Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Too Dirty to Clean My Act Up

You know, everyone jokes around when they are on vacation and the crazy friend joins them in the debauchery. But seriously, if I had known that this weekend, only half way over, was going to be like this, I would have rested up…or something.

The magnitude of our first night out at Roosters was somehow lost in my drunken post. From sober eyes, the insanity of two men punching it out in pretty vicious bar fight that starts in the middle of the bar and somehow ends up on top of the table you are sharing with some friends and a very horny lesbian is still unfathomable. Add to that the round of beers you just ordered being casualities of the drama with bottles flying everywhere and beer landing on all of us. I was only somewhat joking with K about this being a weekend to put the bail bondsman on notice. But the jokes have stopped and I’m effectively eating my words with a side of Aleve.

Last night we planned a thorough round of Scottsdale barhopping. But that quickly came to a halt after our first stop at a Biker Bar. Forward my mail everyone, I found my home there and never ever wanted to leave. FK made me hit one other place then we grabbed a Rickshaw taxi instead of hoofing it back.

Back at Biker Bar Extraordinaire we sit at the bar and I put some money into the Megatouch machine. I’m an addict. It’s a throwback to my days of waiting tables in Connecticut and sitting with the girls into the wee hours of the morning matching tiles for Tai Play. At some point, K leans over and whispers to me.

K: You may want to join this conversation I’m having with this guy next to me.
Velvet: Why?
K: He’s a pornographer. He shoots porn for a living.

I turned to the couple on the other side of me, rapt with my agility at tile matching, and said, “Knock yourselves out with the remaining money, apparently there is a conversation I need to be a part of over here.”

We grilled that guy about everything. He told us how he shoots amateur, how a girl in her mid-twenties is considered “old,” how Jenna Jameson allegedly “ruined” Scottsdale with her underhanded tricks. I refuse to believe anything bad about Jenna though his accusations beg the question – she’s a pornstar, did you expect her to have high morals? Come on dude, she sucks cock and takes it in the ass for a living. He explained how they rent a hotel room and bring some artwork to hang on the wall to make it look more legit, how once they rent a hotel room the hotel is “tainted” and they can’t go back, though I’m not sure if it is for an artistic reason or if the hotel gets wind of it and bans them when they see his Irish ass coming to the front desk. Then we get to the question of money. K was sadly in the loo for the early part of this conversation.

Velvet: So the chicks make like $2000 for 2 or 3 days work, right?
Pornographer: No way. They get paid hourly. And it’s not that much.
Velvet: How much are we talking?
Pornographer: Depends on the girl. Pick out a girl in here and I’ll tell you what I would pay her.

I’m hard pressed to find many females in this bar. Finally I locate one who seems decently attractive but he says he wouldn’t hire her. “Man face” was cited as the reason, and she was disqualified.

Velvet: Okay, that girl over there.
Pornographer: How big are her tits?
Velvet: Tough to see them, I’d say a B or C cup.
Pornographer: I’d give her about $140.
Velvet: An hour? Jesus. Okay, well, I’ll just ask. What would I make?
Pornographer: You? Are those a C cup?
Velvet: Yes.
Pornographer: How big are your areolas?

Yes. He really asked me that.

Velvet: Uh…normal sized I guess.
Pornographer: Are they light or dark?
Velvet: Light.
Pornographer, with eyes lighting up for some reason: I’d give you more than that other chick then.
Velvet: Who knew the money was in the areolas?

As the conversation wears on and shots are poured, something else distracted my eye and garnered my full attention. I heard little yelps from FK of “save me,” and “help,” but there really wasn’t a lot I could wanted to do. I was distraaaaaaaacted. Apparently the pornographer had been asking her to go back and see his studio and the world famous adult bookstore where he worked. When she rebuffed his advances, he said, “Damn it. I knew I shouldn’t have told you what I did for a living!”

As friendly switches into creepy, K and I were happy to be kicked out as the bar closed.

Then, as if the above madness wasn’t enough, we somehow ended up with more derelicts in tow with conversations of jealous girlfriends, obvious homosexuality, and my staking a claim on the best bar ever…evidenced by the fact that I climbed, in cork heels, on to this sign.



  1. barbara

    Not exactly the job I had in mind for you, although just a few hours of work would pay the rent…especially in Phoenix. How in the hell did you climb up on the sign (or do I really want to know)?

  2. Patsy

    Wow, I’m going to have to find a better bar for you in Texas. Austin Avenue suddenly seems like a coffeehouse.

  3. b

    I’ve gotta go on vacation with y’all sometime. I mean, I wanna meet pornographers! lol. Though, a drunken bar-fight is something I’ve done in College so I can skip that part.

    Never really thought about a girl’s areolas when watching porn before. Doubt I will anytime soon either 😉

    But it’s gotta feel kinda good that you’d get more than the other girl. Meanwhile, there is more to porn than just tits, but whatever. Jenna is Queen and that guy is just pissed that he isn’t making the kinda dough she is.

    F em.

    Keep the stories coming….through the haze of hangovers. 😉

  4. Betty Booper

    I have light aureoles!!! Would you mind giving him my number if you meet again? Thanks!

  5. Scarlet

    I would be pissed to find out I’d make less than someone else, haha.

  6. BBTY

    Wow, I’ve never felt jealousy like this before. Guess we WON’T be seeing you any time soon!

    Rock on cow girl!

  7. DubsInAz

    Wow, I’m impressed with the number of spots you are hitting up on your bar crawl of the Greater Phoenix area!

    I’ve always called that biker bar the wannabe-biker bars.

    Take a few millionaires that like to ride harley’s and you’ve got the locale of that bar.

    And apparently a few made their millions in porno! Nice work of once again finding the strange ones at the local pub!

  8. Drunken Chud

    yeah, porno in AZ doesn’t make nearly as much as porno in SoCal. and to earn $2000 you have to be a star, not just an up and cummer. i’ve looked into making porno, and once even gave it a shot. girls are the easy part, it’s finding a male lead that can perform on cue, and not pop too soon is the hardest part. but yeah, areola are a big part. nobody wants to see big ol’ bologna areola. nobody.

  9. Tacoma!

    Not that anyone’s offering, or whether or not I’d do it, but I’d want a whole lot more than $140 an hour to show the vagina. That stuff never goes away.
    We’re thinking of going to Arizona for the in laws.I don’t think the trip will be as interesting as your’s (they live in a place called- honest to god-Leisureworld!)

  10. Johnny DC

    Yeah! Ride that street sign, Velvet!
    muhaha :-]

  11. Phil

    And judging from the pubes on the toilet, I’m surprised he didn’t ask about the carpet.

    As “Entourage” proves – the bush is coming back, baby!

  12. freckledk

    That guy didn’t want me to star in his latest “film” – he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I don’t know whether to feel flattered or insulted.

    And V – Chuck the waiter called AGAIN. Who does that!? One lesbian, two closeted gay guys, and a pornographer/adult bookstore clerk. If these are my choices in AZ, I may have to stay in DC.

    I’ll email you the pic when I get home tonight. You know which one. Love to you and the pups.

  13. Alena

    I’m giggling over the porno story. It sounds like you guys had such a blast! The bars out West sound much more fun than the snooty bars you find here in DC…

  14. homeimprovementninja

    Since it’s on the internets now, I predict that if enough people read about the preference for certain areolas, it will be the next fad in plastic surgery.

  15. Velvet

    Barbara – I made some drunk dude lace his fingers and make a step for me.

    Patsy – Get ready! I’m coming back!

    B – don’t you think the guy was just trying to flatter me?

    Scarlet – I know, that poor chick. And she was younger than me I think.

    BBTY – No, I have to come back…

    Dubs – We needed you! The next night at Handlebar J’s was uh, a disaster!

    Chud – Oh, how I want to see that movie you did.

    Tacoma – I’ve heard of Leisureworld, not sure where it is though. And $140 is shitty, but then, I rationalized with the theory that people do it for free every day. Yeah, not consoling at all. I know.

    Johnny – HA!

    Phil – You know, that is a great point. Why did he ask about the nips but not the bush? Very odd. He also asked to see my left hand, looking for evidence of a wedding ring. Odd.

    FreckledK – You can’t see me, but I’m doing the still from that “picture.”

    Alena – They definitely are. D.C. is way too stuck up.

    Ninja – I called it first! Let the world know!

  16. freckledk

    And the thought of you doing that “still” just made me laugh out loud. Ha!

    I still think I’m brilliant for how I got out of dancing at Handlebar J’s…either that, or how stupid those folks were who actually believed that my reason for declining was that my parents were killed in a “tragic line-dancing accident.”

  17. Velvet

    Oh, I saw you called. I’m on the horn trying to find a place that can do an oil change for Speedracer. Apparently they don’t even know what a Speedracer is out here. Christ. I know it’s not a Chevy people, but good lord…

  18. DubsInAz

    if you want a rich old cowboy, handlebar J’s is possibly the place for you. I always had to keep an eye on my gf or some dirty ol’ man sneaking in a quick squeeze out on the floor.

    If you just want a rich man above 40 and plenty of attention, show some cleavage and head over to Eli’s (just down the road from Handlebars). known for their sliders, the place is packed full of horny, rich men starting around 10ish on Friday and Saturday nights. Live music as well. Semi-expensive drinks at around $6-8 a pop. No beer on tap.

    I’m only 26 and my lady is 27 but we would walk there when we used to live there and just get shit-faced while people watching. Great times can be had with the right mind set.

    Wish we could have made it up to Handlebar’s on that Friday! My future father-in-law came into town and the lady was a bit under the weather so we stayed around the apt in Avondale… 🙁

  19. Drunken Chud

    you so do not want to see it. it’s a pile of crap. it was lit well, and shot well, but the performances were crap. plus i didn’t have a make up person so all the blemishes are glaring, and the girl just looked bored. do you know how hard it is to direct someone to “look hungry for cock”? then we had to keep breaking cuz the dude went off like three times after it took him an hour to get it up. it was a damn gong show. now that i think about it, i should try to find that master and digitize it and upload it. fuck, now you’re making me try to think of where in the hell it would be. hmm…

  20. Pop Cultured

    i’ll bet, if given the chance, he would have been able to determine differences in many body parts…its his job…great post btw…

  21. Bill the traveling salesman

    I have just discovered that you’re back, and I am ashamed to admit how excited I am that I’ll be reading your stuff again … so I won’t.

  22. Bryanne

    Thanks for writing this.

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