I have been mum on updating the NewJersey situation. It’s a rollercoaster, so please, buckle up.
After leaving the proverbial ball in his court, he sent an email last Tuesday saying that he left his phone at work and would call me the following evening. He called as he was getting in the car to leave work. I was in a meeting for my condo board, so I told him I would have to call him back. I said, “Are you going to pick up the phone?” He said if for some reason he didn’t, he would definitely call me back before the evening was out. I called at 9:15, of course got voicemail, and he called back at 10:00 p.m. Lucky for me, he started. And he started quite rapidly, obviously he had stuff to say. None of it was bad.
NJ: Let me just say that the not calling you back thing was wrong. The whole movie situation was a mess, I didn’t know my ringer was on and I was really strugging to get it turned off and didn’t realize I hung up on you. And I got your very sweet text message that you were thinking about me, and I was thinking about you that day too, in fact, I was thinking about you the day before too, but it just like, doesn’t occur to me to write back. And I know that doesn’t make it right but…
Me: Ok. Well, the hanging up on me thing was out of hand. And you have to get that it robs any sort of security I have with you that we’re actually making progress when things like this happen.
NJ: I know. And you and I haven’t talked at all about what we’re doing, what the long term potential is.
Me: Well, the night you came over you were very drunk – yes you brought it up on the phone, and all.
NJ: Oh no. Please don’t hold me to anything I said that night. I was really drunk.
Me: I know. You knew. Because on the phone you said you wanted to talk about it, but when you came over you said you had things to say but couldn’t say them because you were too drunk.
NJ: Oh. Phew. Well. I suppose I’m going to put you on the spot then, what are you thinking about this, and me?
NJ: I know well…
Me: No. I’ll go first. It’s fine. I shall consider it my punishment for sending the email. Which by the way was far from the easiest thing I’ve done. I swear it sat in my drafts for a good 4 hours before I sent it.
NJ: I never thought that it was easy.
Me: I know but I think that I actually was like, physically sick when I sent that. And that’s how I know how I feel about you. I don’t consciously sit around thinking about how I feel, it just comes to me. So I see how I react to things like that, or the fact that I’ll get 20 emails in the morning but I open yours first, and think ‘uh oh I’m in trouble’ and that’s just how I know. I’m prioritizing you above other stuff. Not a good sign, depending on how you look at it.
Me: Shit. Are you laughing at me?
NJ: I’m laughing with you. Ok. So is that it?
Me: Uh, yeah.
NJ: Ok, well I approach the whole thing differently. I have in my mind this list of things that I need to keep pursuing a relationship. Obviously we’ve made it past a few dates, so that’s good.
Me: Yes. We have good banter. Agreed.
NJ: Well, this is about to get really deep. And I don’t know that we should be doing this on the phone, but I think we have to talk this out now because it’s gone too far.
NJ: Well, I want kids. I know I want kids. And I’m not getting younger. I’m not 25 anymore, so I can’t be screwing around with people who don’t want the same things I do.
NJ: and you don’t have to answer this now, but it is something I need to know. I want to be a Dad, and I know that for sure.
Me: I can answer it now. I think we talked about this, in fact I know we did because I said then the same thing I will say now. Based on the way I feel about the doggies, I know that it would be a natural progression for me. And while I was probably averse to it for most of my life, once my niece came along, I think it changed my whole world, and I just told my brother that she like, brought out this thing in me to have kids. But I’m not a psycho about it, and I don’t want to be one of those people doing it when I’m 45 either. It sort of has to happen sooner than later I guess, otherwise not at all. It’s not going to ruin my life if it doesn’t happen. Make sense?
NJ: Ok. Yes.
NJ: Well. I don’t know where to go from here. I mean, I want to keep talking about this. I think we need to.
Me: Yup. And sorry for the email.
NJ: The email wasn’t bad. I didn’t find it whiny, needy or out of line. You are within your right to know what’s going on.
Me: It’s easier to kiss something bye when it’s not giving you what you want in the time allowed I suppose.
NJ: Well, we’re still in the getting to know you phase.
Me: I know.
NJ: I mean, I wouldn’t say we’re on sure footing, because we are still in this stage, but we’re headed there. It’s only been like half a dozen dates.
Me: I know.
NJ: Ok. Well, I think that I’ve been able to say what I wanted to say. Is there anything else you want to say?
Me: Look it happened to me once before where I dated someone a long time and just couldn’t open my mouth to tell him what I was thinking. And I’m not trying to scare you, so don’t read into this, but it went on a long time and I was basically in love with him, and he gave me all the chances to say something and I never did. So I promised myself if I ever had strong feelings for someone again that I would have to tell them. So there.
NJ: Ok. So, I think we should still see each other and go from there.
NJ: It will be hard to move to a non-deep conversation after this. And I have to call my mom which is a whole other story right now.
NJ: So you don’t hate me?
Me: Nope. Far from hating you.
NJ: Good. We’ll talk soon?
So that was Wednesday night. I got to work Thursday, and felt not great about it, but okay. I had my hour of power therapy and told the therapist everything. I thought she was going to be on the Velvet & NJ side, but she was far far from it.
Two things basically came out of my hour with her. The first was her statement that he is so far from treating me right. She said he’s playing games and I deserve better. My retort was that perhaps he really is socially inept, and I never give anyone a chance – who better to give a bit of a chance to than someone I could actually fall in love with?
The second thing that came out of the hour was my statement: A man who says that he wants kids more than anything and is basically looking for a place in which to spread his seed is fucking scary. Again: FUCKING SCARY. I’m not averse to the idea, but I don’t think that marriage and kids belong in the same bundle for everyone. I think that my attitude about this is the true way to go – I could see kids in my future, but I’m more committed to the idea of finding a man I can love forever and live with forever, than a man who would be a good father. If I find someone wonderful, but he happens to travel a lot, or wouldn’t be a good father for some other valid reason, I would never kick him to the curb. For me, the relationship part is the more important piece. The kids are secondary to an incredible relationship.
Friday comes and goes. Nothing from the NJ camp.
Saturday morning I hauled ass up to South Jersey (yeah, I get the joke) of all places, to visit my Great-Uncle in a retirement home. There’s a lot to write about this visit, but at one point he looked at me and said, “Velvet, pick a good one.” I said, “What?” He said, “Ask a lot of questions, listen very carefully to what he says, and pick a good one.” I could have cried. I said, “I’m trying. I promise you.”
Saturday night I drove back to D.C. and really sort of realized that NewJersey, absent in my life again, was, well, probably not going to make good on any of his promises. Despite the fact that he seemed to show that he didn’t want me to end it, despite the fact that he seemed incredibly interested in continuing the talk in person, despite, well, whatever. I got home to this email.
So another weekend has gone by and I have not called you. You have not called me either, but I understand that the guy is expected to initiate these things for the most part.
The bottom line is that I cannot reciprocate the feelings you expressed to me the other day on the phone. I like you and enjoy spending time with you, but can’t say that I feel that extra special something. (as you described it, the impulse to open your email first). I don’t say these things to hurt you; I just feel it’s better to get everything out in the open. The last thing I want to do is play games with you or waste your time.
I don’t know what else to say. Of course there’s a chance you will just tell me to fuck off, and that’s your right. But, I certainly did/do not intend to hurt you and find it’s better to express this stuff earlier rather than later.
Ladies and gents: I have turned in my resignation as “NewJersey’s Punching Bag,” effective immediately. I did not write back. I will not write back, ever. I deleted his number and all his text messages out of my phone. I would break his CD into a thousand pieces, like he broke my heart, but, alas, it’s a Beastie Boys classic, and I’m going to add it to my collection.
I have to do the reply, but only for you to see. I promise, this is just my own therapy.
How positively cowardly of you to send me an email to end things when we have been dating for two months. You’ve proven yourself a real standup guy, and I appreciate you taking the time to elicit every emotion out of me in the last seven days, including reviving my hope on Wednesday that you and I stood a chance.
Please note that I’m no longer protecting your words from the blog. Your email was copied and pasted, to Velvet in Dupont, who by the way, will one day make you sorry you were such an ass.
It’s not an idle threat, it’s not my anger talking. Something very serious is happening with this blog that I can’t discuss, but believe this. One day you just might see this reply I’ve written. Only it won’t be in your email inbox. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Dearest Readers: I’m ok. My shell is a little tougher because of the emotional rollercoaster I have been on with this guy. I have to say – he did a good job faking the chemistry. A real good job. My bullshit-ometer is pretty well tuned. But I missed this one. I know – a lot of you didn’t. I have to remind myself that 3rd parties can sometimes see this stuff easier. I’m going to try to listen to you all a little more in the future. Anyway, the comments are on. Feel free…you can tell me that the book never lies. You can tell me whatever you want. I should have listened, but I just couldn’t make my heart catch up to what my head already knew.