Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

It’s Too Late To Turn Back Now

Thursday morning X and I arose with that anticipation I just can’t begin to describe. I knew he was nervous but he wouldn’t admit it. Shit, I was nervous. We pulled out the directions and began our drive west. I kept wondering what made us think this was a good idea – to go to a house with his birth mother (who we never met) and all his relatives (who we also never met) and spend Thanksgiving there, but whatever. I’d like to say here that X and I don’t really do anything half-assed, that we think everything out in full detail, but that would be a colossal lie.

(Note to X who is thinking, “What is she talking about? We don’t do anything half-assed!” Okay X. Think about all the conversations we have where you end them by saying, “Well, we’ll figure it out.” Honey. We NEVER figure it out. We just fly by the seat of our pants. Oh! Pants! Reminds me! Back to my story!)

So we’re driving out to the house and the directions just keep going. Turn on this road. Go 30 miles. Turn on this road. Go 10 miles. Turn on this road. Go north 2 miles. Turn on this. Another 35 miles. I think the piece of shit GPS is napping. It’s tired. And it likes to give very bad directions by the way. (“Turn left! Get in left lane! Oh, you’re in left lane? Kidding! Get back out there! You need to keep going straight! Fooled you! Dumbass!”)

As we get within 15 minutes of the house I had a sudden urge to chop and snort all my Klonopin. But I resisted. I did, however, desperately need a Diet Pepsi. We stopped at 7-11.

X and I went inside and I went to the bathroom. I came out, poured my soda, paid and we left. As we were putting on our seatbelts, X said, “So, what would be the worst thing to happen to me 10 minutes before pulling up to my birth mother’s house?”

“Um. I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know.”

“Well, I somehow managed to get the after-pee leakage on my jeans.”


I looked at X’s crotch.

X said, rather calmly, “Well. No. I’m not kidding. So I tried to dry them under the dryer in the bathroom but then someone came in and it just looked like I was trying to fuck the dryer hole, so I left.”

“This wouldn’t happen to you if you learned how to wear underwear! Now what? You’ve waited all these years and we have to drive in circles waiting for your jeans to dry?”

People, I wish I was kidding, but no, I’m not. This is me and the love of my life. Half assed and wet crotched until the end.

This time I took a picture…


In all seriousness, when we pulled up to the house, I was just so proud of X – so proud he did this. Ok, must stop gushing because he’ll be grossed out and embarrassed by my gushing.

Anyway, I don’t think that the visit could have gone any better. Without going too far into any detail – they all knew about him, and they have all been looking for him for a while. But they were missing a key piece of information that X had – the name of the agency where he was placed. For a bunch of reasons, that information was never divulged to his birth mother because she went through a third party. So she didn’t know, and no one knew, and there you have it. They searched for him on the internet and didn’t get very far. Until now.

And so X has a whole family now, the bonus of which might I add? THEY’RE NOT GREEK! Oh my god, he’s out of the cult and he left me here alone!

His pants finally dried, by the way.


  1. mama

    You could sell that shit to Lifetime for a pretty damn good holiday TV movie. Call it, “Pee on My Pants: A Family Thanksgiving” or something like that.

  2. Cyndy

    That sounds like the best Thanksgiving ever. All of it!

  3. JohnnyDC

    This sounds like a Growing Pains episode, starring Kirk Cameron and ehm… someone else playing you. 😀

  4. Curious George

    Gaaah! You totally yadda yadda yadda’d over all the most important stuff!! What is the family like? Who’s the crazy one in that family? Where are the awkward moments and tearful reunions? How was the food? I want a play-by-play!

  5. Velvet

    Mama – Would the movie have to end in him beating me though and me escaping to some women’s shelter to “find myself?” Cause that part would suck.

    Cyndy – It was!!

    Johnny – I think Kirk is all religious now and he’d never partake in something so juvenile!

    Curious George – I sent your banana-eating wife, monkey girl, over there, the full details! Tell that beeyotch to check her emails!

  6. Siryn

    Just awesome!

  7. suicide_blond

    im just catching up here… damn you and how this stuff wont come up in my feed…
    sounds sooooo great….you know except for the pee pee pants 😉 …

  8. Running Budgie

    Woooohooooo! Congratulations!!!! (Not on the leakage, though. Ew. Heh.)

  9. Phil

    I was more grossed out by the Diet Pepsi.

  10. Barbara

    Wow! Not all adoptions have this happy an ending. Do you think he will continue to see his birth mother? What happened to his birth father? Do the parents who raised him know about all this?

  11. jordanbaker

    I think the Lifetime movie clearly includes many flashbacks to his birth mother’s life in the months leading up to his birth and afterward, and that’s how you get the obligatory “woman against the odds” storyline.

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