Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Sweet Rocking Sugar Coated Candy Man

Sherlock and I went out to dinner tonight to our new favorite restaurant. After we were done eating, I jumped up and down in my chair and clapped my hands while screaming, “MILK DUDS MILK DUDS MILK DUDS.” Sherlock said, “You want Milk Duds?” See, Sherlock has come to understand that when I want chocolate, I really want chocolate with caramel. Milk Duds usually do the trick, but sometimes Rolos or Sugar Babies also work. He also knows that they don’t sell Milk Duds at the 7-11 by his place. So we had to walk a little for them. 29 degrees out there. It’s cold.

We got to the store and he asked me to find him some lip balm. I went off in search of that and shortly after finding it and picking every lip balm product they had and putting it in the basket, I stumbled on the Valentine’s Day Candy. YAY! I love buying those stupid heart shaped cardboard boxes and then eating all the chocolate myself. But, wait! I don’t have to do that this year. I have someone to eat it with. Hooray! So, I started looking through the options and Sherlock came up behind me.

Sherlock: What are you doing? These don’t look like chapsticks or Milk Duds.
Velvet: I’m buying Valentine’s Day Candy. Will you be my Valentine?
Sherlock: Yes, of course. Are we waiting until Valentine’s Day to eat the candy?
Velvet: No. We’re going to sit on the couch and watch the movie and eat it all tonight.

This made Sherlock smile. I thought that our plan was set in stone.

We got home and he had to try to get a stain out of my shirt where some wayward food landed after I didn’t try hard enough to get it into my mouth. I unpacked the bags from the store, (that means I just threw everything on the counter,) and opened the coveted and very exciting Heart Shaped Box of candy. I put the legend out on the counter so we would know what was what. Then I grabbed my soda and the pretzels and headed into the living room. I thought he was just behind me with the chocolate since he had JUST SAID, “I won’t make popcorn, we can just have a chocolate night.”

I got to the couch and he’s not behind me. I waited. And waited. And waited! Then I said, “What are you doing?”

He popped his head out from around the corner and said “Me?” Aggravated, I said, “Yesssss,” and as I said it I noticed that his mouth was moving. He had some food in there. I said, “What are you DOING?” He said he was making popcorn. I could hear the microwave humming from where I stood. I’m trying to wrap my brain around what is going on but it just isn’t making any sense. I said, “So what are you eating?” He just looked at me with this expression like, “This is where I’ve fucked up. I know.”

I walked in there, and he has eaten THREE of the Valentine’s Day Chocolates. What. The. FUCK!!! I said, “You fucking ate our Valentine’s Day Chocolate without me! How could you do that?” He said he thought I left it out for him to eat. I said, “No, we should eat it together. I told you we would eat it on the couch and watch the movie. This is such bad Karma!!”

We’re doomed.

Dude. He ate the fucking Valentine’s Day Candy without me.


  1. Leda

    Filching a piece of candy from a roll is one thing. Taking it from a box with a flavor legend is very, very, wrong.

    That look on his face when he realizes he’s soooo busted? Priceless…

  2. Scarlet

    Please tell me he ate the ones with the nasty filling and NOT anything filled with peanut butter or coconut. Had he thought quick on his feet he could have told you he was getting rid of the ones you don’t like;)

  3. Meghan


    Surely he noticed this was a GRAVE error and ran out IMMEDIATELY to purchase an entire NEW box.

  4. rachelle

    Velvet, you can’t really be upset about this… all is fair when it comes to chocolate and I personally would never allow politics to come in between me and a truffle.

    You left it on the counter – it was fair game.

  5. Foilwoman

    Velvet, maybe you’re overreacting. He’s a guy who likes candy. Of course, you can punish him by sending him out to get more candy. That’ll work.

  6. Drunken Chud

    oh look! another hill! WHEEEEEEE!

  7. I-66

    Be right back. Going to the vending machine. Chocolate craving. Dammit Velvet.

  8. DCVita

    Did he at least save you the caramel ones?!

  9. homeimprovementninja

    Well, I’m not a chocolate guy, but if my (future) girlfriend left out some bacon and expected me to wait for her to eat it, she would be sorely disapointed. And by that I mean that she would be even more disappointed than she normally would be as a result of dating someone like me.

  10. Patsy

    Dump him. Immediately if not sooner. Selfish prick. 🙂

  11. Velvet

    Leda – His mouth started chewing in very very slow-mo when he realized where I was headed with my line of questioning.

    Scarlet – Yes! Actually, on my inspection, I realized he ate the Peanut Brittle one and two truffle like things, neither of which hold any appeal to me. So he did all right there.

    Meghan – Nope. By that time I think the temp dropped to 15 degrees. We didn’t even want to walk the dogs. It’s nights like last night that I beg them to just shit in the house.

    Rachelle – Wahhh! You’re supposed to be on my side! You’re a girl!! Anyway, of course my rant was just tongue in cheek. I wasn’t really MAD, as much as just shocked that he didn’t realize this was somehow a ceremonius occasion.

    Foilwoman – See above – I was really just kidding. I was more shocked than anything.

    Chud – Shut up!!

    I66 – Sorry about that.

    DC Vita – He did. But it was so cold last night that when I ate one of those, it was rock hard.

    Ninja – If we were boyfriend/girlfriend, I’d let you eat all the bacon without me. But, you wouldn’t wait to eat the candy without me?

    Patsy – I know! Sniff sniff! How dare he??

  12. carrie m

    see, velvet, he was eating the bad stuff for you. wasn’t that nice??

    yeah, i woulda yelled at him too.

  13. freckledk

    It’s clearly over. Finished. Dunzo. Stick a fork in it. Hasta la Vista, baby. Seacrest, out.

  14. *A*

    you two clearly have issues that need a licensed counselor to unravel…doomed, i tell you….you better get back out there and play the field. 😉

  15. Dupont

    mmm.. Milk Duds… I worked in a movie theater for five years – the concession stand was such a bad influence.

  16. Tacoma

    Sherlock was doing quality control. That’s what I always say:)

  17. The Captain

    You know, speaking of caramel and chocolate, I always though Caramello bars were underrated, but I never see them anymore. Another product of the 80’s gone to waste, like Whatchamacalits.

  18. suicide_blond

    no coconut…no foul… charges..

  19. Wicked H

    Oh the Horror!!!

    Admit it, you had fun making up, right?

  20. d.chedwick

    HE owes YOU a dozen cute little heart shaped boxes of Candy — some of them can be tiny but a variety mind you.

    I would not forgive until I got my dozen & photographed them for the blog.

    so we can all see them

  21. Elizabeth

    Awwwww, you’re not doomed at all…you have a partner in crime 🙂 Make him score the next stash!

  22. upstairs neighbor

    i do dumb shit but i wouldn’t go anywhere near heading down that path.

    stealing a woman’s chocolate covered nuts will likely wind up getting you kicked in the nuts.

    and you can quote me on that. (or print it out and tape it to every box of chocolates in your house)

  23. Katie


    I Love that shit! Or loved, in 1986, the last time I laid eyes on a whatchamalashysudyauu

  24. Velvet

    Okay, you guys aren’t looking hard enough. I see Whatchmacalits ALL THE TIME. They still make them. Trust me. I just saw them at 7-11 last night.

    Now, the Reggie Jackson bar, that is long gone. They don’t make that anymore at all.

  25. barbara

    Look at it this way — he did you a favor by not making you work so hard at the gym to pay for those extra calories. Every one of those little chocolate bonbons is loaded. And now he’s stuck with the calories! Ha!

  26. always write

    He was checking for poison. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

  27. E :)

    Dude. That is so NOT cool. I once got issued with a very important looking stamp (read: bullshit) when I became a JP. But of course I wanted to be the first to use it. My asshole boyfriend at the time picked it up when he first saw it and started stamping with abandon before I’d even had the chance to give it a go. I was pissed.

    So I guess the short of it is that I understand your pain. A stamp is one thing, but chocolates are a whole lot worse.

  28. Not So Little Woman

    This is actually good! Yes he ate your chocolate, but that means you get to extract stuff out of him, punish him, have good ol’ make-up sex, etc.

  29. Marathon Bar

    The Ultimate chocolate and caramel candy used to be the Marathon Bar. Just ask Quick Claude!

  30. Laura

    My man has a serious chocolate and cookie addiction. Around him, nothing is safe. I have so seen that adorable guilty expression… But if that is the main argument at home then life is good! And it does force one to purchase more chocolate, never a bad thing.

  31. Washington Cube

    I remember eating.

  32. LadyDiDC

    After all you’ve been through, and now this? I can’t believe he broke the sacred oath of the valentine’s day chocolate. He better be really sorry!

  33. SWB

    Ok nobody’s brought this up and maybe I’m crazy but… you got out the candy, opened it, laid out the diagram… and then you went and sat on the couch, leaving it there? Not eating any yourself? I mean, if you were going to eat it on the couch, if that was the plan… why just leave it there?

    Also, how far, exactly, does this rule extend, about sharing the valentines candy? You should be in the same room… on the couch… do you need to have a discussion about who gets what? Are they to be eaten simultaneously? Perhaps each one should be split exactly evenly? Sorry to be a nitpicker, but… you were honestly upset by this turn of events? I’m legitimately confused.

  34. SkippyMom


    Yes, yes … you are doomed.

    Try being married for 12 years and you eat three bites of a big slice of pizza…then go to fold towels out of the dryer … and come back and said pizza is gone.

    He ate it.

    Does he walk the dog in 10 degree weather? Clean toilets? Rub your feet after a long day?

    Make your heart skip a beat when you hear his key in the door?

    Does he make your heart skip a beat when you know he is on the OTHER side of the door at 6 PM?

    If the answer is yes to any question – especially the last one…..

    -then get over the chocolates fast.

    Otherwise you ARE absolutely doomed.

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