Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Number One Baybee!

All my bitching about Greece and yet, I’m number one on Google Greece for the search term “Velvet.” Aww shucks. I think you all still love me even though you tried to arrest me at the end.

Though, sadly, I’m still rocking the number 2 position for “ways to get a girl exited.” (Exited?) On that search term, I’m trailing behind number 1, How do I get my girl squirting?

Well, it certainly beats the long time span last year where I was number one for “velvet ass sex.” (Currently holding the number 19 position on that one…)


  1. barbara

    Our stats feed our egos, don’t they? I think I must be the only person in the world to ever write about “how lentils grow” because that post of a long time ago continues to get hit once or twice a day. Who are these people who want to know anyway?

    Congrats on your Greek fame. I’m sure your standing in the sex arena would go back up if you turned this back into a dating Blog. However, you seem to be in a much better place than when you were advertising on Craig’s List and doing that Lunch thing.

  2. I-66

    So tell me… What sort of Twister-esque gymnastics are needed to get into the “number 19 position”?

  3. Momentary Academic

    That’s hilarious. I have to check out my stats. I’m sure they’re totally boring.

  4. Velvet

    Barbara – I had actually stopped looking. But last week I got a comment from a name I didn’t recognize, so I went to check it out. They found me by googling “velvet” on Google Greece. And there’s no way I could go back to the tell-all on the love life. Though, back then when I was in the telling all mode, there wasn’t anything of significance going on. It would be different now.

    I66 – I’m not sure…we should try to find out though.

    Momentary Academic – I usually don’t look. There’s nothing good in there, not like other people who get the funniest search terms and then somehow end up as number 1 for it. I’m not that lucky!

  5. nato

    So, will we ever get to find out what you and your family did (or were blamed for) to warrant your (almost) arrest? And I wish I were into anal — I’d love to ask my wife for some velvet ass sex during my lunch break today . . .

  6. I-66

    Right on. I’m in the middle of soccer season so I’m at my most limber.

    And nato, you’re supposed to ask?

  7. nato

    I-66: I’ve always had a “Don’t Ask? Don’t Fuck” policy. On rare occasion, it’s more of a “Beg/Plead” policy.

  8. Drunken Chud

    for the longest time i was a number one search for “myspace survey” after i wrote an informative, insightful commentary on the literary workings of one said survey. my stats blew up for about 6 months. it was crazy.

  9. Velvet

    Nato – You crack me up. Ask your wife. I dare you. The ending of Greece is a long story. Really long. If you really want to know, email me. I’m not sure I can do it justice in the written word though.

    I66 – Yesssss. You are supposed to ask! You know that!

    Nato 2nd time – That’s what happens when you get married you know…you should have just moved in with her.

    Chud – I guess some people manipulate google and write about certain things to end up in searches. This would have never occurred to me, honestly. I just find it funny. But I know search terms are big business for some virtual businesses. It’s the same reason why when I’m looking for say, a Gucci purse on ebay, the lister will put in the title, “Prada purse, not Gucci.” Annoying. But they end up in my search nonetheless. I hate those people by the way…

  10. nato

    Oh sure, take advantage of my ignorance of the intertrucks and make me search for your email address. At least now I can tell my grandkids (in another twenty or thirty years, when I’m old enough to have some, dammit!) about the time I sat alone in my basement and googled Velvet. Hopefully by then it’ll sound dirtier than it really is. Oh hey, there’s your email address!

    As to marriage, moving in with a good Mormon girl doesn’t work. You’ve got to marry her if you’re going to corrupt her and convince her to abandon the dream of an eternity of being one of a hundred or so fuckmates/maids to the exalted husband. Wait a minute, maybe I should have converted to Mormonism myself rather than deprogramming her; life actually sounds pretty good for the dead Mormon male . . .

  11. Washington Cube

    The other day I was talking to a friend about Rick James. We were trying to think of a ringtone for my new iPhone (yes..I had to get one), and he swore black and blue I HAD to use “Shanquia” as in “Shaniqua don’t live here no ‘mo”…which by the way is impossible to get out of your head….but I was arguing for the opening of that Rick James’ song when a phone rings and a woman’s voice asks “Is Rick James there?”…she being the “other woman.” So I Googled “Is Rick James There?” and I popped up…as a comment on Megarita’s blog WAY back in the day re: something else. HA. My comment. Not my blog piece…my frigging comment.

  12. Washington Cube

    and come to think of it, what I just wrote is a blog piece. :::zoom::::

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