Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Bye Bye Pope. We Hardly Knew Ye.

Dear Pope:

Wassup? Thanks for coming to say hi! I really appreciated that you orchestrated this visit to bestow your prayers on D.C. There is no hope for us though, so I hope you don’t feel your visit was in vain. I mean, come on. You met with GW. Did you really think that we stand a chance of becoming anything other than selfish “yeah, and so how does this affect my life” kind of Americans?

I appreciate the traffic jams, the Pope decoys, the erections the police get when they get to block off streets, “direct” traffic and let you through. No, really. It’s not an inconvenience at all. See, none of us really want to get to work today, because none of us want to earn our dollar so that we can share it with GW and the likes of his posse.

Though, I should point out. I did handle this “almost” encounter with you way better than I handled my encounter with the last pope.

Rome. 2004. Pitstop and I were making our way through Italy and as we are known to do, stumbled into something just seconds before a life changing event was about to happen. Because we spoke no Italian, we didn’t know that the day we chose to go to the Vatican was the day Pope John Paul whatever was going to be there.

The sea was angry that day Anticipation ran high until the Pope, he finally did arrive! Well, everyone climbed onto their chairs to watch the Pope be wheeled down the aisle and Pitstop and I made the “error” of stepping on someone’s plastic folding cafeteria chair. That someone happened to be an evil German. Let it be said now: I hate Germans. Anyway, he started screaming at us to “clean this” and I told him to fuck off. Mr. X thinks that is what did that Pope in. He died shortly thereafter.

So new Pope, Benedict, be happy that you didn’t come close to me while on your visit. But thanks for coming!


“I am the best Pope evah! Whose that girl fighting with the German?”

*That’s the German’s head by the way.


  1. Uncle Keith

    Did you flash him your tits? I hear Popes love that. Wait, maybe that’s me who loves that. I bet they would have gotten 10 more years out of him, if he’d seen your boobies. You would have been assured a Sainthood. The headlines would have read, “Velvet Cures the Pope.” The Germans would have hated that!

  2. I-66

    What’s a pope?

  3. Washington Cube

    It’s this stuff on a rope and you wash and are cleansed of your dirt and your sins.

  4. Mr. X

    ViD, I looked at the video you took of of Pappa J. While waving to you, he was saying Velvet , ego diligo vestri crura. Must have been a nice dress and shoes.

  5. Pope Benedict XVI

    Thank you my Child. I will pray for you.

    If you can, please send some money to the Vatican. We need new marble floors, a few drapes, and maybe a cast iron skillet. And perhaps, some white wood for the white smoke.

  6. Velvet

    Keith – Sadly, I did not. But I’ll keep that in mind for the next time.

    Cube – LOVES IT!!!

    Mr. X – Say that to me again, later, in a whisper please.

    Pope – I don’t send no money to no stinking religious causes!

  7. suicide_blond

    i was actually just wondering if calling the new pope creepy..was gonna get me sent straight to hell… then i read this and thought..well .. ill be in good company…

  8. JohnnyDC

    I thought the Pope came to town because he heard about the bukkake party Trivial Tryst thing that sixes and sevens was throwing. I mean its gonna be a PARTY, right? Can Kim Jong Il come too?

  9. JohnnyDC

    (bukkake party was supposed to have a strikethrough)


  10. sixes and sevens

    Sadly I can’t take credit for trivial tryst. I was just pasing on the message. I’m in the Nati this weekend causing earthquakes.

  11. Washington Cube

    The Pope was in town? Huh.

  12. Krista

    Thanks for sending him up to NYC- there’s nothing like taking over a baseball stadium for a church service.

  13. E

    The pope asked me to tell you that the dude you’ve seen on Mass Ave at Observatory Circle–the one waving the sign that says “Vatican Hides Pedophiles–” is a lying sack of rosary beads.

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