Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Higher Than a Kite, I Know I’m Getting Hooked On Your Love

X and I stayed in town this weekend. I wanted to begin the much awaited consolidation of households. This will be a long, slow, painful process if I don’t start really making headway, and fast. So in town we stayed and while I didn’t pack one single box, I do feel as though I did accomplish the tying up of some loose ends. Read: Selling things on Ebay and Amazon. Check out seller velvet13 if you want to bid on my porn. No. I’m not kidding…I’m also selling my doggie cameras. I’ve had enough. I’m done spying on the little fuckers. They can do what they want to my bed. They win.

The real reason we didn’t head to the beach was because X’s mommy wanted us to come over for crabs. Crabs turned into shrimp, but whatever. So we get up there and you just have to picture X’s little Greek Mom trying to feed the hell out of us. X put some shrimp on my plate and he said, “More?” I said, “No, that’s good.” There was an audible gasp. In fact, not only was it audible, it was LOUD. X’s mom was horrified. Lady please. Don’t make me fat like my yiayia’s! That shrimp was doing the backstroke in about three sticks of butter. I saw it. X saw it. My cholesterol went up 10 points just by being in the same room with it.

After X’s mom learned that keeping the inside temperature at 94 degrees wasn’t normal and we closed all the windows and turned on the air, the people next door came out into their yard and started playing some weird game. There were sticks and posts and throwing. It was like Bocce Ball, or cricket or something. I called it Polish Bocce Ball but curiosity got the best of X and he went out to find out what the game was. His foot had barely hit the first step off the porch and the door shut when his mother started about his ex. Holy shit. I don’t know which insult hit the air first but all I could do was nod and agree, agree and nod, and shove cake in my face. Until X came back in the house and there we were, sitting in the middle of an unfinished sentence about his ex. Well I guess it was all too much for his mother to take so she just kept going. And hey, let’s be honest. I certainly wasn’t going to stop her.

What I should have stopped, however, was my complete inhalation of the devil’s food bundt cake. Let’s see. I had a slice on a napkin. Then a slice on a plate. Then I started hacking away at it with the serving knife. Lest you think I wasn’t chatting while all these calories were going in my mouth, I was participating in the full range of insults X’s mom unleashed on X’s ex. For a brief second I thought, “Damn, I hope she doesn’t ever think or say things like this about me.” But then I had a follow up thought:

I’m Greek. I have total immunity.

So X’s mom said two things that made my sugar high unleash into full on tear spilling laughter. First, she said, “Does ex have a job?”

Shit I could not stop laughing.

Then she said, “She used to call here all the time and your father would have to go ring the doorbell so that I could tell her I needed to get off the phone to go see who was at the door.”

That woman is a god damned riot.

When X and I got back to my place we weren’t ready for the weekend to end. I’m sick of weekends ending. I’m ready to play house already.

Anyway. I’m on a Survivor kick. Enjoy.


  1. Washington Kukla Cube

    Appropos of nothing, I am going to petition the court to adopt Michael Jackson’s children that it turns out (gasp) are not his children, and he never adopted them. I’ll let them keep wearing the head scarf thing. What the hell.

    Greeks love me, and I’m not even Greek. What’s up with that. Me with the little angel face that can say “skata” and they laugh…”isn’t that cute.”

  2. Barbara

    Sounds like you are more than accepted! I’m sure she loves the fact you are Greek. It will be a riot to get your parents together with his.

  3. TheBrit

    NIce line about the shrimp doing backstoke. Was it cricket?

  4. Velvet

    Cube – I do believe the Greeks love you! You’ve had a ton of Greek friends (and men) over the years, haven’t you?

    Barbara – Oh, my mom and his mom are almost the same. I’m sure they will have a ball discussing what losers their children are for all the bad decisions they made in their lives. Sigh.

    TheBrit – Hi!!! It was a game they called Kubb or something. Pronounced “cube” ironically. It was some Scandinavian game. I thought that girl looked like a Viking anyway.

  5. LiLu

    Shrimp cooked in three sticks of butter…

    *girl on diet looks dreamily into the distance*

  6. Divorcee

    I want a video tape when you get the mom’s together…..

  7. freckledk

    Oh god. You were meant to be in that family! I want to sit next to her at the wedding. I may be losing a Velvet, but I’m gaining a Velvet *Classic.*

  8. Katie Morton

    Thinking of you… let me know when you’re good & settled in and are ready for a bevvie.

  9. Washington Kukla Cube

    Never dated a Greek, Velvet. Have had lots of Greek friends….and that incident in the Orthodox Church getting ointed with holy oil.

  10. Siryn

    Awesome, V. Although I would have taken the shrimp for the team, and pledged to run it off later.

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