Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

It’s Not How I Planned It, I Got a Key to the Door But it Just Won’t Open

There are intense feelings of satisfaction and of accomplishment in finding my own way, physically and figuratively.

I know there are zillions of GPS fans out there. Spare me. The only person I’ve ever met who hated the GPS as much as I, was the checkout girl at Dupont Italian Market. Though, she had actually owned one and had specific complaints with its performance, or lack thereof. I just hate the idea of a machine telling me where to go and what to do. I’d end up ripping it out of my car, telling it to fuck off, and throwing it out the window.

“Fuck you! YOU turn left!”

My brother was going to buy me a GPS for Speedracer but I said no. I like the challenge of finding places on my own. Besides, having worked for Developers who develop land on unnamed dirt roads, most of what I would have needed from a GPS wouldn’t have been available. Some of the best “directions” I’ve received could never have come from a GPS.

“Make the second left into the property where there’s a big wagon wheel over the entrance. Now, the guy is in jail, but his wife still lives there. He met her through a Russian mail-order catalog. Just drive by her and if she comes to the front door with a gun, just wave and drive faster. I have an easement over her property so she has to let you pass. All the way in the back of the property you will see a huge pile of tires. Don’t get out of your car, there are a lot of snakes back there. Just wait for the guy there, and he’ll come and tell you what to do.”

I’m so glad I don’t work for him anymore.

Today I didn’t feel like doing any work. I consulted Yahoo’s homepage for news. Then I read this. My favorite part: “A GPS is not a substitute for common sense.” Gee, ya think? I know plenty of people for whom it is. In fact, I know plenty of people who live their life by a GPS of some sort.

“I have to finish grad school by 26, then I need to be married by 28 so I can have four kids exactly two years apart before I turn 35.”  

Sunday I was having a selfish, “me-day” where I blew everyone off to sulk in my bed about nothing in particular. Well, okay, maybe the whole job thing has burned me out already, but that’s a story for another day. When I was finally fit for human interaction again, Mr. X and I were on the phone discussing some plans we have for this weekend and next. He said something that just means so much and in the spirit of finding one’s way, I wanted to share.

“I realized how cool it is that we got to know each other for five years before anything happened.”

It was his way of saying that he knows this is a once in a lifetime deal. Well, that’s my interpretation. I also think it speaks so much to his personality, mine, and ours together. It might have taken us a little longer to get where we are, but it was well worth the journey.

So this weekend and next, we’re off, to take peeks into various parts of our future. I think we’ve decided where we’re going, but not exactly how we’re going to get there. The getting there part changes daily, especially with me, whose unpredictable reactions generated this text from the man: “Baby, you are all over the place.”

I wouldn’t trade it for any GPS no matter what.


  1. Cyndy

    I’m with you on the GPS. When they gave me a choice between a “free” GPS and a storage compartment in my new car, I took the storage compartment, which means they had to remove the GPS.
    It is excellent that you knew Mr. X for so long in advance of hooking up. It often takes much longer to truly get to know a person when the relationship is romantic from the very beginning.

  2. Patsy

    Are you sure you’ve never been to Kansas? Because I’m pretty sure I grew up down the street from the place with the tires and the snakes.

  3. E

    Directions –> relationships. I am feeling a mixture of astonishment (that you could relate these two things) and envy (that you can do so successfully!). Bravo!

  4. mysterygirl!

    If you know where you’re going, I don’t think it matters how or when you get there. The only time it can be annoying, I think, is when you don’t know where you’re going in the first place. Even GPS can’t help anyone then. 🙂

  5. LivitLuvit

    I adore gps… but only because I’m completely inept when it comes to a sense of direction. And only in the mechanical sense. When it comes to life, seat of the pants all the way… I just bought a plane ticket to Costa Rica the day after my 25th birthday. And that’s all I’m planning until we get there…

  6. Phil

    I wish they would make them for relationships.

    “PMS ahead…prepare to turn away from your house and to the nearest bar.”

  7. Washington Cube

    They had a GPS going in the funeral limousine when my father died. It was….offputting…. hearing instructions being called out on the way to the cemetery.

  8. Velvet

    Cyndy – Yes, screw the GPS. I’d take the extra large “big gulp sized” cup holder in place of the GPS!

    Patsy – Oh, no, it was Bowie Maryland. Kansas continues to mock me as one of the 7 states I have yet to set foot in. What are the others you ask? Alaska, Hawaii, Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma, North Dakota, Minnesota. Damn it.

    E – A compliment from you on writing is like a compliment from Ernest H himself. Thank you.

    MysteryGirl! – That’s a good way of putting it!

    LivitLuvit – I think life should be that way, otherwise the plans just clog you up from letting things happen naturally.

    Phil – You should invent that!!!!!

    Cube – Um, that’s very very disturbing. It reminds me of a modern day Twilight Zone where the GPS turns on you and starts telling you where to go… Like Talking Tina.

  9. namaste

    love, love this post!

  10. Catherine P

    As someone who drives every day hundreds of miles I have to rely on GPS for some assistance. I cannot tell you how much I laugh when the thing tells me to make a left turn into a ONE way street that runs the opposite way. We have an adjuster in Mississippi who actually turned where teh GPS said…and the idiot (and they say women are bad drivers this guy takes the cake…) So he turned into a darn canal…!! What an imbecile. After that we got a memo from our company CEO and it said…..I know that we recently gave everyone a GPS in order to attempt making inspections at claims a little easier. but we all need to remember that this is just a tool for our job and is not supposed to be followed word for word. Use your common sense and watch out for things like trees, curbs, canals, other vehicles, etc.

    Yeah although we are adjusters…some of the people I work with are still idiots and should not be allowed out of their homes…

  11. Kevin

    After traveling back and forth across Ireland with my old man and a very loud Garmin (he’s a bit deef). After five days it was a toss up which of them was getting thrown out of the car.

    Making the journey even more fun, he’d anticipate Iron Mary, as he’d nicknamed this terrifying inanimate object. So I had the opportunity to hear “At…round about…go…straight…on” 10,000 times in 10 days.

    There are a lot of traffic circles in Ireland.

  12. E

    Aw, shucks. I’m not nearly as good as Ernie–now it’s you who’s giving me compliments!

  13. suicide_blond

    what is it they say..
    lits not the destination..its the journey…

  14. Ibid

    I’ve had someone’s GPS tell me to drive through NIH once. It’s not until you’re about a quarter mile down a twisting road that you realize it’s NIH. By then you have the big men with guns.

    Still, it’s better than MapQuest. I’m convinced they have a cursed server. For every 10 people it gets to their destination 1 person must die. It tried to kill me many times before Google Maps took their place.

  15. Washington Cube

    I realize now I lead a disturbing life. Did I tell you about my ant infestation? I found them crawling up my iPhone dock wire. I could never figure out where they were coming from (the trail ended at the power strip) or what they were doing. Trying to rack up my text minutes? Watching a You Tube of Adam & The Ants? Googling images of food?

  16. I-66

    Reason #1 to be wary of your GPS.

  17. Ibid

    I-66 –
    Nah. All the GPSs around here are lesbians anyway. 😉

  18. Dara

    Ha, I just wrote about my love-hate with my GPS two days ago. (For the record, I swear at mine, and refuse to admit that it may be smarter than I am.)

    You’re right about people who mapped out their lives: Every time I hear about some of my former friends who made those kinds of decisions, my general reaction is “what a waste of talent.” In life — and, I suppose love — it is sometimes better to take the long way.

  19. barbara

    I would always trust you over the numskull who speaks to me out of my husband’s Prius GPS. I refuse to have a conversation with her personally.

    I swear by relationships that started out as “just friends”. It’s so nice when something more just happens.

    I’m excited that you are talking about the future. I can’t wait to find out what that means, but I’m starting to suspect that you might move away and that would be sad for many of us.

  20. Catherine P

    LOL I curse at my GPS all the time. My husband swears I am friggin nuts. When I travel in LA I use it all the time. I just cannot stand that city (and to think that I grew up there) I use it here in Phoenix as well because there are too many new streets to try to figure out…

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