Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.


This one is pulled from the files of “Don’t Ya Hate it When Karma Bites You in Your FAT ASS!”

All of this is hypothetical. Of course. Of course! I always write hypothetically-speaking right?

Have you ever had something happen and someone who was “supposed” to be your friend decided to jump on the “anti-you” bandwagon and malign your name along with some other medicated tri-polar delusional “my life is so wonderful” hermit? And all the while these things are happening, legitimately happening, this “supposed friend” is possibly egging them on? So the issue gets swept under the mat, everyone goes their separate ways and no one hears a peep from the other side for a long time. But then, the “supposed friend” just happens to pop out of the woodwork and publicly malign your name again, for no reason, calling you many many names most of which really just apply to his or herself?

You, being of sound mind and better judgment than a year ago, a month ago, even a day ago, just laugh, and shake your head, and wonder, “Gee, what could still be bothering this person after all this time has gone by? Have they nothing else in their life?”

Then, during this new round of public maligning, the “supposed friend” has some sort of awakening and emails you. You – who they have said nothing but bad things about as recently as yesterday. What if you got this email and had to read skim an entire dissertation on how the “now ex-supposed friend” was in danger and “since the same thing had happened to you could you please help me even though I didn’t believe you and now I realize I should have and even though I just said a bunch of nasty things about you yesterday and the day before and the day before that, I have no where else to turn and I’m so sorry I was such a bitch and so so so wish it could have played out differently especially because I think you are the only one who can helllllllp me!!!”

Silly, pathetic little loser. She should have added, “there’s not enough medication in the world to fix my crazy and I’m just an anorexic psycho who has no real friends.”

To say that you would laugh hysterically at this letter and say, “Thank you, since I don’t believe in God or whatever, thank you to whatever fates aligned to make this person’s life a miserable piece of shit,” would be an understatement. Really! It couldn’t have happened to a nicer, more deserving person!

Every dog gets their day in court.


  1. homeimprovementninja

    1) I’m not anorexic;
    2) I wasn’t talking bad about you yesterday…it was my other friend, who has a similar name “Vellvett in Doopont” who I was badmouthing;
    3) What is Karma? Is it that sauce for dipping the Roti bread into?

  2. freckledk

    You got me on my knees
    I’m begging, darling

  3. allezoop

    Un-fecking-believable. I am always surprised at the gall of some people. Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it? Can’t wait to hear more during dinner this Friday. Are we still on?

  4. Valley Girl

    Holy crap. This sounds like something that happened to me. After my girlfriend and I’s falling out, she–get this–sends a mass e-mail and includes me in it apologizing. Apparently, she had a falling out with a lot of her friends.

    WTF? Some people.

  5. MA

    Now I want to know the details. And I’m SO not anorexic it isn’t funny, so I know that I’m not at fault! HOORAY!

  6. Velvet

    Ninja – What is Karma? Oh, I think you know.

    FreckledK – That is a GREAT song. Love the solo. Heh. Solo. Much how some go through life. Except for the voices in their head.

    Allezoop – Still on!

    Valley Girl – I love the mass email. I love when people don’t think enough of you to send it direct, without an audience. This hypothetical person is also guilty of that…mass emailing everyone to call one person out.

    MA – Ha! You kill me!

  7. mysterygirl!

    I just have fast metabolism!!!! I eat ALL THE TIME!

  8. Drunken Chud

    i really need to get into the detroit blog scene so i can create/be involved in/prolong some d-town blogger drama.

  9. jordanbaker

    mysterygirl! stole my line. And it works better for her anyway. Damn.

  10. minijonb

    karma knows no boundaries.

  11. Patsy

    I love a nice big entree of karma with comeuppance for dessert. That’s my favorite.

  12. carrie m

    mysterygirl, jordanbaker, and i all are sharing the brain wave on that line. i know i could never be accused of being anorexic, so it ain’t me! and hey, at least you can laugh about it, right?

  13. nato

    My son had some dessert comeuppance the other night. It wasn’t pretty. No Karma involved, but fortunately, the dog(ma?) cleaned it up.

  14. I-66

    Ohhhh who. Please please please. And I wonder if you wrote it that way for a reason.

    And Nato? That’s awful.

  15. JohnnyDC

    I make sure all my friends know that, if you do the crime, you must do the time.

    Coincidentally all my enemies get shanked in the chow hall once they are doing the time.


  16. Ulysses

    But then, after it was all said and understood, you DID help, right? Because you could. And because you know, there’s KArmA and there’s karma.

  17. Velvet

    MG – Sure ya do, that’s what they all say.

    Chud – I didn’t know Detroit had “scenes” at all! Do people still live there?

    JB – Better luck next time…

    Mini Jon – Yes, it does. And if I was adult enough to just laugh and not say anything about it, that would be even better of an ending. But no. I just can’t keep my big mouth shut.

    Patsy – You are three parts evil, one part, uh, evil.

    Carrie M – Oh yes, and laugh I did!

    Nato – It’s all fun and games over there, isn’t it?

    I66 – You-so-smart! Bonus I66 points for you!

    Johnny – Only you…only you…

    Ulysses – Help? No. I didn’t help that snively bitch. She can rot in H. E. Double hockeysticks! Nah! In fact…you’re no six degrees of separation from her either…you know someone who knows her. Quite well. Oh wait, but this was alllll hypothetical! Sorry! I forgot. And I prefer the first spelling of KArmA.

  18. wildbill

    I didn’t know you were friends with Ann Coulter! Anorexic,Pyscho with no real friends-who else could it be? She’s right, you know, there really is No medication to fix that kind of crazy.

  19. Drunken Chud

    oh snap! (hangs head in shame) no… no one lives here…

  20. John

    Bwahahahaha! I love it when bad things happen to bad people. It just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

  21. Karma

    You’re welcome.

  22. Ms. Anthrope

    Where DO you find ’em, honey. Oh where? That’s right—DC. Boy we sure do spread the crazy thick in this town. And thanks for clearing up exactly who Ms. Tri-Polar was. My alter ego “Crack Whore” was too flattered at the prospect!

    maybe KArmA is what happened to those Cheetos at the CVS? She was hungry.

  23. Velvet

    Wild Bill – Ugh, someone needs to get Ann Coulter a new wardrobe. I can’t take all the spaghetti straps on serious political shows…

    Chud – Well, you and Kid Rock!

    John – Yes, I love it too! Isn’t it wonderful?

    Karma – You are so sweet. And I bet you are really busy! Thank you so much for stopping by to shit on this bitch!!!

    Ms. Anthrope – They find me. Well this particular beast did. She emailed me with glowing praises of how she looooved Velvet in Dupont. Then, as she is known to do in blog comments for instance, emailed me countless times in a row, with ranting craziness – a veritable portfolio of how fucking nuts she is. You could never compare to such lunacy. Though I’m sure on your best day, you would try, because we know how you love a good challenge. But sadly, she would win, as would her tri-polar hanger on.

  24. Ulysses

    Let’s persue the hypothetical:
    If they were truly that close to me, they must be beneath your contempt. Two steps away from me? Why don’t you help them, and take your payment by offering me four times your wrath (would I feel it?)
    If you’re really choosing retribution over justice, then I welcome you to my home town as a sister, you’ve really grown to belong here. But when you do it, leave the “hockeysticks” in your childhood; send your opponents to Hell.

  25. Not So Little Woman

    No idea what happened. But you’re right. Karma does suck.

  26. KArmA

    It’s a shame when the dissertation is merely an email that states “I am getting harassed at work and I think the culprit is friends with you”.

    It’s also interesting to where some hackers traced the IP address to …dupont circle is pretty small.

    If you want to talk shit to me, I welcome it — to my face or to my fat ass.

    I wouldn’t harass someone’s boss or fuck with their job.

  27. Velvet

    Oh KArmA…how did you become so, well, crazy? It’s not talking shit when it’s all true. But you and the “truth” are not acquainted, are you? If I wanted to talk to you, I would have written back to your nutty email asking for my help since I “had experience with” cyberstalkers. You remember, don’t you? Cyberstalkers who you were friends with and who you encouraged? Then you proceeded to email several people telling them how “crazy” I was. Fascinating, since it was YOU who was egging it on. You may say that you wouldn’t fuck with someone’s job, but we all have places where we draw the line. See, my line would have been drawn at being a party to that website you participated in.

    I have no idea who is harassing you at your little job, but I think it is hilarious. You deserve it. You clearly fucked someone over and now they hate you. Though I hear that the number of people who hate you mounts daily so the suspects are plentiful.

    And you didn’t trace shit to shit and you know it, but make all the accusations you want. Shit, trace that IP and see if it comes to me. I don’t care. My participation in this starts and ends with laughing hysterically!

    People always get what they deserve 🙂

  28. KArmA

    You are so right. Each and every word of it. I am just so desperate for friends.. I just want you to like me… because you are important and you are the center of the internets. You also never lie, are always one hundred percent honest – and so incredibly good to people… I wish I was you. I wish I was your friend.

    Ooh, gotta go take vomit out my food.. oh, wait.. I gots to maintain my fat ass.

  29. I heart Drew Barrymore!

    Um, I’m not a hermit, I just didn’t think it was prudent to introduce you to any of my friends. And guess what? I was right.

  30. Scorpios Love To Fuck

    “…Every dog gets their day in court….”

    No one mixes a metaphor like you do.
    You are soooooooooooo hot!

  31. Anonymous

    but the whole point of this post was that this girl was badmouthing you then emailing you asking for help, right? implying hypocritical traits, right? so is that her commenting? she thinks this is normal? and her friend does too? wow.

  32. Siryn

    It was just a matter of time. If you didn’t yank the posts from that period, she could have read quietly. And we wouldn’t have this post, wherein the parties show that they can’t stop reading you.

    Comedy. Gold.

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