Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Coming Out of My Cage

Despite my sore throat, I did make it out of my house for the drag race. Lucky for me, I didn’t have very far to go. My actual location will remain nameless due to some craziness I’ve encountered as the author of this blog.

We had a fab spot by the finish line, but then some whore jumped in front of us and brought all her stupid bridge and tunnel friends with her and we no longer had a great view. (Steve Rubell may be dead, but he was damn good at what he did.) At that point I snarled to Brent, “People are assholes” and yes, she heard me. I think I was hoping for a fight. But she had nothing to say in response. I then of course wondered out loud, what would happen if I called 911 right now? Would any of these cops show up? (I have a growing hatred of the lazy D.C. police force, due to a number of incidents in which they could have easily done their job but chose instead to look the other way.)

Ok, everyone else has made their commentary on the drag race, I really don’t need to. I did see I-66 there and while I was dying to say hi, I didn’t want to scare him into thinking I was a stalker.

Last year it was better because 1) there were less assholes there and 2) the weather was acceptable enough for Velvet to wear her Halloween costume.

And speaking of freaks and Halloween, I have some more delights trying to contact me on Yahoo. Only….five….more….days….thank….goodness…..

Here’s my first gem:

Hey There,
Hilarious profile…you sound delightful, and I can do way better than that. I’m visiting DC from California for a week starting Friday and I’d love the company of a lovely young lady for dinner or drinks one evening, or more if we have fun! Email if you’d be interested or like to chat!

Well, it’s time to start having fun with these little peckers. Here we go:

Thanks for your truly offensive email but despite what you may think, I am not a call girl. I do not “do dinner or drinks or more” with men who are blowing through town for the week.

How about this one? What should I do with this slut?

Hi =)
I know a man named Russell and he is a delightful and attractive man who lives in Washington, DC and your profile matches his nicely – You would be a great match. Would you be willing to get in touch with him? Please let me know and I will send you more information if you are interested along with some pictures.

My name is Heather by the way. What’s yours?

Have a nice day,

P.S. Do you have a personal e-mail address to which I could send you his profile? It’s impossible to send pictures through yahoo.

Ok. I can’t even wait for your comments. I’m going in….

Yes yes, what a fabulous idea. I think it’s great to be set up by a woman-pimp in Oregon with a man here in D.C. I would LOVE to give you my personal email address. Here, while I’m at it, I would also like to provide you with my credit card numbers and home address, and spare keys to my car and house.

I love me right now. How funny is that? I am also wondering why these two weirdos both used the word “delightful.” Who uses that word? Come on.


  1. Sub Girl

    delightful is for grannies and grampas!

  2. FutureNeighbor?

    We should have hit the bitch. If it makes you feel better, I stepped on the back of her foot as we were pushed to the side by DC’s finest.

  3. Velvet

    She deserved it. She kept whipping her ponytail in my face. And how annoying that she was texting people the whole time? First, it’s insulting to your friends who you are with as if their company doesn’t mean crap and Second, you are at the DRAG Race, what could be more important than this, and well, THIRD, give up your front row seat if you don’t care.

    Wow. I’m really a bitch when I’m sick.

    B – would you be mine? Won’t you be mind? Won’t you be my neighbor.

  4. Kristin

    Delightful. Absolutely delightful.

    Glad to know that you even attact women-pimps in Oregon. That’s a pretty powerful profile.

  5. DireWolf

    heather might be legit. i have women friends who surf the online personals in order to try to set up friends and family members.

  6. Velvet

    Direwolf – What? Who does that? It’s creepy. And it gives all new meaning to the phrase “bored out of one’s mind.”

  7. DireWolf

    i dunno, there’s a reason some of those dating sites have a “referral” function.

    isn’t online dating kinda creepy overall?

  8. Velvet

    D – Yes, it’s creepy. But if it wasn’t so creepy, what would I write about?

  9. Crazy Girl City

    You obviously haven’t heard that ‘delightful’ is the word of the moment. Fabulous is so yesterday……..delightful is so today. ha.

    I actually have a friend who scanned the personals when I announced I was moving to DC. She is my best friend, but a very bored housewife. One day she called me up and said, “Please don’t be mad at me, but I went on yahoo personals and found some guys that you might be interested in. I’ve already scanned their profiles and emailed them about you… please don’t be mad at me.”

    I lover her to death, but come on now! I didn’t need her to set me up before I even got here. Needless to say, I never met any of the guys she selected. I did notice that her choices happened to be men that I think she would be more attracted to than I would be.

  10. Kathryn

    Not that I’d encourage Darren, but I read his “or more” to mean “one night or more,” not “dinner or drinks or more.” Just sayin’.

  11. Velvet

    CGC – I’ve been thinking about this all day. My brother is way shy, but even in my most outgoing moment, I would NEVER find a bunch of profiles for him and email the girl first. At most, I would do what your friend did – send them to you and let you decide.

    Kathryn – I have to post what Darren wrote back with. It’s pathetic. And yes, I think “and more” means sex. Was I born yesterday?

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