Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’ll Give You Diamonds, Give You Pills, Give You Anything You Want, Hundred Dollar Bills

A night at Roosters. Mesa, Arizona.


When the fight broke out, I didn’t think the two cowboys would finish by throwing punches on TOP of our table. Fucking Frecked K. Brings all the trouble to town. The cowboys were both real pissed off, each retreating to his own corner – one looking for the lens to his glasses and the other being placated by his man-faced girlfriend with the mega fake tits. I would have sided with him had it not been for the fact that he wore his Wranglers way too high.


V: Hey, that guy in the straw hat looks like Willie Nelson.
FK: That’s the guy who asked me to dance when you went to the bathroom.


Going to pee. Pubes on the toilet seat. Who still has pubes after the 1980’s?


FK did get hit on by a girl. Just in case anyone was keeping score… I think she said something to FK like, “I fall in love easy…”


  1. I-66

    I’m thinking the 80’s just haven’t hit Arizona yet.

  2. homeimprovementninja

    If the “hairstyle” the rest of the civilized wears hasn’t hit Arizona yet, then that should things really interesting.

    Cowboy: wuz you in chemo therapy recently or sumthin’?

    Velvet: no…why.

    Cowboy: Well, ya’ ain’t got no hair on yer…, well, yer cooter.

    Velvet: Well, you see, when you hillbillies switch over from Betas, to VCRs and eventually DVDs, you’ll have access to all kinds of new p0rn and you’ll see that it’s now normal to coif yourself that way. Oh, and you’ll loooove the internets and the google. It’s sorta like a combination of the TV and telephone, but with more boobs.

    Cowboy: My brain hurtz. Can I see your cooter agin?

  3. Patsy

    Ageeing with 66. I can’t imagine AZ is the grooming capital, you know?

  4. DubsInAz

    AZ IS the grooming capital. Our dear friend Velvet was in the wrong side of town to see this on this particular evening.

    Isn’t Roosters the country bar with a full-wall mirror lining one wall? Been there, definitely some interesting people…Last time I was there I was hit on by some skinny-ass girl with a front tooth missing. She said it was from getting kicked in the face by a steer.

    From the smell that was coming from that orifice, I’m guessing it was because she hadn’t brushed her teeth. Ever.

    BTW – velvet, you might enjoy the blog that a story was ran on in the AZ Republic.

  5. Phil

    AZ has always been a “full bush” state.

  6. BBTY

    I bet they think those little back-pack purses are a new fashion.

    (like the song, BTW…AHEM)

  7. Arjewtino

    FK is trouble. She’ll get you liquored up and beat down on the same night.

  8. freckledk

    As soon as Velvet wakes up, I’m going to see if she’ll download a pic or two.

    I’ve never seen anything like Roosters – ever never EVER. Men in jeans so tight and high, women with crunchy hair and fake breasts. All decked out in big buckles and sequined leopard print. Oh, and V forgot to mention – there were two cops parked outside the entrance to Roosters, sitting on barstools all night. They did not make an appearance during or aftet this barfight…and this was a biiiiiig barfight – bottles flying, glass breaking, all happening atop our table. The cops remained on those stools. I asked them after the fight why they didn’t come in and one of them said, “Cuz we stay out here.” You would’ve thought it was a couple of Velvet’s favorite DC cops, who call 7-11 their home. For these two, it was the parking lot of Roosters. Tomato, tomahto. There’s no US Weekly or Big Bites in the Roosters lot, so it’s clear that the AZ coppers have a tougher go of it than do DC’s finest.

    Biker bar tonight! Say your prayers…

  9. Lisa

    Ohh, how I wish you were filming this adventure to put up on youtube!

  10. Carrie

    Do you expect anything less when K gets into town?

    I’ll stick close to a western union to wire you ladies bail money tonight.

  11. BBTY

    The more I hear of this story the more I think of that Rawhide scene in the Blues Brothers.

  12. Velvet

    I66 – Well, this part of AZ. Too far from the city.

    Ninja – That was top quality writing. You should submit that to some publications, I bet you’d be picked up in a hot second.

    Patsy – Yes, and, cough, that is presenting a problem for me. The word “Brazilian” here means a native of Brazil. Damn.

    Dubs – Someone came up to us last night and said we just “HAD” to go to Handlebar J’s. So we’re going tonight. You should come! Dirty Scottsdale is HILARIOUS.

    Phil – Yes, me thinks it’s a red state too.

    BBTY – FK and I were BLASTING that last night driving back through the desert…where the lack of humidity means my hair arrives back home looking like it did when I left the house hours earlier.

    Arjewtino – I’m scared…

    FK – Those cops were like Ponch and the other guy. They still wear that beige uniform! HA HA! Then they watched us drive off, drunk. So what were they there for?

    Lisa – I thought of that this morning. FK would have taken a picture of the fight but some chick jumped on her.

    Carrie – Yes, please! I’m hoping for a little less drama and a little more teeth tonight, but everyone has their dreams yanno?

  13. Drunken Chud

    heh, i used to bounce in a country bar. fun times, that. fun times indeed.

  14. mysterygirl!

    You’re writing, and I didn’t know! I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying your trip!

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