Yes everyone. Last night yours truly went out with a man 15 years older than I am. I’m really pushing that age limit thing, aren’t I? It’s my hope that there is a point in time that these men actually grow up. Since we’ve discovered that most are children well through their 30’s, I set my sights on the 40’s. This one last night? 48 baby. When I went from dating the guy in the next dorm to the guy who is planning his 50th bash and doubling up his IRA contributions in preparation for retirement is beyond me.
I met him at a bar downtown. I’m over disclosing locations because frankly, I don’t need certain people showing up there. So, from here on out, any location I disclose will be a lie. Damn! Cause I hate lying to you kids.
I called from outside because I have not embraced that whole “walk into a bar looking for someone you probably won’t recognize” thing. We’re on the phone, find each other, and sit down. He’s really quite good looking. I order a beer, he is finishing what I assume to be his first gin and tonic, and orders a second. He informed me that he isn’t working this entire month, so he’s going to get good and liquored up. Um, okay. He made good on that bet, he really did drink a lot. He was drinking doubles the entire time. I had just my one beer. So, the drinking thing could be an issue. But anyway.
We had great conversation. We told stories, I’m full of them as a matter of fact. I never lack for conversation on a date. I had told him in an email that I was a bit gunshy, and he asked why last night. I had to recount the whole last 4 months of drama, and he said he’s surprised I’m dating at all. Then I told him I had a dating blog to support. KIDDING! I have learned, I will never do that again. He did garner major points for coming out with my favorite political statement ever: “I’m socially liberal and fiscally conservative.” Wooooo hoooo!!!!
He wanted to eat, so we got a table and ordered a bunch of appetizers and ate and ate and ate. He paid the bill, despite my attempts to throw money at him, and we made our way to the street. I said I was going to grab a cab, because of attempted mugging the other night, and he hailed one for me. A hug and a kiss goodbye and I was off. Verdict? I’d “throw him into the rotation” as the Queen of Quantity says, but I’m not sure. He sent me a text this morning and an email, saying he had a good time and wanted to do it again. I’m game, but I realize that I’m not as happy and smiley as I was say, after my first date with Sherlock. This leads me to wonder – am I losing steam again or is he just not the right guy? Jury still out.
So, back to last night for a second. The cabbie asks me how I’m doing and I tell him I’m fine, and that I’m taking this cab because I was almost mugged the other night. He starts telling me I need to get Tim Larkin’s self defense tapes or something. He spends the ride describing the tapes, telling me that the aim of them is to fight to kill, not fight to fight. The tapes allegedly tell you how to disarm someone in a few moves, by going for the pressure points. Then we get to my place and I’ve got one foot out of the car and he won’t stop talking. He puts the car in park. He takes off his seatbelt, he’s describing things in the tape, telling me I need to buy it. Then he turns off the engine and continues talking. So I’m like, “Holy hell, these tapes sound great.” I go upstairs and check it out online and find that the tapes cost a few million dollars.
I can always get suckered into buying things, especially with such an enthusiastic recommendation like that, but damn. Why are the tapes so expensive? If I knew how to kill someone with one shot of my hand to a body part, I’d tell everyone for free. Why charge so much money? I checked him out on some message boards and people didn’t have very nice things to say about him. Anyone hear of him? Anyone have any other ideas of what I could buy to learn? Perhaps I’m resigned to just breaking someone’s knee if they attack me, since that’s what I can do best.
Won’t cost a million dollars and will be great for supplementing your time in the gym. And maybe you’ll meet someone you like…!
As for older dude – is it worth a second date? Or is the drinking red flag that huge?
Wait why are you going out with this 50 year old if the sex with the other guy was so great?
You are correct… drinking could be an issue. The issue being YOU NEED TO DRINK MORE THAN ONE BEER!
And your excitement towards these “how to kill” tapes should be sending you a message.
“I’m game, but I realize that I’m not as happy and smiley as I was say, after my first date with Sherlock. This leads me to wonder – am I losing steam again or is he just not the right guy? Jury still out.”
I always find that a difficult question.
I dated a man 14 years my senior about two years ago. He was brilliant, charming, sexy, and had the most delicious british accent. On our first date we drank a couple bottles of wine and went back to his place. He kept drinking and in the morning he poured himself a beer. I should have followed my instincts then. We worked together when I lived in NY and then kept on seeing each other for a few months when I moved back to DC. He’d take the train down or I’d take the train up, he’d get us a fancy suite in some hotel and we’d have a boozy, sex-filled weekend. Apart from those weekends, though, it was bad. He may have been nearly 40, but he was as immature as a Georgetown frat boy. And the drinking…well it was a problem. A big problem. Near the end I started getting slurry drunk calls, long ranting e-mails, poorly spelled text messages. Finally I told him to disappear. A couple months later he called to tell me he was moving back to London and going into rehab. We’ve since reconnected and he’s constantly offering me a ticket to come visit him in the UK, but I’m just not into it anymore. I love him as a friend, but the attraction died several hundred drinks ago.
“Perhaps I’m resigned to just breaking someones knee if they attack me, since thats what I can do best.”
So you’ve done this before, Velvet?
You don’t really need expensive tapes for self defense. In my self defense class I took in college, I just learned to go for people’s most vulnerable points, like claw them in the eyes. You have to be close enough to do that of course, but you have to be pretty close to do just about any self defense outside of a gun. Clawing people in the eyes is a horrible thing to do, but so is whatever they are planning on doing to you.
Just be sure before you start taking someone out that the person is not armed or else do it quickly. God, what is this world coming to that a 30-year-old woman has to be so prepared in self-defense? As for the older guy, he’s almost old enough to be your father. Nice, but defititely not exciting enough for your lifestyle. How many more possibilities this week?
The drinking is a yellow flag, especially on a first date where he should be trying to get a clear impression of you and represent himself at his best. In other respects, though, he seems a decent guy and probably worth a second.
I encourage you to get some self-defense training. Even though you are fit and alert, strength or surprise could overcome your basic abilities. You’ll probably get recommendations from people whose judgement you trust more than a cabbie, but please give it some thought.
So the alki older guy was good looking? Pierce Brosnan good looking? It may be worth the rotation, as you put it. At 48 it’s not like he has dentures (better check, though), but he’s definitely high on the mileage. That’s one double G&T too many.
Maybe you can test him with these pressure point thing. Suggest a self-defense class together, and see what happens. If he keels over and has a heart attack, he may not be “sponge worthy”. Hey – just ’cause you can drink doesn’t mean you can handle aerobic exercise, if you get my drift.
Drinking doubles on a first date? No. NEXT!
I took a self defense class in college. I can teach you how to pop someone’s eye out, pull off an ear, and throw someone over your shoulder the next time I see ya. 😉
In theatre, we just know how to make it LOOK real.
Doubles…ack. Pick up the check? Sure. Maybe you just made a good non-blogger friend. (Not like you need a bigger posse.)
The first date binging is a little questionable. Whether or not that should be a dealbreaker for you, I can’t say. I will say that you are just getting out of a bad situation, and you are gunshy for a reason. If you feel at all uneasy about the Pensioner (I kid), don’t see him again.
And I’ll volunteer to take a self-defense class with you, if you are interested. Up until now, my plan of action has been to make loud whooping noises and repeatedly smack myself in the face. No perv wants to abduct a Crazy. That’s my theory, anyway.
I took a Rape Self- Agreession defense class in college (University of MD). It was really an amazing experience – it was the kind where you fight the guy in the suit at the end of it and was SO empowering. I highly recommend it! You should get KK to go with you.
I have no advice on the older guy, but have fun 🙂
Generally the heavy drinking doesn’t begin until you’ve relaxed with someone. Either this guy was very relaxed, or that WAS him being restrained. With that much in his system, he’s not going to be able to rise to the occasion, should you deem him worthy of performing his main function.
With regard to self-defense: Don’t forget to follow up with a good testicle-popping kick or three to the groin after you’ve nailed the knee. I’ve always found that I have little energy for anything other than the aching nads after I’ve received a blow there (although I’ve always received mine via a football or racquetball, not a woman’s pointy shoe).
Maturity? Um, yeah, about that. I’m 38 (only 38? Can I please look at it that way?) and don’t really see maturity setting in any time soon. I think there’s a very small window of opportunity for male of maturity, say somewhere around 78 to 83. After that, we start to regress again, so good luck with that. I’m so lucky I have a tolerant wife . . .
Siryn – That website is hilarious! How on earth did you find that?
Lucky – You crack me up. Are you new here? Did you not read all the stuff that happened with the last one? Or are you one of his friends? Hmmm??? (scratching chin…)
Cosmic – I don’t drink during the week. I’m too busy to have to worry about not waking up out of my stupor.
drm – Welcome. And maybe one day we’ll find out the answer to that question.
Alejandra – Holy hell! That story is nuts! Sometimes when you watching someone else be a lush is sobering.
KM – Some dumb whore did it to me, and I paid dearly. But I realized that in her stupidity, I learned something powerful. We were kickboxing and the Sensei stopped everyone to point and ridicule this girl for what she did.
i’m still dreaming – I think the adrenaline rush was enough to allow me to take out all my anger on that foolish child for even THINKING what he was thinking of doing.
Barbara – My neighborhood has turned into cracktown. It’s our district that is throwing all the crime stats out of whack in the city.
Bill – This cabbie was hilarious! But no, I don’t need million dollar self defense tapes.
Raincouver – This made me laugh my ass off. You are too funny.
Cubie – I’m running out of men though!
Sweet – You’re on! Show me show me show me!
Playful in whereever the hell you are now – I haven’t heard the “make it a double” in, well, forever.
Freckled – I just got an image of Larry Curly and Moe when you divulged your theory on getting attacked.
A – I need to get KK with me and go. Definitely.
I’ve always wanted to know how to kick ass.
I looked into it when I heard about it on one of my alumni mailing lists. It’s a nice, practical form of martial arts that is more street smart, and sounds perfect for what you need. I almost started taking classes myself, but I ended up moving. I’m still interested in learning.
Dating a guy who is that significantly your senior and orders doubles on the first date is a big brown flag — because you are about to be in the shit.
Do you really want to realize in a month’s time that you’re actually going out with an old drunk?
I agree with the others. Slamming doubles is not good first date behaviour. Might be good drinking buddy behaviour. The fact that you thought more about self-defense after the date makes for a pretty cut & dry decision.
Nato – I will never forget the old kick in the nuts method! It’s what we girls learn after we learn to suck the nipple.
Serena – Maybe we should take this class Siryn sent the link for? Though 5:15 during the week. Lord. I’m still picking my ass in Gaitherburg at 6!! I need more like an 8:00 class.
Siryn – You don’t need self-defense now. You live in the blissful crime free NYC, courtesy of Rudy Giuliani.
GIULIANI 2008 BABY!!!!!!
Jeff – You are right. I know. But I did just agree via email to a 2nd date, where he asked if we could play pool and I said, “If you drink like last night, I’ll mop the floor with you!” Hmm. Me and my mouth. Together forever.
Old Lady – I wouldn’t say he was slamming them, but he was, actively drinking. Anyway, I always think about self defense, I would like to kick some serious ass. Unfortunately, my penchant for flip flops or 4 inch heels is not going to help when I need the top of my foot to do some serious damage.
The guy sounds great besides the boozing. I agree with everyone that has said that. I had a friend who went out with an alcholic (who was a great guy aside from that) and it made her life a nightmare. I would give him another chance…rotation as you said…but be on the look out for other warning signs.
PS I tried to take Krav Maga for self- defense…did not work so well…it was HARD!! 😉
Alejandra describe my last dude to a tee. I just got out of a relationship with a guy 14 yrs older. He was cute/sweet but, he drank alot, and I ignored it (big mistake). We always had a great time together, there were expensive trips, gifts and nights out. Then the tide turned and it was you have too many male friends, when are you gonna grow up,I’m older and wiser….blah,blah,blah. Trust me run away, or just be friends if he gives you great gifts, but do not buy into the old guy game.
That’s like Abe Lincoln’s wife saying “the play was great, besides the shooting.”
Samantha — “just be friends if he gives you great gifts?” Don’t mess with no broke ninjas, do you?
Velvet – You deserve the butterflies and the non-stop grinning. Hold out for it. You’ll find it.
Also, I can vouch for Lucky. He is harmless. And by harmless I mean totally studly (did I say that right Lucky?)
So was he toasted from the doubles?
Self-defense classes would be FUN!
Yes I think I read most of it, sex guy was just really way to into you and wanted more than you were ready for right? You just needed to keep telling him to back off and enjoy hot summer sex.
I assume you are 30-something so this thing with the halfway to a hundred man will only end in tears. Plus, contrary to popular belief, alcohol does not make men better or more passionate lovers (it’s science)
I’m not a friend of the sex dude, (though I can certainly empathize with his side of the story being quite an amazing lover myself (it’s a curse)) I only wound up here because I’m a casual friend of Bug.
TAKE MY ADVICE. Keep fucking the good sex guy, it’s the american way, and if you stop, the terrorists win. We don’t want that, do we?
oh and thanks for the vouching Marci, studly sounds a little 80s but you’ve got the concept right.
(I prefer devastatingly handsome)
Jeff-My point exactly. 🙂
Maybe you can start a self-defense class for bloggers…using our fingers to gouge to eyes of criminal types….
I no longer go for guys with whom I feel an immediate spark. I tend to have that crazy chemistry with guys who end up being alcoholics or addicts or are otherwise crazy. Been there, done that often enough to not want to go through it any more.
With my recent guy, there was something that I really liked about him, but it wasn’t the usual high-powered crush that I was used to. However, a great chemistry began to build as I spent more time with him. We’ve only been together about 4 months, so it’s early yet, but so far it’s been really lovely- calm, sane, stable.
All that to say, I’m glad you accepted a second date with this guy. It seems that you feel that spark with guys who are obsessive stalkers. It might be worth it for you to go on several dates with a guy who doesn’t do it for you right away, but who you recognize has good, stable relationship potential- good practice to see if anything builds. I really used to believe that if there wasn’t an “I can’t keep my hands off him” vibe going on early on, that it was pointless. But I now know that it IS possible for that kind of vibe to develop over time, and it’s based on things in addition to physical attraction (how well he treats you, trust, and just wanting to get closer to a great guy).
Any first dates that I’ve had where heavy drinking was involved on his part didn’t end well – one with someone falling against me saying “but, can I just take your pants off?” Just sayin’ – it’s not an auspicious beginning, especially if he got noticeably drunk (did he?).
And sadly, age and maturity are completely unrelated.
I’ve been dating an older man (14 yrs older) off and on for 2 years now, and the difference with youger guys is very very noticeable. If it weren’t for a few details (mostly his 3, yes THREE kids) I would consider him as a very good prospect. He is mature, economically stable, has great conversation, and we’ve got the hots for each other :D. But there’s the 3 kids……. do I want that for the rest of my life?
Now the drinking might be a problem, take a couple of things in consideration: did he get drunk? does he drink everyday? maybe he was nervous, thus the heavy drinking?
On the other hand, if there’s no chemistry, end it.
KK – So you wouldn’t do it again with me? And why does it have to be so hard? In the 70’s movies, they just Karate Chop someone once and they are down. Could TV be leading me astray?
Samantha – Now you and Alejandra are making me wonder. Is this kind of drinking a symptom of men who are in their 40’s and still single? Hmm. Wondering what the stats are on that. My ex, who I’ve referred to as Jack, was 42 and I was 28 when we dated. He was a major alcoholic, and a druggie. But that’s water under the bridge.
Jeff – You were a little snarky yesterday. Hoping you’re better!
Marci – Must…hit…redneck…bar…again…soon! Lucky is studly? Huh. Who knew? And I shall hold out for non-stop grinning. I promise.
Scarlet – Yes, I would say he was drunk. He was telling stories and got distracted pretty fast. We’ll see how a 2nd date turns out.
Lucky – Your advice sucks ass! Keep fucking the good sex guy? Have you lost your mind? And you hate cowboy hats? I’m not sure what to do with you. Bug and Marci need to spank you. You’ve gone all wrong. ALL WRONG!
Circumlocutor – Only if you come with!
Jennetic – You’re alive! I was wondering about you the other day. Yes, my spark-o-meter is way in need of some tuning up.
Mandy – And another who is back! I’d say he was noticably drunk, yes.
Caribbean Lurker – A man with kids? eek! Should there be chemistry after only one date? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not though.
sounds like the guy’s a real chocoholic–but for booze.
I never sad I hate cowboy hats. Just that cowboy hats are worn predominantly by homosexual party animals, (at least on the east coast)
If you are smart you will listen to my advice. According to the University of Michigan’s alcohol and sex page;
“Heavy Drinking dulls sensation and makes it more difficult for men to have an erection and women to reach orgasm. Women may be less lubricated and intercourse may be uncomfortable or painful. As Shakespeare said, “It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” ”
Someone at his advanced age? Drinking that much? He’s trying to forget something, or at least make it less painful.
Did the other guy do something super crazy that I didn’t read?
Lucky – thanks for the effort bro, but didn’t you hear? I’m a creepy, psycho, stalker, who doesn’t know how to take a hint … being good in bed notwithstanding (you’re right, it IS a curse!). So give the girl a break, OK? She’s SO over me. Even if I did hold my liquor just fine …
Velv’s – public apology in 3-2-1 … I am truly sorry for all our misunderstandings and wish you all the best. Obviously I’m still reading (you know you would too), but I’m dating other people, and you KNOW that I’m harmless (albeit admittedly annoying — but hey, I’m a guy, what do you expect?). You are a ball-buster, but a sweetheart nonetheless and you deserve whatever it is that you’re looking for. So again, sincerely, I am sorry. I never liked chi cha anyway, you can have it … but st. ex is fair game.
And people, I have thick skin. Feel free to throw me under the bus in the name of supporting your girl Velvet. Forgive me if I don’t reply to anyone’s attacks, but I’m no good at publicly defending myself and remember, it’s her world: she is ALWAYS right.
So thanks for the memories, Love. 2006 will always go down as the Summer of Velvet.
I don’t know if it was a 40s thing. I always assumed it was a British thing…they’re all lushes.
But seriously, at first it’s fun, especially if you’re both drinking. But the difference is so obvious once you stop and you realize that not only does he not want to stop…he can’t. I think the first time I realized it was a problem was when he ordered up a bottle of Dom on one of our little weekends. I had been taking a nap and when I woke up, not only had he already opened the bottle without me, but he’d mostly finished it.
The sex was fantastic though no “dulled sensation” there…of course he also used to drop Cialis for “fun.”
Ugh…just typing this makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking…
So Sherlock, does that mean you’ll also stop running by the dogpark?
dude, the guy is 48. he has this month off. he’s out with a girl 14 years his junior. i’d be ordering doubles too. life is NEVER that good. but whatever, all you puritanical booze is bad types can slag off. if i’m ever in that same situation, i’m ordering belts of scotch by the fucking bucket.
I’ve learned through experience that I can’t always trust the spark. (That sounds like a good t-shirt!) Like Jennetic was saying, I tend to be attracted to guys who are ultimately bad for me. Why gravitate towards dysfunction? If I had the answer, life would be much easier… but for now, I’m much more willing to give someone a chance even if there’s not that instant “gotta have it!” feeling.
As for this guy, a 2nd date can’t do much harm but like everyone has said, keep an eye out for the drinking. Social drinking is fun, but an addiction is not.
(PS – I *love* that these comments include a Shakespeare quote in reference to ED!)