Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’m Taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line

Back to regularly scheduled programming.

X and I are going to New York this weekend. My brother and his family are in town and we’re meeting up with them at our designated place and time on their highly selective secret schedule. Since the beginning of time, my brother has this way of putting his family dead-last. We’re all used to this and we smile, nod, play with the nieces, then we all get on with our lives. Unfortunately for me but fortunately for X (because it’s entertaining to outsiders) the Greeks are already in major warfare. My parents are wayyyyy beyond smiling and nodding. They’re more so in the mood for tire slashing. I’ll have to keep the Ginzu knives away from them.

X is rather looking forward to this. We are staying with my parents, Gloom and Doom, in Connecticut. Much to my surprise, back in January that they overturned their prior rule that no unmarrieds can share a bed in their house. I think that, gasp, they are going to let us share a bed. Unbelievable. X said he can’t wait for this momentous occasion and he plans to commemorate it by sticking his dick in my ass. I said we will not be having any sex, anal or otherwise, in my parents house in my childhood bedroom. No. Fucking. Way.

X says, “We’ll see about that.”

Groan! Stay away from my sphincter!

He’s been reduced to negotiating by text.

This morning:

X: Ok. How about this. You can “dip” your own finger and put it in my mouth?
V: No.
X: Excuse me for being attracted to you! Okay, how about this? Masturbate with your panties on and then just hand them to me for the night.
V: Again, no!
X: Well this weekend should be good at 123 Asexual Lane.

X told his mother he was going to New York with me and we were staying with my parents. She said, “Oh, will you be talking to them about something when you’re up there?”

X played dumb. He asked what she was talking about.   She said, “A wedding.”

X had to respond that I’m all liberated and stuff, and I don’t believe in weddings.   Then she said something odd.

“Well Velvet looks like she’s ready and she told me that her mother said to not let me get away.”

X said, “My mother is hallucinating.”

I said, “You can bet your ass she is because my mother would never tell me not to let you get away. She’s lives her life believing that her children can always do better. Wait until you see how she treats my sister-in-law. That is, if she even bothers to show up.”

Should be fun!


  1. Jo

    Ha! Your parents sound like a trip! All mine do is sing and dance (well, my mom at least) and make obnoxious comments…

  2. JohnnyDC


    Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam. And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah and evah So tweasuwe youw wove

  3. michelle

    “You can dip your own finger and put it in my mouth?”

    Is this still referring to anal? Just curious.

    (And I forgot to comment on the last post, but I love a happy ending. And yes, I know you WAY better now than I ever did in DC. Like times a jillion. The dog park conversations would have been much juicier had I known then what I know now.)

  4. Pook

    I think I might be Greek. I have a brother who treats his family dead-last! We are still at war over it, and have not really spoken to each other by choice in over a year. Don’t ya just love it?

  5. Tammie

    Why would you take a Greyhound bus to get there? Peter Pan gives you much more bang for your buck. You should know that by now! This is still not quite as interesting as I like it but I can see that your trying harder, Velvet. 🙂

  6. LiLu

    I adore entertaining families. Sounds like you’ve got a doozy on your hands.

  7. James, Etta

    Hey baby, Didn’t you promise me some fresh news clips from Delaware? Don’t ignore my needs and demands! More news clips ASAP!!!! Please?!?

  8. Barbara

    We just had a discussion about what we would do if our daughter showed up with her boyfriend of almost 2 years whom we have yet to meet. We both voted to let them do whatever they wanted in our house. Better than sneaking around the way we had to when we were young.

    Have as much fun as you can with your family. At least you are in good company!

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