Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Part 19: Oh I Am What I Am, I’ll Do What I Want, But I Can’t Hide

September 2008 – February 2009

September would be the witching hour for this divorce. The conversations between X and the hopefully soon to be ex Mrs. X were in full force. She was on the emotional roller coaster from hell and dragging everyone down with her. Seriously. Sometimes I wished she knew about me so I could call her up and tell her to have some fucking respect for herself and to stop acting like a child. Oh. And while we were on the phone I’d also tell her to stop using her uterus as a paycheck. By then she would have hung up on me.

She was wavering between bouts of being sick of the kids and wanting him to pick them up immediately to threats to take the kids and leave the country. It was exhausting. The problem for her was that X was burned out on her anger and emotional bullshit, so he was unresponsive to almost everything. Almost. Threats to take children are the trump card. And she knew that.

After a particularly grueling Labor Day weekend afternoon of texting wars between X and the soon to be ex Mrs. X, he put his arms around me and said, “I am so in love with you.” Sometimes all you have to do is be the non-crazy woman in a sea of crazy women and you come out smelling like a rose.

Later that night, we ended up with another of our firsts. These moments happen so infrequently in long term relationships that you just have to pay attention and know when they are happening so you can record every moment in your head and burn it forever into your happy place. We ended up taking a shower together. When the shower finished and we moved to the bed and shared the sweet words across the pillow that couples share, we were again at a new place. Before he left the next morning he said, “Something changed.” I agreed. It did change. I can’t explain it, it just did. I think at that point we just knew it was forever. And that we were forever.

It of course didn’t stop more on and off drama with the impending divorce. It just wasn’t moving fast enough for me. Up. Down. Up. Down. For what started out so well, September was a rough month until the fated, long awaited for day where he sent me a text that said, “I have the signed divorce agreement.” His attorney filed and they got a court date for shortly into the new year.

The fall was spent running back and forth to the beach house, doing walk throughs, making sure everything was as it was supposed to be. It was an incredible growing experience for our relationship to have something that we thought of and then built together – not necessarily literally as much, but figuratively.

There’s a huge gap of time in my precious Microsoft Word documentation of our relationship. October, November, December. Blank. Blank. Blank. Nothing. I wish I could remember what I’m missing here, but no news was good news. We were finally on track to divorce court with no further encumbrances ahead.

The holidays rolled through town and we spent New Year’s Eve this time in bed with dueling bottles of champagne. We settled on the house in January and promptly started nesting. Shortly after the settlement at the beach, X officially became divorced. Oh. My. God.

X moved from one place to another on pretty short notice and I was the helper-bee. Going from the fourth floor walk up to a townhouse, my ass and legs saw their fair share of stairs that weekend. At the end of the 24 hours of hell, he opened a bottle of Captain Morgan, took a swing and said, “You know, if this keeps going like it’s going, one of us is going to want to get married.”

Oh? Which one?


  1. Phil

    Does this story end with a twist? Like it ends up he’s an android or hologram?

    OK if not — still a good story…

    Got to love when kids are used as pawns. And you’re right – she was merely testing which way would turn your man (do I turn them over to him assuming he’s your typical lazy husband who doesnt want to be “burdened” with taking care of them, or do I threaten to send them into outer space where he’ll never see them again?)

  2. LiLu

    I can’t see either of you gunning for marriage anytime soon, honestly.

  3. Laura

    The shower story really touched me. I know what you mean — sometimes things just change. It’s magical.

    And brave of you to share the dark, the bad, the annoying side of him. If love is true, there is nothing scary about the truth.

    Good food for thought in this one.

  4. Jessica

    Bitch. This story ends with you not blogging any more. I can tell already. This is just mean….I’ve read your work and life for years (what you’ve shared, anyway). Now, this story is probably intended to wrap things up. If you are going away, I can’t support that…

  5. Cyndy

    The L word is one thing. With the M word it’s definitely best to ere on the side of caution. But that’s not necessarily true for everyone. So…..who is it?

  6. Tyler

    A little cliff-hanger…. I am really enjoying this story. There can’t be many more installments though…. And I agree with Jessica!

  7. Redhead

    No Monday installment yet? Don’t make me cry in my bourbon.

    I bet you are waiting because you’re going to show an engagement ring picture and/or saying your quiting blogging. Fuck.

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