So this weekend I had a dream that all in the same day, I walked my dogs with Nicole Kidman, ate lunch with Jennifer Lopez and went to the dry cleaners with Jenna Jameson. La Kidman loved Sammy and Thora, I told J. Lo that she’s much nicer now that Marc Anthony straightened her out and Jenna J and I talked porn and strippers. Um…I think there’s a problem when your guilty pleasures of celebrity gossip and porn stars infect your slumber. I might need to suspend my subscriptions to US Weekly and Excalibur Films…
Anyway, the Queen of Quantity and I went out Saturday night to the 18th Street Lounge. Between the things that happened to us, and the conversations that ensued (between us and with others) it was an enlightening evening of Human Nature of the sexes. Long before venturing out Saturday night, I’ve had my own opinions of what people will do when it comes to dating and the potential for love. Men have this code: “Bros before Ho’s.” Women, well, we don’t seem to have that code. I’ve watched seemingly confident women who profess they have no trouble finding boys to date, step over and stab their friends in the back for a man they barely know. Watching these women trade friendship to become pathetic and needy is always interesting. For me, these women are the ones I bid “Good Fucking Riddance” to. And people always get what they deserve. This never pans out the way the woman expects, but does she ever wonder why she chose to jettison the friend for the man? Probably not. At least not the selfish whores. And I laugh at selfish, pathetic whores, so all this works out fine for me.
So, back to present time. Seated on the 18th Street Lounge patio, the place starts to get crowded. A man circles and approaches. Here we go. “Hi Ladies, can I ask you a question?” We nod. He says, “Do you find it hard to meet people here?” Um. Okay. Now I’m disgusted. Every time I am approached at a bar, I try to be nice, as I imagine my poor brothers and male friends at bars approaching women across the country. I wouldn’t want a woman to be a nasty bitch to my brothers or my friends, so I’m not a nasty bitch when I’m hit on. But, we are pleasant as continues into his best technique lifted direct from “The Game.” His friend approaches, says something to him, then we are all introduced. It was just too staged. Men. Please. The best line you can use in a bar is, “Hi, my name is ____.” The rest of it just sounds too contrived.
Anyway, Neil Strauss Junior and his friend start speaking in Spanish (WTF??) and that allows me to turn my bitch on and turn my head completely away from them, back to the Queen of Quantity. They get the hint and leave. Um. What the hell was that? You’re going to come over, and try your best, and you don’t get shot down, and then your little friend comes over and you turn on the Espanol? They asked if we spoke Spanish, and while I have a working knowledge of it, they were just making it too hard.
The Queen of Quantity and I go back to talking. A man backs into the Queen of Quantity, unaware that she’s sitting there, and I say, “Hey, you’re about to sit in my friend’s lap.” He turns around and says, “Sorry. I got pushed. Hi, my name is Chris.” (Much better than the last dude that came over here, Chris.) Chris ends up being a very nice, very genuine boy. But I say boy because he and his 25 friends arrived at the 18th Street Lounge via the Party Bus for some girl’s birthday party. (Birthday girl by the way was wearing all the blue eyeshadow that the world has produced since 1981, the year of her birth.)
As this guys friends see he is chatting away two girls, they start coming over one by one. First we meet “Mr. High Five Goldchains.” Then we meet “Mr. I got sunburned but only on my nose so I look like Rudolph.” Chris was nice. Those next two, downright scary – not for any reason other than their damn aura was screaming “I just got in here with my fake ID” even though they all said they were 25 or 26. (Lie lie big fat lie.) I said something that Mr. High Five Goldchains thought was funny, and he attempted to high five me. People. Please. High fives are meant for THE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD ONLY. I then proceeded to bitch slap him for 25 minutes about how he would never pick up a decent girl with that high fiving routine.
So while we’re all talking, one of the girls from the party bus gang comes over and grabs Mr. High Five Gold Chains and says through her gritted teeth, “Um….what are you doing over here???” I said to him, “Your girlfriend wants you to return to their group.” He said he didn’t have a girlfriend, blah blah. That makes that exchange even funnier, for a woman will ALWAYS piss all over her guy friends like a damn dog, just so he can’t get with anyone else. Again I ask, why? When I was her age, I went out with my brother’s best friend all the time (because we found ourselves both single and living in the same town) and he would pick the girl and I would hunt her down. I always got him the girl he wanted. Why don’t women do this for their guy friends? I’m always more than happy to see a guy friend make progress with a woman, and if I can help, even better. Life, you see, isn’t controlled by us, even though we think it is. We can help it along, but why get in the path of two people who might be interested in each other? So to the little 24 year old girl wearing the giant turquoise stone around her neck and insane jealousy on her sleeve??? Get a clue.
Queen of Quantity and I proceed to discuss, during a moment alone, that a man’s height will directly affect his aggressiveness factor. The tall guys are the ones who just stand around acting cool, waiting to be approached. The short guys are SO FREAKING AGGRESSIVE. I have seen this play out time and time again. What is that all about – is it like a “I have nothing to lose” theory? I remember two years ago my friend Sara and I went out with a guy friend of ours and he brought along this little pint size man, probably around 5 feet tall. Maybe 5’1. Anyway, every time Sara got more than a couple inches away from him on the dance floor, he would aggressively grab her back, as if to say, “You’re mine, don’t go anywhere.” Very odd.
Exit 18th Street Lounge, stage left.
We made our way to Biddy Mulligan’s in the circle. Surprisingly, the QofQ (I had to shorten that shit, it was way out of hand) saw someone she knew quite well. He, in all his hotness, with all his friends, in all their hotness, came over to our table. The night was looking up, finally, if not for the adult company who didn’t arrive via “party bus.” One of the men started bargaining with me for my Prada bag. I kept saying no and he kept upping the ante. People are weird. Then they all left because one of the guys wanted to check out another bar, and I went to the restroom. When I came back. the QofQ had a visitor. Um. Sorry I left you alone.
She’s talking to this guy and her eyes are glazing over. He turns to me and starts saying something about how he hates that everyone asks the “What do you do for work” question. Now, I don’t mind this question, and I don’t see the reason that so many people hate it, but to each his own. I guess it can be offensive for people in professions who then get attacked for advice. The QofQ said when she’s not interested in a man she says she’s a nanny and that sends them running. Then the conversation took the turn so I asked him what he did for work. And he snapped back with “What do you do???” I said, “I’m a nanny.” When he finally answered, this is what he said:
“I work for a middle eastern think tank.” He went on to explain it, but I had had just about enough at that point. Then HIS friend came over (Christ, is there a patent on this fucking routine?) and the QofQ’s man friends came back, rescuing us from further inane conversation.
What did we learn?
1) Women need to figure out how to stick together and stop selling out their girlfriends for some dick. (Literally, figuratively.)
2) “Hi my name is” is the only acceptable line.
3) Don’t cockblock your friends, male or female.
4) Don’t high five anyone. Ever.
5) Short men are sometimes (eek…most times I’ve seen) over aggressive.
Wow – – – And I just posted on why I avoid bars, LOL!!!!!!!
It is sad, how women treat each other when it comes to “ketching yer man.” We have it pounded into us from girlhood that we’re nothing without a man, and other women are at worst the enemy, or at best someone to retreat to when we’re manless.
When will it sink into our heads that our (true) girlfriends are worth more than 99% of the men we’ll meet in any bar?
That said, the shallow male-dependent sort-of-girlfriend can be useful if you don’t want to go to the local watering hole alone and your REAL friends aren’t available. Just set your rules up front: What do you owe each other? Every woman for herself and you don’t go home together, OR, you stick together to watch each others’ backs?
‘Ive watched seemingly confident women who profess they have no trouble finding boys to date, step over and stab their friends in the back for a man they barely know.’
Totally hear you on this. Had a ‘friend’ do the same to me, except she had him tell me about it. Not so nice.
Man, I’ll never get the guy-friend cockblock. Assuming you don’t want to sleep with them, why get in the way of someone who does want to sleep with them?
Thanks for visiting, Velvet, and for the entertaining posts!
Women need to figure out how to stick together and stop selling out their girlfriends for some dick. (Literally, figuratively.)
This line actually caused my heart to stop for a few moments, as it was that funny. 🙂
As far as the “aggressive short guys” thing goes, I imagine that most short guys feel like they have something to prove–that they can be as confident and masculine as tall guys, or even men of average height, since they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they aren’t looked on as favorably as potential mates or hookups. Tall guys know that they’re favored by both short AND tall women, so they can afford to just lay it back and play cool.
One thing I’ve learned (not least from talking to you) is that confidence isn’t determined by genetics, but by attitude and personality. If you carry yourself well, engage your potential date and capture their interest, and don’t act needy or like some caveman, more often than not you’ll make inroads. At least, that’s how I do things. 🙂
After yet another night of debauchery myself—I agree. I gave up those girls that diss their OWN girls for guys a long time again and I still have a huge group of girlfriends that would NEVER dick over a friend for a boy….but there are always those who will and all I can say is–Karma is a bitch and when it doesnt work out and your before friends are gone hanging out with their REAL friends…good luck having someone to cry to. 🙂
haha… this definitely needs to make the ‘Best of Velvet’ list. GFR to needy and pathetic!! And to cockblocking friends, which makes you look pathetic.
The only guys friends I wouldn’t help get with a girl are the ones I have a crush on. And that has only been the case a few times. Usually I’m all about trying to help my guy friends out. I’m hoping in the karma thing and one day they’ll help me out:)
For what it’s worth, I find short men are better in bed. They try harder . . . 😉
Your dream is a preview of your fame, once you write your book.
Good rules, btw.
“So to the little 24 year old girl wearing the giant turquoise stone around her neck and insane jealousy on her sleeve???”
‘Twas man paste on her sleeve. Jealousy, ejaculate; easily confused. The palsied minger was stripping the gears she was.
Didn’t I say in the beginning that it was going to be “one of those nights”.
So glad you wrote up this one…how could you not!
Hedonistic…”or at best someone to retreat to when were manless” couldn’t tag it better. Women need to cherish their girlfriends. Its rare that we find a few that we genuinely get along with. We tend to be so irksome when it comes to each other, so the ones that you mesh with, you should definitely appreciate even in your man-saturated moments. And as for the cock-blockers…no, they’d never sleep with the guy themselves…but damn if they want his attention to be diverted elsewhere anyways.
Martin, spread your tactics to the masses. You couldn’t have said it any better with the caveman reference. How could someone half a foot shorter than me make me feel so uneasy? Something about that intense stare and over-assertive “ooh, baby what I could do for you in bed” comments bring about the instant I hope I don’t run into you alone on the street feeling.
I’m 56, borderline short. The rule of drool, is that girls like tall guys period. He can be the ugliest mofo on the planet but if he’s 6-4, well he’s got to have a huge dick.
Whens the last time one of your girlfriends and you went out and thought some short guy was smoking like a seven alarm fire?
oh yeah, so
tall = wanted = chased after = just sit and wait
probably the same as hot big breasted chicks and small, mousy librarian chicks. 😛
I like what hedonistic said:
“For what its worth, I find short men are better in bed. They try harder . . .”
I often thank my lucky stars that I am 6-2, especially when I see shorty at the bar trying so hard to get the girl. Often these guys sport overly-developed muscles in an attempt to compensate for their lack of height, which in my opinion makes them wider and appear even closer to the ground.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that I would rather have a small penis or be bald than to be short. (please note, I am not bald).
Oh, and you forgot to mention the “fist-bump”, which is equally as lame as the “high-five”.
Short guys can look you straight in the face when they’re standing across from you, and they’re on top of you. There’s something to be said for that . . .
QofQ, there’s a reason why no one gives away the recipe to the secret sauce. 🙂 Knowledge this important must be dispensed with care.
Hedonistic, I found that since I wasn’t genetically blessed with height, I had to earn my spurs through years of experience and hard work, so the end results are that much more rewarding. 🙂
Cosmic Shambles, it’s worth noting that genetics and distribution of mass do play a part in how men develop. Tall guys tend to be leaner and ropy as a general rule, while short men are denser and thicker. That’s why most competitive bodybuilders are actually below average height. Of course, there are exceptions to these rules, ranging from horse jockeys to “Refrigerator Perry.” 🙂
Johnny, you can’t be defeatist in your thinking, because that’s the key to it all. If you believe you have the goods and are confident in yourself, it’ll show. It’s really that simple.
Cosmic Shambles…FYI…after Velvet chastised poor High Five Goldchains, they instantly switched to the fist bump.
Interesting how the boys seem to be focused on the height issue, and the girls on the crappy girlfriend issue…but I’ll cross over for a brief second…
Some girls…ok, most girls like a guy taller than them. Its not about you, its about us. I have said many times, “wow, he’s so damn hot, wish he was only taller”. That might make me shallow as hell in your eyes, but it stems from experience. This experience being, when I did give a short guy a shotand I have, so give me some creditI just didn’t feel as feminine. I felt more brawny and husky. Those arent two adjectives that make a woman feel like a woman. So, as logic would have itif the relativity of his stature to mine is making me feel gargantuous, I’m going to be feeling less feminine, and less frisky. In walks another stream of issues. Bottom linewe all have likes and dislikes. Some people have ethnicity likes and dislikes, some guys are boob guys, some have aversions to hairiness, some have oddball fetishes that none of us can begin to explain. At the end of the day, I want to find someone that I am mutually attracted to. Granted this attraction might grow with time and surprise me in the endbut I doubt the debate in itself is going to persuade anyone to suddenly just start feeling a certain draw to something that just hasnt managed to do anything for us this far. If someone is not attracted to you for whatever reason, youre probably wasting your time trying to force the attractionand time would be better spent being cool about a more casual relationship than being more frustrating by making her constantly feel like shes an ass for not digging you the way you want her to. We dont enjoy rejecting guys (unless they are asses). It actually makes us feel bad.
Short men are more agressive because they have been picked on by their peers most of their lives. Younger guys can be a boost to your morale and alot of fun if you are gentle and kind. A short young guy could possibly rock your world. When I was younger I rarely went out with a bunch of women. This considerably reduces ones chance of meeting an interesting person to talk to. A single woman is much less threatening to some of the most interesting men you will ever meet in your life. What’s even better about going out by yourself, is that you are completely in control of your evening. While a night with the girls is a bonding experience, a night out with your self can do alot for your self-esteem.
I can’t speak for the other guys, but I focused on the height thing because I can speak from authority on that. I try to avoid analyzing womens’ socializing habits in depth, because that way leads to metrosexuality. 🙂
I think you’re absolutely right about the preference for tall guys, and likes and dislikes as well. Peoples’ opinions can change over times, and there are as many different opinions about what’s hot as there are types of hotness. I have had to console and explain to many a female friend why some guys are obssessed with rack size, others are all about the posterior, etc. 🙂
I know that many men feel less masculine when dating women taller than they as well. I never felt that way, but I’d be fooling myself if I said it was not prevalent.
As a 5’10” woman, I have to say – shorter men have been known to pursue me and then treat me like crap because they still aren’t over their own insecurity complexes, and need to assert themselves to prove something. I was wearing 3″ heels when we met – did he really think I’d stop, just to appease his insecurities?
That said, my favorite ex is 5’7″ on a good day – but he got a kick out of the Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman comparisons, and didn’t take offense. And he’s still a sweetie.
Another entertaining post! God, I love these.
As for the stupid-arse women who ruin it for their male friends – I never understood it. Actually, I don’t get it when grown women still do this. My husband has a close group of friends from college (gals & guys) and their are 3-4 gals that will make life unpleasant for the new girlfriends/wives (myself included) because they’re not part of the original crew.
My thought is friggin’ grow up – I’m no longer 22 and I don’t care about your insecurities.
Wow. That sounds like a really boring night. What was the point of any of that? I mean, why did you go out if you had such a miserable time?
You could have saved yourself $100 if you’d just had your friend come over to your place, crack open some beers, blaze, and eat some Chinese food. Now that sounds like a good time.
thanks martin for the tips but i do just fine.
i dont even play the game anymore. if i want a girl to know that i like her, i wait til she is heading for the bathroom then give her an atomic wedgie.
its soooo money!
“….I walked my dogs with Nicole Kidman….”
Most folks use a leash! You are truly ‘hard’
MARTIN SAID: “I know that many men feel less masculine when dating women taller than they as well. I never felt that way, but Id be fooling myself if I said it was not prevalent.”
I have also had this feeling when dating a woman who may be slightly “big boned” or muscular in the hips and legs. As a somewhat slender fellow with thin legs I find that it makes my pee-pee seem smaller when trying to wedge it between a pair of thunder thighs.
is it wrong that i actually found bilious pudenda’s comment very funny?
Yes marie, it is indeed wrong. In fact, it is quite un-American.
Martin, what do you think?
CS Wedging? Why didn’t I think of that?
Hedonistic – If only you were around a few months back…you could have saved me some serious drama with some silly bitches.
Sweet – Yep. The key is to weed these girls out early in the game.
Glitterati – Thank you for visiting as well!
Martin – Agreed that confidence is key. Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to all men, but the majority do become over aggressive.
KassyK – Indeed. A conversation we’ve had a few times already, right?
Siryn – Best of? Really? Huh. Whouda thunk?
Scarlet – you naughty girl.
Hedonistic – I’ll have to give that a shot.
Reya – I haven’t told you I got a letter from a publisher who found my blog. But I googled them and after reading all the complaints, I tossed that letter in the trash.
BP – You are in rare form today.
QofQ – We could write a “part 2” of this post probably.
Johnny – you’re hot no matter how tall or short you may be. Hot hot hot. Spank!
Tyler – Hedonistic is definitely a smart one. Someone I need to be friends with that’s for sure.
Cosmic Shambles – You are right on the overdeveloped bodies. I’ve seen that a lot too.
Hedonistic – You are too funny.
QofQ – EEK! The fist bump. I was so drunk (damn you evil Harp beer) that I forgot about that. Or blocked it out. I’m afraid I’ve given the men a complex here. I know quite a few of these men in person, and none of them fall into the short aggressive man category. I’m thinking more of the 5 feet tall guys…hugging the weights at the gym.
Old Lady – When I was in grad school in Baltimore, and knew no one, I went out by myself a few times. Those were some funny ass stories. I wrote one of them up a few years back. I should post it. I ended up in a biker bar and the music literally stopped when I walked in because I looked so out of place. Ha!
Buttercup – Some girls are okay with it, some aren’t. I’m 5’5, and very few men are shorter than me, but I really wouldn’t be with one who was. I just couldn’t make it work in my mind. And that’s where most of a relationship happens.
Mel – Some girls never grow up. They are living Junior high over and over in their 30’s. Sad.
Johnny – You are practically married. Behave yourself! And get your hand out of my butt crack!!
Cosmic Shambles – Now that’s just wrong. But maybe your pee pee is small, and it has nothing to do with the thighs?
Marie – oh no. Don’t engage. He’ll never leave you alone.
BP – behave yourself.
I guess whether or not short men can effectively walk Velvet’s dogs with Nicole Kidman is considered a wedge issue. 🙂 I’d probably use Michelle Rodriguez if I wanted to get more of a firm grasp on them. 🙂
CS, I refer you to the wise words of Spinal Tap, when they rhapsodized about the “deeper the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’.” 🙂
heh, i love being tall. at 6’3 most girls i date can wear 6 inch heels and still be shorter. thus allowing them to feel feminine and sexy. and hey, high fives are cool!
Oh yes, my dear sweet Harp saturated friend, there was fist bumping a plenty!
As for the part II, I have the right to remain silent.
I appeared to have joined this spirited discussion late, but I must get this off my chest. I do not think there is anything more hackneyed than the whole anti-“What do you do for a living?” schtick. Yes, the question is unoriginal. But you know what’s even more unoriginal? Complaining about the question. I mean, what the eff are you supposed to talk about when you just meet someone, the weather? The Redskins? Quantum physics? And what bothers me even more is that so many people around here (mostly recent college grads or newcomers) consider the frequency of this question to be something unique to DC – e.g., “You know what I hate about DC as compared to [generic U.S. coastal metropolis]? The first question out of someone’s mouth is ‘what do you do for a living?’.” But you know what? I’ve spent a lot of time in [generic U.S. coastal metropolis], and that happens to be one of the first questions people ask you there as well. Um, sorry for the diatribe. I will now go back to work. Brilliant job as always V.
“I always got him the girl he wanted.” This attests to your nobility. I just loved this line! You are a true friend, through and through.
high-fives are hilarious. if you’re really looking for pathetic, i used to have an unfortunate friend who was big on “air” high-fives. yes, from across the room he would act out his end of a high-five and wait for you to reciprocate. i don’t miss his company one bit.
Right on the money, yet again. ; )
Aziz, I just say, “What fills your days?” That way, if I find I’m talking to a houswife or a retiree or a member of the leisure class . . . or someone drawing unemployment . . . I don’t embarrass them.
Not that housewives don’t work because they do; it’s just that some get defensive when they’re asked what they “do” for a living.
I like “what keeps you in candy?”
Seriously, though, I understand the grousing about the question because a lot of pretentious people – men and women – will dismiss you if you are “beneath” their station, but fuck it: if you can’t talk about what you do like an adult and move on, you have bigger problems than meeting people.
Personally, I use the question as a predicate to the next question(s): do you LIKE what you do? Do you have any passion for what you do? That says more about you than the mere choice of work.
Martin – That Nicole Kidman is a hell of a dog walker. But the Scientology Headquarters is in my ‘hood, so I’m sure she won’t want to walk in that direction.
Chud – 6 inch heels don’t make ANY woman feel sexy and feminine. They make me feel like jamming that 6 inch heel in your ass for encouraging me to wear them. I max at 4 inches. (I hear you do too…) D’oh!!!
QofQ – Oops. After reading what I wrote to you, I realize that it might not be apparent that I was talking about the men commenting here on the blog. And I’ve never seen you exercise your right to remain silent.
Aziz – You are right. We spend 1/3 of our week at work, why the hell are we not supposed to ask or talk about it??? I assume that unless you are right out of college, you would have made some conscious decisions to get where you are now. And even if you hate your job and don’t make the money you want, I don’t fucking care. I just want to hear why you picked what you did and what path you took to get there. Not “you” you, but the collective “you.”
Barbara – I’m a better friend than many give me credit for. And I would never do the nasty things to some people that they have done to me. Recently, I might add.
Double O – Welcome! Sorry my dear, you were stuck in moderation for a bit…new people have to be approved. Did you enjoy your time in moderation with my Viagra spam and Online casino’s? Um…may I never encounter your friend who does the “air high five.” Sounds very unappetizing.
Serena – You are too sweet.
Hedonistic – That’s a good way to ask the question. And yes, some people do reply with that haughty ‘tude “I’M A MOM AND IT’S A JOB TOO!” Yep. Not one I’m capable of. My kids would be under tire treads. Shit, I can barely take care of my dogs.
Siryn – Did I tell you I’m a nanny? Hee hee. No, really, I sort of answered this above to Aziz, but, yeah – to me I’m more interested to find out how someone chose the path they did and why.
Oh, and Barbara, my brother’s best friend married the last girl I fixed him up with.
OH SNAP! *high fives velvet*
for the record, i never encourage a girl to wear heels taller than my dick is long. which is why i like my girls to wear flats. ha!
Flats? I request that my ladies go barefoot for that same reason!
“Oh, and Barbara, my brothers best friend married the last girl I fixed him up with.”
So this made you stop supplying the escorts?
Sheesh, the Yankee is capricious.
(scratching Chud and Shambles off the list of potential men to date…)
i always like a good viagra ad– thanks for the clearance. i look forward to providing you with a bevy of clever quips and/or poop jokes.