Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Tales From Greece: Part 3 ~ The Cruise

When we finally left Athens and got to the islands, I was much more of a happy camper. The cruise ship islands were wretchedly overcrowded with tourists. Mykonos was awful. Proof positive once a place makes it to something like E!’s “Wild On,” or the ill-fated Tara Reid show, “Taradise,” it’s ruined.

On our cruise, we went the coast of Turkey and to five islands. I thought being in Athens sucked, I was crying to go back after the day in Turkey. CRY-YEENG. I thought I loved Patmos until I heard some bitch from Long Island in her track suit say to the guy at a kiosk, “How much is da wadda?” Oy. When you fly 12 hours, take a bus for an hour, and a cruise ship for 2 more days and still hear English? No! We then went to Rhodes, which was pretty built up and not like an island at all. We tried to leave my dad in Crete, where he is from, but he was wise to our game and refused to be distracted by “Hey, is that a 5 Euro bill flying down the street?”

The final island was Santorini. That was the only island where we had to take a tender boat because our cruise ship was unable to get through the shallow waters to the port. Getting on the tender boat, I should have known. They were pulling people from the cruise ship and literally throwing them on the tender and yelling in Greek “ELLA ELLA ELLA!” I ended up with several people in my lap, including someone’s baby. We parked so damn far out in the ocean it was at least 25 minute tender ride, where I once I exited, promptly wanted to yak everywhere. Add insult to injury, once you are “on the island,” you are still not on the island. Santorini is a huge mountain. See?


The reason the water is so shallow is because that part of the harbor used to be above ground, but there was a volcano and the Atlantis theory. When I got there, I was informed that the only ways up the mountain were by donkey or cable car, both costing you money, of course. I have to say, I HATE the fact that we did nothing but pay money to get to this damn island – airfare, public transportation, cruise, and they drop us off and we still have to pay more? ARRGH! The alternative for stupid (and vengefully cheap tourists) is to walk the 566 steps. I looked at my brother and he said, “Let’s go.” In Athens, we ran up Likavitos, so why not.

Navigating a hill simultaneously being used by the donkeys was an accomplishment. My mom called out, “Watch out for the donkey shit” as they got into a cable car and jetted up the mountain. There they go!

And, here was what our route looked like.



As we passed all the tubby Americans riding the poor donkeys, they made comments about how nuts we were. Yes, look at my brother’s washboard abs and my cellulite free ass earlobes and tell me we don’t know what we’re doing. Thank you, come again.

There’s our cruiseship by the way. Yup. It was out there all right. Not the first one, by the way, the other one way the hell out there.

Anyway, all that kaka has a point, otherwise I wouldn’t have told you. Later that night I am in line to retrieve our passports that the cruiseline held hostage for the week. I overheard something about how these people were supposed to be “on the ship that sunk.” I asked them what they were talking about. Then I reported back to the Greeks with, “Did you know this cruiseline had a ship sink a few months ago?” My mom said, “Um, NO. The travel agent didn’t tell us that.”

Some googling indicates that in April, 2007, Louis Hellenic cruises lost a boat because they RAN AGROUND IN SANTORINI. So now I get why we parked our asses over by Egypt and tendered in. Our boat was actually the “replacement” boat for the one that sunk. You have to wonder at what point we tendered over the sad remains of the lost ship. These links are fun:

Cruise Ship Sinking

Definitely watch this video

Anyway, the final 24 hours in Greece were so disastrous that I actually can’t even tell that part because it still gives me the shakes. Just know, my mom was handing out valium, I threatened to shred my passport, my dad told several people to fuck off in both English and Greek and we all vowed to never go back again.

One more installment of this trip, then I’m going to go back and check on what the cops have been doing…which reminds me…in Turkey, I saw cops getting their shoes shined outside the police station. Since the Greek-Turk rivalry is vicious at best and violent at worst, I refrained from taking a picture. But, I did get this picture of the Greek cops standing around doing absolutely nothing in front of the U.S. Embassy in Athens!


  1. wildbillthePirate

    I’m still looking for Borf! Doesn’t he/she make it out to Santorini? Seriously, The best vacations are the ones you make yourself far AWAY from the Maddining Crowd! I’m sure that there are Plenty of Places in Greece you & the family could have gone to that Aren’t on the Beaten Path! Places where you could have met Borf, for that matter!

  2. MA

    I’ve swum in the pool in the US embassy in Athens at a Fourth of July party. It was the only pool not filled with salt water in all of Athens. (I think that’s right.) It’s the only embassy I’ve ever really been to visit.

    The islands are beautiful, but it sounds like you had a helluva time.

    I know you’ll think I’m crazy, but I want to go back.

  3. Catherine

    OMG. I watched the video and I have to say I will NOT ever be going on a cruise ship in that neck of the woods. That’s insane. I hope you enjoyed some parts of your trip. I did enjoy what you did with the flip chart on your other post though as well. My husband keeps asking me what i’m laughing about, I’m sorry that your vacation has me laughing so hard.

  4. homeimprovementninja

    Don’t the locals (or tourists) look at you funny when, instead of taking pictures of the scenery, you point your camera down and take pictures of donkey shit?

  5. Anonymous

    Ella Ella Ella? They were listening to Rihanna over in Greece?

    Okay, bad joke. Did you see that your resident shit eater, Rob Halligan, was quoted in the Washington Post today. he cares greatly that an art house movie theater is being taken down. I smell the stench of falseness and bootlicking from that weasel.

  6. JohnnyDC

    I think I saw this movie. Was Leonardo DiCaprio your boyfriend?


  7. Drunken Chud

    ahh greece… never wanted to go there. simply because as a homophone to grease, it always conjured up dirty mechanics and a pregnant rizzo. ack.

  8. Velvet

    Bill – You really, um, love Borf.

    MA – You want to go back? Really? Huh. I’m stumped.

    Catherine – Oh, no, it had us laughing by the end. Well, sort of.

    Ninja – Why would someone look at ME funny when there is about 800 lbs of them trying to make a Donkey go up 566 steps.

    Anon – I didn’t get the joke! I don’t listen to Rihanna…and OMG, you HATE Rob, you really should join forces with some people in Dupont, if you haven’t already. While he affects me neither one way or the other (except for the lying part, that I cannot abide by,) his lynching seems definite.

    Johnny – Leonardo DiCaprio was NEVER my boyfriend!

    Chud – Ya ain’t missing much!

  9. Not So Little Woman

    Wait. What!? You went on a cruise with those people from the sunken ship? I heard about that back in April and about the missing tourists. That was horrible.

    But you made it back safe and sound, with loads of fun stories and… an even greater ass, I’m sure, after the workout in Santorini.

  10. Not So Little Woman

    Velvet, the joke Anon refers to is the “summer hit” Umbrella, by Rihanna. The chorus goes “ella, ella, ella”, if I’m not mistaken.

  11. wildbillthePirate

    It’s not that I,um love Borf but I’d much rather see pics of your cellulite free-earlobes- than the donkey doo! One of my old partners on the bus-Ambulance- is actually from a greek island & I’ve already seen pics of his trips home with the folks. While in NYC I don’t generally have contact with the Donkeys I’ve certainly met enough Horses’Asses that live here to know what thats’ about!

  12. barbara

    I expected you to get those cops’ names and turn them in. Wouldn’t that have been true Velvet style? 🙂

  13. I-66

    The last time I checked “how much is da wadda?” is not English.

  14. Hammer

    I only spent a day in that town when I was “stuck” on that island. The rest of the time I hung out on the black sand beaches in Perissa, on the opposite end of the island. Much less prepackaged tourism, much more fun.

    I guess that’s the big downside to cruise ships – you’re always at the mercy of their itinerary.

  15. Anonymous

    Not so Little Woman was able to explain the punchline. I hate the song…I challenge you to listen to it and not smash your radio or get it stuck in your head for a week.

    I do not hate Rob Halligan. I do not know Rob Halligan. I just decided not to like people that you don’t like, since you appear to be a good judge of character. Is this stupid? Of course it is, but I don’t have nearly enough anger in my life, so I’m channeling yours. And I can turn a phrase! I assume he checks your site, so he can read that there are people who think he’s a fucking clown shoe.

    Also, unlike me, he is NOT a cunning linguist.

  16. Velvet

    Anon – Well, wow, thanks for the support. I don’t think I’m that good of a judge of character. I always give people too many chances before I cut them out. And yes, you are a cunning linguist!!!

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