Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

That’s What You Get For Falling in Love

The Thora update is, well, there’s not really an update. Yesterday morning I woke up, went for a run, and called AtlantaBoy as planned. He has yet to call back. From YESTERDAY MORNING. Typical. Fucking typical. Reason #754 why we are no longer together: his irresponsibility.

Last night as I was falling asleep Thora let out a deep breath. I looked over at her and she was laying on her stomach with her head on top of her paws, staring out the window. I rolled over on to my side and said, “He’s not coming baby.” She didn’t turn to look at me, just kept staring out the window. I swear that my dogs understand me when I speak to them. Then I thought about how awful it would be if he and I had gotten married and had kids that we had to share in this manner. He would never show up to get them. Everything happens for a reason I suppose.

While I’m barely an eater when I’m in D.C., I’ve been steadily eating my way through Atlanta, hitting all the old favorites. Side note: for anyone who also had a love affair with Fratelli di Napoli, it’s no longer that good, so don’t bother. Knowing that I’ve become an eating machine, I was quite pleased to discover that the gym I still pay for has a location across from my friend’s house. I went over there Sunday to plan my workouts, grabbing a schedule for their group classes just for the hell of it.

Normally I don’t participate in “group classes” because, well, they just annoy the fuck out of me. I make my one exception for delicious Mike, at my gym in D.C., who can run a weightlifting class like boot camp, incapacitating me to the point where I actually consider calling a cab to take me three blocks home. But when I saw the group schedule, something caught my eye.

Gin Miller was teaching a class. Who is Gin Miller you ask? Aside from being world famous in the fitness industry, her major claim to fame is that she invented step aerobics. There was no way once I saw that, that I wasn’t dragging my fat overeating ass to the gym.

During the class, someone actually yelled “yee haw” instead of the normal “woo hoo” you hear in other cities, reminding me I was in the south again. After class, Hotbox and I (yes, that’s her name for this blog, and yes, it came from exactly where you think it did) went up to say hi to her. Hotbox asked me if I was creaming my pants. Not quite, bitch. Anyway, Gin had said during class that she was selling her house. So we asked her if she was leaving the area. She said no, that she was just moving north a little and had to sell the house because she was getting divorced.

We got out to the parking lot and Hotbox said, “See? You can be totally gorgeous, have a great body, be sweet as pie, have a great job and your husband will still divorce you.” Amen.

Oh. Shucks. Did I just say “Amen?” Heavens to Betsy, I reckon I’ve been in the south too long! Better get out of here in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.


  1. Rachel

    Every time I hear about a man leaving a great woman the song “Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone” runs over and over in my head.
    Hope you are having fun eating your way through the south. Have some great Southern BBQ for me!

  2. AlieMalie

    haven’t been in the South long enough if you’re not saying y’all yet.

    THEN you will have been in the South too long. like me. but i’m moving. to Canada.

  3. Pagan Marbury

    Every time I go home to Georgia I get back to DC with an atrocious accent that takes me days to lose. Glad about your dog- she doesn’t need him reintroduced to her life.

  4. Drunken Chud

    Hotbox? i’ve given it some thought, and i’m not sure how she got the nickname. i’ve concluded it is 4 distinct possibilities they are:
    1. She has a gorgeous looking box
    2. Her box is always hot (and ready?)
    3. Cigarette/weed smoking reference
    4. she enjoys the comfort of a hot confined space

    and rachel, just cuz a woman seems great to the outside world, doesn’t mean she’s not a soul sucking nagging loveless bitch at home.

  5. Siryn

    Poor Thora.

    You really did dodge a bullet there with that guy. Good gracious.

    As for Gin… maybe she’s divorcing HIM, not the other way around. Most women file, anyway.

  6. Red

    You sound much better than you have in a long time.
    Give my best to Thora.

  7. Needtsza

    You’re too funny.

    Divorce can happen because one person breathed wrong. I mean, this breakup/divorce crap goes on so much, it’s hard to think about marrying anyway.

    The optimism is just drained from me when I read the paper, watch the news,….

    (not to skip over it, I’m totally sure your dogs understand you and will go through some sort of withdrawal too)

    Cool that you meet an icon in the fitness industry =) As a PT, that’s super cool.

    Btw, you like that bootcamp style training? That’s the stuff I used to instruct when I did group classes.

    Good stuff. Enjoy your trip. How long ya gone for?

  8. Dara

    I think it’s understandable to pick up the accent when you’re physically in the south for long enough. Everyone is so syrupy sweet, it just catches.

  9. Needtsza

    i love people of the south. well, mostly. the attitude is good. the bodys are …they go to two extremes, huh? The ones that eat only meat and meat. and the ones that are rediculously hot!

    Different places, different people. Travelling is fun, huh? Enjoy!!

  10. Nikki

    Oooo, please give Thora an extra back scratch for me. Poor girl.

  11. NR

    “just cuz a woman seems great to the outside world, doesnt mean shes not a soul sucking nagging loveless bitch at home.” – DrunkenChud

    Man, I’ve been thinking the same thing about Velvet since I started reading. I’m just glad someone was able to say it out loud. 😉 Man, I hate emotes.

    Dogs do have an amazing ability to figure out what’s going on. I had a client with a really cool dog story. She was lying on the couch and the dog shoved his snout into her breast really hard. She shoved him away and he did it again. Her breast where the dog hit it hurt really bad and the feeling didn’t totally go away so she saw her doctor. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and it was caught early enough that she’s doing really great. That’s cool. Really fucking cool.

  12. NR

    I said “man” twice in one paragraph. Grr.

  13. Luck O' the Irish

    You know you’re in the south when:
    1) you are drinking swait tay
    2) you have to MASH the elevator button
    3) you need a buggy at the grocery store
    4) and you are fixin’ to do something. Like kick that guy’s ass for letting you and the pooch down.

    Ah yes, 10 years of living in NC has all come rushing back to me y’all!

  14. Velvet

    Rachel – I’m a veg…but I’ll think about eating some BBQ for you!

    AlieMalie – I never stopped saying y’all from the last time I was here.

    Pagan – Sometimes things just have that way of working out for the best, don’t they?

    Aah Chud – No more calls, we have a winner. I would say that items 1 & 2 are the ticket to winning this round.

    Siryn – She didn’t seem too broken up about it. Perhaps you’re right.

    Red – Thanks, will do.

    Needtsza – The bootcamp stuff is good. I workout enough that my body is rarely sore anymore. So when someone really pushes me to my max, and I wake up sore, then I’m happy.

    Dara – It’s true that everyone here is so sweet, but there is also this little fact about southerners. They can be sweet to your face and nasty behind your back. Not often, but it happens. I grew up in a place where if you didn’t like someone, you just said it: “I don’t like you. Get away from my Monte Carlo.”

    Needtsza – Yes, the sweet tea and chicken fried steak can wreak havoc on many a svelte figure down here.

    Nikki – Thora just got in a fight with one of Hotbox’s dogs. She’s shaking. But I think she started it. She’s a badass.

    NR – You’ve been thinking that I’m a loveless bitch? I thought we bonded after your oh-so-inspiring email you sent me?

    Luck – MMMMMMMMM I cannot get enough SWAIT TAY here. I might have to bottle it up and bring it back in my gas tank. Though, I’m sure that would cause other problems.

  15. Ashburnite

    awww…poor Thora. But at least you don’t have to worry about her being dog-napped.

  16. NR

    Hey, there was a wink there! I winked! Even though I hate emotes. I winked for you!

    Now I’m back to wishing there was a symbol that denoted sarcasm. My snarkiness is equal opportunity, but in many cases (including yours) it is just good natured ribbing. Not not be confused with the ribbing on a condom. That would be silly.

  17. Old Lady

    It doesn’t take long to git back in the fold.

  18. kokonutz

    How do you know Gin’s future ex-husband didn’t walk in on her banging a firefighter or, worse, a cop? Happens all the time, TRUST me!

  19. Bill

    Of course Thora understands you. Dogs know way more about us than we’d be comfortable with if they were people.

    “I wasnt dragging my fat overeating ass to the gym”

    You carry a decoy ass around with you? Why? You go to a needs-testing gym? Applying for a job with DCPD? Any such claim about your original equipment is just not credible, Velvet. Amen, anyone?

  20. NR

    I second the motion on the floor. I double second the motion.

  21. Velvet

    What? Double second huh? There is a picture of my ass on this website you know.

  22. NR

    It’s my wallpaper.

    I’m kidding, but yes there is a pic of your ass and it is certainly not fat.

  23. zenchick

    I had the same thought as Siryn-how do you know *she* didn’t leave him? Or, the more common, far less clear the-whole-thing-fell-apart-and-it’s-both-and-nobody’s-fault.

  24. scarlet

    I want to hear your new (?) accent.

  25. NR

    Why is everything in italics now? I’m sorry, Velvet, I broke your website.

  26. Velvet

    Jesus. Everything IS in italics. Damn you! No more underwear pics for you!

  27. NR


  28. NR

    Lets see if that works

  29. NR

    Nope I totally broke it

  30. Bill

    Velvet, you refer to the ass in the black-and-pink from VS as fat? You’re entitled to your opinion. Care to put it to a vote? Let’s see your campaign posters!

  31. NR

    Did that turn off italics?

  32. NR

    How about that?

  33. Needtsza

    underwear pics? did someone say underwear pics?


  34. NR broke the internet!

  35. I-66


    Hotbox is Hotbox because she has a…

  36. Washington Cube

    …hot box.

  37. Barbara

    Is Aunt Pitty Pat’s Kitchen still there? They probably cook everything with lard, but it is soooo good. I love southern cooking. That’s the one thing from the south that I really miss.

    As for dogs, I too believe they understand us. It’s just too bad we can’t equate those barks to words so we know what they are saying. In Thora’s case, it’s just a good thing that Mommy got custody…

  38. Velvet

    It’s my tempate. It’s all screwy. I don’t know why the italics won’t go away. Huh. Siryn could probably figure it out. She’s good at this stuff.

  39. Paige Jennifer

    You only need to be concerned when y’all, ma’am, sweet tea and gun-rack become part of your verbal repertoire. Otherwise, you’re still formally a Yankee.

  40. NR

    So I’m sitting here in my kilt and I had a thought about your ass. Not so much about your ass, but rather, how does one take a picture of their ass? Do they still make cameras with timers? Did Sammy (the love of your life) take the photo? Just a random thought I had.

  41. Siryn

    NR, you need to understand that HTML needs CLOSING tags, like </i>. You are using two open tags – <i> <i>, and it’s screwing up the page because the comment system doesn’t close the tag for you, and it’s not separating each comment from the others stylistically. Every open tag needs a closing tag or else what follows will remain in the style of the tag.

    You need to use one of each. <i> </i>

  42. Velvet

    Problems fixed, comments edited. No more italics!

  43. NR

    Yeah I realized what I did after I did it. Comment 31 was me trying to belatedly close the tags that went on forever. I also tried the HTML code that my blogs template uses after italics, that was comment 32. I won’t make that mistake again. Probably. But thanks for being condescending anyway.

  44. I-66

    I just want to say that I love Cube for finishing that sentence.

  45. Siryn

    NR, that’s your own insecurity speaking. I was just trying to teach, not look down on you.

  46. NR

    Oh? If you say so I’ll believe you, but the all caps “closing” seemed to give away your tone. Something I like to do is read my post before I pos tthem and try to setermine how it will be read so as to eliminate confusion as to whether or not I’m being rude accidentally. Additionally, you could have said what you wanted to say in an email rather than a public forum if you wanted to berate me.

    I’m not sure if you looked at the stuff that needed to be fixed, but if you had, you would have seen me trying to fix the problem in later posts. I emailed Velvet yesterday morning and told her what to do to fix the italics problem. I was in need of access to the HTML, not a lesson.

    Oh, and I have no issues with security. I’m just snarky like this. Cheers!

  47. Siryn

    I did, and I saw that you attempted to fix the problem but reiterated the same mistake.

  48. Drunken Chud


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