Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Ain’t As Good As I Once Was, But I’m As Good Once, As I Ever Was

I hate to make Wednesday the standard bitch-about-work day, but by Wednesday I’m ready for the weekend because of some work related trauma. I could entertain with stories about how some woman ended up on the other end of my phone this week and said she lived “at the condoms.” Or I could outline an illicit behind-the-scenes affair between co-workers that someone sniffed out and ran to inform me of. Or I could go on and on and on about how I called a Developer to ask how many units they would be building and they refused to answer.

“D’as none yo’ bidness.”

I know me a shady Developer or two. Hell, I worked for one. Heh.
But I think that today, due to events of the past weekend I’d like to speak to Mr. X, in a 4-part series of e-cards.


  1. wildbillthePirate

    There are. . . . . . . . no words. . . . . .

  2. Catherine

    Pirate….There are words….It’s just hard to express them after seeing that….Just…really really hard…

  3. I-66

    Yeah, like there was ever a scuba mask involved.

  4. Uncle Keith

    Wow, every orifice, sweet!

  5. Stoic

    Nothing says love better than a shrine in honor of ones cock…at least I’d find that a pretty loving gesture myself. I hope he does as well.

  6. E

    I already sent BMW the “shrine to your cock” one.

  7. Velvet

    Bill – of course there are words! I just chose them and put them up there for you!

    Catherine – There’s a card for everything you know!

    I66 – What? There wasn’t?

    Uncle Keith – Yeah, nothings off limits for my man!

    Stoic – We’ll see. I need some more plaster. Anyone?

    E – You probably wrote that one. Hey. I want my next job to be writer for someecards.

  8. E

    What about the belly button? That was once an orifice.

  9. E

    And I didn’t just write that e-card, I wrote the book on making shrines to mens cocks.

  10. Mr. X

    Baby you’re the greatest!

  11. E

    Mr. X, first of all, Velvet isn’t that wholesome looking. Second of all, I always pictured you with salt-and-pepper hair. Guess I should’ve been home that night you accompanied Velvet to my house and tried to spy on us! See you Saturday?

  12. Phil

    In the spirit of this post, might I recommend to you a series of videos over on Super Deluxe called “Position of the Day”.

    I think you will find them educational and entertaining.

    Position of the Day (a video series)

    I recommend them all.

  13. Valley Girl

    Lurves it!

  14. wildbillthePirate

    I meant that there are no words to express my joy & delight at finding a series of ecards for my love life! I Wish someone would send me a card saying they are building a shrine…

    I also want to turn you onto a new song I picked up the other day:

    I think you’ll like it.

  15. elvis

    You are my white female Jesus.

  16. Washington Cube

    I haven’t got much to say. The cards are cute and original and meet the social needs of today’s culture. Give me a break, Velv…I had a difficult week. Ok, let’s see…..

    Card One: The scuba mask. Underwater sex with heavy use of oxygen cannisters. Substitute a dildo for her breathing tube and the Mister can jerk off while she’s sucking on that? Listen…the first thing that came to mind when I saw Card one was JFK. He had a habit of liking to push the head of the woman he was fucking underwater, and while she was gasping to get air…her struggle…that’s when he’d climax. Trust me. If he had lived in this age of the internet, that shit would be all over the place. Speaking of shit….

    Card Two: Every orifice. I suppose hula girl could use her lei’s as part of a ring toss over an erection while Tahiti vibrating her hips in a rocking motion like a slipping fan belt. Orifices? People like them squeaky clean, although some would argue the dirtier the better. Chacun à son goût. Think of Chad Lowe in that Law & Order episode after murdering his mother that he was fucking, stroking her blood smeared body and saying “I’m a dirty little boy.”

    Card Three: My personal favorite. I could immediate name ten men to mail that to as a joke, and one (at least)…I know his response would be “That’s how it should be,” and “Of course you are.” After I saw this card I found an engineering drawing of Egyptians building a pyramid, and I thought about sending him that with the same saying, with the ropes and pulleys and architect’s measurements . I didn’t. He’d want the monument finished by Monday morning with a ribbon cutting ceremony by afternoon. I am not joking.

    Card Four: I wish I was in that shout it to the rooftops state. It’s a lovely place to be. Lucky girl. Straight to the moon, as Mr. X would tell you.

  17. Velvet

    I’m going to have to check out Phil’s link later…I don’t know how work would feel about my hitting up a site called “position of the day.” See here at the Vortex, they like us to just take it in the ass. That’s the only position. They are afraid I’ll find out there are others!

    Only Cube could have that response. The facts in your response to Card 1 are fascinating. Any of our ex-leaders would not seem so invincible should we introduce them to the internet age.

  18. wildbillthePirate

    I would ask cube how she knows That little tidbit… Wait, Ignorance IS Bliss!

  19. sixesandsevens

    My cards would be something like:

    1) Caning you in my basement is like heaven. I pray for it every night. you are my salvation.
    2) No one never shook my ass like that…and I thank you.
    3) Baby, you’re better than all those tribes before you.
    4) When I first met you I lost my breath in ways I never knew anyone’s hands could reach around my neck before.
    5) Every bruise I make, every slap I take…

    (or something like that)

  20. Stoic

    Sixes: I’m partial to No. 1…

  21. Phil

    How about “You are like a jar of delicious rasberry preserves in my basement, except you’re in a much larger jar, and there are no rasberry preserves.”

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