Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Welcome Back to Tool Time!

Welcome back to Tool Time everyone. Tim and Al can’t be your hosts today, so you will have to settle for myself, six lovely co-hosts and a special guest star.

Cast of Characters:

FreckledK, a.k.a. “Houdini” – Pulls guys out of her hat like a magician doing a rabbit trick.
Suicide Blonde, a.k.a. “URL Junkie” – Sometime bail arranger, victim of drink theft.
Mystery Girl!, a.k.a. “Mrs. Mystery” – The Original Whorebucket, lover of line, “Did you see that fight outside?”
Momentary Academic, a.k.a “The Eye of the Storm” – Master trademarker, part time voice of reason, part time instigator, full time giggler.
Jordan Baker, a.k.a. “The Devil in Fishnets” – Index card hoarder, all around mastermind of escape plans.
“Jemma” – a.k.a. “I was the last stop before Skanksville” – Featured in FreckledK’s recent post, the quiet one laughing at the stupidity which surrounds her.
Arjewtino – a.k.a. “Justin Time” – Special Guest Star and reinforcement called at the 11th hour.

In this segment, a tool is going to hold court in front of seven women. The women, who chose their seats at the bar for its space to spread out and vantage point for spotting game were quickly saddened to learn that the arrival of one tool and the placement of one load-bearing pillar would render their entire night cockblocked. Now, what would you do if you wanted to get rid of him? I was piss rotten mean to him, threatened to punch him in the face, stuck my stiletto heel in his crotch and then, doubled those efforts when he said, “I can’t believe anyone would actually have sex with you.” That had me firing off a text message across town which garnered the return response, “I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t have MORE sex with you.” Ego duly satisfied. Back to the show.

Girls? A little help? How would you get rid of him? What are your best methods for pest removal?

FreckledK: “I called for help. Then I turned my back on him and started talking to some other guy.”
MysteryGirl!: “I asked him if he saw the fight outside.”
Jemma: “I used my most evil psychological tactics. I waited until he delivered a line he thought was funny, then I would lean over and whisper in FreckledK’s ear, ‘He is a tool,’ loud enough for him to hear, and obvious enough for him to know I didn’t like him.”
Suicide Blonde: “I outwitted him when he pulled out his blackberry. In a bar. On a Saturday. No one was going to steal that URL name from my hot little hands.”
Momentary Academic: “I tried to be cordial, but then encouraged him to hit on another girl across the room just to get him away from us.”
Jordan Baker: “I appealed to the masses. Since none of us could get him to leave, I wrote a note on an index card that said, ‘Are you of sound mind? Can you get this guy away from us?'”

Luckily Jordan Baker had several index cards, because that exercise took a few tries. Arjewtino even came with his friend who looks like the guy from Sideways and STILL this guy would not leave. He was like a leper.

But finally. Imagine the relief we felt when, after hours of pleading with him to get lost, a cute boy walked up to us with an index card in his hand.

“Hey. Someone passed me this note.”

There was so much clapping and cheering, you would have thought we were front row at a gay piano bar with Liza Minnelli doing an encore. Half the bar turned around to look at seven girls who just spent five hours held hostage by some guy whose proud accomplishment was locking up a URL about dudecheckoutmyblog.

Brilliant. The line by crafty Jordan Baker was brilliant. I thought my great line of Summer 2006 was brilliant, “Are you with the band?” But, no. This one takes the cake. If you can’t get the guy to get away from you, write someone an S.O.S. note. When the Titanic is sinking, these are the girls you want with you. These are the girls who will MacGyver their way out of any situation with their skill and wit.

For some reason, when I think of that guy, the words from “You’re So Vain” plow through my head.

This was the last episode of Tool Time from the basement. We’re taking our act on the road. You’ve been warned. This sleepy little town is ripe for some damage. Hide the booze and your underage sons. Whorebuckets unveiling, coming soon.


  1. jordanbaker

    For accuracy’s sake, I think I should point out that the actual phrasing was “can you make this dude go away? PLEASE?”

    And for the dudes in the audience, you should’ve pointed out that sometimes if you respond to an SOS note, a chick will go home with you.

  2. suicide_blond

    sugarpie… he was never gonna leave after you shoved his blackberry down your pants…
    …. but it was a brilliant move….

  3. freckledk

    You didn’t give yourself an alias. Shall your fellow WBs do the honors?

    My favorite line of the night (credited to the K-Fed lookalike that our poor schmo grabbed and threw at you as a sacrificial lamb/peace offering, who was then shot down before he could even get his name out, as he skulked away):

    “Why is she so ANGRY?”

  4. Not So Little Woman

    I know who I want in our posse when I go visit in DC

  5. MA

    It is a privilege and an honor to be a WB. And I still want to trademark, “cheap and easy.” Is that so wrong?

  6. Velvet

    JB – Yes, and a chick did. Didn’t she? That boy was so deserving!

    Blond – I wanted to see if it would light up through my jeans! Didn’t work.

    FK – Poor KFed. I guess it came out wrong when I said, “Oh, THIS is the best you can do?” That was mean. I didn’t mean it like it came out.

    NSLW – Those whorebuckets are crazy!

    MA – Do it! I think to satisfy the trademark requirements you have to use the mark to make money. So, one of us will just have to do that…

  7. barbara

    This poor guy was obviously out of his league! Not a prayer…

  8. Anonymous

    You guys need to write a book. Get your own TV show, make a stage production out of this, cause it’s great material (was there a “great western punch-out” somewhere in the story?).

  9. Beach Bum

    Damn, are we getting that old that references to MacGyver now need to have the required wikipedia link, because someone out there reading has no idea who’s MacGyver?

  10. mysterygirl!

    Oooh, I like Anon’s idea for a “great western punch-out,” assuming that that is an actual fight from a Western and not some kind of slang I don’t understand. Plus, then when I ask, “did you guys see the fight outside,” there will actually have been a fight.

    The Whorebucket posse is certainly to be reckoned with. The thing is, we can TOTALLY use our powers for good and not for evil. He just took the wrong approach with us. Bring on the next round!

  11. suicide_blond

    We did totally “up his value” with the hot brunette that we sent him over to pick up… that is ..UNTIL…Velvet said “ya know what will bring down his value??? throwing paper at him…”
    it woulda worked faster if her aim had been better.. (apologies to the bitchy blond that we kept hitting with paper balls)


  12. Velvet

    Barbara – He was just cocky enough to THINK he could take on 7 girls. He was wrong. I didn’t even get into how he said he bought the URL to make fun of other blogs and he goes, “I’ll make fun of all your blogs.” Ooh, I DARE you! Do it! Make my day! I love to hate!!!!

    Anonymous – Hmm. I didn’t see the punch out, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Girls?

    Beach Bum – Sadly, after my trip to Greece, I’m getting all sorts of hits from lunatic Greeks. As I learned on my trip, Greeks don’t know where the hell to find Baklava if you ask them, so it is safer to “dumb it down” for them. Ooh. My whole heritage is gonna hate me now. Bring it!

    Mystery Girl! – Using our powers for “good” not “evil,” makes me think capes are in order. Too bad I just gave away my sewing machine. Well, we’ll have to get them made.

    SB – My aim was HORRIBLE! I needed an alignment on every throw! They were all veering to the right – just like my car. And wait, my car before this one…perhaps it is something I’m doing wrong?

  13. Arjewtino

    I liked that he called me Simon when he misheard my name. Do you think he heard me reply, “Fuck you, you’re Simon!”?

  14. Velvet

    Arjew – Oh..I didn’t even hear that! Or I did and was so drunk by that point. So it is official that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US told him to leave. And he didn’t! That dude needs some time on the couch and some serious meds. He told FreckledK, “I think they’ll warm up to me.”

  15. JohnnyDC

    I prefer the taser.

  16. Inowpronounceyou

    Of all the nights I choose to stay in…damnit.

    Bring on the whorebuckets.

  17. nato

    It doesn’t happen often, but here’s a serious comment from me: A line of Whorebucket Brigade(tm) clothing (I’m thinking tees, hoodies and undies), with MA’s “Cheap and Easy” emblazoned on the back would sell like hotcakes. Someone has to come up with a great little graphic to go with Whorebucket Brigade. Your line of retro clothing can be the Original Whorebucket brand. I realize this isn’t exactly a selling point, but I can see the likes of Britney Spears and Paris buying scads of “Cheap and Easy” . . .

    Okay, done being serious.

  18. Cunning Linguist

    I thought you were all just playing hard to get.

  19. Cunning Linguist

    Hah HAH, just kidding, it wasn’t me. This is the guy who hates Rob for you, I’ve changed my name to become less anonymous.

    I know better than to approach seven girls at a time, you have to separate one from the pack, not approach the pack. Together, they’re like a group of velociraptors, with the attacking from the sides and the shredding with the claws.

    Separate from the pack, then kill the bunny.

  20. jordanbaker

    You know what else probably hurt his chances with that other chick? When you threw her that note that said “That dude has herpes and a baby. Be careful!”

  21. Drunken Chud

    ok, first of all, if i’m ever in DC, i am finding you at a bar and hitting on all of you with a hidden camera, just so i can be a youtube star.

    second of all i can’t stop laughing at the link johnny posted. i laughed so hard i almost shat myself.

  22. freckledk

    1) You shall now be known as “The Wrath.” Catchy, no?

    2) There was an almost-fight, when I went to retrieve URL Junkie’s burgaled drink. Convo as follows:

    Cocktail Thief/Big Ass Scary Dude: Yo?! What’s the problem, yo?

    FK/Houdini: Chill, boo. Just looking for my girl’s beverage. Seen it?

    Cocktail Thief: We ain’t got yo drink, yo.

    FK/Houdini: For real? Aiight. Peace out. East side, represent. Hold up, what?

    3) INPY – we thought you’d be one of our rescuers. It was only when Arjewtino and the guy who looks like the younger, hotter brother of that guy from Sideways showed up without you that we realized you wouldn’t be joining us. Next time.

    4) Arjewtino’s reaction at being called Simon was priceless.

    5) Vive la Whorebuckets!

  23. Velvet

    Johnny – I tried to download “all my missing plugins” and I can’t see the video. Only hear the ELO song. Damn!

    INPY – Something tells me that had you come on Saturday, you would have either found us completely hilarious or you would have branded us the anti-christ. We were pretty mean to that dude. And by we, I mean, me.

    Nato – OOH! I know what the graphic can be! I have a “Strip Club Choppers” wifebeater, it has the image of a woman pole dancing. That’s it! That’s it!

    Cunning Linguist – I don’t know if you have been studying your PUA stuff on Vh1. I think they tell them to approach a girl when she’s with her friends. Don’t they? Ehh, what the hell do I know.

    Jordan Baker – HA! I’ve always wanted to do that to someone. He was pretty deserving.

    Chud – Damn! I can’t see the link!

    FK – Oh my. I read that conversation recap twice and I’m still laughing. You walked up to two people who were mere inches from intercourse and demanded the Blonde’s drink back! OMG!

  24. I-66

    Seriously, you saddle Arjewtino with the name “Justin Time”? I want a recount.

  25. Ulysses

    Yes, I was with the band. Didn’t we cover this already?

  26. Velvet

    I66 – But he WAS justin time. What’s so bad about that?

    Ulysses – Okay, and which one were you again? Because I used that line one night on at least 30 guys.

  27. I-66

    Couldn’t you at least give him a name that doesn’t sound so goy?

  28. nato

    I-66: What, like John Manlove?

  29. Inowpronounceyou


    I think I’d dig that about you actually.

  30. Ulysses

    I must’ve been the first, ’cause there’s no way you’ve ever had to use a line more than twice in any evening

  31. Washington Cube

    Odd that none of you fell back into psycho personas like…..the crazy ex-girlfriend–giving him a lengthy explanation of why you stalked your ex, keyed his car, and lit a fire on his porch….or the biologically ticking mustgetmarriedhavebabies…and give him some story about how every time you have sex, you run to CVS and buy four different home pregnancy kits because, yanno….every time you see a baby your ovaries are just BURSTING or something, with pure envy. Trust me. He’ll be running.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

© 2024 Velvet in Dupont

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑