I’m having a very strange feeling. It’s another deep one, so stop reading now if you are going to accuse me of boring you to death.
I feel like the rest of me has arrived. Not “arrived” in the financial or social sense, but arrived at the place in my life that I’m supposed to be. This isn’t related to anything with my career – it’s relationship stuff. I have this feeling like I’m finally at the party, so to speak, that I finally “get it,” am finally in the club. And in feeling this, it seems as if the half of me just got here (uh, Velvet1?) and was greeted by the other half (we’ll call her Velvet2) who has been here all along. Velvet2 says, “Thank goodness you made it. We were all so worried.”
For my entire dating and relationship career, I have found it very easy to fall in love. In the past, I allowed myself to be courted, I participated in the chase, had that feeling of missing him, wondering when he would call, debating on calling him. I played all the games. I’ve had all the games played with me. But with all those broken hearts and near misses on relationships, I’ve lost all of those feelings of excitement. With Date Eight from last Friday night – it seemed like I could like him. It took three full days, until last Monday, to realize that I hadn’t heard from him. Then it took another three minutes to realize that I don’t care.
So this begs the question. Do I not care because I really don’t like him? Or do I not care because again, sigh, the touchy feely emotional part of me is dead?
Through the years, when a guy I liked didn’t call, or didn’t call back, it took a toll on me. I slowly became like an anxious, nervous mess, wondering if I would ever hear back. In my earlier dating years, I would make excuses for him. In my later dating years I would try to put it out of my head until I heard back from him. In any case, I always called friends and pontificated on what he could be thinking, analyzing everything he had said to me at our last encounter. Mostly my friends just backed me up and reinforced that yes, he likes me but must be stuck under a bus. Of course, after “the book,” some of those friends would tell me, “You have to read ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.'” While the heart was breaking, I always wished I could be “more like a guy” and just not care.
Be careful what you wish for. I’m at the party and I’m not so sure this is the party where I want to be. My emotions no longer control me. But the odd realization is that I don’t control them either. They are seemingly absent, and I can’t turn on the excitement and rush that goes with meeting someone new. I wonder if I have the capacity to love, or even the ability to fall into “like” with someone and date for a few months. Is the ability to get excited about someone new, to nervously anticipate a phone call, to care enough to censor what I’m saying now gone? Or am I just oversaturated in the dating and relationship stuff (it has been a busy six months) and temporarily worn down?
For those of you who have emailed me or commented about wishing you could turn off your emotions, I’m on the fence. I really don’t know which way is better. I hated that feeling of the unrequited like or love; but I hate this non-emotion as well. It’s a tough call on which is the preferred method.
Not a tough call… I’m sure of it! The boy I like doesn’t like me back and I’d be soooooooo much better off if I didn’t care. ‘Sides, I’m just about positive that you’ll get all your touchy-feely back just as soon as you meet the right one. And until then, you’ll be protected from heart break! You’re in a good place.
hmm..i think,…congrats! i think maybe it’s just being more aware/but less sensitive to stuff. perhaps to do with maturing? become more mellow? believe me, i think not caring so much is less draining on yourself. i think i agree with jo, when you meet the right one, it’ll come back.
and, i emailed you!
You can never turn off your emotions. You can keep them at bay (like a dam) but sooner or later it’ll break open.
Better to have it trickle out over time than a huge flood, if you know what I mean.
I don’t think it means that you’re not emotional about things anymore, but rather that you know not to analyze and worry about every single thing. You don’t owe Date 8 anything, and he doesn’t owe you anything. So, he doesn’t call…so what. Sometimes it’s worth more to know that you had a good night and a good conversation with someone – than to worry about if it was with THAT special someone. You’ve learned to accept that, and it doesn’t mean you don’t feel or care. It just means you’re mature enough to say, that was nice and not take it as a personal insult that he didn’t call you. Have you called back every guy who has ever shown interest or that you have gone out with? Probably not. It happens.
Of course, what do I know? I’m experiencing the longest dating drought in the world and caught up in unrequited crushes. 🙂
And sorry for the long comment.
I definitely do not think you are void of emotions, if that were truly the case – you wouldn’t have cared enough to even post this on your blog. Maturity, self confidence and self awareness are what make you stop worrying/analyzing if the certain guy is going to call you, what they are thinking, etc. You realize that if they don’t call you, it is their loss… not yours. When the time and the person are right… those feelings you think are long gone will come back. May sound idealistic, but it’s true.
Oh kids, I hope you are all correct in that my feelings will come back when I meet someone worth it. I can’t take walking around like the living dead anymore.
ahhh you’ll know when you find him.. have no fear.
I’m with i-66. I know that feeling of “blah,” and it’s not a commentary on you as much as them.
Or you could be a stark raving lesbian in denial. I don’t know about these things, at all, honestly.