It’s back. My “I don’t give a shit” attitude is back. I don’t know who invited it, but here it is.
I was in Michigan last weekend visiting the cutest baby in the world. Prior to jetting off for the airport, I answered that email from CL#4NewJersey. Last. Thursday. And. I. Haven’t. Heard. Back. I don’t even care anymore. The thought of him doesn’t make my heart pitter patter anymore. I know, I know, we all had hope. I sure did. What can I do?
I posted another ad on Craigslist yesterday afternoon and collected a few dozen replies. But I’m not in the mood to write anything witty or be charming.
It is a little sad to have this thing with CL#4NewJersey die out like this, after three intense and wonderful dates, but, my sister-in-law asked me an important question when I was in Michigan: “How did his last relationship end?” I dropped my jaw and said, “He told me they just drifted apart.” So, there it is.
My sister-in-law’s sister (my inspiration for getting a motorcycle) suggested I contact him again. I can’t. I cannot possibly force myself to call or write again. I cannot text under the pretense that “perhaps he didn’t get my last email.” I have to be aggressive in so many other areas of my life, that it drains me. Dating and relationships is the one place I can’t be aggressive. First, it violates my principle that if a man likes you, he will make the effort. And second, it’s just not my style. I want to be chased. I want to be pursued. I want to feel the rush of someone blowing off everything else in their life for me.
So, I guess I’ll take a little break from dating, then jump back in – probably by Monday I’ll be better.
“If he likes you he will make the effort.”
Too True. Being apathetic is a deal killer.
1/25/2006 10:23:21 AM
Washington Cube said…
I’m not saying that women are never responsible for the “not answering back,” but it usually seems to be the guys, doesn’t it, and like all women, I hate it. And what evidence do you have to work on? In your perceptions everything was going well, and you like to think you can tell a bad date from a good one, and then…nothing. So you contact the man and then…nothing.
Please don’t contact him again, for whatever reason there is. He got the e-mail. You got your non-answer. We’ve all hit those walls of silence. Every woman has. It’s very frustrating. It’s very sad.
Maybe I’m naive, but I tend to hold the old school belief as well, that if he’s really in to you, he will walk through mountains to see you again. Apathy is disspiriting, and I’m sorry you had to go through this.
1/25/2006 10:33:49 AM
Hmmm, now that the shoe is on the other foot, perhaps I can be the Dr. Scholl to your Dr. Phil? I don’t know what that means by the way.
Why not shoot an email mail, even if it’s only to say “you know, at work if a total stranger calls me, I return the call…it’s common curtesy. If your not interested, just say so, but be a man about it [insert pithy comment about his diminuitive genitals]. Love, Velvet.”
I think you will feel better about it if you get some closure, even if it’s just symbolic.
1/25/2006 10:58:48 AM
Sandra Dee said…
I think it’s just a woman’s nature to be unagressive in the dating world. I’m working on trying to hold back with a guy right now. Yet – why is it that the guys who always DO end up chasing you end up being creep-os?!
1/25/2006 10:59:23 AM
I’m sorry that it kind of fell apart. The non-answer is a killer; we’ve all been there, it always sucks. I would say don’t bother writing back. Yeah, you might hear from him, but the cycle will undoubtedly just start again. Now you can walk away feeling frustrated, which will fade, but if you let it go on there will only be more negative feelings. I know I’ve asked myself “how stupid can I be??” after trying to chase down a guy, certainly don’t wish that on anyone else!
1/25/2006 11:11:57 AM
you’re right in not contacting him again, as much as it sucks. A situation similar to this happened to one of my friends recently. Things were going really well, they were connecting, and then nada. Sometimes I think guys can freak themselves out when it comes to the relationship thing, even if you weren’t asking for one.
1/25/2006 11:48:29 AM
I agree, don’t contact him again. The ball is already in his court. It sucks not having closure, but the world is not black and white all the time, unfortunately. Stand your ground – being chased is the way to go. The right one WILL chase you and you won’t have to worry about games.
1/25/2006 12:00:45 PM
Dating is so damn frustrating at times, no? Us lady-folk are told that we can have whatever we want in this life, we go after fab. careers and lifestyles that our great-grandmothers could only dream about. Yet when it comes to dating we still feel like we need to be pursued. No one likes to be *that* girl who calls/emails/texts just a few times too often. Sadly, we still live in a world of duplicity.
1/25/2006 12:02:28 PM
I love all you bloglings! Your advice is awesome.
Trueborn – His apathy or mine?
Cube – You’re right, on all counts. The wall of silence – I just don’t get it.
Ninja – I…just…can’t! I ain’t callin!
Sandra Dee – we may have different friends. I routinely have to talk my friends out of calling non-stop and stalking. But it seems to me that the girls who do that end up convincing the guy to come back. Granted, it’s not a healthy relationship.
Anon – You’re right about this cycle. I figure if I do hear from him, it will be Friday when he wants to go out this weekend. If the weekend comes and goes, with no word, it’s safe to say I won’t hear from him again.
Larissa – But he’s an adult, and in his first email to me he said he was looking for something lasting. Freaked or not, jump in man! You’re 35.
Anon #2 – You’re also correct. I agree. I have decided to give all my relationships closure where I can – i.e. I will tell someone it’s not working for me. Is it so much to expect the same in return?
1/25/2006 12:16:15 PM
hey ladies–everyone likes to be pursued, and no one likes to chase after anyone. they/we will chase after… but it doesn’t mean we like it. how would you like to be on the other end of it for once, eh? what if you “walked over mountains” for some guy that was just going say, “oh, hi… how was your walk over?”
i’m a guy… now single, imagine that… who loves being pursued. i never work for women. i’ll put all the effort into a relationship, but i’m not going chasing after some unknown person.
you obviously see things the same way… well, most of you… and it’s pretty obvious that men and women need to meet each other half way. the best men don’t see the need to run after some woman they just met. and the best women aren’t clingers. so… we both need to make some new effort.
1/25/2006 12:18:58 PM
His of course. If he can’t be bothered to call you. You’re own apathy could be a response to his.
It’s a shame.
He seemed promising.
1/25/2006 12:19:23 PM
you may hear from him again velvet. for all of us who have dated losers (sorry) like him, if you do, think hard before you are so willing to see him again. once apathetic, there is always a chance he will be passively abusive again. I have met a few like this, given them a second chance and always kick myself. It is just some guys nature….
also, i think back to the ones I have met like this. The warning signs that create doubt are ALWAYS there.
You will find a guy who doesn’t ever make you doubt him.
1/25/2006 12:20:05 PM
Crazy Girl City said…
Yeah def do not contact him again. That’s my thing….if they want to see you, then they will. If not, fuck em and move on to the next.
1/25/2006 12:22:17 PM
I’m going to post something on this topic tomorrow–but the short story is that you both have to be present to make things work.
He is not there and it doesn’t matter why–though I’m sure it’s got nothing (directly) to do with you. You were there and willing. He is not. Now you are making the wise decision to move on–something I probably wouldn’t be able to do. Next time, though, I’m going to be stronger.
It takes a lot of strenth not to pursue him–you should give yourself more credit.
1/25/2006 12:29:34 PM
I’m with ya on this one Velvet. Screw him. Ummm, not literally.
1/25/2006 01:08:35 PM
You should contact him.
Just to let him know that rash he has is herpes.
I’m just sayin.
1/25/2006 01:13:36 PM
I don’t chase men that don’t chase back. Good on you for not contacting him again. I am sure he will contact you one more time, at which point you can close it up and tell him that you have no interest in him because he has shown no real interest in you and be done with it. Don’t bother yourself to see him in person to do it. What a flake.
How’s the leg?
1/25/2006 01:21:27 PM
haha johnny! good thought for cldater4 – that would make him think…
1/25/2006 02:48:51 PM
1) I have to concur with the majority here as has to do with whether to contact him. Don’t. The ball’s in his court and, if he’s decided not to play, you can’t make him.
2) Can we stop with this (paraphrasing) “he’ll make the effort” stuff? I understand how it applies here, don’t get me wrong. But this is no blanket rule, I hope, because that essentially would absolve women of all dating effort which is an absolutely preposterous notion. A good bit of what I’m reading here (exception: anon at 12:18, for example) there seems to be that exact prevailing idea. Someone prove me wrong.
1/25/2006 02:49:53 PM
pop quiz, who sings this–
“I don’t know where we went wrong
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back”
1/25/2006 03:00:18 PM
I think you’re over-reacting a bit. Email is weird. Sometimes you don’t get them, sometimes you get them and they seem so casual that you don’t need to reply or shouldn’t reply. I never take it personally if anyone, romantic involvement or not, doesn’t return an email. A phone call, that’s a different story, especially if I say in the message, “give me a call” or words to that effect.
1/25/2006 03:10:16 PM
Jessie – it’s true. My grandparents, even, would be shocked to know how well I’m doing career-wise and money-wise.
Anon #3 – You bring an interesting point. You won’t work for women you don’t know. It’s a thought, but, if I entertained that, then I would shift the whole balance of power in the relationship. I put in all the effort with my ex from the beginning, and he never joined the party.
ChicGirl – You’re hopefully right. I am tired of doubting these men. When are we gonna get lunch? I keep stalking you in your email…see, I have no problem pursuing YOU!
CrazyGirl – as always, thanks!
Jamy – It does take a lot of strength to not call, but I’ve actually lost my desire to call anyway.
Johnny – Ick!
Siryn – I love this – you’re right. If I do hear from him, I am going to say it just like that – I have lost interest dude. The leg is still in bandaids. For those who don’t know, Velvet is a klutz.
I66 – But I started the email ball rolling last week with the Warhol link. So I did try. He’s just not trying back.
Johnny – DAMN! That’s from “If You Could Read My Mind” I think sung by Ghost? Or something like that? Anyway, hilarious, because that is on my list of song lyrics that I will use in a post one day. You’re right to point out that I should have used it here. Perhaps I still can…
Direwolf – OMG! You’re back. How the hell are you?
I’ll try not to overreact, but he’s been flaky all along.
1/25/2006 03:46:45 PM
We can take a break together love.
1/25/2006 03:48:00 PM
Velvet – I know.
Can we stop with this (paraphrasing) “he’ll make the effort” stuff? I understand how it applies here, don’t get me wrong.
That was meant to say that the burden of effort in this situation falls to him. You’ve done your dating duty, by my estimation. My contention is the grand supposition here (nay, mandate) that evidently “the guy must try” which is supremely frustrating on a number of levels.
1/25/2006 03:52:05 PM
Frustrating – how? Because you want some reciprocation? I know men need it, but I think that the guy tries 75% and the girl kicks in 25% of effort. In the beginning anyway.
1/25/2006 04:22:56 PM
I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with Velvet on this one. I think I-66 is right–it’s not fair to put all the burden on men. I tend to play it on a case-by-case basis (if he’s more take charge, I’ll let him have at it), but ideally it should be a 50-50 deal. Calls get returned, emails are answered, people take turns paying and the woman does her fair share of the asking out. That’s how I’d like it to be, anyway.
1/25/2006 05:01:38 PM
anon #3/12:18 here. velvet-you should consider dropping the power dynamics before dropping the idea of equal effort from the start. power dynamics is what killed your relationship. if your last ex had figured he had to work from the beginning, he probably wouldn’t have gotten so lazy. next time, it could be you that gets lazy.
1/25/2006 05:35:35 PM
Jamy – I know, but it’s just not my style. I often cringe when my girlfriends call over and over, show up at their beau’s house, it scares me. And I don’t want to be “that girl.” You know that a lot of guys like to lump us together as “crazy.” I try to make sure that I’m true to myself first.
Anon #3 – I am not sure I understand what you are saying. There are no “power dynamics.” It’s a simple post about me having sent an email that is now unanswered and thereby deciding that I won’t pursue contact. I didn’t create the “power dynamics.”
It’s possible the “last ex” as you call him, just wasn’t that into me.
1/25/2006 09:06:30 PM
velvet–i, anon #3, was referring to this comment that you left: “…I would shift the whole balance of power in the relationship. I put in all the effort with my ex from the beginning, and he never joined the party.”
wasn’t referring to the post. my last relationship ended when a power dynamic was introduced (9 months in!). it became a race to see who could grab that power, and as soon as someone (me) did, the whole thing crumbled. jealousy, yelling, cursing… all these things that had never happened before were suddenly there. it was really sad.
1/26/2006 12:51:45 PM