**Not safe for family. Mom, Dad, OlderBrother – off now. Don’t come back for a few days.
I left you off at Friday night as I went to bed. Saturday was a hellaciously busy day, and I must apologize profusely for not making it to the Cafe 227 extravaganza. They write one of my favorite blogs by the way, so check it out peeps.
At some point Saturday evening, I checked my email to see that I had received two separate messages from Sherlock. The first, written sometime Friday night and the second just a forward about Phoenix.
The basic message in the first email, the longest email I’ve received from a man in years, was as follows. He explained that he didn’t mean to be interviewing me, but felt he knew me through the blog and wanted to recreate that rapport in person. (Reason #457 why a man you are dating should not know about your dating blog.) He continued to say that he thought he was getting the feeling back from me and knows that I wasn’t feeling what he thought I was. (This leads me to wonder if I somehow, in being nice and engaging, am giving off the wrong signals? I don’t know, I can charm the pants off a lamp post if need be, it’s just my style.) He goes on to say that I’m going to have to let someone in someday, and am I just dating for blog material, and if so then why am I dating at all? (Well, because it can be fun when it’s not totally mind numbing or too intense.) He promised to not read the blog anymore and says that the finality of my tone on the phone the prior evening was heard loud and clear.
He closes by saying, “the ferocity of your independence is both captivating and addictive. And I know it does not come without a price.” Well. That part was incredibly deep, true, and thought provoking.
When I first got the email, I actually didn’t read it. I shut off the computer and went to Tyson’s with the Queen of Quantity. I braced myself for what was in the email though.The prior night that some of the true high pressure talk involved him saying that he had canceled other dates and asking me if I still wanted to date other people. I wasn’t ready to read an email knowing that we had already had that exchange. So, I get home, turn on the computer, find the email, then plow through. After reading, I knew why I was so hesitant. Peppered throughout the explanations were things that clouded the message – a message which should have been to explain, and maybe just say good luck? I don’t know. I’ll never know. I’m obviously not good at this. But, he made comments about finding someone else and hoping he can stay open minded enough to do that. Is that truly commiserating with my non-emotional component, or a slam as if to say that his lack of openmindedness is somehow my fault.
Anyway, other than the 2nd email about why “Phoenix is a great city” I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day. Until he sent me a 2 a.m. text. Let me switch modes so it’s easier to read.
Him: How was your night? Want to talk?
Me: No. I just want to have sex with you.
Him: Give me 10 minutes.
Me: No. Not tonight. But soon.
Him: Of course. Tonight we’ll just finish your backrub.
Me: No. Do not come here. I have to be up in five hours. But one day soon I am going to come over there and we are not going to say a word to each other…
The rest of what I wrote was really pretty X-rated. It was an alternate version of the wanting to have sex part.
Then he called. He told me to look out my window. I was exhausted and couldn’t move, didn’t want to move. I told him no. He said he parked and was going to come up for a couple minutes. I said no and told him to go home. Then he asked me to come down to the lobby so he could meet the dogs and give me a kiss. I said no again. I’ve actually instituted a new rule. No one meets Sammy and Thora until I know they are going to be around for a bit. I know that’s lame, but it’s just how I feel. Hey, my dog park friends understood!
So he leaves. In many ways, he reminds me of TheCop, who I dated for 6 months when I was 21. No matter what I told TheCop, he continued to disregard what I asked. I’ve got a side post coming on that, because that relationship truly shaped my feelings toward overzealous men.
We continued texting, and it got a bit steamy, but we left it that we could move this along to sex at a point to be determined. Texts continued all day Sunday and we made that “point to be determined,” Sunday night.
I’m sooooo sorry I have to fast forward, but you know how I feel about writing about sex. I typically don’t do it, for the ensuing creepy email component, so just know that it happened. For hours. And was awesome. It is an arrangement I’m content with at this point in time. He takes me home, and we’re outside my building saying goodbye. We kiss, and we’re about to lean in for another kiss when he says, “You know that was about more than sex, right?”
I swear to Christ, I could hear this deflating balloon in my head. What. The. FUCK??? I backed off and got out of the car. I stood at the window and said, “No it wasn’t.” He said, “I’m not trying to change you.” I said, “Don’t be fooled into thinking it was about anything other than sex.” Shit.
I go inside, and get a text from him that said that no two people are ever at the same place in a relationship, that he isn’t trying to change me and was just making an observation. He said he’ll call when he wants and I can do the same. I texted back, “It is just sex. Please don’t be fooled by a false sense of intimacy.” He sent another back that said, “Whatever you say…and if you can do whatever you want, then I can read whatever I want. Ask me to refrain and I will but I may bow out completely, that’s the risk you take.”
You know what? I’m pissed. It’s NOT the risk I take. I don’t take any risks, I live my god damned life, being straight with people about what I want, occasionally screwing up but owning up to all my mistakes. And I write a blog. And his friend, ex-girlfriend, reader, commenter, blogger, whatever, told him about the blog. Now he alternates between promises to not read and threats to read it to see what I’m thinking and what I’m saying. It isn’t going to work. I was an idiot to think that by taking the relationship issue off the table that this would make it easier on me. It just made it harder. Now I truly feel like a caged animal.
Though, all of this is probably irrelevant, as I can see he checked in to the blog several times yesterday. I wouldn’t be happy if someone wrote yesterday’s post or this post about me, and I certainly wouldn’t go back for more. But that Sherlock. He’s full of surprises, so one could never know. I can only hope he realizes the reprecussions of dating someone who says they will write about the dates. Because this isn’t a forum. It’s a one sided account of my dating life. Though I will argue each and every time that my side is the truth. HA!
Hey sweetie–You should never feel like a caged animal-no matter how fantastic this guy may be in other ways. Some women thrive on co-dependency but you and I (and many others men and women) are of a different breed. And our signif others needs to realize that if we don’t get the space we need and crave–we become feral.
Good luck and keep us updated. HAPPY HOUR–NOW. 🙂
Holy F*cking Moley!!! He’s really trying to schmoooze the hell out of you. What is so hard about him chilling out and giving you the pace that you need? How hard can it be to see that the more hes is pushing relationship talk on you, the more you want to get the heck out of dodge? So if he will call you when he wants and you will call him when you want, then he can answer when he wants and you can answer/not answer when you want. I don’t know if you should toss him off the pile, but if this intensity keeps up, you’re self defenses are going to kick in and press the eject button. He needs to seriously realize this, or he’s gonna be passing up the relationship, the friendship, the sex, and whatever potential might be there!! Silly boy. I’d tell him straight up that you are noticing that the harder he pushes, the more reluctant you get…and if that’s not changing, then there’s no point in toying with the idea at all…that if the pleasure of sex is going to end up with this kind of intimidating heart to heart every time, its basically not worth it, and you can stay home with toys that don’t try to stronghold you into a relationship the minute after they’re pulled out! SHEEESH!
I think you were a guy in a previous life (and a playa). I cant believe that he is all lets talk about relationships, puppy dogs, snowflakes and feelings, blah blah blah, and youre all ummm, noyou are purely utilitarian at this point. I want you to hit it like Tyson This just shows the difference between men and women. If the roles were reversed, people would say I cant believe he used you like that, but this way, as the guy who wants a relationship he still looks bad (wow, thats needy and creepy). As Paul Rodriguez said in DC Cab, its tough to be a man, baby.
Anyway, if you plan on seeing this guy again, make sure you set out the rules of engagement before you play anymore war games, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, then don’t ask me, because I’m not even sure I know what I mean sometimes.
I woulda driven home giggling to myself “I GOTS LAID!!! MUHAHA” and not called you til the pocket rocket was refueled.
But thats just me.
I think it’s dunzo…or, at least, it should be. I’m not even involved, and I’m a little freaked out.
excuse me for being nosy, but how long have you and this fellow been dating?
KK – It’s true, and as we get older and used to being on our own, the appeal of having someone there 24/7 isn’t so appealing anymore.
QofQ – I just had a vision of my little vibe jumping out of the drawer and saying, “Marry me!” Um, I’d say yes.
Ninja – If the roles were reversed, everyone would be calling me a psycho. I can hear it, “Man, that chick’s crazy.”
Johnny – Damn I luvs ya. You are too funny!
FreckledK – So…it’s not just me?
Demanda – Hello new commenter! You’re not nosy. It’s been, um, cough. 9 days. Well, 7 days when all this happened. Our first date was last Sunday. Our second date was Friday. The night of passion – just this past Sunday.
If you disregard everything else, merely examing this guy’s startling ability to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the worst time should be reason enough to bail. And as a dude, I’d just like to say to him “relax, buddy – have some great, noncommital sex for a while, and THEN get all creepy.” One thing some people never learn is to not rush the creepy. There’s always time later for creepy, it doesn’t need to be your opener…
thanks for the warm welcome.
IMO, 2 dates is WAY too early to be talking about dating exclusively. his behavior sounds a little cray-cray.
It seems that this behavior is the fault of how the majority of the female sex typically acts: saying the exact opposite of what we mean, and expecting guys to pick up on it. Maybe Sherlock has learned this trick and is applying it to you, even though it doesn’t apply to you. For instance, maybe he thought the ‘No really, don’t come over now’ meant ‘Show up and tell me to look out my window…I think it’s really romantic’. The ‘You know this was about more than sex’ line also seems to have come for some sort of script that he’s learned to charm the ladies. The majority of women probably do want to hear that, even if they know it’s not sincere. You really, genuinely, don’t care to hear that. I think that’s causing his little neurons to fire all crazy like, as it is the opposite of all he’s ever learned about females.
So, you’ve been to his home, or did you do it in a hotel? I’m just curious to know if you’ve seen the Velevet Shrine in his closet yet. You know, the one where he has 600+ pictures of you in everyday activities posted around the altar of candles and inflatable love doll that he’s added a few strands of your hair to, which he surreptitiously picked off your collar while leaning in for a kiss . . .
And I agree with Dan: I usually wait at least two months before turning on the creepy.
Dan and nato cracked me up, but I do agree that that post-coital comment by Sherlock is SOOOOOO creepy!
Do you think it’s a power thing, as in, he needs for you to find him dateable for his own hubris? And the fact that he probably just read my dime stor psychoanalysis of him makes ME feel creepy… I need a shower.
WHAT sane male turns in the free hot sex coupon and is like, “No thanks, I need some obligations before I cash this in… what can I do to ruin this?”
Did you hear that? It was me on the left coast going
“JESUS CHRIST WHAT A FUCKING ASS”
Ahem. Velvet- You want a fuckbuddy, this guy isn’t it. He’s not even a LUNCH buddy. or a Bus Buddy. He might be a Hi/bye buddy.
velvet–ignore this… dude, if you are reading this, just back up a bit. she knows you like her. you just had great sex with her (women like great sex). let your dick speak for you for a bit. let her get addicted to “hours” of sex. hours dude! that’s your hook! keep up the good work, continue to see her on social and sexual levels… and the romance will either develop or it won’t.
i liked my current girlfriend quite a bit when i first met her. really, really liked her. but we were just fuck buddies for about 7 months… the situation precluded a serious relationship. then stuff started to creep up on us. we’re totally in love now, been going out more than a year, all that. i’ve never been happier with a woman. it’s because I REALLY KNOW this chick.
you are still in the getting to know you part of this relationship. revel in it. have great sex. get to know her favorite drink, her favorite sexual position, what she does for a living, that shit. DON’T SHOW UP AT HER DOOR WHEN SHE SAYS NOT TO. don’t tell her you want a serious relationship 7 days in. how do you even know? it’s all first blush.
let it develop naturally, and have lots of good sex. just lookin out.
I agree with “demanda” that this freaks ME out and I’m not even involved in the situation. Honestly, I wouldn’t even put up with this stuff from a guy, great sex or not. He wouldn’t be worth my time.
Maybe I should why he wouldn’t be worth my time so I don’t sound like a callous bitch. After only a week he’s getting all freakozoid on you. Stalking you, coming by your house…that is SCARY. I would be done with the “dating” and probably even buy a gun. 🙂 Early stalking behavior can quickly manifest into more serious behavior. Hope that crazy-head is reading this.
Hey thanks for the shout out! You missed a hell of a party. To paraphrase Dave Chappelle paraphrasing Rick James, “it was a celebration, b*tches.”
And other than that, I have nothing to add. All the other commenters pretty much covered it. I will say this, though – I find the reversal of the stereotypical gender roles in this whole situation to be mildly unsettling. Conventional wisdom holds that it’s usually the man who seeks noncomittal casual sex, while the woman pines for the relationship. Are you really a dude, V? Or do you live in some sort of bizarro-land where everything is reversed, like Australia or Shirlington?
WOW! That’s quite the story. And I have to agree… most people are never in the same place in the relationship. Crazy weird.
Dan – I laugh at the idea that you came back today for more. And you’ve created a fan base. I’m getting emails from people who are loving what you have to say.
Demanda – I love the new commenters. I’ve heard that people are intimidated to comment on new blogs they are reading because it looks like a cohesive little group. The truth is, I know very few of the commenters in person. Maybe 30%. Like Johnny – my perennial blog crush – I’ve never met him. Though based on our back and forth, you would think we were old buddies.
I’m still dreaming – Okay, so you think that the woman giving the mixed signals thing has conditioned him to just do the opposite? Damn those women. Damn them for screwing it up. But shit, who the hell can misinterpret, “I want to have sex with you.”
Nato – Um, would now be a bad time to admit that when I was getting dressed I couldn’t find my undies? Eventually they were recovered, from a dresser drawer. Damn. I don’t want anyone having souvenirs of me. That’s extra creepy with a side of crazy and some stalking on top.
Chico’s Bail Bonds – I don’t know who would turn that in, but he did. And I don’t know about the dateable thing because he is dateable. He’s a great person, all this was just way too strong for me.
Tacoma Washington! – What’s a bus buddy? I’m dying to know! You crack me up, truly. I can’t wait to catch you in a search looking for “psycho sex” or whatever else you can come up with! HA! Wait, but…I have another Tacoma person reading now too. How will I ever tell you apart? Damn!
Someone, Somewhere – You are so right! Sometimes the best relationships start from something unconventional like having a sex relationship. I’m glad that worked out for you. Patience is a bitch, isn’t it?
Amanda – We aren’t allowed to have firearms in D.C. I think it’s because our police force is so competent that they get to the scene of all crimes as they are happening. Shit, I just choked on something.
Aziz – I’m not a dude. I swear. Those are my boobs in the header. Though they do look smooshed.
Oh just tell him you love him. Then ask if he loves you. Then start putting pink shit in his house.
That usually makes a guy run pretty quick.
You must have scary panties if they can climb into a dresser drawer all by themselves. And why do I keep hearing the Silence of the Lambs line “It puts the lotion on its skin . . .” floating through my head every time you include more details about this guy?
p.s. — Perhaps you should help Aziz and confirm that you aren’t a guy. . . include the full boobs in the header. Or would that distract too much of your audience from reading anything below them?
From what you’ve said, this guy seems to think he knows what you want better than you do, which is a bad (terminal) sign. Then he seems willing to lie to you in order to convince you that he’s right. He just does not listen to you, because there’s no ambiguity in your language. Arrogant, maybe? Yes, his closing “ferocity of your independence” is perceptive, but use of the word “addictive” in this context is worrisome. You’ll do what’s right for you, but I think you deserve better.
As KK says, you and she are of a different breed. I’m not so sure there are many like you, as she says, but no matter. You’re only hard to understand in the context of presupposed behavior, societal conditioning, or stereotyped roles. Your words are plain and clear, and you deserve the respect of having them taken at face value. It might take some effort for a man to reconsider his concepts of women and relationships, but the reward would be well worth the effort. I’m sorry that you’re having such trouble finding men who recognize that.
It seems that you fit many guys’ description of the ideal woman, yet when they finally meet you they have no idea what to do.
Bus Buddy– someone you run into in a routine way, who you can chat with for about 5 mins at a time while on or waiting for the bus, at the grocery store. Dependent that you’ve found something out about him/her that makes them completely inelilgible (doesn’t like dogs etc.) AND if they make a pass it has been made/rebuffed gracefully so there is no discomfort. Not really a friend, since you don’t enjoy hanging around them THAT much.
It is soothing to see them because they’re one of those people you can look at and go “I must not be a total ass, here is at least one person who I haven’t done anything embarassing with”
I’m accumulating more of those people since I’ve been married and started to drink less.
Rain – Yes, those words are words of truth. You can be on different pages, but you have to be in the same book.
Johnny – I love pink shit!
Nato – Yeah. I forgot about the undies part. I’m not holding back, I swear. I really did ponder how to write this, then I realized that if he’s going to openly defy me and read, using the “we’re not in a relationship and I can do what I want” excuse, then I can write what I want. Besides, no one knows who he is, except for one suspiciously quiet blogger and commenter who tipped him off to begin with. Oh, and I did confirm for Aziz. At least I think I did…
Bill – I missed the word “addictive.” You’ve just slapped me in the face with that. I guess to clarify, I’m not the same woman to all men. There was a man I dated who reduced me to a pile of useless mush. I couldn’t function around him, couldn’t form a normal sentence, nothing. So while I’m able to contain myself and be who I really am 95% of the time, sometimes people do come along and change that. Different people affect us in different ways I guess. And I love the idea of being in the same peapod as KK. That’s a good place to be!
Tacoma Washington! – A bus buddy. Thanks for defining!
I am going to play devils advocate here for a minute. You keep saying its just sex. Well, if it is just sex why are we still talking about everything BUT the sex for the last week? Could it be that you actually like this guy? And why if he is stalking you did you have just sex with him? I usually call the cops on stalkers not go to their house and have hot steamy sex with them. Is there a plot twist to explain all this?
The title ‘bus buddy’ is fantastic, just have to say.
As I’ve said, I hope things work out, you shouldn’t ever have to feel boxed in, especially by someone you’ve just met/gotten involved with.
DC Ski Bunny – It’s a good point you bring up. I was wondering when someone would point this out. Now, to answer your question, I sort of half answered it in the 2nd to last paragraph – I thought (foolishly so) that I could convert this to just sex. The man is hot, and I figured if we could be on the same page about this that it would be great. I’m not understanding where you’ve missed the point but on Friday night we had a conversation and I just said all I can do right now is a sex-only arrangement. The going to the concert / showing up at my house were annoying, but not deal breakers. Only when did my underwear reinvent themselves as a souvenir and I was told that it was about more than sex did I realize that all this was not going to work out how I wanted.
Living in Dupont – Catching up on some reading today! And yes, I hate being boxed in.
‘who the hell can misinterpret, I want to have sex with you.?’
hot damn that’s funny.
as for this guy, i’m no expert, but it seems that since his head is so far up his ass, maybe he just didn’t hear you say ‘no’ all those times.
but seriously though, nothing is more obnoxious than people who can’t take a hint.
HA! Good point. It takes a seriously misguided male to misinterpret I JUST WANT SEX.
I’m totally using you Velvet; writing my own blog is no way near as interesting as commenting here… Mine’s all political and stuff. Your blog is fun!
And regarding his reading the blog, let’s let Mr. “I learned how to talk to women by reading pirate romance novels” take some responsibility here. He knew you had a dating blog before he started dating you. Then he acts all crazy, which he had to know would be blogged about.
Is it possible he’s merely a real-life version of a blog troll? Purposely being a moron, to get himself blogged about?
I have not read everyone’s comments yet but I will just add:
1) He is not respecting your wishes (such as don’t come over, it’s just sex etc.)
2) You are not ready for a relationship, but it is good that you are being honest about it.
PS: I can’t find a woman to have “just sex” or “not just sex” with me. I’ll take either at this point!
Wow, I go to the beach for a couple of days and miss these posts?
In my experience, the short relationships hurt the most, so it’s not strange that you feel that way, Velvet. When things in long relationships are over, you know long before it’s official, so you’re prepared. If things in short relationships turn sour, there’s definitely not enough time to get ready.
Oh, and Sherlock? Stop messing things up with the one girl in DC who is being clear about what she wants.
PS: Do you REALLY think your family skips over theses warning posts? Hah, I bet it’s the only one’s they read!
Rix – More new people! I love it!! I don’t know who can misinterpret that line.
I’m still dreaming – Unless he was playing a game with me?
Dan – I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose. Jury is out on that one.
Cosmic – Good lord, what took you so long. Hey…psst…want to have sex with me?
KM – I’m direct. No one ever said I wasn’t.
Cosmic – I would know if my parents were on. Not only would I see them on my stats, but I would get that call from my dad: “Velvet, you bring on these stalkers by having sex with them.” Though when I confessed to my dad about a really serious dating issue, he listened to everything as I cried through it and said, “Well, look at it like this. You still got it!” My mom was on the extension (yes, they do the Seinfeld thing) screaming, “Stop! She’s in trouble!!!!!”
I feel like I should toe the line on this issue. If I were to use a woman like this, I would be rightly called a shit by friends and everyone.
But what do I know? I’m just a man trying to figure my own life out. I doubt anyone will miss me, but I won’t be back.
Okay, my opinion is changing.
We are now into a phase that is not-so-subtly echoing of emotional manipulation. Disregarding what you want, trying to change the goal posts again…
You need to end contact with this guy. Forget bus buddy, how about a nothin’ buddy. He just won’t learn, because he is refusing to see past what he wants.
I am very sad to say it, but some people don’t get it that you can’t make people love you. For being so smart, Sherlock, you’re being super dumb.
Although I agree with Siryn (and often do), I would rather take the counter intuitive stance, of: take what you want from him, and let him deal with the mess.
I mean, damn.
Maybe you’re worried about karma, but this is sex we’re talking about. Guys do it all the time, even when they like the girl.
Playful: I totally disagree. F karma, and F what guys do. Follow what is in your heart… and if you care about others, then behave accordingly.
Sherlock said: “Velvet, are you trying to tell me that I should just bang you without any emotional attachment?”
Velvet: “No shit, Sherlock.”
So I read that you’ve only know Sherlock for 9 days. No wonder you’re freaking out about how overly head-over-heals he’s gotten. Hell, I’d be freakin out and moving to a different zip code. I don’t necessarily believe in love at first sight, or that “I knew the moment our eyes met” feeling. He has got to get to know you first. Just b/c he reads your blog doesn’t mean he has the right to pack up his bags and move right on into your heart. Yes, it is creapy & he’s assuming WAY too much. Oh, and I have to ditto everything QofQ said above. Amen sista!
Chuckles – I don’t see how anyone is using the other when the expectations are set forth clearly. I’m not sure you get it, but since you aren’t coming back, oh well.
Siryn – Uh boy. When your opinion changes from benefit of doubt to no doubts at all, I know you’re on to something.
Playful – You are right. Guys DO do this all the time. Though if you look at Chuckles comment above, you would think I’m the anti-christ.
Cosmic – You were just WAITING for a time to spring your little joke weren’t you?
Bejeweled – I believe less in love at first sight or “just knowing” now than I did at 22. In my 20’s, everyone was perfect and I had no issue. But as you get older and your tastes and preferences change, it becomes harder to nail that down in someone on just a few dates.
Um, I must say I’m a little worried about you re: Sherlock. He seems more than a bit pushy for someone you just met. Here’s hoping you’ve got deadbolt locks and Thora + Sammy on the alert.
Playful, love ya, but I must continue to disagree. The guy is an energy vampire. She has to spend too much time telling him what the score is. Life is too short for this kind of drama. If she were to do the playa thing where she says “sure, hon, whatever”, it wouldn’t be Velvet. That is just not her style – too honest.
I reiterate: kick this guy to the curb and leave tire tracks.
Tell him you love him, he can’t see anyone else, call him constantly, tell him you want to get married and have his babies. That ought to run him off in, oh, about 2 seconds. Your resistance is inflaming his imagination.