Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

So If I Capsize On Your Thighs High Tide B5 You Sunk My Battleship

I really had the most disturbing experience today. I’m trying to forget it, but I really need to discuss. Please be forewarned, you all will see me in a different light after today.

I am, as I have been for almost 8 years, a fan of the Brazilian Bikini Wax. Eight years ago, yes, they were virtually impossible to find and I had to do it myself. Then I discovered my treasure in Rockville and started “seeing” her, if you will. But the price kept going up and the drive to Rockville has become a pain since I am not working up there anymore so I started looking in town. The salon attached to my gym does Brazilians for half the price. I had to call to verify that they do “the whole thing” because some places won’t, and they leave the landing strip. I want no landing strip, I want it all off.

My appointment was today at 5. I’m used to going into a cozy room, being given disposable undies and a robe. The sargeant at this salon told me to drop my drawers. And I did. But then my legs were in all sorts of sexual positions and frankly, it was a little embarrassing, even for me, who fantasizes about a career as a stripper.

She’s all done in record time, and she says, “See? Smooth.” At this point she grabs my hand and puts it down there and starts RUBBING. And I’m trying to pull my hand away, and she takes it back and goes lower. I’m really scratching things off my Life-To-Do list. Now I’ve been masturbated by a Thai woman with my own hand.

Now, I know that I shouldn’t corrupt my new beautiful niece by posting her picture in the same blog as the masturbation entry, but, it’s too late. It’s a little blurry, mostly because those present at the birth admittedly don’t know a lot about cameras.


  1. Alicia

    thats pretty funny, but i feel sorry for your niece…you never know, 15 years from now, when the technology allows people to see blogs that are 15 years old, she might see this, and it might be a little disturbing for her…unless of course humans are more corrupted then and its normal to be masturbated by Thai women in a bikini wax place

  2. D.C.

    Now I’ve been masturbated by a Thai woman with my own hand.

    That’s the best line I’ve read all day. Thank you. The laughter was much needed.

    And welcome to the club.

    (And your niece is adorable, btw.)

  3. T

    Your niece is beautiful, but I am even more impressed by the Bloodhound gang reference in a bikini wax post. Although, from my perspective, it doesn’t sounds like The Bad Touch…

  4. Velvet

    T – it WAS a bad touch. Ugh! I feel so violated – by my own hand, nonetheless!

    Hi Alicia! You’re new. Welcome to the horrendus blog of my life.

    Damian – glad I could provide you with the line of the day!! 🙂

  5. T

    Hey – I don’t want to hear about your disgust. Please do not disturb my fantasy life. From your perspective, it may be a fragile, shimmering soap bubble of delusion, but from mine, it makes everything all rainbowy.

  6. I-66

    It could’ve been MUCH worse.

  7. DireWolf

    I find the brazilian wax a little disturbing. We’re supposed to have hair down there. Grown women don’t need to look like little girls.

    of course i fully recognize that it’s your skin, your choice and the stranger on a blog doesn’t get to input.

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