Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

For Better For Worse

It’s been a rough weekend. I’m not going to get into all the details but I had a bit of an operation on Friday morning. X brought me home with all my pain meds and antibiotics, and took the pups for me so I didn’t have to walk them while feeling like a truck drove through my insides. The pain meds I had – Lortab, weren’t cutting it. Eau. Cutting. I should have picked another word. And so I pulled the big guns Oxycontin out of the back of the medicine cabinet. This is where the whole story goes horribly awry.

Saturday morning around 5:45 a.m., I woke up for a quick pee. When I was sitting on the toilet begging my bladder to wake up and get going already, I started feeling the hot then cold flash, then started to sweat instantly, then dizzy. Then bam! Nothing.

I woke up on the bathroom floor with my pants around my knees. Now, I know that this isn’t the first time I’ve woken up with pants around knees, but this wasn’t exactly the outcome I preferred. I crawled back to bed and texted X, who promptly came over and made me eat yogurt. Wow was I sick. Wow.

He left so I could sleep, then later in the day my neck started killing me and I got a ripping headache. I was scared I was going to die, so we started texting about what to do. We used to work with this guy who I hated, who was like 500 lbs. and last summer the guy fell in the middle of the night, after an operation, hit his head and died. So X says, “Even though we made fun of him, you’re going to the hospital.” Freckled K was at the restaurant across the street though and I had already texted her that I was in peril and she came running over. In under 3 minutes she had my doctor on the phone and told them I was in bad shape. Bitch don’t waste no time. He said I needed to go back to his office right away. X arrived and we get in the car on our way back there.

I got car sick on the way up and had to get out of the car and walk the last block while X parked, but averted the vom. We went inside and the doctor removed all the bandages, said I probably just bruised my head and I should be okay.   X said “She got scared because we have an old co-worker who died last summer after an operation when he fell.” So my doctor said, “What happened?” I said, “Oh, I don’t know, we never found out what happened when he hit his head.” It seemed like perfectly logical answer to me but X and the doctor both were like, “NO! WITH YOU! NOT THAT GUY!” Forgive me for not keeping up with you girls, but I’m working on a 3 day empty stomach and Courtney Love’s prescription plan.

Anyway, we left and we’re driving back and of course it’s like All-Embassy Open House day. I got sick again and told X I had to vom. He said, “We’re on Massachusetts, I can’t pull over, look at all the people!” There were tons of people everywhere. Of course this would be my luck. X was trying to turn left on S Street and I stuck my head out the window and projectile vomited orange gatorade all over the place. Just as it was flying out of my mouth, cars started to pass X on the right. Because all these people had parked on the side of Mass, and because it’s only 2 lanes right there, they were squeezing by between our truck and the parked cars. And there I am, spraying vomit all out the window. I swear there was splatter inside someone’s 5 series Beemer, as well as the car behind it. X pulled over after we turned the corner and I finished the vomiting and we went home.

X was like, “My favorite part of today was you throwing up orange vomit in front of like 1000 people in line at the Embassy of Zambia and getting some into the cars passing by.

Let that be a lesson to all. Passing on the right? Illegal!


  1. Cyndy

    Wow, I hope you feel better soon! It is no fun to feel so crappy. Speaking of such things, earlier this week I must have eaten something really bad because the diarrhea that followed caused me to be late to a rehearsal of Guys and Dolls. When I finally got there they were doing the scene where every single sentence contained the words “shooting crap” which is exactly what I didn’t need to hear. But I was still amused. I’m easily amused. And if I ever pass on the right I’ll make sure my windows are closed!

  2. Pook

    OMG-I could only imagine this scene! I’m sorry but I’m laughing out loud to the vomit story! Poor thing – I hope you feel better. How did the x-ray, trip to the doctors go?

  3. carrie m

    I hope you are feeling better…or at the very least, will feel better soon!

  4. Johnny DC


    Best vom story ever.

    So, may we recommend a special bike helmet for going potty? Just think of the glory… “Why are you putting on a bike helmet?” to. go. potty.

    Oooh, wait. You have a motorcycle helmet? This is a movie in the making!

  5. Velvet

    Cyndy – Oh no! You feel better too!

    Pook – it’s okay, I was laughing as I was writing it. We didn’t do an x-ray, I was too ill, I just needed to lay back down. Thankfully, I’m not dead!

    Carrie M – Thank you. I think I’m on the mend.

    Johnny DC – I was wondering where you were! I was about to Facebook Stalk you to see what was going on in your life. I love the idea of putting on my helmet to go to the potty!!!

  6. Carla

    Hope you’re feeling better! This sounds horrible.

  7. Velvet

    Carla – Thanks. It’s always something stupid with me. But then this girl came into work this morning and everyone was like, “What happened to your face?” She fell too. LOL. All of us this weekend, seriously!

  8. Add me to the list. A foot infection after a pedicure and an early trip in the a.m. to the podiatrist. Horrible weekend in pain, though. Feel better Bride. Wait a minute…can you do the vom thing at your wedding? Now THAT would be a wedding memory.

  9. Velvet

    Cube – a FOOT Infection? Jeez, how did that happen? For some reason I don’t envision you have the same health-threatening frugality disease from which I suffer, and wouldn’t pick a hole in the wall place to get your peds done. I more envision you as the Alicia Silverstone character in Clueless where she says, “You see how picky I am about my shoes and those just go on my feet!”

    Believe me, I’m sure a couple Xanax in and some booze and I’ll be primed for vomiting or napping by the time that day gets here. My list keeps getting longer. Ugh!!!!

  10. Amy

    My boyfriend’s gramma was a Christian Scientist, thus they could never go to the doc if something was wrong. And gramma was paranoid about her one and only baby getting hurt. So, bf’s dad had to wear a helmet 24-7 from like birth to the age of 12 (when he probably should have been wearing it!). Needless to say, his nickname was “Crash”. Even though he never fell down. Not once.

  11. Amy

    God, I am rude! Feel better. Puking with a torn up inside is the worst! I am sorry you are feeling bad.

  12. little d

    Oh Jesus. Just… Yeah. Hope you’re feeling better now.

  13. Wicked H

    Hope you are on the mend by now. If I can help, give a shout.

  14. Phil

    Wow, this sounds terrible – but I am glad you have allowed us to laugh at your misfortune!

    Hope you feel better soon (or feel better already)…

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