whiskey!!! Alone time is a big deal. When pushed, I too shut down. Are you a taurus?

  19. la whisky

    Playfulindc is from St. Louis? I grew up in Chesterfield… Go Cards and stuff, but I so don’t want to live there.

    Was Bejeweled asking for just Velvet’s sign, or all of our signs? For your convenience, I’m a Libra – turned 36 on the 6th. According to the zodiac, I seek balance and moderation in all things. That must be true for at least 65% of the world’s population. Also, I’m supposed to be diplomatic (decreasingly so) and a sucker for sensual pleasures (totally). Also true for approx 75% of the world’s population.

  20. Ashburnite

    I posted something special…just for you!

  21. circumlocutor

    25 calls in such a short period. Ugh. Annoying. The art of possession and the frustration of not possessing. I had this voicemail problem with an ex once. Then I had a dream that he’d infected me with AIDS, and I tried to break off the relationship fast. He went crazy and started screaming “Why won’t you love me” in public. The Turk (the current one, at least) was obsessed with owning me. Dreamed of making his head portable… told me he wanted to put his head on my lap to watch me at all times. Creepy. Now, over time, I think I became accustomed to the facade of possession. When he began to lose interest and not be so possessive, I felt denied. The thing is that he was never interested in possessing me, but whatever mistaken image he once had of me.

    Somewhat related… I’m sure you’ve read “The Story of O.” If not, read it. Possession can give power to the possessed. Without you… without possessing Velvet, Sherlock has nothing.

    You control every situation, whether you realize it or not.

  22. AussieEm

    Jeepers, took me a while to actually track down the blog in question you were referring to in your latest post Ashburnite, but once I found it… I was amazed. What a brilliant blog. Wow.

    And as for your post? Brilliant! Best post ever! I dont understand why youre calling it a parody though. Isnt it more like inspired writing? Youre obviously embracing the writing style of one of the better blog writers out there. Which is fine. I think everyone should take a leaf out of her book.

    Its obviously worked wonderfully for you. Your post was so insightful, so informative. Bravo! We need more posts like this!

    The only thing I thought it lacked was a detailed description of what the Korres Natural Products look like, or maybe a photo of the bottles themselves. Yeah, a photo of the conditioner you bought would just round that post off nicely. 🙂

  23. AussieEm

    Ooh, a just-in-case-nobody-gets-that-I-was-being-sarcastic disclaimer:

    I was being sarcastic. 🙂

  24. Velvet

    Aussie Em – you are SO on a plane here. That was awesome. Ash should share the “photoshop pics” she did of our Travel Girl. Oh boy.

    Circ – I’ve read the story of O. That’s some scary shit.

  25. circumlocutor

    Let me know if you need some photoshop help. I’ve got skills you don’t even know about!

  26. la whisky

    What was travelgirl thinking when she bought that black and white patterned sleeveless top? Awful! Girlfriend needs to lay off the designer handbags and save up for some rhinoplasty too.

    I also have two of the same bag, but they’re blatant knockoffs of a Kate Spade that I bought off the street for $30. One is brown and the other is black. The black one zips shut, but the zipper is completely unnecessary since I cram it too full of crap to close. They both tend to fall over unless I lean them up against a wall. Also, pretty sure they aren’t real leather, but, damn, do I get compliments.

  27. barbara

    This is not sounding so promising. But I think you are being honest with yourself and with Sherlock. That’s a good thing. You can’t be someone you’re not, at least not for very long, without going crazy. And you can’t make him be someone he isn’t either. It sounds like he might be ready to settle down to kids and suburbia, but you definitely are not ready for that kind of life. At least not with him.

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