Holy Moly is it hot out there. This summer has been unrelenting. I just came home at 9:30 and damn it, it is still 95 degrees out there. Complain complain. In six months I’ll be doing the same bitching, but it will be today’s temperature less 90 degrees and I’ll be crying about having to walk Sammy (the love of my life) when it’s 5 degrees outside.
Drum Roll Please……..Today, you are getting a huge treat. I decided in all my infinite funniness, that we should take a look at the lives of a smattering of my ex-boyfriends lives after the departure of Velvet. Here are their various claims to fame from entirely after we broke up.
- TheCop (also known as “CrazyCop” to some of you): We were together in 1994. After we broke up, he was accused of sexual harrassment by a woman he pulled over and he was subsequently thrown off the police force. It made the front page of the paper. Mom said, “Velvet, you really know how to pick ’em.”
- AlwaysDrunk: (also in 1994) Why I fell in love with this fucker I have no idea. After he publicly dumped me for the town whore, he was rumored to have slept with his ex-girlfriend from before me. Only she had slept with some electrician dude who gave her the herps. So, there’s a pretty good chance that AlwaysDrunk has the gift that keeps on giving.
- AtlantaBoy: (too many years to remember, but the breakup occured in 2003.) Became a meth addict and lost our dog. Then threatened my life in a voicemail.
- RockStar: (2004) Said the thought of breaking up with me made him sick to his stomach. But then in lieu of any real comfort from another relationship, he hooked up his webcam and his massively large penis became infamous online. He has a “following.”
- Redneck: (2001 on a “break” with AtlantaBoy) Moved back to Richmond to work things out with a wife he hates. Still calls me whenever he gets drunk to tell me he loves me. Who doesn’t?
- HighSchoolBF: (1991-3) High school boyfriend who worked at a gas station in my hometown as a mechanic. Can anyone do the math on how long ago we dated? If you said 12-14 years ago, you are right. Now, guess what? He still works in that same gas station. Oh, the future I missed out on…
- NewYorkItalian: (on and off for a while, but mostly in 1996) The only ex that I have a good relationship with. I ended things when I was at his apartment and he pretended to have diarrhea. But he took his cordless phone into the bathroom with him so he could call his ex-girlfriend back who had called when I was sitting there on the couch. Last time I saw him he flat out asked me to have sex with him. It was fucking cold in New York though, way too cold to take my boots off so that didn’t happen.
How depressing. My life is a mess. Or, looking on the bright side, the mere misfortune of a man losing Velvet in his life results in all sorts of casualties.