The beaches in Athens are rocky and filled with cigarette butts. It’s a widely known fact, but this was just a temporary stay on the beach before we boarded a ship. We ran out of things to do in about 4 minutes. My brother took to calling me Blackie, for my ability to walk outside and instantly become three shades darker in 10 seconds. After giving up on the sun worship, he and I found ourselves surfing the internet in a hotel conference room. I kept asking him to hand over his PDA but he kept pushing me off. After several tries with the standard, “Hold on, I’m not done,” and “Your dogs are fine, you don’t need to check your email, you psycho,” he said, “Go look at that flip chart over there on the stand.”
I have been his sister for enough years to know what that means. I flashed back to visions of Erasa-board menus in restaurants with prices changed to 99 cents and leftover rice in chinese restaurants molded into a penis and balls and I said, “Oh no. What have you done?”
I walked over to the flip chart, and I saw this:
All right. So it seems that he’s drawn a penis next to “personal rapport” on what appears to be a presentation for salesmen. But what are they selling? I flipped the page and saw this:
DING DING DING DING DING!!! What do we have here? A SEMINAR for PICK UP ARTIST WANNABES? I’ve truly waited my whole life for a day like this! Yay!!!!! Ladies, we’ve heard enough from the boys. It’s time for an alternative take, isn’t it?
Because I wanted to help these poor sad little fuckers, I really did, I decided to add a few slides of my own. First, we have this one, which I placed between their introduction pages:
I left after this slide. But then I told my mom about it. I filled her in on the totally absurd “PUA” society, how guys spend money and time perfecting ways to get into girls pants – the blogs, the books, the seminars, the t.v. shows, and then I decided another slide was in order. I’ve learned that I just can’t leave the scene of a crime until I’m almost caught. So, I made my mom be the lookout while I crafted the next slide:
Who are these losers at life whose seminar I hopefully destroyed? I read that stupid book by Neil Strauss – The Game. Retarrrrrrded. And that book was about 400 pages too long. True to form, he’s a total geek who tries his hand at being a PUA, nails a few skanks, then falls hard for some girl in Courtney Love’s crew. (Oooh, bet that one was a winner. She promptly left him for Robbie Williams by the way, and he sits at home painting his “game goggles” with a racing stripe.) I wanted to see if I had ever “fallen” for any of these tricks. Unsurprisingly, I hadn’t. Why?
Because the girls who fall for these tricks are insecure and competitive and not worth having. My girls and I are not competitive with each other. That is probably key to this entire shindig. If we were out and some guy said something insulting to me like, “You don’t seem as smart/cute/skinny as your friend,” I would just agree. She’s my friend. Why would I take his insult and then turn it into an insult on her to “prove” him wrong? And so the plan is foiled and he doesn’t get in my pants – then what – I don’t get laid? Oooh, how awful. I just got another get-out-of-jail-free card on not getting herpes. How terrible for me. You should all feel so sorry for me.
The rule is universal – if you spend all your time talking about “it,” you aren’t getting “it,” whatever “it” may be. It applies to money, sex, status. The person who talks about how important they are at their job is the one who is insecure. The one who is constantly coming up with the new “million dollar idea” will spend their life as a poor man. The guy who spends 23 hours a day strategizing how to get in a woman’s pants most likely fits the following personality profile:
- Was a loser in high school.
- Still thinks life now is high school.
- Insecure at work. If he even has a job – which many of these guys don’t, the job is something menial in the lower ranks of the corporation.
- Talks about getting laid all the time.
- In reality, has very little sex.
- Gets very little attention from women.
- When his advances are rebuffed by a woman, he goes on all out rampage to malign her. He thinks calling her names will hurt her feelings, but the fact that she was smart enough to reject him speaks volumes for her confidence.
- Has “Mommy” issues or had one parent totally absent from their upbringing.
- Once (or twice) had his heart broken by a woman so badly that he now wants to get back at the rest of the female population by fucking his way through them for the perceived injustice.
- Spends a lot of time planning revenge on others who go against him.
- Has not matured into adulthood.
- When he is constantly rebuffed by the same classification of women (i.e. an age group or certain ethnicity) he will publicly renounce them as targets, citing a litany of reasons why he will “no longer date American girls,” or why “women over 24 are over the hill.”
- Owns no property; usually lives in group home or with parents.
If all you are looking to do, legitimately, is get your dick wet, fine. But what do all these losers have in common? They study and train, train and study, fuck hundreds a few women, then ultimately find a girl they fall in love with and renounce their former ways.
I like to think I helped maybe just one guy who came back to the seminar say, “Hey, she’s right! I do have a small cock.” Wait, that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say that hopefully, just one guy learned that using a success rate formula for measuring “notches” is a pretty sad way to live. Try being genuine. Try making yourself a better person instead of using insults to bring others down to in turn elevate your own perceived worth. Spend your money on an education boys, a real education, in an accredited institution and the girls will come, pun intended. I promise. I learned more about human nature and life in general in grad school and from work than I did hanging out in bars and assessing body language.
If you have to trick her into bed, and she’s dumb enough to be tricked, is she really worth it?
it must have been an american hotel..i have never met a greek man who didn’t think he could eat romeo and shit casanova..
xoxo
So after months – almost a year? – of not reading Velvet because last I looked she had renounced blogging I finally go through my old bookmarks from my old pc to see which are still live, and BAM! Velvet’s talking about penises again. It’s like no time has passed…
I missed you Vel! Happy Grecian Holiday!
What! No comments about Borf? I bet Borf isn’t taking PUA seminars…
This is the truest and most funny thing that I’ve read in quite awhile.
I UBER Heart you right now. This is the best way I could possibly have started my morning.
If there is a such a thing as fate, it was destiny to find this seminar. It’s too bad that none of the Jedi pickup masters tried hitting on you with that famous line from Vh1’s pickup show “so do you floss before or after you brush your teeth.” Smoooooooove!
Hmmm, I wonder who the last half of this post was directed to? Hypothetically, it might be someone traveling on another continent and logging his adventures. Those adventures have so far mentioned no action at all.
You and your brother make a dangerous duo! I can’t believe you coerced your mother into being an accomplice. Maybe there is a side to her we haven’t heard about. You know “The apple never falls far from the tree”? Too bad you couldn’t be a fly on the wall and see the reaction of the “class” when they realized that their study points had been doctored. Classic Velvet even on another continent!
You haven’t lived until you’ve changed the sign with sliding letters outside of a beach restaurant to advertise “Bad Butt Feast” and “Penis Pot Pie”
The Blonde – Actually, it was a Greek hotel. And fancy fingers Ninja found the website and what hotel we stayed at in under a minute!
Dan – I had to renounce blogging. You know why! You haven’t missed much, I just am not doing the personal stuff anymore. But it doesn’t mean I can’t email it to you!
Wild Bill – I have to agree, I’m sure he is not in PUA classes. The guy who is responsible for the Borf Graffiti is a fellow Greek. So, I have to be on his side you know. That’s how we Greeks are. Cliquey.
Anon – Thank you.
Jordan Baker – Thank you as well. I’m glad I could make your morning!
Ninja – I agree, and I don’t think my brother realized what he stumbled on until I filled them in.
Anon, 2nd one – the post actually wasn’t directed at anyone. It was pretty easy to create the personality profile because these guys are all the same. I just don’t get it at all. To be the best pickup line ever is something I rarely hear: “hi.”
Barbara – Yeah, my parents have been accomplices for a lot. In high school I was failing chemistry and I had to “retake” a test one day after school. My mom came to pick me up, and then decided my friend Kristen and I could cheat if the teacher was out of the room, so she distracted her for like 10 minutes by asking how much longer and making up some crap about having errands to run. She kept Ms. Pryor out in the hall long enough for me to finish that puppy and skate out with a D!!!
I66 – Care to make it interesting? I’m envisioning a “Tour through the metro area sign changing happy hour…”
You are AWESOME. Seriously. We are going to work on your book, damn it.
Did you read that book “Discover Your Inner Economist”? Tyler Cowen talks about how important deception and delusion is for sustaining long term relationships, which is (a little) interesting with respect to the PUA classes.
wow, you hit the nail on the head. i’m so glad i found this post this morning. can you actually come out here and do a seminar for one of my friends? i’d pretty much be willing to spring for the plane ticket just so i don’t have to spend another night sitting next to him in a lame bar ‘wingmanning it’ for him…
Consider me intrigued. As long as we get to put vulgar messages on church signs.
Any group dumb enough to not have their sign secured by lock and plexi deserves to be messed with.
Fuck. No wonder I didn’t get laid as much as I wanted in college — I spent too much time trying to talk to women about things we (hopefully) both found interesting rather than insulting their friends. So, what’s the verdict on inviting a woman back to your place to look at your etchings? That works, right?
MA – Thank you thank you. It was destiny, since I don’t go to clubs to “be sarged on,” that these motherfuckers were gonna find me somehow.
Anonymous – Oh, no, I haven’t read that, and I cringe to think someone would mix a beautiful science like Economics with something as ridiculous as this.
Upstairs Neighbor – Why doesn’t he follow your lead? You get tons of chicks and NOT by insulting them? You’re a nice, smart guy. And you have to beat the women off. Point proven. I’ll need you to be my lab example if I do the seminar.
I66 – The atheist in me says, “Let’s roll…” And yes, I’ve learned about the plexiglass. My simple message to the building informing them that the water will be shut off, on a piece of paper hung in the elevator, ends up with all sorts of profane comments. But we have a camera…hee hee…and I know who does it!
Nato – Etchings? Wow. You just blew that one out of the park. Okay! I’ll come look at your etchings, but I probably won’t take off my jeans.
i have a buddy who actually meets 12 of the 13 requirements. let’s just say he used to LOVE tom leykis when he was on the radio up here. it never works, and all he ever says is, “let’s go to the bar and pick up some sluts”. i have to remind him that he has cancer of the personality and all he will do is succeed in pissing me, and whatever girls we’re trying to “pick up” off. usually he will submit to this and agree it’s best he not be around people. i try my damndest to socialize him and introduce him to new people, but he’s like a retarded chihuaha, just nips and runs into walls. plus he’s read “american psycho” too many times and he likes to try to say shit that is just vulgar so he can get a laugh. sometimes it’s actually amusing, most of the time… it’s just tragic. oh, the worst, he is king cockblock. this is why i hate to travel with him. we were on a cruise once and i’m spittin MAD game at this chick. we’re sitting in a bar with an empty stool between us and like 4 empty stools on either side of us. we’re leaned in, talking as people are wont to do when first meeting and considering a carnal siesta in international waters, when who the fuck walks in and sits directly between us? Fatty McCockblock. it wasn’t the first, and certainly wouldn’t be the last. i kept trying to land this chick for the rest of the cruise. i’m not sure if she paid him and gave him a beeper or something because i was in fact annoying her, or if he just had some spidey sense that her and i were talking, but every time… in he’d come. then finally, on the last night of the cruise i was up on the party deck drinking my ass off, and who shows up at 3am ready for some chud lovin’? yeah. the chick. guess who gave up on getting any that trip and thus resigned himself to getting piss drunk and contemplating ways to terrorize my buddy… this guy. anyhow, when i’m that drunk, i’m neither smooth, nor smooth. and basically i had to apologize to her and excuse myself as i had to go pass out. i walked into my room, slapped my sleeping asshole friend in the face, then went to sleep. i don’t know why i’m still friends with him. odd.
heh heh… you said ‘beat the women off…’
i think my friend sees me somewhat as competition rather than someone to learn from.
i’ll be your lab example any day, do i get to wear the white coat and carry a clipboard?
Chud – Oh my god, that story was hilarious. The reading of “American Psycho” should be item number 14 in my personality profile. And I’m calling someone “Fatty McCockBlock” this weekend if it kills me.
Upstairs Neighbor – Settle down Beavis! Ooh. My lab example. I just rubbed my hands together and said a very sinister Mr. Burns-like, “exxxxxxcellent.”
The peni5 picture is priceless, Velvet.
Next time you have to write something like, girls love gay guys so dont hesitate to hug and kiss each other.
😀
So the etchings will get you upstairs . . . would you lose your jeans if I offered to let you walk my Chia-pets? Damn – didn’t think so. I just wish there were a book or an instructional video that would explain how to pick up women.
Upstairs Neighbor could beat me off any day. Any day.
I think you’ve missed your calling. Screw the rat race – you should tour the country and teach these poor saps what really attracts a woman. We’ll have to think of a good name for you, though, in the same vein as Mystery, Style, Matador, etc. How about Whorebucket?
you can’t include just the reading of it. cuz i loved the book. but his gross over indulgence… definately should be in there. lemme know who you dubbed “Fatty McCockblock” cuz mine wears his crown well. hehehe.
rofl. Welcome back!
Yaaaah… you’re back. Life is good.
So very funny. I agree with FreckledK. Your mission in life should be two-fold: to advise both sexes on how not to be played, and on how not to be players but real fecking men and women who don’t have to play games to get laid. You could get rich with an anti-gaming book.And Drunken Chud is getting bookmarked.
im with freckles… a career move.. and… possibly a new blog.. whorebuckets..
xoxo
Seriously, my ex was a PUA and after I knew all his “tricks” I was onto him…now I can smell a PUA a mile away. It may have worked the first time, but now that I know all the moves they use, I just find them lame when they hit on me at the bar with their so finely honed “game.”
Has nobody else noticed the fact that on the flip chart the word acceptance is misspelled? The PUA seminar people wrote “acceptEnce”
No wonder they can’t get girls. They can’t even spell!
for “sexy time”…i can’t stop giggling.
How the hell did I miss this post? Anyway, I loved you no matter what, but this is kind of icing on the cake. xo!