I had originally written the following over the course of the past couple months. I added to it here and there as things struck me. However, this morning, I came into work to find out that the layoffs of last month were “just the beginning.” The homebuilding industry continues to suffer because of the stupidity of the Fed in keeping rates so low and giving the money away. People are walking away from homes under contract because the values have dropped so much. Too bad Greenspan didn’t realize that we have this thing called a “self-correcting economy” and it can really only take so much tinkering before it snaps back in the opposite direction and fucks you in the ass.
So. Yeah. Layoffs just beginning. Today is a payday and a Friday, and 4 people in my department are apparently being laid off. There are only 10 of us. Doesn’t sound good, does it? If I squeek through today, I might not squeek along much longer. And I shall say this now:
If I get laid off, I’m leaving D.C.
Well. Don’t act shocked. You knew it was coming. Here we go with my original post.
Dear Washington D.C.:
I am no longer in love with you. I don’t know when it happened, but I have fallen out of love and I’m not sure if you can do anything to change my mind. You are hereby on notice that you are on a probationary period. If you can’t comply with the following list of demands, I will be off in search of a better life within the year.
In no particular order:
- Please find several thousand eligible, attractive single men living in other parts of the country and convince them to move here. We have to tip this stupid 3 to 1 ratio back. Use your best marketing efforts.
- Strip all political talk from the conversation topic arsenal of at least 70% of the people here. More than 70% would be appreciated, but I’m confident I can avoid the other 30% who think their opinion actually matters. I fell into a coma shortly after I moved here with all this political talk about nothing. Do these people really think anything is going to change? Most of these politicians are crooked and self-serving and if you think otherwise, then I’ve got a bridge to sell you. It’s made of Velvet.
- Get rid of the hypocrites. This is non-party specific. Both Conservatives and Liberals alike are guilty. What’s that you say? Politics and religion attract and breed some of the biggest hypocrites? If we got rid of them, there would be few left? Eh, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. Shake some trees, and let’s see who falls out and who can hang on.
- Please tell the men here that if they have had sex with another man, even just once, then they are, in my book, gay enough to be off limits. I don’t want to find any of my potential boyfriends with another man’s ass attached to the end of his penis. Ever.
- Please close down the following establishments: McDonald’s on 17th Street, Soviet Safeway, Heaven and Hell. While you’re at it, also please annihilate Craigslist M4W ads. All of them. Forever.
- Remind people, especially those three girls from the ‘burbs, walking together that it is NOT okay to waltz side by side by side while forcing oncoming pedestrians into a dog shit filled tree box. The polite and correct thing to do is double behind your yappy friend. None of you are saying anything important anyway. Bitches. And take that gum out of your mouth, who are you? Jessica Simpson? Gum chewing looks ridiculous on anyone over 14.
- Tell the ASSHOLE bike riders that it is NOT OKAY to bob and weave through traffic in the morning on K Street. Stay on the side of the freaking road as close to the curb as possible. Ooh ooh! AND, If they want to ride where the cars ride, then they should STOP AT THE RED LIGHTS AS WELL.
- Make sure all Bridge and Tunnelers (read: you people from far away) know that it is totally unacceptable to block S Street because you want to valet your SUV at
the most overrated restaurant in D.C. Lauriol Plaza. Move over to the side of the road and let me pass you. You don’t own the god damned place. In fact, can we just add Lauriol to the list of places to be shut down? Great.
- Sigh. I’m a dog owner. Come rain, snow, heat, no poop bags, I pick up the poop, even if I have to use street trash, crawl in a bush or hell, use my bare hands. But some dog owners suck and they need to be told that when their dog craps in the middle of the sidewalk, they have to pick it up. Because the person who steps in it will drag their shoe down the sidewalk, spreading it everywhere, making it impossible for my 2 human legs and 8 dog legs to dodge it.
- Dare I get started on the cops, again? Ok. I will. Please do something about this very poor excuse for a police force. I have lived in Miami, Phoenix, Atlanta and New York. I have never seen a lazier group of police than here. Never mind that none of them are good looking (NYC wins first, second and third place on that) but they are totally and completely useless. “I understand you want me to put my elderly, passive dog with a slipped disc on a leash, but do you think you could arrest this man who just put a knife in my spleen first?” Heh. The cop would probably tell me to shut the fuck up.
- Actually enforce the cell phone law. Those talking on their cell phone without an ear piece, slamming on their brakes in the middle of the street, that law was made for them, yanno. Remind them, okay? Dispense a few tickets on that item. Make some money off the stupid.
- Re-educate all drivers so they know that STOP SIGNS are octogon shaped red things that tell you you need to stop your car. There is one at the corner of New Hampshire and S Street. It doesn’t say “Slow down to 30 m.p.h. and proceed, taking out any pedestrians in your way,” It says STOP!
- Teach people that the left lane is for passing. And, just because you are driving the speed limit and I want to go faster, doesn’t mean you can block the left lane. It is not YOUR JOB to make me obey the law.
- Revoke every cab driver’s license and make them learn it all over again. Better yet, send them somewhere else and get us new cab drivers. With meters. Thanks.