I’ve been in Dallas for Patsy’s Bachelorette Extravaganza. You all know how I love me some cowboys and country music, so I was more than happy to jaunt my ass down for my dose of country. I followed shortly after one Sixes and Sevens, who blew out of town earlier to get a jump start on the party. Needless to say, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she made it through security. A. Huge. Sigh.
I noticed immediately upon entering the state, that a major mystery of the world has now been solved. In case you live on the east or west coast, and you were curious where the scrunchies had gone, I can tell you. They are in Texas. You can find them on wrists, in hair, on the ground. There are more scrunchies in Dallas than there are rats in D.C.
We decided to hit up a bar named Austin Avenue in Plano for some drinking and people watching. Wow. That’s all I’ve got. Wow. I’m stunned, not for the Kiss cover band, and not for the high hair, but perhaps for the amputees and fake boobs I saw. Sixes and Sevens and Patsy also managed to score a round from some old men sitting in the corner.
Everything is bigger in Texas you know. This is a “medium” sized beer.
Before we moved out of the area where the band was playing, heading to shoot some pool, we were able to watch some serious foreplay in action.
“Mmm, that was a yummy burrito you ate for lunch today!”
We also made it to the world famous Forth Worth Stockyards. This is where one Billy Bob’s is located.
We bought some really cheap drinks and watched the bullriding.
We got sprayed with dirt. I was smart enough to be covering my beer, and also wearing a cowboy hat. Yes, a cowboy hat. More on that in a second. Randy Travis was playing so the place was packed.
The highlight of the evening was undoubtedly standing right in front of this:
Patsy and I snapped tons of pictures for them and have emailed them off to this girl who we don’t know and will never see again. She told Patsy she wished she could thank us for being at the right place at the right time and sending her pictures. It was the least we could do, considering we started shrieking like morons and drew all the attention away from Randy singing “Forever and ever Amen” to ourselves. Fucking typical.
Sixes and Sevens was at the bar closing our tab and I walked up there to grab one more drink. When I got up there the bartender said to me, “What about you, are you from here?” I said, “Nope.” He said, “That’s too bad, if the both of you lived around here I’d do it with both of you.” Then he walked down to the other end of the bar.
I asked Sixes and Sevens, “Did he just say what I think he said?” She said she thought so. I didn’t think cowboys were so forward. Though, I guess we were looking pretty hot among the geriatric Randy Travis fan club, more amputees (WTF is with Texas and amputees?) and scrunchies. Here we are, Sixes and Sevens and Velvet, taking on Billy Bob’s.
We’re hot. Who wouldn’t want to have a threesome with us?
Can I be first in line?
GOD DAMN I am hot! And look Giggles it’s the shirt the HOMELESS MAN gave me. And look at my new hat. Needless to say Sissy and I rocked their world! (Pam, you forgot to tell about Patrick!)
i think it has to do with the farm accidents??
not your hotness… the amputees..
and ..
for the record..
interfering with “forever and ever amen” is totally a “jailable” offense…
soo glad i didn’t have to come bail y’all out of a texas jail..
xoxo
sb
I 66 – Okay! If you do it right, perhaps we’ll stop the line right after you.
Sixes and Sevens – I didn’t mention Patrick, the obvious pothead in Austin Avenue, because how much drugs did we want to mention in one post? And I’m Pam people because in Urban Cowboy, she’s the homewrecker!!
SB – I think you would have been the PERFECT one to bail us out!
and that “medium” beer cost $2.75
Yee and Ha!!!
SaWEET. This highway is HOV-2, baby!
Hey now, what’s this “stopping the line” business I’m hearing?
Punks! It stops after ME.
OMG! You remind me of Deborah Winger in Urban Cowboy.
I think her name was Sissy.
Hahahaha
I gone dun called you Sissy!
Sissy in Dupont.
I was telling Future Groom about the amputee issue. We’ll be hitting the Upstairs Bar this weekend for LARGE Sam Adams imports and amputee sightings. I’ll think of you. You guys are the bestest!! *smooches!!*
According to Eco-GF, Texass air is full of pollutants so that’s probably a birth defect and not an amputee issue. So Patsy you might want to think about that breeding schedule.
Lmntal – I 66 gets first shot. If he can stop the line, then, he stops the line! But he’s got to stop it first. Sixes and Sevens might kill him.
Red – “SISSY! GET IN THIS TRUCK!!!!!!!!” “NO BUD!” “SISSY! YOU WANNA GET MARRIED?” Sissy’s main line through the movie is “You a real cowboy?” She says it first to Bud, then to Scott “oh my god he is so fuckable” Glen, a.k.a. Wes Hightower, a.k.a. “You ‘spect a man like me to be with just one woman?”
I can’t believe we forgot to use the best pick-up line evah: “when you gone take me home and rape me?”
“Daddy’s in oil, and all things that implies. I just love Houston. It’s my favorite city in the whole wide world.”
Fuck I love that movie.
I don’t kill the ones that I might need later….
We definitely learned some new ones this weekend. I liked Patrick’s 1,001 attempt to get us all back at his place “I’ve got 4 types of weed and I can play ya’ll REAL BLUEGRASS”.
How about, “I’m not trying to hook up with y’all.”
Don’t worry Patsy, I’ve got that one stored up. It’s bound to show up very very soon!
I kind of wanted to see pictures of amputees. Did they have big hair too?
Urban Cowboy… wow, what a movie 😉 You chica’s look hawt in your hats.
I’m enjoying the comments as much as the post. And the two of you look adorable, naturally.
“Momma my legs is sweaty”
Oh how I miss Texas!
OMG…sounds like my dream vacation. Seriously! Next time you go to Texas, I’m sooooo in.
All cowboys ain’t dumb. Some of ’em got smarts real good, like me.
I went out with a rodeo cowboy once. What front teeth he had were black. Think dat was cuz duh skoal.
He dun tried to kiss me and I said “No no no not on the first date.”
Ewwwwww
The hat is great! Behave yourself. You’re not so single any more… I remember that last cowboy in Phoenix.
Barbara – uh, I still have that cowboy story in my drafts. I think Sherlock would kill me if I posted it now though.
you’re back! yeeee haw! and thems are big ole mugs of shiner bock, my favorite beer in the whole wide world. god bless texas!
You are so cool! I bow down to the coolness that is you, Ms. Cool Chick! Go on wit’cho bad self, mamcita ;P (PS) I love Shiner Bock too…crazy!
That sounds just a wee bit over the top. Like, a little, oh, I don’t know, sarcastic? Not that I’d know anything about that…
Bloomie, get your sweet ass down to Texas and I’ll buy you a LARGE Shiner and we can look at amputees together 😉
why is Velvet so mean? I mean, I love velvet and its softy-goodness 🙂
Amputees! Today I worked with a guy who was missing half his ring finger [:|]
Next time I’m in Texas we will drink, and It Shall Be Good
I just realized this wasn’t your own blog. I is dum. Sorry all
I still have no clue what Bloomie is talking about. It’s my blog. Patsy is a regular though around here.
Being from the South, I’m trying to work up to being offended, but I just can’t be.
I laughed so damn hard at this. Velvet, girl, you kill me.
And Texas is a country of it’s own. Yes, it’s in the South, but you should have to have a passport to go there. Honestly.
(Just Scrunchies?? You didn’t run into any Banana Clips??? You’re lucky!)
“you ain’t from round here? Did you know that it’s the Republic of Texas? That’s cause we can leave the Union anytime we like. Says so right in our Cons’itution…”
Interestingly, I think half of my best friend’s “I made out with a one armed man in a bar last night” stories did, in fact, happen in Texas. So neither the foreplay nor the amputations you encountered were isolated incidents.
I’d say you looked hot whether or not you were “among the geriatric Randy Travis fan club, more amputees (WTF is with Texas and amputees?) and scrunchies”. I will of course do a personal appraisal to ensure such fine fillies do indeed pass muster at the big event.
I must hear this Cowboy story. Doesn’t Sherlock have a sense of humor?
That sounds like a damn good time. Reminds me I need a trip out of town. Only you could get away with that hat- love it!
Amputees, the explanations:
1.) Farm accidents. Increasingly rare, yet still there for some smaller farms.
2.) Recreational vehicle accidents. From SUV’s to ATV’s, all more are prone to roll over & produce more ‘crushing’ accidents, esp. if you’re thrown from the vehicle.
3.) The wars people. The G_Damn miserable wars. All of them, past and present. We’re producing new cripples at a really horrific rate by now. 60K by some conservative estimates. There’s lots of military bases & plenty of military retirees in TX.
The trip looked like fun though. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
loves it. my panties…wait for it…just hit the floor. safest travels!
VJ – you forgot #4: Diabetes. Texass is a fat state. FAAAAAAAAT.
#5 Pollution makes ugly babies.
Yes, Diabetes will do it in a slightly older population, (typically). I also forgot to mention diving or falling from tree stands, but this usually breaks bones & messes you up rather than taking an arm or a leg. The missing fingers are actually fairly common. Linesmen for the telephone & power company were & are still prone to them as are many different occupations. Used to be that many missing fingers were caused by blasting caps and similar accidents from hard rock mining and such. Guys in the military also are prone to lose fingers in training accidents. A buddy of mine lost the tip of one of his fingers when just a .50cal primer exploded in his hand. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
I always wondered what Garth Brooks was singing after “spurs” — But upon wikipideing “latigo” I am now enlightened. Who knew it was a comic strip? Yet another reason to visit Velvet.
Ah…the home state. I’m thrown every time I go home. You think Dallas is bad, then try going out into the real country down there. Hahaha.
I want to ride the bull… I think.
Now I want beer.
Kenny would be highly interested in that 3 way.