**Not safe for family. Mom, Dad, OlderBrother – off now. Don’t come back for a few days.
I left you off at Friday night as I went to bed. Saturday was a hellaciously busy day, and I must apologize profusely for not making it to the Cafe 227 extravaganza. They write one of my favorite blogs by the way, so check it out peeps.
At some point Saturday evening, I checked my email to see that I had received two separate messages from Sherlock. The first, written sometime Friday night and the second just a forward about Phoenix.
The basic message in the first email, the longest email I’ve received from a man in years, was as follows. He explained that he didn’t mean to be interviewing me, but felt he knew me through the blog and wanted to recreate that rapport in person. (Reason #457 why a man you are dating should not know about your dating blog.) He continued to say that he thought he was getting the feeling back from me and knows that I wasn’t feeling what he thought I was. (This leads me to wonder if I somehow, in being nice and engaging, am giving off the wrong signals? I don’t know, I can charm the pants off a lamp post if need be, it’s just my style.) He goes on to say that I’m going to have to let someone in someday, and am I just dating for blog material, and if so then why am I dating at all? (Well, because it can be fun when it’s not totally mind numbing or too intense.) He promised to not read the blog anymore and says that the finality of my tone on the phone the prior evening was heard loud and clear.
He closes by saying, “the ferocity of your independence is both captivating and addictive. And I know it does not come without a price.” Well. That part was incredibly deep, true, and thought provoking.
When I first got the email, I actually didn’t read it. I shut off the computer and went to Tyson’s with the Queen of Quantity. I braced myself for what was in the email though.The prior night that some of the true high pressure talk involved him saying that he had canceled other dates and asking me if I still wanted to date other people. I wasn’t ready to read an email knowing that we had already had that exchange. So, I get home, turn on the computer, find the email, then plow through. After reading, I knew why I was so hesitant. Peppered throughout the explanations were things that clouded the message – a message which should have been to explain, and maybe just say good luck? I don’t know. I’ll never know. I’m obviously not good at this. But, he made comments about finding someone else and hoping he can stay open minded enough to do that. Is that truly commiserating with my non-emotional component, or a slam as if to say that his lack of openmindedness is somehow my fault.
Anyway, other than the 2nd email about why “Phoenix is a great city” I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day. Until he sent me a 2 a.m. text. Let me switch modes so it’s easier to read.
Him: How was your night? Want to talk?
Me: No. I just want to have sex with you.
Him: Give me 10 minutes.
Me: No. Not tonight. But soon.
Him: Of course. Tonight we’ll just finish your backrub.
Me: No. Do not come here. I have to be up in five hours. But one day soon I am going to come over there and we are not going to say a word to each other…
The rest of what I wrote was really pretty X-rated. It was an alternate version of the wanting to have sex part.
Then he called. He told me to look out my window. I was exhausted and couldn’t move, didn’t want to move. I told him no. He said he parked and was going to come up for a couple minutes. I said no and told him to go home. Then he asked me to come down to the lobby so he could meet the dogs and give me a kiss. I said no again. I’ve actually instituted a new rule. No one meets Sammy and Thora until I know they are going to be around for a bit. I know that’s lame, but it’s just how I feel. Hey, my dog park friends understood!
So he leaves. In many ways, he reminds me of TheCop, who I dated for 6 months when I was 21. No matter what I told TheCop, he continued to disregard what I asked. I’ve got a side post coming on that, because that relationship truly shaped my feelings toward overzealous men.
We continued texting, and it got a bit steamy, but we left it that we could move this along to sex at a point to be determined. Texts continued all day Sunday and we made that “point to be determined,” Sunday night.
I’m sooooo sorry I have to fast forward, but you know how I feel about writing about sex. I typically don’t do it, for the ensuing creepy email component, so just know that it happened. For hours. And was awesome. It is an arrangement I’m content with at this point in time. He takes me home, and we’re outside my building saying goodbye. We kiss, and we’re about to lean in for another kiss when he says, “You know that was about more than sex, right?”
I swear to Christ, I could hear this deflating balloon in my head. What. The. FUCK??? I backed off and got out of the car. I stood at the window and said, “No it wasn’t.” He said, “I’m not trying to change you.” I said, “Don’t be fooled into thinking it was about anything other than sex.” Shit.
I go inside, and get a text from him that said that no two people are ever at the same place in a relationship, that he isn’t trying to change me and was just making an observation. He said he’ll call when he wants and I can do the same. I texted back, “It is just sex. Please don’t be fooled by a false sense of intimacy.” He sent another back that said, “Whatever you say…and if you can do whatever you want, then I can read whatever I want. Ask me to refrain and I will but I may bow out completely, that’s the risk you take.”
You know what? I’m pissed. It’s NOT the risk I take. I don’t take any risks, I live my god damned life, being straight with people about what I want, occasionally screwing up but owning up to all my mistakes. And I write a blog. And his friend, ex-girlfriend, reader, commenter, blogger, whatever, told him about the blog. Now he alternates between promises to not read and threats to read it to see what I’m thinking and what I’m saying. It isn’t going to work. I was an idiot to think that by taking the relationship issue off the table that this would make it easier on me. It just made it harder. Now I truly feel like a caged animal.
Though, all of this is probably irrelevant, as I can see he checked in to the blog several times yesterday. I wouldn’t be happy if someone wrote yesterday’s post or this post about me, and I certainly wouldn’t go back for more. But that Sherlock. He’s full of surprises, so one could never know. I can only hope he realizes the reprecussions of dating someone who says they will write about the dates. Because this isn’t a forum. It’s a one sided account of my dating life. Though I will argue each and every time that my side is the truth. HA!