Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Take It Easy On Me, It Should Be Easy to See I’m Getting Lost in the Crowd

Well, it’s Tuesday night here at Velvet in Dupont and we’re moving right along in “The Year of First Dates.” As I told the Queen of Quantity tonight at the gym, “If he gets a second date, it means someone else doesn’t get a first.”

I went out with the next victim tonight. My first clue something was amiss was the fact that he called last night to firm up plans and left a voicemail. Then he called again within the hour to leave almost exactly the same message over again, with painstaking details about when I could call him and on which phone numbers, until my voicemail cut him off. I wasn’t ignoring him, I left my phone on the charger while taking the doggies for a long walk. When I got home I saw his two missed calls, and he also had sent an email. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense, something about if you see the email first then check the phone, anyway. I got the feeling he’s been stood up a lot, or had a lot of dating foul-ups because he was really on my ass to set up this date. Poor guy.

I spent today driving around Pennsylvania for work and learned why everyone I saw there is so obese. They actually had an 800 lb. butter sculpture in both the shapes of Ben Franklin and the Liberty Bell on display tonight at some fair. In a text exchange with Sixes and Sevens where I relayed this breaking news, she told me to stay and take a picture.

Velvet: I would, but unfortunately I have a date with another stalker-in-training tonight.
Sixes & Sevens: If he follows you home, come to my house instead.
Velvet: Historically I never find out that they are stalkers until it is too late.

So I met the date at Union Station and we journeyed into a restaurant and ate dinner at the bar. Other than our love of the Simpsons, we didn’t have a lot in common. We had a positively riveting conversation about how softshell crabs get soft – are they soft in the ocean or are they somehow treated to become soft. It was my job to google that. He’s another “D.C.” guy – can’t tell me anything about his work because it’s highly classified, and what he did tell me (which I forgot) was allegedly “too much” anyway. Okay. I shall take his word on it.

Anyway, he’s named UncomfortableLaugh3 because, you guessed it, at the end of every sentence he tosses in the uncomfortable laugh as his punctuation, heh heh heh. Even in sentences that are not funny, heh heh heh. They got the laugh, heh heh heh. Nice guy but not my type, heh heh heh. And I just checked my email and he’s sent something about the softshell crabs and asking me out for Saturday heh heh heh. But, the rule applies: If I give him a second date, that’s one less person who gets a first date heh heh heh. Oh, I never know what to say in these uncomfortable situations, heh heh heh. I could delay him for a while, or I could be direct and just say I had a nice time, but I don’t think we’re a match, heh heh heh.

While you’re mulling that over, and preparing to advise me what to do, let’s continue in the vein of uncomfortable emails. However, this time it is an email of the variety I don’t care to answer. HandUpTheBack2, if you recall, had texted as I left the bar Saturday night saying something about “And now?” I didn’t answer, because I was grossed out and I ended up on the phone with Sherlock. HandUpTheBack2 texted again in the morning about did he get a second chance. I didn’t respond to that either. Then he sent an email saying that he guessed we weren’t “on” for that night, and it was too bad because it could have been a lot of fun. I wrote back and said, “I think I would feel differently if you weren’t so affectionate with your hands last night. Good luck to you.” He responded again that he wanted another chance, but I filed him away and grayed out his line on my spreadsheet and moved him to the “DATED” section. Yes. I really have a spreadsheet. It’s a fruitful dating season. I have to do my best in the game, and coming prepared with the stats on the players helps, especially when I have three fucking men with the same fucking name. Fuck!

The Sherlock update is that he texted me on Sunday afternoon when I was napping, and then called and texted again a few hours later. I called him back when I woke up and he said he was in a bar and could he call me back. What I said was, “Sure.” But what I thought was, “Fuck that, you tried to get in touch with me three times, and me calling you is like a commodity these days since I barely do it, and you want to call me back?” So we hung up and I sort of knew this would happen – he walked right outside and called me back. I wondered if he was on a date, or just trying to make me think he was. In any case, he had a question about computers that I answered and we chatted briefly. He said he called earlier because he was hoping he could see me, that he missed me. That’s twice now, because as I went down for my nappy time I thought, “It sure would be nice to have Sherlock here now.” Then I slapped myself several times and punched myself in the face for even thinking it.

I texted Sherlock later that night and said (vaguely) that there was a Motorcycle Show at the convention center this weekend and maybe we could try going to that and see how it goes. He responded and said he would love it. Then I hopped in the shower and by the time I got out I had two texts and an email that he had found the info online and purchased tickets. That is so Sherlock. I’m sure he was thinking, “If I FIND the event online and actually BUY the tickets, she can’t back out.” Not like I can’t give him his $13 back, but still.

Date #4 of the Year of First Dates happens tomorrow night.


  1. E :)

    I’m already loving your year of first dates. I’ve thought of trying online dating in an attempt to break my dating drought, but the guys you are meeting this way at the moment don’t give me great hope that online dating would be an entirely pleasant experience…

  2. Meghan

    His name’s David, isn’t it. Or Jeff. Or James. I’ve dated at least THREE of each of them.

    Can’t people get a LITTLE more inventive with names? I mean, seriously.

  3. washingtoncube

    heh, heh, heh.

  4. Rachelle

    Wow, a spreadsheet – that’s amazing. I’ve been thinking about giving online dating a go, but you make it sound a little intimidating.

    Question – I’ve got a bit of a Sherlock situation going on with an ex myself… do you think that keeping him in your life might possibly prevent you from giving other guys a full chance? I’m trying to figure this out for myself and can’t seem to come to a conclusion…

  5. AussieEm

    hahaha That’s so funny… When I started online dating I used a spreadsheet too! Serious. It had a very complex colour coding system, not to mention the number of categories, columns and titles for each entry!

    Not that I need to use it anymore though. *Insert sappy romantic music here* lol

    E :), can I suggest It’s run by the SMH and isn’t too bad. You get your usual kooks and desperados but they’re fairly easy to avoid and there are actually some half decent lads on there. “Normal-ish” even! Whatever “normal” is. 😉

  6. AussieEm

    Oops, that’s “”
    I forgot the small, but important, “au” on the end.

  7. CrazyGirl

    Yes, I suggest the brush off email. Best way to go. This way he isn’t ‘left wondering when she’ll call or write back’. We all know that feeling and it blows!

    I think you should go on a date with me as I am having entirely too much fun solo with the present you gave me. Haha.

  8. Drunken Chud

    to have half of your opposite sex problems, i would give both of my nuts for heh heh heh. no really heh heh heh. heh heh heh i’m so sad i measure the length of time since i’ve last been laid in years heh heh heh.

  9. I-66

    I was getting ready to ask if you really have a spreadsheet but you answered that. I’m a little curious as to the contents of the spreadsheet, as in what columns you have on there. It’s gotta be more than just a name and some contact info yesno?

    And don’t think I’m not inquiring further about CG’s “I think you should go on a date with me as I am having entirely too much fun solo with the present you gave me.” sentence. C’mon. Dish.

  10. Frankly, Scarlett

    You’re a braver woman than I – i abhor first dates. They’re just job interviews with cocktails. Ugh.

  11. OC

    As someone who has an unhealthy obession with Excel I can thoroughly appreciate your spreadsheet idea. I only wish I had thought of it myself when I was doing the internet dating thing. Nice job and I’m looking forward to all the upcoming first dates.

  12. carrie m

    i love that you have a spreadsheet – this would be helpful for friends who claim they can’t keep track of my dates when i’m doing the online thing. look at the spreadsheet, kids!!

    i am also impressed that it’s the 10th of the month and you’re up to date number 4. leg up!

  13. DCVita

    I hate first dates. They are not fun, and usually one person is trying way too hard. I find my body shaking in anticipation to end the night. They are such a pain in my ass! Obviously I have not met the right guy yet.

  14. Arjewtino

    Sounds to me like people are clamoring for your spreadsheet, Velvet. Roosh recently provided the world with a better way to handle personal finances; I think you should provide the world with a better way to handle first dates.

  15. Velvet

    E – Keep in mind I’m going out with mostly everyone. There is no weeding out going on here at all. But Aussie Em just gave you the rec on a good site!

    Meghan – No, it’s none of those. But I guarantee if you kept guessing you would get it. It’s a common name.

    Cube – I think I still hear it in my brain. Aah!

    Rachelle – That’s a tough call. I just follow my heart. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just made some mistakes that put me over the edge. I think every situation is truly different, and I think it is just about what matters to you. If the guy beat you up, and you are still keeping him around, that’s much more extreme than just some minor issues between a couple that can be repaired with time. I don’t know where this thing is going with Sherlock if anywhere. Right now I can’t even think that far ahead. It makes me anxious to try to figure out what is going to happen. I’m just trying to be friends with him.

    Aussie Em – You’re back! You’re back! My spreadsheet isn’t color coded and fancy like yours. I need to see a copy of that. And look, it worked for you!

    CrazyGirl – Okay, thanks for that, I will send him an email. And having fun solo, oh boy.

    Chud – You’re the best!

    I66 – The columns include the email address, their real name, age, height, where they live, where they are from, what we’ve talked about and any odd clues I need to recall about them for when we meet, so I don’t get them confused. Then I gray out the line once they’ve been dated, and move them up to the top so I can focus on the next victims.

    Frankly, Scarlett – Yes, they are. But, what makes it worse is when you meet and you know within 5 minutes if this is someone you could spend more time with and that answer is no, and you still have to go on with the date.

    OC – I would be lost without my spreadsheet. I can’t go into these dates blindly. In some cases, I’m the only girl these guys are emailing with, so they remember the entire conversation and I’m forgetting pieces of it.

    Carrie M – I’m not fucking around this year. Though I’ll probably run out of steam by the end of the month!

    DC Vita – I know, I wish there was a way to go directly to a second date. But the only way to meet someone is to keep doing them.

    Arjewtino – But the spreadsheet is so basic! I bet Aussie Em’s is better than mine.

  16. I-66

    Way to conveniently not mention part 2 of my comment. It’s fine.

  17. mysterygirl!

    I just sit back in awe. I have so much to learn from you.

    (And to echo everyone else, I love the spreadsheet idea. It makes logical sense, but it’s also a good metaphor, because dating can be so transactional.)

  18. Velvet

    I 66 – Calling me out. Shame!

    MysteryGirl! – But I don’t know anything! I swear! I’m so bad at dating!!

    For the record, I did send the “I’m busy” blowoff email as per Crazy Girl’s suggestion. I feel bad, but, again, a 2nd date means no 1st for some other chap.

  19. LMNt

    Wow… I hope you find one worth a second date. This has gotta be a pain in the ass for you.

    Strangely enough, I have a post about your “2nd date means no 1st for someone else” thing brewing.

  20. Wicked H

    I see, thanks for the no weeding out tip. Obviously I need to go out and purchase more ingredients for my libations. I have conjured up a new game, every time you go out on a new date I find a new concoction to drink. If there is a second drink, I’ll switch to shots and so on. When the name becomes grey, 2 shots.

    I’ll need a copy of the spread sheet and also a sponsor for AA.

    Hugs and kisses

  21. Elizabeth

    There are so many DC guys that use the “it’s highly classified” line…or is it me?.. Anyway, my ball to the chain really is highly classifed at one of them there agencies..I didn’t believe him when he told me that he too was HC, so I laughed at him and he gave me his card..(It ws a while before I saw the badge but we took it slooow)..he’s for reals, but the way that we met I’d a never believed!But I can’t tell you about that, it’s highly classified. Love the spreadsheet!

  22. Marci

    So, a spreadsheet heh heh heh.

  23. Velvet

    LMNt – It’s a pain in the ass from the standpoint that I’m sacrificing some gym time for these dates. And the goal of the non-stop dating is to meet as many people as possible. It’s all about the numbers. The more people you know, the less you have to know, and you can make an adequate decision on say, whether Washington D.C. is the place you will continue to live in 2008. Cough.

    Wicked H – I have emailed you the spreadsheet. Their email addies are on there, you are hereby forbidden to email anyone who is not grayed out! I get them first! HA!

    Elizabeth – I’ve not heard that line until recently. Seriously.

    Marci – Shut up, heh heh heh.

  24. Wicked H

    They are all yours sweetie, I just need to know how much liquor to buy.

    Although if you need me to run interference at any time, you know how to reach me.

  25. LMNt

    Velvet, if you’re just trying to meet as many people as possible, why not go out and make friends? I can meet one new person on a date or 30 new people in a bar in a night. If you don’t want to meet someone to date, all you’re really doing is getting these guys’ hopes up and knocking them down. I just don’t see the point.

  26. Laura

    I had my first-date phase — not as hilarious as yours, unfortunately. But all it takes is one guy to make all the he-he-hes worth it. … Mad knucks on the spreadsheet approach. Is there an overall handicap or good-kisser rating? Essential.

  27. Luck O' the Irish

    So, how are the dogs? Heh heh heh?

    Happy Dating!

  28. Velvet

    Wicked H – Buy lots. Well, I may run out of steam soon.

    LMNt – No, you miss my point. Meet as many people as possible in the hopes of finding someone to keep going with. The 1st date / 2nd date thing is really just tongue in cheek.

    Laura – The date last night was only an hour too! Painful!

    Luck – The dogs, heh heh heh are good, thanks for asking, heh heh heh!

  29. The Captain

    You know, the “heh heh heh heh” thing kind of reminds me of the Beavis and Butthead cartoon. Didn’t they laugh nervously after every sentence? Was it like that?

  30. LMNt

    We’re gonna have a big laugh if I accidentally answer one of your CL ads some day…

    …after I stop crying over my shattered ego from reading the recap, that is. 😉

  31. Elizabeth

    I used to hear that a lot when I was out there dating..every other guy was “HC”.. I got into a funky pattern…my fault for meeting the same type guys from the same type places…this is why I agree with your meeting as many as you can giving dating in DC your bestest shot. I’ve always been a believer in the idea that if something means enough to us we can’t write it off as no good or not working if we haven’t given it a thorough shot. If I had had half your hutzpuh a couple of years ago I’d have done the same thing..

  32. carrie m

    just when i swore off the online dating sites for awhile…reading all this stuff makes me nostalgic…

  33. Tacoma

    Is it proper to bring a date to a motorcycle show? It seems more like a place to check out the selection.

  34. Velvet

    Captain – Was it nervous laughter or was it geeky laughter? Hey are you writing again? I gots to link ya.

    LMNt – Uh, these aren’t from CL, but we should probably talk offline…

    Carrie M – Nostalgic? Ugh! No no no! Keep sworn off, keep sworn off!

    Tacoma – It’s not a date if it is with Sherlock. It’s SHERLOCK. We’re beyond dates.

  35. suicide_blond

    sooo.. if you run out of good “date ideas” for the weekend.. i heard the MONSTER TRUCKS are gonna be at Verizon center Fri AND Sat!!! this town is such a riot! If i was in town this weekend we could have had a contest to see who could find a date with the biggest mullet. ..loser buys the drinks of course…oh well!! next time…
    good luck!!… bring on the next victim!!

  36. la whisky

    I don’t need the spreadsheet, but perhaps the template? And I’ve love to see Aussie EM’s template too. I figure I’ll go back to dating at some point. In the meantime, I’m so appreciating the “me time”.

  37. Not So Little Woman

    What is up with the ex-boyfriends “calling because I miss you?” line?????!!! It’s torture to hear that, it’s what it is (at least for me). Best of luck with that motorcycle show and with the many first dates. If I eventually decide to go back to online dating I’ll need a copy of that!

  38. Not So Little Woman

    I always end up commenting back to back.. I forget half of the stuff I want to say the first time!

    Point being, thanks for the heh, heh, heh, lines. I know what you mean and I needed that laugh after such a long day of work!

  39. The Captain

    Geeky laughter, and I don’t mind admitting I was addicted to the show either. My parents hating it probably had a lot to do with that.

    Yes, I’m writing again, although I can’t promise daily musings. But I’m throwing my hat in the ring one more time.

  40. Elizabeth

    I almost’s been fun working from home mostly these past few months and getting to pop in here and have fun. I am leaving for Fla tomorrow and when I return next week I will be busy moving..the Man and I bought a place in the burbs..I hope I have a lot of catching up to do when I return.

  41. homeimprovementninja

    I’ve been dating again too now. Does this mean that somewhere there could be a girl who gave me an unflatterring nickname and is mocking me on her blog too?

    If so, someone forward me the post so that I can defend myself.

  42. Tacoma

    I know, but shouldn’t you NOT be bringing ANY guy to a place where motorcycle loving possibly single men are? Even if you are NOT on a date you’ll still have the “I’ve slept with this person vibe” and you’ll be compairing every man you walk by to him…

  43. AussieEm

    La Whisky,
    I’ve emailed Miss Velv a copy of my template, so if you’re super keen, ask her nicely to fwd it on. 🙂

    As I said in my email to Velvet, I think our spreadsheets are slightly different though. Mine was more focussed on keeping track of how many kisses/emails I’d received and what my response would be. Velvet’s sounds more focussed on keeping track of people once you’ve actually got to the dating stage. I only met up with 3 people, and as one of them was Geoff (the new man – awww) the ‘Dates’ worksheet isn’t very elaborate, and the whole spreadsheet got abandoned pretty quickly.

    Combine the two spreadsheets and you may just have the perfect system!

  44. Velvet


    La Whisky – I’ve got the goods, both spreadsheets ready for your perusing and using. But damn Aussie Em deleted all the guys emails, WTF Aussie Em? I’m not going to email someone down under!

    NSLW – I will forward a copy of said spreadsheet if you need it. I should soup it up though, it’s kind of boring.

    The Captain – You missed the chance to chronicle the best story though – your bride getting into a car wreck on the wedding day. (She is okay people, don’t jump on my back!)

    Elizabeth – Well, when you are vacationing and moving in with your man, think of the rest of us! Think of the rest of us!!

    Ninja – Uh, maybe it just means you and I are supposed to be together.

    Tacoma! – God. Damned. It. I didn’t think of that. MOTHERFUCKINGCOCKSUCKINGSONOF A BITCH!

    Aussie Em – As I said to La Whisky, THANKS for deleting the guys emails, I swear I wouldn’t have done anything with it! You untrusting little Aussie.

  45. AussieEm

    hehehe I didn’t just delete the emails, I deleted usernames and photo passwords too. 😛 But it’s not bexause I don’t trust you, it’s more that if one of the guys had his own spreadsheet (although, really, are guys as OCD about these things as us girls?) and he sent access to my email/profile/photo to all his mates and people all over the world I would
    be mortified. How embarassment! 🙂

    It’s all about the karma baby!

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