Online dating is almost over. Well, the Yahoo part. I can’t guarantee that I won’t dive onto another site, but for now, Yahoo is canceled as of 12/2/05 and I’m out baby! I’ll probably just dump my profile into the trash in the next few days anyway.
I’ve grown so bored with it that I have barely made an effort to check my messages or write back to anyone. If I do write back, it’s usually a one liner. Most people get the hint, but not all. So, let’s take a closer look at what you all have missed over the past few weeks since the last commentary.
1) A man whose title is “Can I Pay My Visa Bill With My Mastercard?” Where do I start with this? I pay my Visa bill in full, in cash, every month. There is no such thing as robbing Peter to pay Paul in my world. I no longer live (nor do I want to live) paycheck to paycheck. This is why I won’t date younger men who are not established. If I have to pay all the time, well then, what the hell do I need you for? Because we all know I already own a vibrator. Don’t even get me started on how he has written to me three times in a row despite the fact that I am not answering.
2) An email from someone who lives in Dumfries. Where the hell is that? Here’s what it said, without any editing:
“I promise you won’t have to run away from me unless you want to do it for sport im surprised that you lasted as long as you did its just to bad that some people dont know how to treat people when on a date I can definately improve upon your experiencewith that date. if your interested and want to talk let me know.”
Have you ever heard of Punctuation? I’ll give you a hint, it’s these things: , : ; ! . ? –
3) Someone who substituted something similar to “War and Peace” in their profile sent me an email telling me to check them out. I am so out of energy. Here’s what I wrote: “Whoa. Your profile is way too long. Can you make me a top five list or something? Just the bullet points.” Uh, I haven’t heard back from him. He was sort of cute too. Damn.
4) Here’s a good email from a fake man who doesn’t even have the balls to post a profile. So there’s nothing to write back to.
“In a nutshell, you description of your last date had me crying. Crying in a good way. Laughing/crying. Laughing to the point of tears. Yes, I feel bad for you, but it cracked me up. If there was a prize for originality, you win. Hands down. In fact, you’d be the only winnner and the award would be retired.
More nutshell: I forked over the $20 to rejoin just to tell you that. I guess that’s what you’d call inspiration. Here’s hoping you never have to go through that hell again!”
Great. That man is probably my husband and now I can’t find him.
As I looked through all these messages, I’m hit by the distinct reality that many of these men who contact me are in no way close to what I have specified that I would like. But yet, they try anyway. Why is it that women constantly settle for less and men constantly strive to achieve better? You never really see an incredibly hot man with brains, great job, money, with a piss poor woman who is just average in the looks department. But you will often see the opposite.
There are so many versions of men trying to talk me into dating them, despite the fact that they are not even close to my age, close to D.C., or that they have a bunch of kids with another woman. I think it’s time to retire this profile. Perhaps there will be better men on another site. Does anyone have any suggestions?