Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Don’t Know Where I’ll Be Crashing But I’m Arriving On A Sin Wagon

Have any of you ever seen these words appear on your computer?

Dear Customer:
We are sorry, but you have maxed out your time allotted for viewing movie trailers. Please come back and visit Excalibur Films again tomorrow.

Uh, in case you were wondering, yes, I saw those words today. I slept only from 2 a.m. until 5 a.m. again last night. No idea why. When I realized that I wasn’t going to fall back asleep, that the T.V. channels I like to watch are still in infomercial mode, that none of your blogs had possibly been updated yet, that the news hadn’t changed in three hours, and that there was no one awake to possibly talk to, I hopped online and started ordering porn. Eighty dollars later, I’m anxiously waiting for the UPS truck to stop by my door. Yes, yes, yes, I’m a woman and I love porn. It’s really amazing that no one has snatched me up yet, I know. But it’s interesting that the things men love about you in the beginning are the things that they end up hating about you most when you start having problems.

Once you place your order, your customer number allows you to view trailers for up to 30 days. Apparently there’s a daily time limit on that. I’ve never maxed it out in one sitting before though.

Christ. I’m pathetic. I have GOT to find a real man.



  1. T

    I called dibs!

  2. Berk

    sloppy seconds… DOH!

  3. Velvet

    Gentlemen, please. There is enough of Velvet to go around. We all know from the blog that I’m clearly in need of some good men!

  4. I-66

    Yeah but come on.. there’s plenty of it to be found free on the internet. Why pay?

  5. T

    In my experience, the difference is quality. Free porn found on the internet tends to involve Ron Jeremy and/or some bleach blonde woman making a run at the title, “Worst I’mplants Ever.” Although rather than visit Excalibur Films, I tend to utilize the services of emule – free feature-length movies delivered to your hard drive while you sleep.

  6. D.C.

    I’ve got the total hookup. A friend of mine works for a large streaming site that gets all sorts of titles. She slipped me a login ID and password and *blammo*, a glut of smut that would make Reuben Sturman proud. And she replenishes the minutes weekly. Success!

    Of course, since I’ve had to revert to using the decrepit machine at home, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been able to enjoy the services. Sadly, after this week, I could actually use it.

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