I’ve been quiet for the week, I know. I mean, I’ve posted, but not the usual stuff. We have a mutually co-dependent relationship, don’t we? You come here to be entertained, and I come to write, and get opinions and spur conversation. It doesn’t work if I’m not honest. It can never work properly if I’m not honest. What’s holding me up? Let’s get to it.
1) I have someone who is scaring me. I’m tired of the emails. I don’t know you, I don’t want to know you, I don’t know what you want, but I have an idea. What you send me is not appropriate. I’ve told you several times. I will no longer be answering anything you send.
2) I am seeing things in my stats that are equally scary. Why is a Private Investigation firm on my blog a dozen times a day? Who are you and what are you looking for? You better reveal yourself and your intentions or your IP will be blocked. I don’t want to step in the ring again no matter how deranged your client. But if you stick a toe back in, be prepared, because I’ll go to the motherfucking end. And from what I’ve been told, you won’t be satisfied with that end.
3) The cop thing. I’ve been told that if I continue, I will end up dead. That’s promising. They have to get me first though, don’t they? Cough. See items 1 and 2 above, po-po!
4) The boy thing. I just don’t like this idea of someone I’m dating being able to read this blog. I thought at first that if I’m honest then what would it matter? But I’ve paid a heavy price for violating this rule before. See #2 above. Some rules are made to be broken. This one isn’t. So, the blog goes, or the boy goes. Watch me, as I eat my words: “I would never let this blog get in the way of a viable relationship.”
Let’s discuss the boy for a minute. The Queen of Quantity named him Sherlock, for his innate ability to find my blog from my online profile (I hear he had a little help,) and his ability to find my Craigslist ads I posted for my FirstDateDC research. The man is a super sleuth. I realized right away, I would never be able to get anything by him. He said, “Maybe that’s a good thing.” He might be right.
So, the recap. Last Sunday, after a few email exchanges, he said, “Let’s have a quick dinner tonight. Don’t think about it. Just say yes.” As I mentioned earlier, I loved the idea that he said in his profile that he was too busy for a girlfriend. There was comfort in that. Comfort like macaroni and cheese comfort. People, I am not a good girlfriend. I will tell you this now. Not that I can’t be nice and good to someone, but I am not good in a relationship. The idea of being tied down makes me instantly want to date a dozen other people just to prove I can still do it.
Our quick dinner lasted 5 hours. He walked me home. We kissed. It all felt so very right. He didn’t play any stupid games of waiting three days to call, he said he just wanted to talk to me. And I wanted to talk to him. Talk we did. On and off all day Monday and Tuesday. A couple hours on each of the nights. During some of our conversations, he asked me if I was going to move to Phoenix. Okay, so he’s been on the blog. He mentioned reading the things I wrote last week about Jack and that love triangle, and how deep it was in comparison to my other posts. These details are not bothersome on their own. The past is the past. I don’t care who reads what. But this ability to read the blog going forward, and the knowledge that his friend has been a reader for some time (Hello you!) is truly frightening.
For a control freak like me, this is a huge problem. I prefer to actually control the information and emotion I show for a man. There is something in my formula that feels comfortable in doing that. Not that it has worked for me before, but it’s all I know.
But, then I consider the other side for a minute. I think about the control freak in me being challenged in this manner. Nothing I think and post is secret. Decisions aren’t always mine to make. Someone calling me and saying, “Don’t think, Just answer.” Fuck. There’s something incredibly thrilling about that. Giving up the control. Letting someone else just decide. Wow. I make every single decision in my life from when I wake up to what movie I’m going to watch to when the dogs get their walks, what we eat, when we eat and on and on and on. I’m freaking out at the idea that someone could come along and change that. I’m freaking out more at the idea that I could really get into that. I’m freaking out most that to have this type of arrangement, you need trust. Something I’m very low on at the moment. Again, see #3 above.
By Wednesday, I was nearing uncomfortable. I woke up with a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I call that naggy feeling – raging anxiety. I live in an intricate world I’ve created for myself with friends and happy hours and nights out with the Queen of Quantity, who I am so much on the same page with when it comes to partying. (I know it’s not intricate! Christ!) I believe that I would be quite content with a man to spend my time with. But along he comes, and I get scared. So scared. Seriously. When I see it going well, I head straight for sabotage mode. Because the bottom line of all of this is, I just don’t think I’m suited to get married.
I sent him a text the other night in response to something he said. It said, “Don’t let me panic.”
He’s trying. My god is he trying. We talked today for a while and I explained where I was, that I need to just move it slower. He said all the right things. He’s into me, he won’t play games, he wants to try this. I reminded him of his proclamation on his profile about not wanting or having time for a girlfriend.
He said, “If you told me a week ago that I’d be at this point right now with you, a total 180, I never would have believed it.” He said his friend said, “Wow, you are really falling for this girl.”
Gulp. Deep breath. Does someone have a paper bag? I might pass out.
I can totally relate on the control things. I’ve been making my own decisions for so long that I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have someone else factor into the equation. I imagine it would have to be someone pretty special to let him in. Good luck with that, because it can be a struggle to give it up. But sometimes it’s also an amazing relief. 🙂
First, re your last – I think the boy thing sounds very good. He is open with you, telling you that you’ve taken him by surprise, and accepting the blog factor. I know through an ex how difficult it is for someone like you to lose / give up control. Exhiliarating, but scary too. And yes, trust is required. Risk is not fun. The result can be. Don’t worry now whether you’re the “marrying type” just see what it’s like to have him care for you.
It’s good that you’re prepared to stand and fight re 1 and 2. Can’t believe that a PI with a brain would use a traceable IP to prowl, so said PI may be either brain-dead or just out to intimidate you. Put on your kevlar, then (as you have) stand up to the cowards.
Back to 4. Enjoy the boy. Take baby steps if you need to. Sounds as if he’d work with you in that mode. Don’t hit the “destruct” button yet. I know, easy for me to say.
great post…i think as far as marriage is concerned, i dont think that is what u should strive for, because if everything else is right, then getting married wouldnt change much i would think…the intricacies of what u have r what will establish a strong relationship and not a title or official commitment called marriage…he sounds like he has ur best interests in mind tho, of course if he is for real, but only u can be the judge of that…and i think u r perfectly capable of determining that…
I’ve definitely been in a similar boy situation, and fairly recently. He decided to stop reading on his own, recognizing that it’s my little corner & that while I don’t have anything to hide, it’s good for me to have some privacy there. Ironic, isn’t it? We hide ourselves out in the open.
As for the rest, take care of *you*, first and foremost.
Effing cunts! I’ve got your back if needed, Velvet.
Anxiety is the new rohypnol.
muhaha!
just an acknowledgmenet that i read your blog daily, don’t know you, not stalking you, but am so glad to know that someone out there in my same city/neighborhood experiences some of the same things…its comforting! thank you Velvet for sharing…everything – good luck!
Hi Jen. You didn’t have to delurk. I think when I mention (because I’ve done this before) some lurking, people get worried that I am talking about them. How do I say this without being pompous? Um…I have a lot of hits. My hits reload every couple hours and a lot goes by without my seeing. There are hundreds of IP’s I know nothing about. But I’m seeing a PI firm, and that’s nuts.
NotCarrie – Thanks, but don’t you like, live real far? 🙂
Buttercup – I’ve always thought the advice and comments of “strangers” is more genuine and dead on than from a friend who may be trying to spare feelings etc. That’s why blogs work for us.
popcultured – awww. You are too sweet. I really understand why you and my friend had such a good thing.
Bill – Well, we’ll see what they are up to today. I’ve called there and asked about it and the receptionist had no idea what I was talking about.
Stef – Agreed. Wholeheartedly.
And to my lovely Johnny – You are just too cute.
Wow…as my semi-clone in these things, I feel everything you just wrote. From the control-the blogging-the anxiety-the partying-the “not being the marrrying kind”. Honey I FEEL YOU. But, this guy sounds amazing. Really, truly genuine and I say give it a try. You are already letting him know that you need time and space AND if he can actively provide you with that and not become insta-boyfriend…then you have a keeper.
Good luck and puh-lease…You know me and VKent have your back!!
Also–I get the DEA on my board daily…Um, its normal that I discuss handing out Xanax to my friends while the DEA lovingly reads along. So normal.
hi. i am from the pi firm. found your blog recently and really enjoy your writing style so ive stuck around, and, yes, keep checking back as the comments section is as interesting as the entries themselves. im not here for any reason other than I like the site. sorry to alarm you, not at all my intention.
As much as I hate this song, ‘Just breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaathe.’ 😉
Why are people so afraid to love?!? Shit Velvy, I will be your boyfriend. We never have to go out or share or even meet. I can just read your blog and enter comments and we never have to become intimate or become vulnerable. Geez.
As far as the PI thing… hopefully Anon (above) is legit so that will be one worry off your list.
As far as the cop thing… you may be as stubborn as me, but I think it is awesome that you are not backing down from those a-holes. F’em all!
KK – I LOVE YOU!! First of all, VK only has my back until some hottie walks by. Then, we’re on our own. I can hear him now… “eau!”
Anon – Big sigh of relief. Sorry to scare you. Just trying to make sure you weren’t hired by someone…email me if you would and I can explain.
Sweet – That song sucks ass! HA!
Cosmic – I just emailed you. And okay, I’ll be your girlfriend, but know that when the first person I tell that my bf lives in “Baltimore” gives me the raised eyebrow, you’re history. I need to road trip up there for a little nacho mama action. Yum yum. Tuna tacos. That sounded gross…the rest of you get your mind out of the gutter!
I love me some Nacho Mamas!
Shhhhhhh!!!!!
And I might be moving closer. I’d be good backup.
Girl, you think too much!! Go with your heart and your sense
Nice, ahem, suggestion, Buttercup. If the blog is something that you want to keep up, Velvet, can’t you make that request? You need some alone time and solo activities in relationships; can’t this be yours?
LIVE IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guess the PI business is kinda slow right now. Lots of reading blogs. Good luck on whatever you do – or better yet, good karma.
I am going to have to agree with Bill above: Dont hit the destruct button yet. A couple of phone calls and one date are not reason enough to base jump off the Eiffel Tower.
You can always write about your experiences with Sleuth and then save them as rainy day posts IF things don’t work out. You journaled before you blogged so just consider your Sleuth posts as journals not meant for public consumption. You have lots of interesting things going on in your life. Write about them for the time being while you sort out your feelings for Sleuth.
It sucks for your readers that they aren’t getting the usual peep into your dating life but reading past posts you have plenty of other great material.
I wouldn’t sweat this so much. New relationships are supposed to be fun. Enjoy them for what they are in the here and now and worry about the rest as it comes.
He seems like a guy who really lights your fire, you wouldn’t want to hurl into a paper bag over a guy who you just thought was an average nice guy. Don’t let him slip by over not being able to post your feelings on a public web space.
There’s Law-ruh again, twirling around on her tippy toes. Don’t mind her. 😉
Velvet – I have plenty of paper bags. No seriously. I save them. I save them like someday I might be able to turn them in for cash. But I know that won’t ever happen, so if you ever need to breathe, call me! And know that I have plenty and I can keep you alive for quite some time.
you worry too much.
This sounds like the most normal guy you’ve dated in a long time. You’re just afraid to let yourself like him for fear things will not work out. Not thinking too much is probably good advice. Just enjoy this normal presence. I hope he likes the dogs.
P.I. is on my site too. So glad I’m not alone
What is wrong with you people? The woman asked for a paper bag. :::passing bag::: (bag also holds booze.)
Hey there new guy :::waving:: Be nice to our Miss Velvet.
I think I just read a movie script
You are my favorite poster girl for the idea that not every woman is obsessed with getting some man to commit to her!
But I do keep thinking that when the timing and the guy are right, you WILL be a good girlfriend in that elusive, “viable relationship.”
So, you are well aware of the emotional/physical flush of a mutually satisfactory match, right? This is science. Science is saying that you will more than likely not have children with 6 toes.
Ride the wave…don’t fight the science…but listen intently to your heart. If you need time, take it.
Oh, and I have never done well with the ones who read the whole blog. I feel that it’s unfair, and a controling way to get to know a popular girl. I kinda wish he’s just get to know the live Velvet, who is more wonderful and complex than any fancy HTML can deliver.
I can absolutely relate on the guy-seems-so-great-where-did-all-of-my-normal-rules-go issue. I’m in the same myself, but it kind of feels great for once. I, too, had to explain the panic mode at first, but the boy has been wonderful about it, so I’ve been lucky.
Sorry to hear about the weird email stuff… good luck with that, and hopefully everything works out soon.