Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

When it Comes to Compliments, Women are Like Ravenous Blood-Sucking Creatures, Always Wanting More, More, More! ~ Homer Simpson

I had another typical old-school Velvet style weekend. The “old-school” weekends are a serious reminder of how fun life can be. I got reacquainted with an old friend who was not available to me for the better part of a year because someone borrowed said friend and held her hostage! Okay, he didn’t so much hold her hostage as I just didn’t ask for her back. My precious autographed copy of And the Winner is…Brianna Banks is back in the house! Much like the old Velvet, that link is not safe for work.

Brianna Banks is hands down the best sucker of cocks in the business. Spit. Stroke. Suck. Spit. Stroke. Suck. Pay attention to the balls. Back to spit, stroke, suck. Deep throat. Her cock sucking repertoire is so unbelievably phenomenal that you really can’t look away. Sniff. She taught me everything I know and there is no reason she can’t teach you too. Err. If you’re a girl.

Aversion to, or poor execution of oral sex on either partner is just a shame. Watch a movie, write it down, practice, practice, practice. It’s important, and those who don’t do it probably don’t because they aren’t good at it. And they probably aren’t good at it because they don’t value their partner’s enjoyment in the sex act. And they probably don’t value their partner’s enjoyment in the sex act because they are selfish immature “I don’t suck cock/munch carpet” protestors. You know you’ve done well when you hear, “Wow, you’re really good at that.” We girls like compliments.

Anyway, so a few years ago, Brianna was stripping in Baltimore. I hate leaving the city, but I hauled my ass out to witness this event. My friend and I ended up being the only two girls there – surprise. We waited in line to get a picture and so I could just coo over her and inspect her boob job up close. Coming from someone with zero bi tendencies, she is every bit as hot in person as she is on camera.

Brianna is stripping and camera flashes are going off everywhere, so my friend and I decide we could probably sneak a few pictures. I snap some, get away with it, and snap some more. Next thing you know, there is some meathead bouncer on top of me and a bunch of guys who were formerly hanging out with us, now on top of the bouncer. I’m at the bottom of a man-pile and not in a good way.

My friend later said that when I walked out of that melee holding the camera still, she was thoroughly impressed. I had the choice to delete the pictures or be kicked out. They eventually demanded both. What the fuck ever. I pretended to delete a few, and we left. I love that when we’re walking out the door the bouncer says, “You can come back another night.” I’m like, “Dude. Look around you. You are in BALTIMORE. And I would come back because why?” We left. After a few minutes with photo rescue software, I recovered the precious pics, much to the delight of all the boys at work.

So back to present day. Friday night I only got three hours sleep because of that stupid movie and something important I had to attend to. I cruised through 18th Street in Dupont around 3:30 a.m. Much like I would never go to Baltimore again, I’m so sick of the bridge and tunnel people (nod to Steve Rubell for that term, may he rest in peace,) who think the D.C. is “soooo cool.”

The only reason the city is cool is because the people who live in the city make it cool. Write that down, burbies.

Speedracer and I mowed down some overly dressed ‘burbans in their sunglasses, blazers and cocktail dresses. I shook my head in disgust at all the drunks getting into cabs, stumbling for cars, littering the streets with whatever loot they smuggled out of the place. Christ, can’t you go back to your group house in Herndon and litter the streets there? Or do the soccer moms report you?

Saturday, I had early plans with some friends. I would have liked to revise the start time based on my delayed bedtime, but I wasn’t allowed. I was rewarded with the most hilarious sight though. One FreckledK, with a zero tolerance for taking bullshit (cough, in most cases,) manhandled a thief. She pulled the perp, a yellow labrador, about 3 feet tall and 65 lbs., by its collar and yanked a ball out of his mouth. I would forfeit sleep any day to witness that again. I’m no longer the only asshole at the dog park! Yay!

The moral of the weekend has something to do with balls in the mouth, but I just can’t come full circle with it yet. Let me watch the Simpsons and maybe it will come to me.


  1. MA

    I always thought that when I lived in the suburbs I was always one of the quiet dignified ones who didn’t try to date someone simply because they lived in the city. Now that I live here, I take note of where people live. There will be no freeloaders in Casa de MA. (Unless he’s exceptional–in a good way. haha.)

  2. HomeI'mprovementninja

    Well…first of all, you said I could keep it, so you’re lucky you got it back at all.

    Second of all, your Brianna Banks story is way cooler than my Wendy-Whoppers-shoved-my-face-in-her-tits story.

    Third of all, what kind of a loser brags about a place that he doesn’t even live in?

    Fourth of all, saw the Simpson’s movie with you-know-who. It’s definitely worth seeing.

  3. I-66


    This suburbanite doesn’t wear…

    – blazers in August
    – sunglasses at night
    – cocktail dresses

    AND I don’t live in Herndon. Though it is close.

  4. tums

    I couldn’t agree with you more. Practice, practice, practice.

  5. Patsy

    While I am “really good at that”, now that I’m married, I only do it for special occasions. Like diamonds. I’ll do it for diamonds.

  6. Velvet

    MA – A good friend of mine was pretty strict about not dating guys from the sticks. I asked her why and she said that because when they come in to the city, they make a weekend of it and she can’t get rid of them. I’ve witnessed this in action both with myself and with her and I must say, she’s on to something. Get your own overpriced shoebox to live in buddy, and exit mine right now!

    Ninja – Uh, NO, if you were listening, you would know that I said you could keep “Altered Assholes 3” because you wanted to complete the anthology of movies 1 and 2. I’d give you one of the dogs before I parted with my signed copy of B.B.

    I66 – I would cry if I ever saw you in the blazer. CRY! You are not one of the drunken offending vandals who shit all over the city then leave it by car. Drunk. This I know, from your “How late can I get a metro” questions, and from your respect to not litter the streets.

    Tums – Um…..hee hee……

    Patsy – Oh, you and the husband have a hilarious “no-fly-zone” thing going on with oral. I mean this in the nicest way possible: May that never happen to me!

  7. I-66

    I’m reminded of the episode of The Family Guy where they showed the “Diamonds. She’ll pretty much have to.” commercial. Awesome.

  8. freckledk

    You know you loved it.

    Those stupid people who come to the park with their dog…who is a RETRIEVER, and then act surprised that their little muffin is stealing the balls of the smaller and slower. But you don’t see those same owners rushing over to their dog to get the stolen ball back. My dog WILL have his ball. If the owner won’t step up and take care of it, I will.

  9. suicide_blond

    ok..brianna has good technique…but ..for personal reasons….im partial to old school jenna..

  10. barbara

    So where are the pictures?

    How many Blogs are you writing on these days? I just saw your name on a group Blog!

  11. Drunken Chud

    Her cock sucking repertoire is so unbelievably phenomenal that you really cant look away. Sniff. She taught me everything I know… Aversion to, or poor execution of oral sex on either partner is just a shame.

    I. Love. You.

  12. barbara

    My mistake on the group Blog comment! This is where all the action is after all…

  13. bettyjoan

    Cocksucking and burbies and balls, oh my! Gotta love classic Velvet. 😉

    Not that I don’t love incompetent-police-outing Velvet, but, you know, I have a soft spot for posts that seamlessly combine puppies and oral sex. Ha!

  14. bettyjoan

    Oh, and by the way, you’re also blocked by my government employer for “pornography.” And that was BEFORE this post! Awesome, I say.

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